Need advice

[nearlydead]

How's it going Rec? Have you cut down the porn and smoke? Done anything on the CBT front? Just wanted to know if you had managed any progress.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

Good to hear your making some changes. Could be worth checking out Amazon used books for the Burn's book, also dont forget the living site.

I've been going in for training, still no paid work which is a pain as it costs me £10 in petrol to get in. but they have started work on an extension to the building which will house the new machine, they expect the job to be available in august/september. Still applying for jobs, but my cv doesnt stand up to scrutiny as everything on it covering the last 10 years is total bull.

As for this thing, i'm still reading and re-reading cbt stuff, still listening to the hypnosis stuff (doesnt work, but keep hoping it will). Still up and down in mood, still cant shake the thought that "this is just kidding myself". I dont think I will ever be able to fully accept my carcass for what it is. Which means I will never really be happy, whatever that is.

I am thinking that I may have to re-adjust my goal of self acceptance to one of "be happy with shit"

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

I go into the hospital for my circ tomorrow morining. Im dreading it, as I have no one to pick me up from the hospital. This is going to cause all sorts of grief because they will want to keep me in overnight if I cannot get someone to pick me up. Im going to have to explain AGAIN why I know no one. And yet more people are going to look at my cuntingly small penis.

This little cock of mine just keeps beating me up. Everytime I see, feel, touch or think of this fucking thing I hate it. It does not matter how much positive thinking, hypnosis, CBT, positive action I take, the reality is, I have a small penis. The truth is i will not get any more virile, my best years are gone, and they were shit. Realistically my life choices are A) more struggle and a life of shit or Grow a pair and die.

Please, I dont want no "youv got lots to offer" you can be whoever you want" life great if you only blive it" Positive shit is delusdon.

[Recluse]

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[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're feeling down tonight, ND. I imagine you must feel anxious about having this surgery tomorrow. If I was close by, I would be more than happy to support you and then bring you home. You deserve support and care. I'm sorry that no one can be there for you tomorrow. I'm thinking of you, okay?

I can remember the humiliation of having the q-tip test done for my sexual problem. Basically, you are laying on a table unclothed and having nurses and doctors asking you if you feel the q-tip (as if q-tip sensation would be enough...) Completely degrading...I'm sorry you have to go through this circumcision tomorrow.

I absolutely hate when people feel less of themselves for who they are. This goes back to my brother, who is severely autistic, and who was largely unaccepted by society for being "less than perfect". But, to me, he is perfect because he's himself. He's a human being, he's Neil. And why would society or anyone not embrace that? None of us were made out of a mold. We're all different and this is something to embrace.

I have come to care about you, ND, and I appreciate you exactly the way you are. You're having a tough time of it tonight, this surgery has brought back some old, bad feelings...this still happens to me too sometimes...but you're going to work your way through. This part of yourself is a piece of your puzzle and I hope that one day you will come to appreciate that. I hope that you will choose to live the rest of your life and strive to make your future a happier path.

I'm thinking of you. PM me if you need to talk. Hang in there.

[lifeless existence]

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[Recluse]

Hey, Lifeless, How have you been doing? I hope you are holding up ok.

[miller72]

I hear ya. I had hernia surgery a couple years ago and the worst part was lying on the table in the gown knowing they would be seeing my little one as soon as I was out. Three nurses and a doctor. I bet they have all kinds of good jokes for people like me.

[IrmaJean]

ND, I hope you check in here soon. Maybe it is a relief for you that this is over now? I am still thinking of you and hope you are feeling better.

[nearlydead]

Sorry for hijacking your thread Recluse. But to you and Lifeless, I say make the changes you need to make RIGHT NOW, while you still have your youth and time.

[Recluse]

I didn't perceive you as hijacking at all. We are all in the same boat here.

[nearlydead]

How you doing Rec, have you made any inroads to dropping the weed, porn etc? Have you done any modules on the Living Life site? If you havent, then dont worry about it, I set myself goals and miss them all the time, its part of depression, something else we can beat ourselves with. Post some stuff about what you want to talk about. How did it go with the hooker, was the whiskey smooth or give you a sore head.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

Good news on the smoke, it, like alchohol is a depressive if youre a depressive person. First thing in the morning is a common thing with depression, I've readabout it before because Im usually at my worst in the morinings, sort of set the tone for the day good or bad. Its something to do with the phase's of sleep throughout the night, like REM or something.

One trick I learned is that when you wake up and that stream of thoughts turn dark for no apparent reason, is to say to yourself "stop these thoughts, they do you no good, then change what you are doing or force yourself to do something else like shower, eat breakfast, shoot a stranger:D whatever. The idea is interuption. sometimes it works, other times you just have to do the thing and be miserable. Yes I can tell from your posts when youre on a downer.

Good to hear about the socialising, the fact that you have some friends to hang with is probably one of your top resources, you it wisely, your freinds are your route out of this. CBT, as long as you keep it in mind, then its working in there, doing something for you. Sounds like your functioning alot better Rec, keep it up.

Im still working one day pw, but I do 8hrs instead of 12 as Im not being paid, and I also dont want to get in the other guys way to much. roll on Oct. Im also losing wieght steadily, hate the bike, like the wieghts, Im using Oct as my target for my long term wieght loss target. Unfortunatiely Ben & Jerrys is on special at the shop, so fell of the diet wagon. Keep us updated good or bad.

[Recluse]

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[nearlydead]

I will eat like a third of it and put the rest down the sink.

Good Ben & Jerrys? Good God man, you must be criminally insane and need locking up.

[Recluse]

It's hard to do, only way I can stop myself though

[IrmaJean]

Thank goodness I've never tried Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I just put it on the shelf (perfectly faced with labels forward, I might add ) The stuff is unbelievably expensive. :eek: My personal weakness is chocolate of any kind.

Anyhow, I just felt the need to touch base and see how everyone is feeling. Recluse? ND? Curtailed? LE? Everyone else?

[nearlydead]

Ben & Jerrys chocolate brownie. Dont do it Irma, theres no going back.

Im thinking stuff through at the moment, dont really have anything new to say as yet. Im hoping others can post and move things forward for discussion.

Im thinking on tackling,

self hate.

Possible future benefits/outcomes.

How long this is all going to take.

Im really just fed up thinking this stuff through and always ending up miserable.

I guarantee that all of us are still checking in everyday though

[Recluse]

I'm in a similar place to ND right now, I have nothing to add at the moment, just trying to finish what I am working on so I can move into the next phase of my life, Working on my issues with women is something I will work on if it is possible to do so. My priorities consist of getting my career in order at the moment so I have the breathing room to figure this all out.

[IrmaJean]

Thanks for checking in, guys. It's great that both of you are working on progression with your lives. Getting your career in order is a positive place to start, Recluse. ND, you're an intelligent thinker so it's good that you are using this skill. I have faith that the right answers will come to you if you keep working hard at it.

Anyway, it's good to see you both here.

[curtailed]

Same as you, checking in on a daily basis.

Will report when something happens

[Recluse]

I just wanted to check in on ND, Lifeless, Curtailed, etc. and see how all of you have been holding up. ND, I sent you a pm about some Thailand questions.