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u.r.what.u.is
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Thanks to all of you who have shared your painful secrets here; I believe that this forum has (by my lurking here) provided the last bit of encouragement I needed to really move on from the lousy mindset I have had on this bit of my life.

In my case, my privates are maybe not extremely small (not "micro", and I am grateful for that), but they ain't anything to brag about. I have what I sincerely believe to be smaller-than-average (under 6") equipment attached to a larger-than-average (about 6 feet tall) muscular frame. Yeah, my build doesn't hurt, but it makes the li'l dick look a bit out of place, you know what I mean? I've seen many naked guys in my life in the usual locker room scenarios, and I'm probably in the lowest 10-20 percentile of what I've seen.

I have actively attacked my negative feelings of inadequacy and the like for a couple decades now, with some real success, but reading here has I think finally confirmed my confidence.

My take: Size does matter to the ladies, but it is just one factor, and not the most important. Your CONFIDENCE is much, much more in need than your prick. I think a big penis is more in the "nice to have" category. Yes, some girls are absolutely turned off by a small one, but so what, it's better to take some risks. I think for many guys in a similar situation as mine will find that there is more success waiting out there than humiliation.

DISCLAIMER: I am a virgin outside of my relations with my wife. Because of my situation, I was very shy around the girls, and very modest in general, so I limited my own sexual experiences in my younger days (probably saved myself a lot of headaches, but I also missed out on some good times too). The irony is; such modesty, once coupled with a little confidence, is not at all bad in many womens' eyes. My challenge now is not to try to re-live my college days and run around behind my wife's back (it is tempting to sow some wild oats). 

Anyway, thanks again. I hope I can impart some good vibes to someone here too. I'm feeling OK, and maybe so can you.

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I think that everyone who visits the boards in this section have been in emotional pain and need our support, loving care and acceptance. With depression there are often negative patterns of thinking which are often extremely difficult to break. I have come to really care about these guys and want them to feel free to express themselves without any fear of judgment. I am hoping that having a safe place to express such painful feelings may offer them the chance to explore some different ways of thinking. I want this board to be a rock for them so they may continue on the path toward healing. It isn't easy trying to help another who is in despair find some hope, but I'm really hopeful that with support, care and gentle reassurance each day may become a little brighter. Or that at the very least the potential for change is on the horizon. I'm not trying to be ornery with you, IO, and I certainly respect your opinion. I just don't want anyone feeling discouraged. I hope you understand.

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The other thing is, those of us in this forum have never said that it is anything but our responsibility to deal with our problem. We have never claimed that our problem is superior to other problems, we have simply spoken about the problem we are stuck with and how this particular problem affects our lives.

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I'm going to lay this gently down:

We might, MIGHT, be dealing with a troll. A sophisticated one, yet ultimately, a troll. Unless you're ready to deal with the stirring emotions in a constructive manner, ignore this person.

If you don't know what a troll is, it's simply a person who engages in disruptive behavior on the Internet to feed on other peoples emotional responses. By doing so they feel good about themself as they feel they are in control of the other peoples responses. The best cure is to simply ignore.

This Interested Observers sudden out-of-the-blue appearance, having only said controversial things fits my understanding of trolling. We're making progress here and he isn't helping at all. Even if not done consciously, consider his behaviour trollish anyway. Any further discussion about this topic will also likely be to aggravate the group. Consider yourself warned.

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All,

I don't know what was said here by IO, as the post was withdrawn before I was able to read it this morning. However, I want to suggest that people take a deep breath and not over-react. Part of being here and talking about this very sensitive subject is that there is a tendency to have a thin skin - because the level of shame around the subject is so intense. That makes it very easy to hurt you, and there are always people who are interested in torturing other people (e.g., bullies, trolls, etc.). However, in this kind of case, it is fully in your power to move on and not accept the wounding. Anger can help to make that so, but holding on to the anger won't ultimately help either. Best is to move on with your business and talk about what needs to be talked about.

This is not a hidden forum, precisely because I want people to be able to discover it - for every one of you brave souls who does talk about this - there are 100 others who won't/don't, and they may take strength from your courage. The downside to being searchable, is however, that people can troll. We can't have one without the other.

If anyone *wants* to talk about this troubling post, and the use of the word "entitlement" therein, I will be open to talking about that but please with a focus on trying to extract any value from the comment and discarding any not useful parts. Even trolls can provide food for thought at times, and there is certainly always room for better understanding how you come across - to audences sympathetic and hostile.

Mark

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I did read 'Interested Observer's posts, and I didn't take them the same way LE did. He may not have been able to phrase what he had to say in a way that was easy to accept, but I don't believe he intended to troll.

In fact, it's possible that his way of writing reflects his own personal struggles, which I don't know much about, and had nothing to do with with particular people who were reading.

I would have preferred if we had been able to discuss what it was about the posts that was offensive, rather than having them withdrawn by the poster. And, I would submit, their withdrawal would be the only indication I would need that the intent was not to troll.

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Okay - I see I have a copy of the post by Interested Observer IO in my email so I can respond to it and know what others have responded to. It's a three paragraph message and I do not detect any trolling in it. In fact, it appears to me that it is a fairly reasonable message, directed towards IrmaJean, thanking her for her role in supporting these SPS threads, and also talking about how easy it is to stay "self-absorbed". My impression is that IO maybe feels a kinship with the SPS community and the critique he offers is directed towards himself as well as to the rest of the community.

What IO is saying is that

- the support provided by IJ is vital and he is grateful for it

- much growth he has seen appears to come out of IJ's interactions

- he is fearful that this type of attention is hard to come by and that without it there is a tendency to get caught in a negative self-absorbed state.

- he uses the word "entitlement" to describe this sense of self-absorbtion, and also the term "grandiosity" which I had introduced into the conversation in a different thread. Both terms are used here to suggest that the pain involved with SPS is intense and it seems to produce a tendency to believe that this pain is a most intense kind of pain that is just more intense than what most other people ever have to go through. Obviously this is hard to measure, but my comment about grandiosity was intended to suggest that I think there are a lot of other very painful states to be in and to think that SPS is the pinacle of emotional self-pain is a bit grandiose - IO is going in that same direction. The use of the word "entitlement" is not a suggestion of bad behavior, by the way.

So- in summary, I do not see this as trolling, but rather as an attempt at a person figuring things out for themselves while talking out loud, and a more or less thankful and supportive post. But it was not read that way - it was read as an attack. I think it would be useful to talk about why it is that this was the case, if people are game.

Mark

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I hope I didn't do anything wrong in here. I never meant to overstep or cause any problems. I'm very sorry. :) I just felt protective about all of you.

LE, this is at least some way to assertiveness, right?

There was one part of the post that I thought was judgmental and not helpful...calling the beliefs "absurd"...I suppose I still don't do very well with conflict. Sorry.:)

Edited by IrmaJean
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Well, then, I'm glad I confirmed your world view so you could continue to hold it?

LE, please try to step back from that anger, for a second. This would be a royal waste of my time, if all I cared about was attacking you. You may not like the way I, or anybody else, is trying to help, but you can't convert that into an attack just so that you can dismiss it. You supplied words like 'infantile' and 'assholes'; I'dve censured him myself if he had used words like that.

Will it make you "right" if he doesn't PM you?

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I didn't read what he said the same way you did.

Can we try to take just one piece of this, for a second?

What if I said, "some people here are assholes," which I never would, because everybody suffers the same. But, if I did, why would you assume I meant you?

I'm not sure it matters much; whatever his intent, IO seems to have left. So it may even be better if I just let it die. This may just not be the day for it.

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There were apparently 2 or 3 posts by IO, but I saw only one of them. The one I saw was not an attack and did not use terms like infantile. However, that may all be besides the point.

Anger is often talked about as being a "secondary emotion", meaning that it is provoked by earlier emotions, which may include hurt feelings, or by physical or emotional pain. I get it that you feel attacked and want to pound the guy. I don't see that as productive, but I appreciate that the feeling has to run its course, so go breath, or run or pound a pillow or something to get it out of your system and let this rest for a bit and then come back and we'll talk about it more when you are feeling less angry/worked up. There's something here worth talking about, namely there is an opportunity to gain insight into triggers for your defensiveness. Now is not the moment to do that, however.

Mark

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