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i need help, badly


andrew boren
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my name is andrew boren. im loosing the will to continue in life, my mind is unque i have bipolar, and odd. and im haveing a hard time just comming in here and talking. my life has been hard. im 18 now. when i was about 10 years old. i had friends, and was popular in school, but shortly after everything changed. i got raped by our babysitter, he hurt me badly. i told some of my friends at that time, and they spread it around school, i lost everything in the blink of an eye. i have walked alone for many years, never haveing anyone care abt me, or acknolage me, and i studied them, i have learned humans well. this girl about 10 montsh ago, came into my life, after being depressed, and she made me feel wanted, like i matered. but i fell in love with her, and now i have lost her. i want to beat the crud out of myself. im breaking my feelings, and im loosing myself. i dont know how long i can hold onto this life. the meds i was on did not help me, my mind kept working. i stoped takeing them once i got up here in college. my grades are plummiting, and im scared, i know my emotions well, that is why im breaking them.

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Welcome to the boards, Andrew. I'm sorry you're in so much distress right now. :D Did you ever tell your parents about what happened with the babysitter? I'm so sorry this happened to you. Did you receive any counseling for this? I'm sorry to hear that your friends were not very supportive during this time. Often times when we experience loss in our lives, it brings back old pain. So the loss of your girlfriend might be bringing back some very difficult feelings.

Why did you stop taking your medication?

Edited by IrmaJean
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yeah everything got taken care of with the guy, i have received lots of counseling, but because i have o d d, i cant trust them, and i wont open up to them, i can open up to girls that are on the same level as me. the medication, was not working, i tried to explain it to the doctor, but they did not understand, they thought they were working because i was changing my behavior, on my own. the meds were suppose to help, but my mind is powerful, and i fight the meds so easily. the one girl that just left me, was my medicine, she stopped my mind, made me feel better. but now its gone. i need someone to make me feel needed. she was more than my girlfriend, she was everything, nothing makes me happy anymore, only she did.

Edited by andrew boren
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Dear Andrew

welcome to the forum and I am very sorry about what happened to you.

I too have Bipolar and PTSD so I know how it can affect the rest of your life. I'm not sure if you were ever diagnosed with PTSD but trauma support groups has really helped me understand the feelings I feel and that I am not alone in those feelings.

Are you involved in any support groups? Sometimes there you will find some feelings of acceptance and understanding.

You are at college? Is there counseling available to you there?

Are there any groups at college that you feel comfortable with where you can meet girls with something in common?

You talked about medicine, are you comfortable with your Dr enough to accept his theory for the meds working? If not maybe a new Psychiatrist could help.

I am impressed that you found alternative ways to feel better other then medicine. Finding a "girl" is something that can be unpredictable that is why I was suggesting clubs or groups that you could join to help you meet someone.

If you are having trouble finding groups you could contact DBSA(depression bipolar support alliance) and NAMI (national association for mental illness)

and hopefully your college would have some type of outreach program as well..

Good luck and please let us know how you are doing....

:)

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Andrew, of course you matter. You're a human being and very much of a gift. What is it that causes you to feel as if you aren't important, Andrew? All of us need to love and be loved, but first we must recognize the love we have for ourselves. How do you feel about yourself? Surely there is much to value and appreciate about you, Andrew. What do you think?

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no i have no one their for me, their is no help available threw the college. not any groups at school.i dont have a doctor anymore. once i moved up here to college i lost that. yeah, i just dont think i can do anything now. im reaching out for someone to save me. but no one is their. i dont go to partys, or dances. i dont want anymore pain. im depressed badly. i dont care what happenes to me anymore. i need to feel like i have a place in this life, and she gave it to me.now i have nothing.

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i dont think of myself as much, i have alot of knowlage, but that is abt it. the reason i see myself as worthless is because of being on the sidelines, i watched everyone so happy, haveing friends. everyone was getting dates, but me. i see myself on the bottom of the pole. haveing everyone put me down, and just take it, as if nothing happened, it all was being locked up in my mind, i want to go their, to that place in my mind, but i cant, its gone, im crying and i cant stop.

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Dont give up Andrew believe me I was and is there.... I'm not sure where you live but there must be some local, county, state resources you can contact? Did you look for DBSA or NAMI??? Again I'm not sure where you live.....

Have you contacted the nurse at your college? Please call her and ask her where you can get some counseling and a Dr.

You might have to start meds again and believe me I hate meds but sometimes you have to try some.... And you are probably very low with energy and in a very crappy way but please reach out to someone so they can get you some help....

And of course, we are alsys here for you......

:)

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i dont think of myself as much, i have alot of knowlage, but that is abt it. the reason i see myself as worthless is because of being on the sidelines, i watched everyone so happy, haveing friends. everyone was getting dates, but me. i see myself on the bottom of the pole. haveing everyone put me down, and just take it, as if nothing happened, it all was being locked up in my mind, i want to go their, to that place in my mind, but i cant, its gone, im crying and i cant stop.

Andrew, I'm so sorry you're hurting and feeling lonely. :) I can relate to the pain of feeling left out. I also experienced this during school (and beyond). Sometimes when you feel down on yourself, it becomes easier for others to treat you poorly. You become a target. Feeling good about yourself and portraying confidence begets a more positive response from others. The behavior of your peers toward you likely reflects more about them than it does you.

When you say you want to go there, but it's gone from your mind, are you talking about your pain from what happened to you as a child or something else?

I'm sorry you feel badly right now, Andrew. Nothing of what happened with your babysitter was your fault. You were a child and could never be to blame for any of that. You were an innocent child. I'm sorry that happened, Andrew. Maybe try listening to Linda's advice and find someone who can offer you a voice. Take care and keep talking with us.

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