Desperately trying not to break

[SweetSue]

Today I will get to see my babies, it will be the last visit I have with them this year. OK so Im probably being over emotional, but I just dont know how the heck Im going to be able to hold it together. Somehow Ive got to be able not to cry, not to let on to the kids just how much being apart from them is cutting me up.

Im going to love seeing them, dont get me wrong. But it will only be for a short while and most of that time, I just know the kids are going to be upset and bombarding me with questions that im not allowed to answer. I hate lying to them and refuse to do so. But geez it breaks my heart when the eldest 2 keep begging to stay with me, and they all cling to me so tightly and litterally have to be pulled of off me and then taken away again. And all I can do is try and hold back the tears and watch as they once again tear our family apart.

I know its harder for my kids than it is for me, and I really need to get this into perspective and accept the fact that I cant alter the way things are, just have to be strong enough to hold it together long enough so that I dont make things worse for them.

Each time I see them, it gets harder to say goodbye to them, and hurts so much more, how the heck do I manage to stop myself from breaking

[finding my way]

It means so much to you and to them to keep contact. They will take your love with them, Jj, and treasure it. And we are wrapping our love around you!!!! Let us know how you are.

[IrmaJean]

That sounds really difficult, JJ. I'm certain that the time you are with them today will be filled with much love and affection. Kids can be amazingly resilient sometimes. There is a foundation of love which all of you have built together that can't be broken down by separation. It remains with them as it remains with you even while you're apart. Today there will be reconnection and it will be very meaningful to them.

Sue, your positive energy feels so strong that it resonates quite powerfully through a computer screen halfway across the world. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for you, but if anyone can do this, I truly believe that person is you. Don't be too hard on yourself if you cry. All of your hard work toward getting well will hopefully land those children in your arms for a much longer time.

Enjoy your little ones today.

Beth

[SweetSue]

My little ones, they have grown so very much, even baby, and I only saw her a coule of weeks ago when she was poorly, and in hospital herself, cant remember how long its been since I have seen all my family together.

One precious hour, thats all I was allowed. Barely enough time for my little angels to get through the door, and hug each other

It was so lovely to be able to see them, hold them, yep just hold them.My eldest Maisy, well I think she must have nominated herself as the family interpretter, bless her. She knows momas head is poorly and her voice is hidng. So took it upon herself to answer my other little ones questions. (with some very amusinng results) Shes only 5, and as she put it herself " I know ev'ry think, dont I moma*.

A hour that lasted what seemed a few moments, then they were taken away, screaming and crying, begging to stay with moma, and all I was allowed to do was , watch as my heart exploded, as they hurriedly carried and rushed my babies away. I wanted so much to drag them women off my children, and just oh I dont know, take them home. Get our family together and never let them anywhere near my angels ever ever again. The pain of watching, standing by helpless and unable to do "Jack" whilst your babies lungs are screaming and fighting against the odds, is just undescribable. There too young for all this. They cant possibly understand what is going on, or how there life is being planned out for them. :mad:

So now my babies are back, in there temporary homes, each seperated from one another, with their new "mums and dads", and each with their new family. Thats it for us now, our time together over for this year. Im now just a memory to each of them, and pray so deeply, that there memories of eachother, of our family are filled with enough love to ease away their tears, and there fears and leave them with a sense of joy in there heart.

Im broken, in more ways imaginable, but thats ok, I just have to dissapear inside myself for a while, re build. Wait for the eternity, when we are allowed to be together once more

[IrmaJean]

I was unaware that your children had been separated, Sue.

Love is a very beautiful emotion because, when it is pure, it endures, despite everything. You'll always be their mama and they'll always be your babies. Nothing will ever change that fact.

Are they allowed to have photos of you? Of one another? I hope so.

I'm sorry you're hurting tonight.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: I am so sorry that this is happening to you like this and just pray every day that you are stronger than the day before. I can't believe they give you only an hour and that truly sucks! I wonder who makes rules like that obviously not people with a heart. I could never do the job of the person bringing them and then taking them away at the end of the visit either, but if I were the one to bring them, we would cheat and spend more than an hour. It doesn't seem fair but the only way you can fight it is by staying strong and getting a little better every day. You have been doing well so use this not to feel weaker but to be more determined to get better. Cathy

[SweetSue]

Thankyou for your kindness

I feel like my heart has been re shattered, but its ok, I can re build it again. Im lucky I realise this, I have four beautiful babies, and I dont want to dissapiont them. I just need to hold on tight to all the inspiratiion and love that my children hold within and share so freely. Makes me such a proud moma, even if Im not really entitled to call myself one anymore. My babies are well everything, and I have little over a month to get myself into gear, or Im going to loose them forever, and thats an awfuly long time to feel dead inside. So I have no time to be upset, or feel sorry for myself.

Just have to put yesterdays sorrows behind me, remember the smiles, the love and the light they gave me whilst they were here in my arms, re build and just go for it.

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: OK, I thought we were starting to agree but now you are just getting out of line again, ref: "Makes me such a proud moma, even if Im not really entitled to call myself one anymore." You have every reason to be a proud moma and are more than entitled to call yourself a darn good moma at that. Sue, you knew that you needed help in order to be a good moma and rather than be not as good of moma as you knew you could be, you went for help - that is what good moma's do and you are the moma that loves and is loved by those 4 babies - I bet they are just the sweetest little kids in the world. So, on this your not being "entitled" to call yourself a moma - we can't even agree to disagree on this one because I am right, got it girl, I am right! Cathy

[SweetSue]

I cant seem to make any sense to myself. my emotions are becoming overwhelming, and my thoughts are conflicting each other.

You see, I understand that I was a moma, that to a certain degree I will always be a moma. I just find it hard to accept that I am still a moma.

Part of me realises that my kids are no longer with me because of circumstances which realistcly I really couldnt of altered or prevented. but then theres the rest of me that knows and fears that I am not a moma anymore. How could I be ????

Im not there to comfort them, or to hold them , Unable to tell or show them that I love them with every beat of my heart and every damn breath that I take. I miss the important things in there little life, like my youngests first proper steps, the first day at pre school for Jj, my sons first trial day for proper school, my eldests daughters award ceromony , for a film that she and her friend produced and won first place. the kids nativity plays and concerts, just adding to that list of firsts, that yep Im gonna miss. knowing how important it is when your a kid and needing and longing for that support and love from your moma, that gentle encouraggement and guidance, longing to feel loved and that sense of pride that only a moma can bring. And well where am I ???? ~ nowhere to be seen, a dissapointment, failing my children, letting them down.

Yeah, ok. So I know I was a really good moma, when I was with them. Did everything I could to provide for them and give them the unconditional love and support they each deserved. had fun together, and learnt together. The kids were happy and real acheavers, emotionally stable and each had there unique way and attitude to life.

But that doubt has entered my head, I have loads of assessment papers and reports on myself, where people in authority have not really had a good word to say about me. They are only too quick to point out the life style that for a long while I had put my children through, the un stability I provided them when we had to move from ref to ref, The fact that I have spent so damn long in hospital and recieving care from p/doc. They are so darn eager to point out at how well my children have settled into foster care life (ok I strongly dissagree, but them that might just be my own pride and defensive mode kicking in) far too quickly they point out all my childrens different talents (like as if I never knew ) and taking the credit for things my kids were already capable of doing long before they were taken away.Not exactly moma material is it ???

So yeah Im, kinda confused, mixed up and dont remember what is or isnt fact, or who to believe anymore. The joys of being me, once a thought has entered my head, thats it, I continuously tear myself apart, until things become overwhelming. I dont need people to judge me and put me in a bad light, I am perfectly capable of doing that myself

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi JJ,

Of course you are a Momma (two m's) and a good one. I suspect that you go through this thinking because, in reality, you miss them and wish you could be with them. Also, you seem to believe you will never see them again. I doubt that is true, but, if I am wrong, please explain.

You need to stop beating your self up.

Allan

[IrmaJean]

At the end of the day, Sue, all of us are human and all we can ever do is our best. You're taking care of yourself right now, getting yourself healthy again because that is what you need to do right now. Taking care of your own needs at this time can only be beneficial to your children in the long run.

I can't even begin to imagine how painful and difficult all of this must be for you... but you are always trying, Sue. You have a sweet heart and very much love to offer. Have you ever thought about writing notes to all of your children? Maybe when they are older they can read them. Or would this be more painful to you?

Some are unable to see and feel the purity of a heart. Some are caught up with words and fail to see the real person beneath. But those of us who are willing to look know that you're a good person..a kind and caring person...and a very loving mother. I truly hope that you are able to see these qualities in yourself. Hang in there, Sue. Keep on hoping and keep on trying. You never know what tomorrow might bring. Take care.

Beth

Edited November 29, 2009 by IrmaJean

[SweetSue]

Hi JJ,

Of course you are a Momma (two m's) and a good one. I suspect that you go through this thinking because, in reality, you miss them and wish you could be with them. Also, you seem to believe you will never see them again. I doubt that is true, but, if I am wrong, please explain.

You need to stop beating your self up.

Allan

Hi Allan,,

Circumstances are difficult and kinda complicated (whos isnt right) Yes I miss my babies dearly, probably to the point of obsession lately, and I would do anything to have them all together with me.

I have to go before an adoption panel in jan, where my children will be discussed as little more than puppies needing a new home (:mad:) and Im supposed to help these people so that they can find my babies a new moma (that kinda hurts ) thats more suitable for them and there individual needs. The chances of finding adoptive parents that would be willing to home my children together is slim to non existant. The chances of me agreeing to this , not a hope in hell. But I can be over ruled in court.

So yeah, there is a chance that one day in the not too far future that I will never see my babies again. Obviously Im fighting it, but there is this realistic and maybe a little irrational but very very real fear that im not gonna be allowed to be a moma again, and that sucks

[SweetSue]

thanks IrmaJean

Just need to kick start myself into trying again, these past few days I have felt dead inside, and like a no one.

I stopped trying to be possitve, actually if Im honest I stopped trying at all, All I've been doing is laying here staring at the walls, (as if they have the answers) and sleeping. I have no tears left, I'm on empty. I dont normally give up to this extent, but I cant seem to force myself to do anything constructive. Im not even sure if its self pity, just realisation of my situation sinking in and its overwhelming me,

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: No one can say how this will turn out for you but if you don't give your 200% in working to keep the kids, you will blame yourself for the rest of your life so you do everything you can to be better and stronger - that is all you can do. With the kids separated from one another, of course, it will seem they are just fitting right into foster care but, you and I were both kids and we can sort of imagine how they really feel. Sounds like they are strong kids and they didn't get that way in the last few months, they got that from their mom so somewhere within you there is incredible strength. In the US, this would not be going down the way it is, not that it helps you any but I am confused that this is moving so quickly. You are in my prayers and thoughts, Cathy

[SweetSue]

Well Im still mending, but some of the irrational feelings are settling down. my voices seem to be "Behaving" a lot more recently, and that is helping loads, maybe my meds do work after all (shock horror :eek:) or it might just be a case that Im learning to ignore them. Either way, whatever is going on there its working (quick touch wood, and cross your fingers)

Im still not up to giving things 200% but Im certainly trying, and although not being with my babies this xmas is seriously hurting, Im kinda accepting the fact that, as long as I dont waste this christmas by not trying to get well, then maybe my kids will forgive me. And anyway, we will have our christmas together, ~ im just gonna change the date of our families christmas this year

Just wanted to thank everyone for helping me through this recent "dodgy patch" of mine. So Thanks