notmary Posted January 22, 2010 Report Share Posted January 22, 2010 This weeks therapy was tough as a memory is dancing around the edges and I am panicked about what it is. I can't seem to snap out of this anxiety right now. Feeling rather hopeless about life and about ever being happier Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted January 22, 2010 Report Share Posted January 22, 2010 Hello, notmary. I'm sorry that the memories your therapy has been bringing up are causing you such difficulty and pain. I think it shows a great deal of courage on your part to face all of these painful feelings. Maybe in discussing all of this with your therapist in time the pain will ease. Anxiety can be tough. Maybe try doing something relaxing. Reading, listening to music, or even going for a walk might give you some comfort. Therapy is hard work. There is always hope, notmary. Each new day brings the chance for greater happiness. Sounds as if you are walking along the path and trying to find your way. This is very brave. I hope you feel better very soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted January 22, 2010 Report Share Posted January 22, 2010 Hi Notmary, Sorry to hear you're not feeling so good today. I find I'm often like that after therapy...it moves a lot of stuff within us and we don't feel very settled.How are you finding the process of therapy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted January 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2010 Thank you for the replies. I don't feel brave or courageous. I feel vulnerable. I wish I had never started in therapy. I f I could stop it I would, but righ now it feels like it is the only possible way out of the life long fear adn depression and anxiety that I have lived with. The big difference is that I used to be able to fake it... I don't think anyone, not even my husband, have any idea that I felt the way I did. Now I find it takes so much energy to go to therapy and I am exhausted. It is very hard to come up with any leftover energy to put on a happy face. You asked how I am finding therapy. I feel like I am walking in a minefield. I always felt like my life was like that anyway, but now the mines are everywhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 22, 2010 Report Share Posted January 22, 2010 Hi notmary. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know all of your details but I know how you feel though. It was less then a year ago that memories of sexual assault/manipulationcame to me from when I was around 9. I flipped out, panic attacks, anger and more just over came me and frequent trips back to the hospital to settle down. I was a mess and already trying to understand myself with bipolar, I feel like I got double whammied with "PTSD" so it is now more difficult to seperate the 2. My beating the boys in sports and beating them up physically all the time as a young teenager now makes sense to me. Men's attitudes, control and manipulation, well I understand that too. I look at the guy friends I have, and they are all on the gentler side....I have other issues as well but my point is that I had to hit bottom with the memories but the reflecting back on my life and my decisions and actions all make sense now. And that is where I started trying to understand why I react now to things and it's ok. Also, my husband now understands why I have had different reactions to different situations and I guess just understanding is helpful in coping.... It's not always easy, sometimes I'm ok and then all of a sudden I am very reactive to the slightest thing like how I am right now, always crying etc..... I also go to a womens trauma support group run by therapists and not by peers, it really helps........I wish you well in this terible journey... good luck... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted January 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Thank you. I can't write about this but to say that I am having the same experiences. I don't think I can survive this; I am not sure I want to... I try to keep my children as the focal point but right now I just feel like garbage, not worthy of being their mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 We are worthy of being Mothers!!! Just because we are having problems doesn't mean we are not worthy of our children... If anything, we are teaching them to face these issues and learn more then we ever did about mental health, relationships etc.... Teaching them that we are not perfect, and ill hopefully will prepare them to deal with their own issues as they get older. Hopefully they will recognize but not blame us for their own lifes difficulties.My kids know more about bipolar, depression, suicide then I ever did as an adult! They are in a much better place to help themselves or their friends if trouble arises. We as parents owe it to them to guide them through these difficult times even when we can't they will be prepared to help. My kids help with schedules, driving, food shopping and even babysitting me!!! I HATE IT!!! It's my JOB!!! But I can't right now so I am grateful they are involved in my recovery process of this bipolar and keeping the family functioning and they feel like they are helping as well.... If anything, teaching our kids love, acceptance and unconditional love is what we strive for right?????Feel better..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Symora Posted January 23, 2010 Report Share Posted January 23, 2010 Sounds to me like things are bubbling up the surface slowly and it's making you very uncomfortable... That's the tough part of the process. But denial reaks havoc within us without our even being able to identify why or where it's coming from. At least when we are conscious of the issues at play we are better able to make choices... at least that's the way I have lived it...One step at a time, one day at a time ... :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notmary Posted January 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2010 I am trying very hard to do a few hours at a time, but I want to see hope in the future. I live right now with fear, anxiety, and uncertainty. I thought I knew who I was, what I was. I knew that my childhood sucked, what I could remember of it, I also knew there were giant lasps of memory. I don't know now who I am... why would someone have done this to me? what is wrong with me that this happened? I hear the voice telling me I am trash, I am a whore, I thought it was my voice, now I think it is his voice, but it doesn't matter because it is me now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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