Tired of being a "patient"

[Lindamomof7]

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[IrmaJean]

Hello, Linda. It must be quite painful to consider yourself being thought of in certain words. This is one reason why I am not very fond of some word usage or "labels" used to describe the challenges some of us might be facing. I feel it in some ways "dehumanizes" us humans. We are all deeply complex and emotional. You're a human being and deserve to be treated as such. Every person is a unique individual even when suffering with a clinical diagnosis.

Have you expressed these feelings with your therapist and Pdoc? Has something happened specifically during therapy to bring about these feelings? Or is it an "in general" type of thing?

How is it that you feel like a victim? Would it be helpful to expand on that thought? It's good that you are expressing your feelings about all of this.

[Bluerose]

I'm with IrmaJean on this. I hurt as a child, I was suicidal as a teenager, and I was a mental and emotional mess as a young adult struggling to be a good wife and mother. Enough is enough! That's what I told myself. That's when I began to read everything I could get my hands on. I got angry and I got tougher and I took charge and I have never looked back. I still struggle from time to time but I refuse to be beaten down, I refuse to be a victim. I made friends with my internal community, and I took control of my own life. I was tired of waiting for someone to 'Fix' me so I decided to 'Fix' myself. It wasn't easy and there was a lot of backsliding but every time I fell down I just got right back up. There were times when it felt like me against the world but I didn't care. Something needed to be done and I was the only one who could do it to my satisfaction.

Is that the sort of thing you mean?

[Lindamomof7]

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[Symora]

I wa.s reading your post Linda and thinking I could have written it. I live alone though .... :-)

Lately I too feel very angry that my life has changed so much and that I can't count on the stability of my mental health. I have become obese from the lack of energy to do anything and using food to give me some kind of pleasure. My social life is almost non-exisant now, only a few long term friends left. I've talked to enough therapists, doctors, EAP counsellors. I'm sick of talking about my 'issues'. I so get how you are feeling. I've suffered from depression, and what looks like bipolar but I think is hormone issues since adolescence and I'm in my 50s now. I hate how my family looks at me when I'm not well, and I hate having to tell anyone at work (since sometimes I need months off) that I can't handle life again. I just want it all to go away....

I am struggling with that as well this week. I am feeling angry, frustrated and just generally discontented... I think it may have to do with being in training all week and not having used the SAD lamp every morning - something I discovered in the fall and that I've found very helpful.

So, yep, I feel like that too. I'm hoping it has something to do with the dark winter months of Canada and that I will feel less disheartened in the spring... Mental illness just affects so many areas of life. I lost the use of the sciatic nerve when I blew a herniated disk in my back 15 years ago - too long to operate, etc. etc. Anyway, it left me handicapped and I limp in one leg. I've been able to accept it and move on, even though it gives me problems and pain, because it has not really affected my capacity to live my life the way I choose. But this mental illness stuff is different, no matter how much determination I put towards recovery and moving on it still reeks havoc...

I guess this was not a response that was very helpfull with cheering you up, sorry about that. Maybe I needed to vent too I'll be more hopeful next time!

[Lindamomof7]

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[musemuse]

Linda,

What you wrote could have been written by me too, as well as Symora.

What has changed is that although I have never been embarrassed by my illness the social life and trying to regain a part of that life physically and or mentally but I can't seem to do that because of my cycling.

I've been crying off and on today, too. However, I don't see myself as a patient, although I go to the doctors regularly. I have had brain scans, chest MRIs and heart scans, all too much. I may be their 'patient', but I just see them as someone trying to help with something that they need more information about to analyze and reach a diagnosis. Actually, we do that with our skills, in this day to day life. As a mother, you had to do the same thing with your children, in your home life. My view may seem a bit of a reach to some to equalize things, but it is all in the way you look at it. We are just all living on this earth, together and trying to make it. The doctors even have been or will be someone's patient when their time comes for that. So don't dwell on being a "patient" because when you are human, you will be that label at one time or another.

And like I mentioned before, I get tired of crying, I get tired of these racing thoughts that go through my mind, I'm just in a tired mood right now. I know it will pass. I live with it, too. Yesterday, I was fine. Today, wasn't a good day. And I don't worry with I think others are thinking because each person has their own issues to deal with, and they are probably not judging me about mine anyway.

I do hope things get better for you.

and I'm here

love you,

[Bluerose]

Linda,

I began to work on things on and off since realising that something was wrong in my twenties but it wasn’t until my kids were older and virtually taking care of themselves, that I saw any progress. It’s important for anyone reading this to know that I didn’t ‘fix’ me overnight. It took a long, long time. Believe me.

[Lindamomof7]

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[Symora]

Me again That's why my life is so boring.... I am fortunate I guess in that I am still able to work (although it is getting more and more challenging....), and I can do what I need to do most of the time, but beyond that, nothun.... I don't even have any interest for anything beyond that.

As to the hormone thing, it was just so obvious with me. When I was young and on the pill, I was so emotionally volatile I had to get off within 2 months, I thought I was going nuts. Since adolescence I had 2 weeks of PMS a month, two solid weeks to being completely off the wall, nervous, paranoid, wanted to break up with my husband because I was so afraid of being rejected, crying, irrational, confused. Then the day before my period I could feel my mind becoming calmer and I knew I would start within 24 hours. As soon I would bleed my whole body would change and my depression and crazyness would completely lift and I would become what I like to call 'me' :-) Just a normal, logical, funny, emotionally coherent me. And so it has been for 40 years. In my twenties PMS had not even been invented . I remember sitting in a doctor's office one day, reading an article about this thing called PMS and it hit me between the eyes! It never helped with the roller coaster ride of hormones, but at least I knew what it came from...

Then when my hormones started changing in my forties it got more intense, completely out of control, I called it PMS on steroids :eek: I also became overwheight over those years and that probably added to the problem. Now I'm just about in menopause and it has sort of settled into my mind on a semi-permanent basis, but less of the crazy thinking and more of the depression.

This is the first time I have made such a clear link to hormones actually... Who knows? Now I'm feeling guilty that I have not steered doctors in that direction more agressively ... I remember mentioning but nobody ever explored it further... could it be that it was all hormones??? I'm not feeling so good right now...

[musemuse]

So yes I have a few friends who know and understand I have to everything last minute, and yes my therapist and Dr knows I may need to cancel or then call to come in and they get me right in but I guess because I function like that, that is why I feel like a "victim" and my whole life now is centered around being bipolar...

sweet Linda,

stuff like that happens to me all the time. I cancel and call to go back a lot. That is how we function. Sometime, I don't know a day from the next.

I don't want you to be so discouraged. I believe it gets better because things are constantly changing. And a change has to come sometime.

Do talk with your pdoc/therapist about this and see what she/he says. Look forward to some good. I know the feeling of not wanting to do anything anymore. I am there now. And since I can't do anything about it right now, I know something uplifting will come. It always does. I ride a roller coaster sometimes.

I'm praying and have been praying for us all today. There are others like us out there; so you are not alone.

[amberlyn]

Linda,

Minus the being a mom part, I can relate to almost everything you're talking about! I feel like the patient all the time ... I've been going to doctors a lot lately; I'm hoping this spell ends soon. And I live with my boyfriend who loves me to death but it seems like everyday I do something else that's "abnormal." I feel like he's always looking at me, thinking that I'm some nutcase that should be locked away, since I can't seem to function in the human world.

My combination of bipolar (mostly depression) & anxiety definitely have me feeling like a victim. I couldn't clean out my closet today without almost having a panic attack! I don't do well with change, especially sudden large changes. I got rid of a lot of clothes this evening that I've had for years & it was just too much for me. To make it worse, I showed this anxiety in front of my boyfriend. He let me talk through it & do what I needed to do ... but it was so EMBARRASSING. It seems like my life revolves around anxiety, depression, stress, etc. I don't know how to deal with it all.

Wow, apparently I needed to vent as well. Haha. Anyway, I think most people here can relate in some ways to what you're talking about. It just all becomes so overwhelming. My best suggestion: Do what you can to keep your mood up & your stress level down. And I hope you talk to your pdoc & therapist about this. Perhaps they can give better suggestions on how to deal with this

Take care.

[Bluerose]

I think you're all doing great just being here. When I first got my hands on a computer I was such a scaredy cat about posting anything about myself. That eventually passed and, through trial and error, I found some of the best boards to post to. I think that's when all the information from all the Self-Help books I had read kicked in. And, through the feedback of others, I began to recognise that some real progress had taken place in me. We all need that feedback. We all need a little validation from time to time. So hang in there, this kind of communication really does help.

[Bluerose]

Linda,

I gave up making plans and creating goals for myself. I learned instead to work with my energy. When it felt strong, I got as much done as I could. And when it didn't, I treated it like a rest period. Things still rambled along and I just went with it on days like that, taking care of what I could and leaving what I couldn't for another day. Delegation is important within a family. Each person should have their own jobs to do. It shouldn't be all left up to you.

[Bluerose]

I don't have a clock and I don't have a calendar. If I need to check either for whatever reason, I have my computer. I know. I'm a very strange person. But this is what works for me.

[Bluerose]

Sorry about the run on posts but no one was around and I was left talking to myself. :)

[Bluerose]

Linda,

Try to avoid thinking of it as your life revolving around your depression and try to see it more as your life revolving around your energy. If you feel strong get things done and if you don't, treat it like a rest period. This doesn't mean that you actually have to rest, it just means that you don't beat yourself up for the things you leave for another day.

Having said that... I can relate. I was married to a soldier for twenty years. Talk about regimented! There just wasn't enough hours in the day! I was also struggling to bring up three kids. But something happened and everything changed. I came to the end of my rope and I had forgotten to tie a knot in it.

One day I just stood in my lovely big kitchen with it's lovely breakfast bar and it's four bedrooms, and I thought, I can't do this anymore! I don't care what happens, I just can't do this anymore! (Trigger!) I took a knife to my wrists. Not serious as it turned out, just got bandaged up. I was sent to a psychiatrist who suggested a stay in hospital, my first. I never told anyone about what was really going on in my head. I just let them treat me for depression. Given my childhood and my father's suicide, and the fact that I was married to ‘action man‘, they said it was understandable.

I could go on but I think that's enough to give you the idea. It wasn't all so 'rose coloured spectacles' stuff back then. So when I post like I have it all sorted, I don't. I'm a constant work in progress and the road I travel is always under construction.

Today, I’m divorced, still friends, never had another relationship, didn’t want one, my kids have grown and flown and have kids of their own, I have a grandson living with me, a 16 year old, been with me since he was 11, long story, one for another day perhaps, I now live in a flat that overlooks a lovely court yard, and I spend most of my day reminding myself that I’m just fine and the worst of it is over, and that it might be time to try and help someone else for a change.

Take care and best wishes. It does get better, honest.

[Lindamomof7]

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[musemuse]

Morning Linda,

seems you are blessed anyway. lol Good to hear you things morning. I was going through too last night and made a prayer tag. anyway -

I guess the shutdown is so real for me my only goal is to not be here...

and even what I knew and learned as coping skills through therapy, I can't seem to tap into at that time....

when I was in those group meetings, I learned to accept and actually got to know the people for those time and looked forward to it. In the groups there were people going through much the same thing at one time or another and they gave suggestions.

I know when the depression is pounding hard on me, I forget things that I know about coping. I go through until the moment comes when there is a burst of truth. the Light bulb moment, I call it. And then you can go on.

have a wonderful day....

much love and prayers

[musemuse]

Here is the prayer tag -

http://public.fotki.com/MsMusedwr/inspirational-tags/live-in/

[Lindamomof7]

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[Lindamomof7]

Thanks for the link, I will check it out....

[Bluerose]

Linda,

We know different things work for different people. When you find something that works for you make a note of it. Reading, writing and researching is a big part of my day these days. I also like to listen to soft music, or some audio tapes by people like Eckhart Tolle and the like.

Acceptance played a big part in me being able to cope with all this. While I was fighting ‘it‘, I was being threatened with death and suicide. Then I made an amazing discovery, the calmer I was the calmer my inner world was. I realised it only really kicked off when I was feeling the pressure and the stress of trying to do everything a certain way. So I took up relaxation and meditation.

Here are some of my coping ideas. I learned to recognise the signs of low points or downward spirals, then I took a note pad, like a journal, and while I was feeling good, I kept a record of what I did, how I did it, and how well it worked out. Then when I wasn't feeling so good, and maybe struggling a bit just to get things done, I took out my journal and followed it like a 'To Do List', it was like a script I followed until I was back in charge of myself.

When my mind seems to be racing and thoughts are overwhelming me, and meditation is out of the question, I count fast to myself or repeat an affirmation over and over like a mantra. If none of that helps I call someone to come over for a chat; my daughter or one of my sisters. I usually care enough to pull myself together before they get here. At the very, very worst it’s a psych call or hospitalisation.

[Lindamomof7]

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[Bluerose]

It does sound like there is more going on. And the thoughts while reading your last post were reminders of how many diagnosis I have had over the years. Maybe it’s all down to something else. I got my most recent diagnosis because my doctor, who I went to two years back for something to help me sleep, suggested a psych reassessment and I agreed. So I began to see a psych who then sent me to a psychologist who then sent me back to the consultant psychiatrist with recommendation. Then comes back this diagnosis that I had suspected for a long time but was still trying to deny it to myself and telling myself that either it was my imagination or I was going mad. I wonder how many people you have consulted about this and if consulting someone completely different would put a new perspective on it.