(TRIGGER WARNING) like a bomb to explode

[mscat]

It's 2 am where I live , my sleeping pattern is all messed up. Forgot to take meds last night , then woke up at 6am, took them , and was asleep the rest of the day. Now i am up , even though I took the nightly meds which are suppose to help me sleep , therefore, I have a lot on my mind, that will not go away.

For several months now, it has been like something building up inside me, that is waiting to come out. I've been a walking time bomb. And then their is this issue about needing to puirfy the sking and body , I feel dirty, and disgusting, evil , nasty , horrid inside, I feel that my body is ugly and needs to be cleansed.

The self harm provides this typed to provess to transprire. SO it is refreshing, Although painful at first, it goes away, and is over soon. Yes, I can numb it out , mostly , but do feel it, at least it is only temorarily. Than it is gone .

I can not be graphic , so I will not. CAnnot. Just that what happens, it is something that causes a mess , and typically causes hospital stay.

Medical hospital stay in the CCU for around 8 days for surgery, and then I go home for 2 weeks , go back , for a few days , one more surgery and than that is wen it the most diddicult time , to heal.

YES, I have done the SELF harming thing to this extent for many times , and it does happen each year around the same time .

Just can't get much of a grip on it just yet, and obviouly it has not killed me yet. It serves a purpose , not sure yet what that is.

Too tired not to type.

mscat

[finding my way]

You know as much as anyone here what horror and suffering is, Cathy. You were torn away from this part of you, your skin, your body, by very dark forces, very bad events. Given help, given a chance, I believe your heart is equal the power of these forces. I have seen it many times in how you help others. I know it is too hard to reach across all on your own because it started happening when you were way too young. We are here, Cathy, and we care so much about what happened to you. It was so very wrong. Not for one second do I think what you carry with you in your body is easy to deal with. I just want you to know you are not alone in your struggle... even though you were so alone back then when it happened. Then there was no love and protection for you. I am so sorry. I am picturing that part of you that experienced the trauma as a part that still hasn't been reached with the love and acceptance (and protection) it so needs. I am so sorry for your pain and your struggle Cathy.

[mscat]

Thank you Finding My Way , it is hard for me to really grasp why i do have this need to destroy myself time and time again, it may be from the times of absue that still haunts me. However, I like to think that i have moved beyond that .

Not sure though. Just know that their is still that urge and push to self harm as badly as possible at least once a year, at it always seems to follow the same pattern. It feel s as though i am stuck in it, and I do see therapy and a psychatrist. The therapist , knows , and just commments about the SI/pain part of it, he knows their is not much he can do about stopping the fact of the behavior part of it, the Psych. Dr just asks me questions and if they are the right ones, I end up having to take more medications.

I do have mor efaminly support though. That has made a difference, and the increase in meds has helped my energy level at times. So that is better.

But the nagging, increasinsing urge to SI is what is I do not know what to do. It does not ever go away. I am maintaining a facade right now. Pretending to be ok, while my mind is focused on the event of SI , and when it ought to occur. I hate this .

[finding my way]

Did I ever tell you of the lesson I got from turtle about darkness and light? (I have a Native American side to my spirituality). I remember talking with you about the hard, hard lesson when I witnessed turtle being hit by a car a while back. My emotions were too painful to approach in that trauma, and I couldn't help but dissassociate from myself. I couldn't stand by me and really feel what I was feeling. It was too much. That is what we do. We are human, and some things are too much, and we abandon the part of ourselves that holds that experience and those feelings.

In a strange way, punishment is a way to come back into relationship with that lost part. In the act of punishing it, you are connecting to it. I could "solve" my misery by telling myself I am being stupid, animals die all the time on the road. I can then connect to power and not to the vulnerable feeling of being helpless. (I know none of this is on a conscious level.) Which one is evil though? The one being called evil and being punished because it is helpless, or the one punishing and feeling powerful? And what is evil?

The lesson I want to get to came at a time when all I could focus on was the dark side of things in my life. I now know I was doing that because it made me feel prepared. If I could be ready for the worst, people wouldn't catch me off guard and hurt me. I wouldn't feel that horrible helpless feeling. I would feel more in control. The problem though, was that it made me very focused on the darkness in everything. In my journeys with turtle, she kept showing me the pattern on her shell... a beautiful design of dark and light shapes. She would also show me beautiful patterns in nature of light and dark in the leaves and shadows and sunlight. I was puzzled by it, and it kept happening. I finally understood that darkness and light are held together in a pattern. They exist together and are held in balance by each other. That was a really radical notion for me. I knew that was the lesson, because turtle stopped needing to show me that after that point.

We cannot erradicate "evil" anymore than we can erradicate the night. We cannot erradicate helplessness. We can bring ourselves into balance with it, though. We can open to the bigger picture that holds us. The picture of darkness and light held intricately in a pattern that is balanced and whole. That act of seeking out the whole is an act of beauty and peace. It does NOT mean we stop protecting the helpless, as you SHOULD HAVE BEEN PROTECTED during your trauma. And I will not stop grieving over that turtle, or the other traumas of my life. It does mean seeking the larger context that holds us all, instead of focusing only on the darkness.

I have always thought I had tendencies toward BPD. As I understand it, one of the things that is tough in that disorder is holding the tension between "good" and "evil" together in one personality, instead of splitting off into a division between the two. Turtle gave me a picture of how to heal that tendency for me. Turtle showed me the beauty of holding power and utter helplessness together in one person... not chosing one over the other. You have experienced so much pain. It is so very agonizing to have been so helpless. Some things just cannot be done without help. I often have to have help. I don't know if turtle's picture is helpful for you, but I did want to share it with you. Take care of you today, Cathy:o

Edited November 7, 2009 by finding my way

[mscat]

Thank you Finding my Way for sharing this with me. the turtule experience . gave me something to think about.

yes, I do have a diagnoses of BPD, PTSD, have auditoral halucinations, major depression, dissasocotiove eposoides, low thyroid dysfunction , and that it what the labels are on me > + the self harming . Sometime severe SI . Usually one bout of severe SI a yr . which I thnk you been here long enough to know that about me alredy if I am correct. Been here, to talk to me a lot about this , and been extrememly supportive throughout these experiences.

Thank you for always helping me. A lot of times even my own therapist does not help, he listens however, does not seem to care, I guess he is too use to the behavior by now to due much or say much about it, he knows what happens and stuff, and it is too much all routine . because it is all so much like It is a pattern of being stuck in a huge darkness , a force , that pulls me under a black cover that urges me onwards to self destruction.

oddly, the new medication is helping my spirits a lot more so , be more alert , hyperactive , and aware , however more hyperfocused though on the one thing that should not be constantly driven towards a bout of Major SI , however this is what is happening, last night the mind and body went there, choosing which places to "attack" and so it is working itself out. the eyes move towards the calendar several times a day to look at the day in which will be good .... i hate this , and it is just urgeing the plot.

hating the plot and where it is all leading, cause the more it is continuing , the more it feels like it is slowly becomming a reality, than the time will come where the drive will be all too intense where it will be as if it will be as if it will automatic piolt. The action will take over, and the body will follow. No thinking will occur, it will be going moreso in a state of dissacotion. Therefore numbness will be all over the body , when the SI occurs , and it occurs, and than i just won't be here for a while , not at home .

Sorry to be so truthful, just been though this before, and scared . Cause it is something that has happened numerous times, and really unsure what to do . really I liked the turtle . Turtle's have so many beutiful patterns on their shells.

[SweetSue]

Hi Cathy,

Sorry I havnt read this thread (for obvious reasons) judging by the title though Im guessing youre having a really harsh time. I truely hope that you feel better soon hun. Cant offer you any cool advice, but just wanted to say that Im thinking of you, and hope that things get easier.

Take care

sue

[mscat]

thanks Sue, Finding my way ,

Sue , know that your having a very hard time right now dealing with a lot of things , and I feel so badly about that. just having you write in my thread helps to know that your thinking of me.

I am getting myself a bit nutty about all this Self harming thing . Planning on the when /date and stuff, and hanging on to that as a comfort to keep on going , I hate this, furthermore making it worse , because then the guilt seems to become uneasy, and the bad thoughts are stronger and bleaker. Not fully understaning as to why it is even there in the first place , and as to why it has to be done , a certain way , and where. I see it as not even a real action or all unreal. Again , it is all dehumanized.

Even the my Pdoc up the meds to help with this it is still happening, the detatchment, numbness, it can't or will not go away , the separation from oneself, it is torture , worse than the self harm experience .

I discuss the SI in therapy, It does not matter , because the therapist does not help , guess he is use to me doing this , not matter the consequenses, it does not matter , he knows , and knows just says he does not like pain himself. Well I do not care about him not liking pain. LOL.

My son , he has a place to stay, with my brother . my brother , he takes care of my son , and my little dogs who will be at my place while I will be away for a little bit.

i'll come back . Than go back in around 10 day s , so I do know happens, to familiar . Is it worth all that??? WEll a moment to feel real , feeling alive on the outside for a while ??? hell YES !!! yes ! the more worse the SI the longer it helps . and so on . I've wrote about purification of the skin , and how it makes the outside be real again, so many reason to SI .

SO hard not to .

[finding my way]

Cathy I am wondering if you can wake up and rescue you from trauma, or at least allow yourself to have help rescuing you, rather than reinacting the trauma each time. There are so many ways to feel real. So many ways to wake up from feeling numb. So many ways to find meaning. Keep talking with us. We are listening. Keep searching for your way through this terrible time.

[Donna]

Hi mscat

im sorry you're feeling so bad, , i dont really have the right words or anything to contribute but id like to wish you well, i cant really imagine how you are feeling and i cant even begin to think of anything that might help sorry, i just really really hope you can get through this safely.

please try to be careful.

Donna.

[SweetSue]

Hey Cathy,

COME BACK TO US HUN !!!

Yeah OK, like I can talk when I so obviously understand where you are coming from. I have not read all of this thread, but I did read your reply to my earlier comment. Cathy, I dont know exactly what you are planning, and dont worry I dont expect you to tell us. But hun, I have a pretty good hunch, and I know that by the time you have reached this stage its almost impossible to stop yourself.

Cathy, I realise that what ever I say right now that it is not going to alter the way that you are feeling. Only you can do that hun, the other side of you, not this part of you that has taken over. The planning and scheming, the dates, Cathy, is there any way at all you can change this road you have found yourself on and are speeding down ?

I can only hope that somehow you can find the help that you need to STOP reverse and get back on track. Is there any way at all that you could maybe get in touch with your p/doc and talk to him/her about how you are feeling. OK stupid question on my account, but it has to be worth at least a try (please)

listen hun, please just take very good care of you, you are in my thoughts and I hope that things can work out safely for you.

your friend

sue

[mabear]

mscat - I am listening and I believe in your strength to resist and heal.

[mscat]

I have been here , my son has been sick... Sick with a very high fever. SO yesterday I was at the Clinic and by the time I got him there his fever was close to 104' :eek: They worked on cooling him down for over 2hrs and that was with meds too. He is going to be ok though. A bad cold is setting off very high fevers > so I am trying to keep it under control , he has been feeling badly.

As for me, my son he come s first. than he will be well soon . I have tried takink my my mind off this SI issue, distracted myself being a mother to my ill son, been a sister to my brother who turned 40 over the weekend .Al that stuff. Clipped my little Shih tzu , still need to finish her groom, but that is jsut un the plan of a stay of a major Si incident . NOT good .

Some on here are new, and do not know know about the SI I experience, w/o going into detail I can say it is a severe form of self harm that can't be repeated twice. I end up doin gthis every year, once a year typically the same time of year , and this is around the time . What happens is that afterwards i'll end up in the ccu for 8 days , come out , for around to 10 14 days then go back for one more surgery , stay in again for for a few days . The last surgery is the worst .

The Dr's , nurses , staff on this floor all know me there , and on the outpatient treatment medical floor too. Because I have to go there for months afterwards , physcailly it is a extreme self harming .

Not unusal for me , and I have as wel Self harmed to lesser extent too.

So that is what this is all about . The scars from Self harm do not look like from SI . Some have caused loss of mobilty inmy right hand, I can no longer open and close my hand .

But, this is what I struggle with when the temptation is bad for Self harming, and their are so many as to what goes into the process of it. there is not just on reason at all. I know what to tell the Dr's in the CCU , as long as i do not say I was not attempted to kill myself, I always get to go home.

And seriously that is never my goal . The hosptial team does confer with my therapist all the time too. believe me, they know a lot about me. + they already know what meds I take. But knot the new ones, my pdoc changes them frequently . Being on the antipsychotics will raise eyebrows , none of their buisness ....

It is not so much the planning that irks , me, it is the problem that it does not ever leave my mind, I can not shake it out of my head , as if it goes around always, just awaiting me to finally impulsivily due it, and get it over with, hearing this voice say you know your going to do it, just get it done, do it. sometimes it is not a nice voice either .

I see these images too. BAd images that I rather not see .My foster mother face she was so mean and hurtful . Someone who I could never please . Always had a mean look to her, always displeased , I am a little girl again , scared to death of this big grown woman , that she wil hurt me for doing something wrong, or she is going to call me bad names. I hate her.

That is how I numb out , and than all these badness inside and hurful experiences explode outwards onto my skin, because the body is just a body , I am detatched and not feeling real when a severe self harming occurs, but the pain is real, real for when it hurts a bit, than a lot for moments , until it stops , the pain it stops , than I just clean up, get dressed and try to understand /comprehend if this really occured .

mscat

[SweetSue]

Cathy,

Ok I wasnt going to post on this thread of yours, Hun I understand what you are going through, really I do. I dont even know what to say, but I just know I have to say something.

Hun, I know the planning stage all to well, and I know that this is going to be all that is on your mind till the event happens. I even realise that there is absolutely nothing I can do from here to truely help you. Were both prisoners to certain degrees once this takes hold. I wish I could talk ou out of it. but I dont have the words, geez I dont and cant even stop myself, once things take over.

Hun we are all here for you, we do care about you and how you are feeling. please if you can reconsider, talk to us, we may be able in some small way help. You are not alone in how you feel cathy. As your friend I am very concerned, concerned that this time you may go too far. I understand seriously I truely do, but please hun be careful.

Im sorry for typing this on your thread, just wanted to make sure that you realised that we all care about you and what you are going through right now.

take care Cathy

your friend

sue

[mscat]

Thank you Sue ,

I have done this many times before , and feel that I am under control . It is

"not my first rodeo" so to write . I understand your concern for me , and apreciate this . PLease try not to worry too much about it, been doing it for a few yrs , severely enough > so I do know what lies ahead . Not scared at all , just mad that had to wait so long this yr to have it occur, only because of my sons eval. and it put things off on a personal level. Now that this part is over , nothing stands in the way of the next Self harming event. In which to me, it is much like a self purification process. It has to be done , in order to be cleaned and to start out anew. It also helps me feel not so numb anymore , and again alive . Not dead and at least I can FEEL temporarily alive , and not dead inside. Now that is such a relief .

Their are demons that I fight everyday that live inside myself waiting to get out , that must be destroyed , the only way for this to happen is to do what I do , and their is so much anger and hatred built up , that has to come out, when the harming occurs all that effort and emotional rage manages to express itself outward onto that one act of violence , and it HAS TO HAPPEN.

it is nOT hurting anyone, especially when one is already DEAD insde, so why does it matter, it does not matter one bit, because it is over very soon . it only takes minutes , and it is over, and the relief it brings it greater than one can imangine.

I understand and DO not expect others to understand what this is like to have all of this anger, built up and emotion just waiting to come out , and be detroyed by a single act of violence against the self , but that is what needs to be done .

I have not gone too far, somehow I have not, so do not worry about it, Last year was bad enough, so I was told, so this yr is nOT going to be any different.

No Worries, Sue, I have it under control. You are my friend, and I trust you with my secrets.

thank you,

CAthy

[SweetSue]

Cathy

I understand about getting your deamons out, and releasing all the hatred and wanting to purify ones self. With me its slightly different, im filled with evil, the evil builds up till it takes over, and then the only way to get it out is to, well you know.

Its ok, I understand, completely right down to feeling dead inside and thinking that it doesnt matter to any one coz like your not hurting them, only yourself and then its only in a wierd way a form of self protection, to help you feel alive again.... till next time.

Im not encouraging you in anyway to go ahead with your plans hun, and deeply wish that there is something i can do to helpyou , so that this didnt take such a hold over you.

I would like to point out just for the sheer hell of it, about how the innitial release and feeling alive again soon gets overtaken by the self dissapointment and embarrassment. And then ofcourse all the shit that follows with the hospital staff and the way you get treated once they realise that you have done this to yourself, and that it was on purpose.

Just know that we are all here for you cathy, and that we do care so very much about you. Im just sorry myy words are not enough to help you out of the way you are feelling. But know that I am your friend and will be here for you.

Take care

your friend

sue

[finding my way]

How are you today, Cathy? Did your son recover OK? I have been out sick myself. The stuff going around is reeeeeallly nasty this year:eek:

[mscat]

Yeah , I got a little bit of that sickness too, it was horrble, my son was out sick all week too. He had such a high fever , it was scary !!

Sue,

The kind of SI I do , well , I am not embarassed about it at all. The staff do not treat me badly one bit. It is severe enough , like a G.S . wound , so they are not judgemental, or anything. thankfully. I have, heard horrorr stories about SI patients though, however, with me, no .

Mine, it is like they can't get over it . It is more like a "what" ? u did that to yourself? They have to wait for the burn surgeon to look at it and decide what to do , admit or not to admit, and the surgeon always admits me. He just says I am addmitting you for a number of reasons .

Most know a bad burn when they see it, SI or not it is still a bad burn. it has to be dealt with , and it is too late for them to be all that rude about it, whats done is done, u know what I mean? and when it is over a certain amount of the skin/body it is more serious . Or deep, so typically , they do not give me much grief. However, the Burn unit is also a trauma ER hospital , and they can be rough. and a bit cold. If I end up going there, I am NOT talking to them . At least I am going to try not to.

Each yr , I go through this around the same time, I let my emotions get the best of me, guess u can call it the Holiday Blues , or something, it is just too difficult for me to hang on any longer and I take everything out onto myself. Without the intention of sucide.

But, I know the intention is to inflict great bodily harm, once a year, and that is what I have done for a few years in a row. And have always bounced back. It just leaves some major ugly scars.

I tend to lose it, and go for it, onto myself , and can tolerate it, as much as possible. It is a longer relief when it is a worse /major damage to myself. And i know it. That is just how it works for me.

So fortunately , not all Self injures are like this, it is very rare. I think. Thankfully, I am glad that people do not do this . Because it is dangerous.

I do consider myself a major self injurer and do not wish this upon anyone but myself.

It helps me purify myself and start over. it is a ritual, and I feel like I can start fresh a new. I am dirty , ugly , and their are too many demons, and mosters that are haunting me internally.

mscat.

[SweetSue]

Cathy,

Im so sorry I couldnt help you. Please take good care of yourself, and well I hope that by the time next year gets here, that you will have found a different way to cope and feel alive.

take care hun

sue

[lacyjay87]

I hope everything will get better soon...Im so sorry>>i know i sayt hat b/c im not sure what else to say. I just wanted to let you know that we are here for you. you need to chat ill chat with you. i hope all gets well..

God Bless you!

[finding my way]

Cathy, how are you?