New guy with same small problem

[Vinwalt]

Hi everyone. I have been lurking about for the past several weeks and decided It was time to introduce myself. I have read many of the threads and my situation is similar to many others with the problem of having a small penis. I have suffered very severe depression my whole life not just from the small penis but the majority stems from being small. My most recent severe breakdown came after I found out that my girlfriend of 13 yrs and 3 children together, has been unfaithful for the last few yrs. The guys she cheated with were like Johnny Holmes. I had suspected things for many yrs and even questioned her. Of course these questions were answered with lies and even accusations of me displacing guilt of infidelity. I loved and trusted her so much that I would believe her lies though in my heart I always knew otherwise. We are separated right now, she has the kids and I have all the bills and worries. We are trying to work through this but I do not know how much more I can handle. I still have thoughts of ending it all everyday. I have spent a few weeks in different psych hospitals in the last few months for several suicide attempts. I can't stop crying.

[Recluse]

07587583434534

Edited January 11, 2010 by Recluse

[iwish6]

hey vinwalt. im glad you stopped the lurking and decided to join in. i have found that talking about it esp with people that can relate in some way can help tremendously.

what your gf did to you is fcuked up. it truly is. i am deeply saddened by the fact that your love wasnt enuff for her. bc she cheated, you have received a tremendous blow to your emotions and state of mind...such a blow that i cannot imagine the pain that youre going through. like many sad situations you will hit your low or create a new one before you can begin recovering.

im not sure whether you guys are tyring to get back together or not but my opinion is to not get back together with her. i believe once someone has cheated on you they do not deserve a second chance. they are most likely to repeat in the future. just as an abusive husband hits his wife and says he will not do it again.

theres not much i can do for you except dont give in. dont let her get the best of you. you offered her all that you could and she denied it. what are you to do in such a situation? find what still matters in your life. your children? friends? family? religion? find something. begin a new chapter in your life. it wont be easy. talk with someone. a therapist. a doctor. a priest. us. dont give in. fight. keep fighting. find another way than the easy way.

dont give your gf a second chance but give life another one.

[Vinwalt]

Hi Recluse, yes I have had a few positive experiences, but the experiences were brief and fleeting and I think would have eventually ended with me being hurt like all other serious relationships I have had. My gf was one of the most positive experiences I have ever had. It was great for the first couple of yrs. She knew from the begining that I felt very ashamed of myself and she said it was not an issue for her. She inadvertantly made a comment early on in our relationship that I took very negatively because of past hurtful things that I have been told. I think I changed then and started to treat her not so well. Over the last 12 yrs I have been in such a severe depression with feelings of self hatred and worthlessness, I did not even come close to loving myself, and I lashed out at her. I believe I was the reason for the depression she has had for the last so many yrs, yet i did not realize as I was so deep in my own depression. We are trying to work things out, she has told me it was not about the size for being with the guys she was with. I believe this to be the case, only now she HAS had Mr. Holmes and she has been changed physically from my perspective. I also can not get the images out of my head of her doing things with them and enjoying it immensly. It also greatly pains me that she appears so completely unsatisfied when we have been together the last couple years. BTW I am only just over 4"L 4.25 girth erect on a good day and from 3"-nearly inverted flaccid.

[Vinwalt]

Hello iwish6, I was and still am VERY upset, hurt, angry, sad, and a bunch of other bad feelings but one of the major depression issues in my life started when I was the same age that my daughter is(7yo) when my parents split up. It was a very nasty divorce and custody battle. I do not want my kids to go through what I have. I also have twin boys that are 5. There is another on the way as well. I am trying very hard to make things better but I am having very difficult time of it. I already feel so sad for having subjected my kids to trauma of seeing daddy carried out of house on a stretcher from overdosing on 4 whole bottles of various pills(xanax, valium, flexeril, cymbalta). They also know of my cutting my wrist. Mom and me are separated right now but I spend a few nights of the week at her apartment trying to play happy family.

[lifeless existence]

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Edited January 10, 2010 by lifeless existence

[Recluse]

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Edited January 11, 2010 by Recluse

[Guest ASchwartz]

Dear Vinwalt,

I am also very pleased that you have now joined us instead of lurking.

What your long time girlfriend and the mother of your children did all these years is unforgivable. I know that its easy to make the connection between her cheating and your believing you have a small penis. However, as we all know, some people cheat and the reasons for cheating are complex and varied. However, it is always hurtful.

Yes, I can well imagine that you picture her having sex with this guy. In fact, I think it is mean of her to have told you any deails. If you were married I would encourage you to divorce.

This has to be a very difficult time for you. I want you to know that we are her for you and will give you all the emotional support we can.

Allan

[Vinwalt]

The one thing I have failed to say is that she did not have to tell me how large these guys were. The first was somebody I thought was one of my best friends. I had known him for a long time, yrs before I knew GF and we used to hang out with a pretty wild crowd, we at least I "used to". I had seen him in pornos that were made with some wild girls that we used to hang out with. I let who I thought was one of my best friends stay in my home for a while knowing the kind of person he was but trusting our friendship meant more to him than what it apparently did. The same goes for the GF. I knew how he was and that we were having difficult times, but stupid me I trusted them both. This affair happened approx. 3 yrs ago. This last affair ( a cpl months ago) was with an ex bf that she dated right before me and her got together. The only reason I knew his size was much larger than mine was my self destructive obsession to know how much bigger her previous lovers were. Again her reasoning for cheating she says was the lack of emotional support from myself. I have said before I know I treated her very shitty for a long time, as I was lashing out from my own depression, feelings of neglect, and rejection. She seems genuinely sad for the pain she has caused me and keeps trying to reassure me that it wasnt about size. I just can't stop thinking of her being with them tho. I am trying to deal with it by seeing therapists and taking meds. I cant stand taking the meds tho, they make me sleep alot and feel dopey. But I guess that is a little better than walking around crying all day wanting to eat a bullet. Tho I imagine it would taste pretty good:(

[malign]

You don't seem to have considered that, in a mood to hurt you, she might have completely made up the part about their size. She must know you worry about it, right? What better way to hurt your feelings. And it's not like you're going to check whether she was lying, so ... it's a free lie.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Vinwalt,

What you said about these so called friends and girl friend is an excellent example of how all of us are fully capable of finding people who will confirm our deepest feelings of self doubt and self hatred.

And, when and if we are obsessed about something, then, wow, it is very easy to seek and find confirmation for those fears.

Malign is right and now, I hope, you can maybe let go of these types of self hating thoughts and beliefs. What do you think???

Allan

[Vinwalt]

If you read my last post you would see that she did not tell me about my so called friend's size. I had seen him in pornos that he made during our younger wilder days. He is 10"+ and thick. As for the other ex of hers that was most recent affair. She only told me his size only because of my self destructive obsession to know how much larger her past lovers were when we started dating 13 yrs ago. Other self explaining factors were the difference in physical feel (much wider, way less friction) and the total lack of pleasure on her part. As I said I am far from being a big man, but there used to be enough friction to where I could get a little bit of moaning from her. Now I am only getting yawns and small talk about things not pertaining to the intimacy that is at hand. Again she seems to be genuinely sorry for what she did, but no matter how much I want to forgive and get past it I can not get the images of her being so completely satisfied by them out of my head. Especially in positions that my size prohibits me from accomplishing. I want so bad to have my family life back to normal and some days I do alright. Other days I can only cry and have feelings of killing myself or these other guys and beating the shit out of her for doing this to me while I was busting my ass working long hours at a job that I hate so I could provide a good life for my family. Anyway blah blah blah poor me sob cry wahhh

[IrmaJean]

Vinwalt, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. This type of betrayal must be so very painful on many levels. It is still possible that she slept with these men as some means of punishing you. If this is indeed the case, it would have little to do with actual size and more to do with vindictiveness and anger.

I can't help thinking that anyone who would choose to be with someone or to not be with someone due to their genital size is not someone who any of you would want to be with at all. All of you deserve to be loved, accepted, respected and appreciated just as you are. Sex, to me, is about sharing and the willingness to trust and share yourself with another. I have always felt this way about it and I am certain other women share my views on this.

How are you feeling today, Vinwalt?

[Vinwalt]

Hi IrmaJean, thanks for asking. I am doing very lousy today. I just got back from doing some christmas shopping for the kids. I was walking around the stores like a zombie. When I was driving home I could not stop thinking of things I don't want to think about and I was crying and sobbing so hard, all I wanted to do was end it by smashing into a giant oak tree. I so much don't want to live anymore, yet I don't want to hurt family and friends, especially my kids. I am so tired of feeling so hurt and so sad. I love Tammy so much yet I hate her so much. I don't want to be around her yet I can't live without her and our children. Why she did it really isn't the issue anymore. She DID IT and now I have to suffer daily with the thoughts and visions that completely cloud my mind. I sacrificed so much to provide a good living for my family and now I have suffered a complete nervous breakdown emotionally and psychologically. I fear it is only a matter of time until I can't take it anymore and I fall over that edge again, taking my life and hurting so many others. I don't want to go back to the psych hospital, it did not help at all, except to remove me from sad environment and keep me doped on pills. The machine is broken and there are no spare parts...........

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry that you're feeling badly.

There are some very precious gifts that came out or that relationship, though, right? Your children. It's easy to get into the habit of being frozen in the past and reliving your pain over and over again... Maybe looking into their eyes could show you some promise for the future. I have the sense that you think your efforts to provide for your family have all been in vain. It doesn't seem to me as if that is true. You have three (correct?) beautiful children who would not exist today had it not been for the very part of you which you perceive as inadequate.

Have you ever tried therapy on an outpatient basis?

Edited November 26, 2009 by IrmaJean