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my fault


24KAuGuy
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hey there

Whats all your fault ?, sorry I dont quite understand, (having one of them days)

If you dont want someone to do something to you, you dont have to let them. You have the right to say STOP.

What makes you allow yourself to be hurt, is it guilt, fear or something else.

Please, no body deserves to be treated disrespectfully, do you think that maybe you could tell us a little more about your situation, maybe we can help, and we will difinately listen.

take care

Jj

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Thanks JP, i understand what you're saying but im not sure.

i know im being a little cryptic here and as luck would have it i do have a session with my Dr. this morning so im going to try and bring it up with her as well.

im struggling to step back so i can look at the big picture here. The best i can do to give you all an idea of what im talking about when i say consequences would be to break it down into three categories.

1) actual physical punishment

2) threat of emotional punishment

3) threat of societal punishment

The physical punishment varies. Lately, though, it has taken on a cruel twist. I have struggled with self-injury since i was little. Recently I threw away the tools i used to do it to myself. Up until that point Sarah had also used the same tools on me as a form of punishment. She would always do it in a different place from where i normally would have. She always tells me that im not allowed to do it to myself because my body is her property. im not allowed to damage her property. Whenever i would do it to myself and she found out, she would do it worse on a different spot of my body. I got angry one night and threw the tools away.

When Sarah found out she got really mad and used something else to punish me with. so, in the end, it doesn't really matter what i do, she will still find a way to hurt me.

The threat of emotional punishment is something that scares me just as much as the physical punishment. Maybe more, actually. Back when i was doing things with her 'friends' - Im talking about somewhere between the age of 12 and 17 here - she would always take pictures of what i was doing or what was being done to me.

When she found me again earlier this year, she had some of those pictures and told me that she would send them to my friend's family if i didn't do what she wanted. i couldn't let her hurt him like that. not after i let him down when he was still alive. i can't let him down again. i can't let her hurt his family's memory of him. i won't let him down.

The third threat is that she has a friend in law enforcement. i got to meet him when i was 15 or 16. he was probably the cruelest one of all her friends. he liked to hear me scream. he got off on it. i don't like thinking about it.

Sarah said that if i talk to the police, she will find out. She will make it so i get in trouble with the police instead of her. i believe with the help of her friend, she could do that.

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Good morning 24KAuGuy,

I'm sorry I haven't read all of your posts and maybe you've answered this question elsewhere. Poeple do things for various reasons, sometimes for reasons we don't understand as outsiders looking in. I was wondering if you could tell us what exactly keeps you in this relationship? What are you getting out of it that supersedes the pain of being in it?

Please try not to be cryptic, give us enough detail so that we can help and understand.

David

Edited by David O
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Hey there,

Reading your post my heart goes out to you. No body desserves to be treated in this way, it is just plain wrong.

You need to tell someone about this, your therapist, your gp/doctor, or if you can find the courage the police.

This is Domesstic Violence, and thankfully it is against the law.

Sarah is blackmailing you, into keeping your silence. Quite common with D.V. ofcourse sarah would find out if you went to the police, she'd be taken in for questioning and hopefully arrested. You know if you did find the inner strength and courage to go to the police they would protect you.

Im not just saying that like its oh so easy to do, coz I wont lie to you. Opening up to the police was one of the hardest, humiliating things I ever did, when I escaped my ex. But they stopped things happening to me again, rescued me from the violence, and the threats, put me in safe houses and refuges, and helped me through the stages of prosecuting him through the courts.

You have the right over what happens to you. no body has the given right to treat you as they want. Please try and reach out for the help that is available to you. the threats Sarah has made however real and frightening they are, are just threats, to scare you into doing as she wants. please get help as soon as possible.

take care

Jj

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Thanks Jj and David,

I had a session with my Psychiatrist this morning. She asked me to consider moving out of my apartment for a while so that Sarah can't find me. Seeing how i don't have any friends, that leaves only family. That makes this a little harder to do because none of my family knows about the past abuse or that Sarah found me again earlier this year.

idk, i guess fear, self-hatred, low self-esteem on top of her intruding into my life whenever she wants keeps this from ending.

This is a continuation of abuse from when she was doing it to me when i was a teen. I had years free from her but now she has me again.

idk...just feeling lost atm.

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Scott,

Being and feeling lost is where most of us are as we're about to make a serious life decision. It plagued me for a year before my divorce, the loss and confusion deepened further when I moved out and began to live alone for the 1st time in 18 years, and it went on for about 2-3 years afterwards. I remember all too well the feelings of emptiness, of being alone, of being rootless and uprooted. I picked up and moved 3 hours away into a large city and lived in a cold, wet, windowless, and stinky basement for about 1 year. There doesn't ever seem to be an escape from these feelings.

Because you're in the midst of a fairly abusive and torturous relationship, now may not be the time to think and analyze too much (the worrying, fear, anxiety, feelings of pending loss, sense of doom about what could and might happen, etc., all need to be set aside)-- this only prolongs the decision and action (and thus the pain). You will have years and years to do that afterwards, for now, it would seem that getting out is critical. My suggestion:

  • get your finances together, no matter how little you have
  • make your move when she's gone-- in other words, pack up and leave when you know she'll be gone for a few hours. Leave no note, no forwarding address, no number to be reached... nothing at all. You can even ceremoniously cleanse yourself by wiping down your prints from the doorknobs, kitchen, bathroom, etc.-- this will internally help break the bond.
  • If you don't have a job, get one ASAP, or go to school, or do anything to help you transition
  • Make a 3 point plan the minute you settle in at home. Set 3 goals for the next 3 months and every day, spend at least 1 hour focused on accomplishing one of them. If it's writing resumes and sending them out, do it; if it's school-work, do it)
  • Get out daily for 30 minutes and walk around a park, your neighborhood, etc., and greet (say Hi at least) no les than 5 people each day. Expand this to 45 minutes in 1 week, then an hour in 2 weeks. Each walk means 10-15 hellos to strangers, no matter what. get a hobby, bike, skateboard, swim, run, play pick-up basketball, walk, collect coins or stamps, build model plains, etc., etc.
  • If she finds you, run like hell and don't stop or face her and put a stop to this once and for all (e.g., become a Black Belt in underwater ballet and basket weaving:D).

Here's the country logic behind this:

  1. If ya gotta swaller several frogs, swaller the biggest one first (i.e., get out)
  2. Don't stare at it too long, just swaller hard and fast (stop analyzing and go into action steps now)
  3. Don't swaller more frogs than you have to (do what you need to do now, you can worry about other stuff such as your fears and anxieties about leaving, later)

One thing we do know, she uses fear and pain to control you and you use submissiveness and immobilizing anxieties to manage the situation. These are the perfect formulas for an S&M relationship-- is this what you intended or expected? If it is, then please stay where you are and analyze the situation to the point of paralysis: if not, then a decision must be made w/o an excessively emotional root canal.

Good luck and I hope this helps,

David

Edited by David O
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Hey Scott,

Just want to say this, ok. Forgive me if I am out of line.

Just get the heck out of there. and dont look back. stuff everything and be brave, find that courage you have inside of you, and leave.

If you cannot financially afford to go anywhere then just get yourself to the nearest social services office. (they help adults too) tell them that your escaping a violent relationship and they will help you by providing you a safe place to stay and even help you to organise finances, provide you with train tickets etc....

Listen to David O, he has given you some realistic good advice.

I realise how difficult it is to just "go" and not look back, I have been there myself, as I am sure others here have been to. But if you truely want to end your torture, well only you can do it hun, no amount of words from myself or others can make you do what is best for you as a person. Its down to you. Please be brave.

We will still all be here what ever you decide to do, and will support you through this any way we can.

please take care

Jj

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hes too weak to say anything so i say it for him. yous think we want this. do yous think we ast fer it back then. to be hurtt amd skared evry minit of evry day? he was to week to deal back then and he's to week now. i wasnt skared then amd im not skared now. i take all this shit for him bekas hes to week. he wont move. i no it an yu no it he aint gunna do it. yous gang up on him an hes skared so i got to cum in here. he wont be bak but i will ifn yous gang up on him agin.

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Scott, no one's ganging up on you. Lots of people had the same idea to suggest to you, but you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

I don't believe that you asked to be abused, no. I'm sorry that you felt (feel?) scared and hurt. No one should have to put up with that.

Can you suggest a way that we can help you?

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hes too weak to say anything so i say it for him. yous think we want this. do yous think we ast fer it back then. to be hurtt amd skared evry minit of evry day? he was to week to deal back then and he's to week now. i wasnt skared then amd im not skared now. i take all this shit for him bekas hes to week. he wont move. i no it an yu no it he aint gunna do it. yous gang up on him an hes skared so i got to cum in here. he wont be bak but i will ifn yous gang up on him agin.

Hi Sara,

Is this you? I was wondering if you could talk to us a little? We mean Scott no harm at all, we want what is best for him as I'm sure you do. Can you talk to us briefly?

Sincerely,

David

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Hi scott,

Its Ok, you have nothing to be sorry for.

Things in life are always complicated. Im sorry for saying things that upset you,

Talk again when you feel more able, we will listen and try and support you through what you are presently experiencing, we do care , and hope that things ease for you soon.

take care

Jj

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Scott,

You wrote that this is "too complicated" to explain. I am sure you are correct when you say that it is complicated but, could you try to explain? It seems that you started to feel "ganged up on" and wrote in a very different way. It would really help if you could let us know more about this so that we could avoid causing you discomfort and could be more helpful.

Allan

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I don't know if I can explain it, or at least not very well.

I had a session with my Psychiatrist yesterday morning, that probably had something to do with it.

I was feeling extremely weak and unsure of myself and when I read the replies, i just remember feeling like i was being judged and given ultimatums and being told what to do. I also felt like if I didn't do as I was told, then you'd all wash your hands of me.

Here are a list of quotes, in no particular order, that I think set me off...the bold emphasis is mine..

One thing we do know, she uses fear and pain to control you and you use submissiveness and immobilizing anxieties to manage the situation. These are the perfect formulas for an S&M relationship-- is this what you intended or expected? If it is, then please stay where you are and analyze the situation to the point of paralysis: if not, then a decision must be made w/o an excessively emotional root canal.

If i were still twelve, would you refer to this as a relationship? I still feel like that twelve year old boy - afraid and hurt. I have a hard time analyzing anything about this situation, really, and try my best to do so when asked, but to suggest - blame me even, - for wanting to be in this situation. I just don't know what to say.

Until you create experiences in your life which will connect you to those parts of yourself which I see so clearly - even a small step at a time, my words are meaningless, except to whatever extent it helps you to have someone in cyberspace who believes.

Until I do something to get myself out of this situation, it is meaningless for you to support me with your words?

You have the right over what happens to you. no body has the given right to treat you as they want. Please try and reach out for the help that is available to you. the threats Sarah has made however real and frightening they are, are just threats, to scare you into doing as she wants. please get help as soon as possible.

Are they 'just' threats? Am i 'just' overreacting to what must be obvious to others are 'just' meaningless, empty, threats? I lived too long dealing with her before and nothing she said back then seemed unreal so how can i assume that she is just using threats without meaning to follow through?

I was wondering if you could tell us what exactly keeps you in this relationship? What are you getting out of it that supersedes the pain of being in it?

Again, relationship? Doesn't a relationship require two willing participants? Am I a willing participant? Do you think this is something I asked for or want?

A quote from me, earlier in the topic....

This is a continuation of abuse from when she was doing it to me when i was a teen.

It took me a long time to see what happened to me when i was twelve as abuse. Now i feel like i have to defend myself because it seems the word 'relationship' is thrown around an awful lot.

Am i wrong to feel scared? Am I wrong to feel hurt? Is it wrong that i lose myself completely whenever she is near me? Is it wrong that I, for lack of a better word, turn into the twelve year old boy i was? Are my reactions wrong? Should this be an easy situation to get out of?

All these questions and feeling surged forward yesterday and although i can vaguely remember my fingers typing, i was numb, my face was numb, my lips were numb, i didn't feel in control of my body. My body was moving without me.

i know how bad this sounds, but it is what i remember from yesterday.

i have only one other time i can remember feeling the same way. I was out at a restaurant a few months ago and i had the same sensation that i wasn't in control of my body. i was numb, especially my face but it didn't last as long as it did yesterday.

I got home from work (which is where i was yesterday and where i am now) and i was overcome with exhaustion. I crashed and slept through my alarm this morning and I was late for work. I was so completely and utterly exhausted, i couldn't think of anything but sleeping last night.

sorry for everything, I'm sure it's just me, I know I'm not the brightest person,

Scott

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Hi Scott. I'm glad you came back.

I'm sorry that you felt so much pressure from the recommendations that people were giving you. But I would suggest that you look back and try to find the word "wrong" in any of the responses you received. I think you'll find that that's a word that you supplied yourself.

I'm sorry that you were abused at the very young age of twelve. At that age, you have few resources and very little protection, at least if your parents don't step in.

The thing is, now that you're an adult, there isn't anyone else who will take charge of the situation and rescue you, even though you deserve to be rescued. You're going to have to find the courage to do that, for yourself. That's the only reason that people were so insistent, to try to help you find that courage.

I hope you can do that.

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Good morning 24KAuGuy,

I'm so very sorry that we came across so strongly. I especially feel as if I was by far the more aggressive in my approach. My hope is that you will find us all as a safe haven, a safe harbor where you can express yourself w/o feeling judged or found lacking in some way.

You will find us to be a very compassionate, understanding and sensitive family, so please feel free to join us when you're comfortable.

Please write back,

David

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Scott,

I am also very pleased that you were able to tell us what happened. It really helps each of us understand. In our eagerness to help we sometimes forget that we are on the Internet and that words can be easily misunderstood or that we can easily be sending a message we never intended. It is easy for everyone to send the wrong message and to receive the wrong message.

Once you explained, everyone realized and apologized to you. Thanks guys, that was great :)

This is the way we can help each other: by giving our honest reactions, ask questions, ask for clarification, and explain over and over until the proverbial "light bulb" goes on and we understand.

Scott, great work and everyone else, great work. Wow, I really mean it, Great Work.

Allan

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