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Life without drama...


Symora
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I lived most of my life with so much drama because of the high and lows of depression, which would make PMS into insanity. I said I hated the drama, but I think it became part of me. Now I feel life is dull. I'm more balanced than I used to be because I'm medicated. I've turned my life around so that it is not so stressful now. But it also feels dull to me. It's not that I see drama as something positive, because it's all over the place and does not feel particularly good, but it did add a feeling of passion to life, it made one feel alive because of the strong emotions involved ...

Now I live most of my life outside of drama, which is good. But I don't feel any strong emotions anymore. That's what I dislike the most about medication, it makes everything feel colourless to me. Does anyone else experience that?

Edited by Symora
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Hi Symora,

I understand what you are saying. I lived so many years with near day to day drama in life that it seemed a bit uncomfortable when I had none as if something was missing.

Now I couldn't stand drama in my space due to getting healthy therapy and meds.

I was also like that about worrying and anxiety becuz I hung out with those two since I was a child. I started taking meds for them 8 wks ago and my gosh. I became worried because I didn't have anything to be worried about now I'm getting use to not having worry in my life and this is really a big adjustment.

Because I've known that emotion all my life but I'd rather do without it.

Hope that helped.

Have a Blessed Day.

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Thanks for reminding me Really, that drama is pretty disfunctional. Sometimes I forget just how nuts I could be, how supercharged I was and how I would explode. That was not good :eek:

I actually lower my medication myself, and have told the doctor I do that. I cut it by half when I'm feeling good, and maybe I'll even try a little lower once I'm really over this hump, just to see what happens... The medications has made a huge difference in my life, I have to admit that.... but I don't like how it's affected my creativity, or the fact that I look a lot like a football now :cool:

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Ahhh..... I've heard that quite a bit about the creativity and the meds what a tradeoff huh.

I took Zoloft & Zeprexa onetime and they made me look life a basketball. I went from a size 10 to a 22 but to be honest I would have been okay with it but the weight really bothered my asthma.

Glad you've discussed the issue or issues with your doctor though.

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  • 5 months later...

I was off medication for 7 months, but have recently decided to go back on because I was becoming non-functional again. I have suffered from dystimia for some 40 years, with severe bouts of depression interspersed in there and a few burnouts added to the mix just to make thing more interesting :D

I too hate taking them and wish I could function without them. I think my problem may in fact by physiological since my depression lifts very quickly with medication. I was prescribed 10 mg Cipralex, and I cut the dose in half so 5mg, and I have been astounded at the difference in my life with such a small dose. I have taken both Wellbutrin and Effexor before. Wellbutrin did not work for me, and I gained 30 pounds with Effexor....I am not feeling numbed out this time, although I do feel much more balanced in my emotions, no great drama, which is such a relief. I am able to function at work again, which was my biggest problem, and I am being social and active again. I figure for as long as I work I may have to take medication. Then I'll see. For now I can't seem to handle the stress of working without medication, so I've accepted that it is a necessary evil for another few years, and then who knows....

I don't really see the point of suffering constantly from depression anymore if half of a little pill can make me feel human and functional. I've fought depression without medication most of my life, and it's been a real struggle, let me tell you. I agree that depression, and anxiety, and pain are the body's way of telling us something is wrong, but I have never been able to address or overcome depression with strength of character alone. I have made changes to my life to relieve the stress that can exasperate it, but the physical and psychological symptoms remain much of the time. If I was not working I might try to do it without medication, but I saw how I was a month ago, crying, antisocial, discouraged, agressive, caught in the maelstrom of darkness once again and I could see how my colleagues were getting scared to approach me on anything. I can't be like that at work, I'm in Human Resources for god's sake :eek:

I'm OK with being on medication again. I feel strong, content, no more compulsive repetitive thinking, no more darkness as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. I feel so much better, more like me, and I'm thankful that there is medication out there to help my mental illness ... and I know my colleagues are much happier as well :o

Edited by Symora
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Thank you for that last post Symora. It is a great reminder that deprssion can indeed be physiological.

Sometimes it is the boost you need to make your moods managable while you work through your concerns in therapy. Other times it is purely biological based and meds will be needed. NOt taking an antidepressent for this would be like a diabetic saying, "I don't need my insulin....I'll just tough it out."

I think it's so sad that there is still such a stigma about taking psychiatric medications. It's getting better little by little but there is still so many who think if people need these meds it's because they lack will power or lack the ability to "snap out of it." I think the real strength is in admitting that you struggle and especially in taking the step that says, "I want to feel better."

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from the moon...

I can only speak for myself but I wasn't offended. No worries here :)

I did reread your very first post symora...I was only responding to your latest in my last post. I have heard about the dulling of emotions from several who have used ssri's. It may be worth talking to your doctor about. Several classes of meds can help with depression. Maybe ssri isn't the right one for you????

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I was not offended either, I always appreciate constructive feedback and suggestions :) I actually told my doctor I wanted to try something other than SSRI, but in the end she gave me another SSRI. I only take 1/2 the dose she prescribed, but I have been feeling so much better that this may in fact be the right medication for me.

It's been so hot that I don't know if I have the capacity to feel creative and project oriented under their influence, since I have hardly been moving because of this bloody heat!

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FromTheMoon: I shouldn't speak for malign, but I'm about to, anyway. :D He VERY rarely takes offence at anything. He actively looks for humour and loves words and wordplay and the images that words conjure up, so it's likely that he read your "For Buddha's sake" and his mind went off in a couple of different directions, and somewhere there he found something amusing, so he posted it.

His mind works that way. Mine works similarly. :) It's funny. Hey, you gotta take your humour where you find it. ;) He's also really busy at work atm (as far as I know, which isn't a whole lot) hence my explanation. He's going to rag me about this with a comeback, oh dear. :)

Sorry Symora, back to your topic.

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From the moon:

I'm very sorry if you thought my post misunderstood you. To tell you the truth, I hadn't even read that far back.....I was responding to Symora's post that was right before mine.

I read back now and, in fact, I do understand your post and I agree with it. The one about it being a bandage and a temporary solution....right???? That is very true for some folks. Meds can take the bottom out while they take the time they need to work through current struggles they are facing. But...in these cases, meds alone aren't going to change much.

symora's post right before mine stuck a chord with me though because I work in the mental health field and there are also many people that need meds because of a chemical imbalance and won't take them because they should be able to "tough it out". In this case it is exactly like a person with diabetes saying they won't take their insullin because they are going to "tough it out." It just makes me sad that, for those people, their lives could be so much more full if they'd be willing to try meds.

Again, sorry if you were upset by my post....it really was not my intention at all.

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From the moon

I’m not a doctor and never met Symora in person. Have you? I felt comfortable to make the suggestion as an idea to think about based on our previous conversations.

I'm not a doctor either but have worked in the mental health field for a long time. I also felt comfortable participating in a conversation with Symora. I agreed with your suggestion. I told you that. My comment at that time was just affirming symora saying that it could be biological and sharing a personal experience that I have had with people I work with.

I happened to make the opposite experience where people overuse medication or doctors push medication on you without even having the slightest idea of who you are or what you are going through. The opposite of your analogy is if someone who was grieving a tragedy and people were saying, “Enough already pop a pill and get over yourself.”

I am sorry that has been your experience and I know that it happens. I have seen that too with my clients. My usual recommendation is to find another doctor. The doctors I recommend to my clients are very careful about getting to know their patients and would not irresponsibly prescribe meds. I don't think what you offer is the opposite of my analogy. What I am saying is that if it is physiological, don't close the door to meds. If it is situational, meds could help...maybe...but there is emotional work that needs to accompany it. I would never and have never "pushed meds" or would want anyone to take them unnecessarily. The only real way to know if it is physioligical or not is to try tapering off them. Which I think is a good idea for people to do so they can know for sure if they need meds or not. Everyone needs to make that decision for themselves. What I want my clients to do is make an informed decision. I want them to have all the facts pro and con so they can make the decision that is the best for them whether that is to take meds or to choose not to.

I’m not really sure what your solution to Symaro’s dilemma was.
I wasn't offering a solution. I was participating in a conversation. Symora seems very self aware to me and knows what is best for her. correct me if I'm wrong, symora.

It seems that my participation in this thread is very upsetting to you though. So, I will pull out at this point. I did not in any way mean to do that and I am sorry if it triggered somthing that it is upsetting to you.

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Ahhhh, the eternal problem of meds vs no meds. I have struggled with this deeply, as I am sure you all have as well. I agree with Moon that it has become almost trendy for doctors to prescribe ADs when someone complains of depressive feelings. The problem I think is that in the assembly line mentality of medicine today, doctors do not take the time to get to know us and it is so much easier to prescribe something - 2 minutes, in and out :D I realize that everything I lived in the last few years had a huge influence on my moods. So much loss and grief is bound to affect moods and general outlook, and I am aware that medication does not take away grief - although it can mask it.

On the other hand, I also know that I have suffered for various levels of depression since the age of 15. Most of my life I did not take medication. I tried a few over the years, but hated myself for not being strong enough to do it without medication, so I would stop within weeks. There were period when I was raising my kids that it took all the fortitude I had to stop crying and get out of bed in the morning. I would get to work, and intermittently during the day I would go into a conference room to cry almost hysterically. There were times where I was almost catatonic, unable to think, move. I wanted to die a lot, and prayed god to keep me alive only just until my kids were old enough to take care of themselves without me. I did not think I would live past the age of 50, could not imagine living a long life in such mental anguish. And then sometimes the moods would lift and I would be a normal person, able to laugh, enjoy others, my life, my job. But I would soon be in the depts of despair again, sometimes because of problems, sometimes because of hormones, and sometimes for no obvious reason. I went to see psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, I was prescribed lithium once because they thought I was bipolar. I gained 50 pounds in a few months and it did no good at all.

Finally about 6 years ago I was going through a major depression, again, and my doctor prescribed Celexa, my first SSRI. Within weeks I was feeling so much better that I could not believe that life could be that simple. I felt 'normal', or at least what I thought was normal since I had never really felt very normal :P I decided at that point that if a small pill was all it took to make my life enjoyable and depression free, then it was worth it. I had suffered about 3 burnouts from the efforts of raising two kids alone, working, doing volunteer work, while depressed, and I could no longer find the energy to combat depression like I used to, so I felt medication was my best alternative.

Medication did change my life. I was able to think clearly and logically again, work, laugh. It was incredible. Then I lost my dad, my spouse, my beloved grandma within a few years and things came crashing down again, even with medication. By last fall I was a mess and I thought maybe the medication was in fact making it worse after 5 years. So I quit in January. I was OK for a few months, using willpower and determination to deal with my grief, but once I got stress at work again it started tumbling down and I became almost non-functional again. The same old symptoms - depression, lack of clarity of thought, negative thinking and negative feelings about myself, anxiety, I was isolating more and more, thinking about death again. That was my cue, the one I use now to determine if I'm suffering from depression as opposed to just feeling down, thinking obsessively about dying, praying for it, that's when I know. So I went back to the doctor and got medication again. Within 5 days I was a functional human being once more.

I wish I did not have to take medication. I wish I did not suffer from depression. I know there are times where I cannot seem to be able to process emotions or thoughts in any kind of coherent way, to the point where I am almost non-functional. Now, within 1 month of taking medication again, my moods have stabilized, I am doing volunteer work again, doing work around the house, laughing again, and no longer thinking about death. It has led me to conclude that I must have some kind of imbalance up there in the grey matter and that I am one of the lucky people who can lead a normal life with medication.

I cannot speak for everyone else, we are each so different. But, like Danni, I have come to the conclusion that medication can be of great benefit for certain types of mental illness, and I no longer have an aversion to it like I used to. That does not mean that I agree that everyone who is going through a rough patch should be given mood altering medication to avoid the pain, but for true mental health issues, it can be a life saver ... at least it was for me :)

Edited by Symora
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wow, Symora...

thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it can be a great help to many who are strugling with the "should I or shouldn't I" question.

My heart was so sad for you when you talked about that extended time of grief in your life. Those are the times that it is so important to feel the feelings and do the grief process. With meds or without, those feelings need to be honored and felt deeply and the process should take as long as you need it to. I had a loss about 15 years ago now that I still grieve deeply from time to time. Mostly I'm at a place now to remember the good memories first but other times I still miss her so terribly that it hurts to my core. Sometimes I wish I could take a little pill and it would take the hurt away. Other times I find comfort in those deep grieving moments because it's a reminder of the love that I shared with my friend.

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I know what you mean. It has now been 1 year since that last loss. I am now at a place where I have integrated the fact that they will never return to me, although they do continue to live within me... I accept that my my life will continue, but it is forever altered, and for me as well there are times when my heart physically hurts from not being able to discuss something with them, or just looking into their eyes.... grieving sure is a long and difficult process...

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I struggle a great deal with grief as well, but I have had some success in adjusting my thought processes in this. I used to focus entirely on the loss and what was missing...but now I think more in terms of what I gained, what I keep with me and how I can remain connected with this person by connecting with aspects of myself that they brought out in me. There is self-discovery in loving another. I think there is way of internalizing relationships and keeping those lessons learned as a part of us. Potentials remain with us, as do our own gifts to connect with others.

Thanks for sharing your story, Symora. It sounds like you made the best choice for your own health and this is wonderful news. I'm glad you're feeling better.

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