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need a little courage


danni

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Hi everyone. I'm back. It was a truly horrible experience that I will NEVER do again. If this doesn't fix them, I don't care. Let them bleed!!!

I had trouble coming out of the anesthesia and then went into respritory distress and stopped breathing. I just got out of the hospital today.

I had "danni" with me. She is a stuffed horse that a dear friend gave me. The real Danni was a horse that I had for over 20 years. She was my only safe place when I was growing up. I could take off on her and go places where my best friend or worst enemy couldn't find me. So now I've come to feel her presence in this stuffed horse ( who actually looks like her) and I can pull in the sense of safety and calmess that looking in her eyes and melting into her mane used to do.

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I made the mistake of logging into my work email and incident reports. Now feeling bad about missing 3 days. I really need to go back on Monday but if I'm up more than about 20 minutes, I need to take a break!! I guess checking out AMA doesn't mean I'm totally healed. What the hell am I going to do?!?!?! I hate limitations plus I'm still freaking out about the experience as a whole!!!!!

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but we are limited, danni!:) You have to heal and follow doctor's orders so that the body has a chance. If you are too active too soon, won't it only prolong the time it takes to heal? How are you doing today??? I sure wish you had some friends taking care of you.... I know this is very hard. Listen to little danni, I'll bet she wants you to rest!

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I have many people in my life who want to take care of me but it's not something I'm able to accept. It was anxiety producing to even accept rides there and back!! They did take it upon themselves to make sure I was never alone in the hospital which I should find comforting and I do but I also feel really guilty for wasting their time like that. They all have busy lives that they set aside.

I'm still pretty weak and sore. I did play for church this morning and got my orchestrations done last night. I am so-o-o-o-o lucky to have really talented musicians who can play pretty much anything I throw at them!! They are truly amazing!!! I spent about 3 hours total that and playing piano isn't all that strenuous or stressful and the choir wasn't singing. I was struggling to make it home and had to take a 2 hour nap when I got there.

I know I'm supposed to take this week off from work but I just can't. Maybe I'll try a half day tomorrow and see what happens. I need to try and find a balance because I leave for Moscow in less than two weeks and I have scheduled the service group's time pretty much non stop.

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