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Oh, and by the way.....


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Something happened as I was getting ready to leave church today that really got me thinking.

I'm the director of music/choirs at a church that's on the college campus. One of my students caught me and wanted "a couple of minutes" to talk. We small talked for a little while and slowly got to the heart of the matter which was something very important and close to the heart of this student.

We talked about this and then as we were parting, we said our good byes and while walking away, the student looked back and said, "Oh...and by the we....we all totally love you."

This is where my brain started to go into overdrive. First of all, it was a very sweet thing to say even if they were just words. But what I then started wondering was this: Why is it that the most important part of any conversation is saved for the very last moment, as we are lingering in a doorway and often preceded by the words "Oh, and by the way..."

For example:

"Oh, and by the way....I got a new job."

"Oh, and by the way....I'm sad."

"Oh, and by the way....I'm lonely."

"Oh, and by the way...I love you."

I wonder what would happen if we worked to switch it around and said what was in our heart at the beginning of a conversation. If we spent less time on small talk and more time on the "heart of the matter."

For me....that's a huge risk. As I try to conquer my fear of connecting with people and learn to feel love and that those who do love me will not hurt me, I need to commit to sharing my life with those I love and who say they love me. I've wasted so much time and I don't want to go through the rest of my life keeping my best friends at arms length.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that inside me are two people. The pretty healthy adult and the very wounded child. I'm realizing that that child who was never protected, nurtured, or loved still needs to be. That she can heal too. And...for my part....I need to be that for her at the beginning of the conversation.

Oh, and by the way.....for all of you who have been reaching out a hand and giving me hope that I will come out the other side of this process. I love you.....very much!!!

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Why is the most important part saved for a "by the way"?

We're all afraid of vulnerability. Everyone, no matter what the history.

How different the world would be if we had never been hurt. How many more secrets we could expell, how many hearts we could mend, how much more love we could share ...

Ah well. If life were easy, we'd all be doing it. :-)

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hi Danni :)

The things that matter always saved for "Oh and by the way"

Kinda do that myself, I think its coz I get embarrased, I am over sensitive a lot of the time and become very emotional, it feels safer for me to leave what I really want to say, to the last minute, then I can make a quick escape. I feel better for saying stuff thats close to my heart, but always leg it, and hope that the next time I have contact with that person again, they'd of forgotten :)

Its good to hear that you are feeling a little better these days, I know its still harsh for you. We are here for you hun, and will be waiting and willing you on, to get through to the other side of the process. :)

Take care


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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JJ,

"Oh, by the way.....":)

I believe you are correct, Jj. It reminds of me of what a client will sometimes do when at the end of a session, they get up and, right at the door, say to me, "oh, by the way, I can't be here next week."

It leaves no time to talk about it or even plan a different session.


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