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I left my husband!


lacyjay87
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So, Lacy, you suspect that your husband was online searching? And during the time that you left him after this incident you felt better? While you were gone, you were able to "date" him and all of this felt good? Is that what you meant? I think I understand.

It sounds as if you need some time to yourself and some time out alone with your husband. Do you have anyone besides your husband to help with the baby and housework? Someone who can give you a break so that you two can have some together time? It's easy to get into a pattern of being Mom and Dad and not have much time (or energy) to nurture husband and wife. It's important to take care of your marriage and your own needs as well. Do you ever get out with friends or interact with other adults?

If I'm off-base with this, I apologize. Is this what you were trying to communicate in your post?

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Lacy,

I read and reread your post and wasn't sure I understood it well enough to be of help. However, I do have a larger question or issue and I feel like maybe this needs to be addressed.

Since your first post, I've notice that there are so many issues surrounding you: from the numerous phobias you listed... to the sexual issues with your husband... to your erotic attraction to females... to your belief that you might have Depression/Dysthymia... to your current post. This must all be very overwhelming and even confusing for you.

Given all of this, I'm wondering if you could give us an idea of what you feel are your main concerns by listing them out. Write the top 10 issues down, using as few words as possible for each one (<7 apiece). Once you've written them down, go down your list and pick out ones that truly are manageable and controllable on your end. Once you've done this, rank order each one, starting with the most pressing or distressing ones first, and the 2nd most distressing and difficult, then the third, and so on. This gives you and us a picture of what you're facing. Once you've ranked them in order of importance, go back and on a scale of 1-10 (10 being extremely stressful and difficult) rate each one. Once you've done this, we know what your most important issues are and how critical each one is. For example:

Most important -------------------------- How critical on 1-10 scale

Sexual issues with husband---------------------------- 8

Phobias-----------------------------------------------------6

Possible erotic interest in females--------------------- 7

History of sexual abuse----------------------------------9.

etc.

etc

Once you've done this, we can begin looking at possible links between the issues, and it's possible that a few recommendations may address the lion's share of your concerns in a way that makes life manageable (well, at least manageable enough so that you’re not all over the map).

Good luck and please write back,

David

Edited by David O
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LacyJay: I like David O.'s idea as that could apply to a lot of situations in life, choosing the most immediate need and so on - a sort of emergency management to help you get back on track. I know that when I have a lot of concerns, my mind races so quickly that everything else in my life starts falling out of place and eventually my head in spinning and I don't even remember what the original issue was.:eek: I think I am even going to make a note of this as a reminder, maybe a bookmark to use in one of my reference book so I will come across it from time to time to redirect myself. A lot of times when I finally take a deep breath, I can organize myself a little better - as in "OK, the important thing is that I start somewhere in order to move forward and not just spin out of control and not get anywhere so what absolutely needs to be addressed first - break everything in your life into tiny steps so it is not so overwhelming. Just my thoughts, my if I were your Grandma this is what I would say, yeah, I'm almost that old.

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So, Lacy, you suspect that your husband was online searching? And during the time that you left him after this incident you felt better? While you were gone, you were able to "date" him and all of this felt good? Is that what you meant? I think I understand.

It sounds as if you need some time to yourself and some time out alone with your husband. Do you have anyone besides your husband to help with the baby and housework? Someone who can give you a break so that you two can have some together time? It's easy to get into a pattern of being Mom and Dad and not have much time (or energy) to nurture husband and wife. It's important to take care of your marriage and your own needs as well. Do you ever get out with friends or interact with other adults?

If I'm off-base with this, I apologize. Is this what you were trying to communicate in your post?

This is all correct...I have only been out with my friends 1 night since I have had my daughter. I have been out with my hubby 3 times alone in 2years and 4 months. I don’t like to take Jayden to babysitters, b/c I feel I am the only one who can take care of her the correct way. But I do let my cousin and my mom watches her every now and then i trust them completely. My mom can’t do it anymore bc she may have some type of rare cancer and she is always not feeling well and it is hard to take care of a child even when you feel good let alone if you feel sick all the time. I have no one other than myself and my hubby to clean my house. I’m sure if i asked my cousin She would help me or do it for some cash, my cousin and I are not that close we just recently started talking and being friends (about a year) in that year i have only seen her probably 5 times tops. I never get out....I’m usually at home cleaning taken care of my daughter...Jeremiah (hubby) and I share house and cooking responsibilities...I never have to do it all...he does alto...his world is totally about Jayden he loves helping me take care of her he want to feed her and bath her and rock her to sleep...he is really good about it.

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Lacy,

You sound a little upset and confused

From what I can understand from your post, is that you want us to tell you whether or not you should stay with your husband.

Im sorry hun, but only you can decide what this best thing to do is.

We will be here to help support you what ever you decide to do

I was upset and confused and i think i just kind of threw all my thoughts out on paper in a confusing manner...but i was really seeking advic eon why i feel good and like myself while i was gone and on date with him...but when we are back together i feel like crap again

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Lacy,

I

Given all of this, I'm wondering if you could give us an idea of what you feel are your main concerns by listing them out. Write the top 10 issues down, using as few words as possible for each one (<7 apiece). Once you've written them down, go down your list and pick out ones that truly are manageable and controllable on your end. Once you've done this, rank order each one, starting with the most pressing or distressing ones first, and the 2nd most distressing and difficult, then the third, and so on. This gives you and us a picture of what you're facing. Once you've ranked them in order of importance, go back and on a scale of 1-10 (10 being extremely stressful and difficult) rate each one. Once you've done this, we know what your most important issues are and how critical each one is. For example:

Most important -------------------------- How critical on 1-10 scale

Sexual issues with husband---------------------------- 8

Phobias-----------------------------------------------------6

Possible erotic interest in females--------------------- 7

History of sexual abuse----------------------------------9.

etc.

etc

Once you've done this, we can begin looking at possible links between the issues, and it's possible that a few recommendations may address the lion's share of your concerns in a way that makes life manageable (well, at least manageable enough so that you’re not all over the map).

Good luck and please write back,

David

it may take me some time but im working on it now.

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My top ten agervations on a scale of 1-10...1 being the worst and 10 being not as bad.

Wanting to leave my home and not feeling like it at the same time...2

If others are not happy i go out of my way to not be happy as well...4

Lonley even when im in a room full of people...3

Depression...1

Angry...5

sex issues with hubby...6

lose of intreast in everything...7

sexual abuse...8

phobias...9

Edited by lacyjay87
RE NUMBERING
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Hey Lacy,

I know we talked about this elsewhere but, wanted to maybe explore a bit here with your list, if that's okay.OKAY

Only you can know if this is true and it's going to take some introspection on your part but, I would like to suggest that what I have seen many times before may be the case here.

For now, let's drop the, "phobias" item because, I've seen your list and it's pretty long. Let's just stick to this one for now.

Knowing that one of the items is, "sexual abuse" let's just for the sake of argument, look at it as the potential source; the trunk of the tree, so to speak. Often, something like this is, as it is a highly traumatic event. Again, not saying it's the source in your case but, let's explore the possibility and see where it goes - if it's not, we'll try something else, okay?

Anyway, with that in mind, let's look at all the other areas as if they are branches and ask yourself if they fit together. Again, only you can know if this is how they are in your experience.

Confusion - insecurity - indecisive - hesitant - fearful;no motivation as well this could be a number of things and could be a result of confusing emotions from the abuse. You may feel unsafe going out of the house but at the same time, feel unsafe at home, especially if the abuse took place somewhere where you had previously felt safe, such as your own house.

Honestly, not sure how that would relate but sometimes, we feel guilty being happy when we know others are struggling and feel like we don't deserve happiness so long as someone else is unhappy.exactly what i mean..like my mom is ill and she will say lacy why dont you go do something and i will say mommy i dont want to ..its not fair you cant go have fun why should i..and then i say "plus im having alot of fun just visiting with you" and i really do ilove being with my mommy

That happens when you don't feel connected to others; when you feel like, no matter how hard you try, there is something just, different about you.thats how i feel Sometimes, it can feel like others can see right through you and you can't allow yourself to connect because then they will know the real you;exactly and all the dark secrets that you try so hard to hide. One such secret would be the abuse; because on some level, there is always guilt that it was your fault; that you are dirty and bad and you caused it; so you need to hide that and as a result, you feel isolated; yes, even in a crowded room.OMG you should be like a theripist seriously!u r hitting the nail on the head

Depression can be caused by any number of factors and abuse is certainly one of them. Your anger can also be as a result of frustration, of wanting to stop what was happening but having been physically or emotionally unable to do anything. The anger is directed at the one who abused first but moreso, toward yourself, for not fighting harder; for not trying harder to resist; for not stopping it and like you told me, for not speaking up because they could be doing it still to others. The guilt from that alone could cause some serious problems, feeling like it's now your fault not only for being abused yourself but for others as well.that is exactly what i was trying to tell a certin somone, but it just kept coming out wrong every time

Forgive me for saying this but - D'UH! ya think? A lot of times, people who have been abused sexually as children grow up in one of two ways - either they have no interest in it at all or they become very promiscuous. Either way, it is going to affect this area of your life.WELL....JOHN! lol..your lucky your my friend lol ..no i get what ya mean MR DUH!!! lol:D

Again, this may come from the depression and or something that always accompanies a sexual attack - low self-esteem. It's the, "What's the point?" outlook on life. "Why bother? It's just a waste of time." It's that, get up; eat; work; eat; sleep routine called - basic existence. "Nothing thrills me." Life has no meaning and your major goals become, "What am I going to eat today?" LOL HAHAH Sadly true lol LSE and depression always have a root source and that source in your case could very well be, the abuse.

I hope you don't mind me constructing this, "tree" here like this. Again I can't stress enough that this may not be what's happening with you. I'd only suggest that you consider it; consider each branch and whether or not it resonates within you. You will know right away if it does or not and you will either say, "Nope, that's not it" or you'll have one of those, "Ah-HA!"yea im pretty much having that feeling of AH HA right now moments. Then, it's what you do with that information that will help direct where you go next. Anyway, with so many issues and thoughts running around your head, maybe something like this will help to organize it a bit -omg u r so smart..honeslty i would have never thought of this... maybe make your own, "tree" and see how it fits; unravel the vines a bit, so to speak. The idea is to bring clarity as right now, I sense a lot of confusion in youoh yea and that ALWAYS clouds vision and keeps the truth from us. I think you need to take a deep breath and step back. Not to curse you but, you're like me in a lot of ways. I get that you're a very high energy, "I need to do this NOW!"SO ME kinda person. Something captures your attention and you focus on it with such brutal intensity that some might even be scared by it.hah i have scared a few lol And now, it's time for a silly analogy, this time from Star Wars III. my hubby would love you he loves starwars :rolleyes: When Anakin told Mace that Palpatine was a Sith, Mace told him to stay there and wait for him because he sensed, "much confusion in him" and that clouded his judgement. Anakin knew that Palpatine was evil yet, he also had been deceived into thinking that he had the ability to save his wife from death, a death Anakin had forseen in a dream. Torn between his duty as a Jedi and as a husband, his fear of losing Padme was so great that he couldn't step back to see what was really happening - that just as Yoda had taught him, his fear was turning into anger. This anger began to consume him and not only did it result in his wife's ultimate death anyway but, he barely survived himself, if you can call what happened surviving.

Anyway, bottom line is that confusion brings about poor decisions and done in haste, even moreso. But patience and clarity will allow you to cut through the fog and see the truth, so that you can do what is right and make the changes you need to move your life in the direction you truly want it to go.

Or, not. Just my opinion so take what fits and chuck the rest. :)

Take care and hope to hear more from ya on this,

John

all i can say is wow thx so much....i feel like i need to pay you for yourservice lol ahha all jokes aside you did well..i feel better just reading this....i mean not cured but i dont feel crazy i feel understood..and i feel like all that your wrote is soooooo true... thanks so much!!!!

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  • 5 weeks later...

Hi Lacy,

I can so relate to your feelings, though you erased your first post.

You have a young daughter and an abusive husband?

I don't know what he did "again" but it is obviously something bad. Hit you? Raped you?

I've been married to a guy who did both to me. He eventually got better, but he's still extremely controlling. I've lost my family, my few friends and if I left him I'd lose my son and have nothing at all, the house is in his name, etc. Yeah I could get a lawyer but that's no guarantee of anything except being robbed (I've already been though that once, actually.. I was a homeless single mother with 4K to my name in savings. The lawyer took it all and then dropped me can you believe that?).

I stayed with him, but sometimes I hate myself for my weakness. My son lately abuses me verbally the same way my husband does and I think "my god, I've created a monster" I stayed because I thought it best for him. What was I thinking? He wouldn't notice the abuse/controlling etc? Will he be the same kind of man? >_<

Just something to consider...

I wish I had more (I mean any!) coherent advice, I just ache for you and though I can't call it a prayer, I'm sending you strength. <3

Take care and I hope you can update us soon... Please get help if you can!!

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