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Bipolar, Alcoholism and My Screwed Up life


JustTrying
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1:26 AM.... not the least bit tired. Did get some sleep last night without having to take Melatonin or my depression med.... ( I only take those when I can't sleep and I take two... so I end up with a pill hangover.... Yes I know that is not how I am suppose to take them)

Suppose I will always self medicate. I just can't take these pills 3 times a day.... I mean I know I have issues.... but I know a lot of people that need to be on meds if that is the case. Everyone I know seems strange to me in different ways.

Don't want a pill hangover tomorrow because my husband has come to spend the night and is asleep in his room and If I take any pills I won't feel like dealing with him tomorrow.

The drinking is not really a issue to me anyway.... I still have a few now and then... and once in a while I have a few too many but those are getting further and further apart... after a while you get tired of drinking blacking out, passing out and repeating!!! Know what I mean???? There is sooooo much more to life than that.

I will be getting my license back at the end of August.And the first thing I am going to do is get a job. (Or at least try to... not sure If I CAN work) Dear Husband of course does not want me to work... he wants me to remain dependent on him.... but I want my financial and perhaps total freedom. I feel like I live in a prison, because If I make him mad... he with holds the household money and then I get all stressed because I can't pay the bills on time or I am going to run out of Cigs... Or the Babies (dogs) need food etc.....And look out Bipolar here I come!!

Someone who I thought was a friend of mine attacked me sexually the other night and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I didn't go to the police, but how can I keep passing this man's house and not remember what happened? He was drunk, I wasn't.... I needed to get a ride to town and went to ask him, after I saw he was drunk I gave up on the ride but he wanted to talk... ( Like all drunks do) So we talked and then the next thing I know... BAM!! I am not even sure that he remembers it.... he could have been in a black out.

In a way I blame myself. I am not a child anymore and I should not be so naive. My first instinct was to let myself fall into a depression and lock my doors from the outside and to not answer the phone and just hibernate.... but that would have ruined all of this hard work that I have done.

It was very hard for me to start leaving the house in the first place. It wasn't but a few years back that I couldn't go to the store without having a panic attack ... and I will be DAMNED If I am going to let this one incident take me back to that... That was living hell.

I used alcohol to give me the courage to get out of the house... Use to be I had to have 3 beers before I went and then eventually I just got this I don't give a SH** Attitude and thought F*** all those people and so what if they are all talking and laughing at me.... maybe they should look in the Mirror!! LOL!!! I don't recommend that approach but it worked for me... I had to get mad!

I feel I have made a lot of progress over the past year - year and 1/2.... I haven't cut since December 3rd and I haven't taken an overdose or tried to kill myself in over 2 years ( I think) But anyway been a while... OHHHHH the thought comes up at times.... but I do not act on those feelings anymore....

If it gets real bad I just take 2 depression pills and sleep for 12 hrs.... I know self medicating!

Woke up the other morning and my Chow (dog) had knocked my Harley over.... going to take a few hundred to fix it and then today she tore my cover for my Golf Cart ( the Gabby Mobile) I would post a picture but for some reason I am not allowed to post attachments..... I guess I can sew the cover and really only need it in the cold weather... but still I paid $100.00 for that thing... can I not have anything nice?

The Harley will be fixed soon and when I get my license back August 28th LOOK OUT!!! The Gabster will be on the loose!!! Still need to find some saddle bags for it.

I earned a station wagon selling trucks for a friend of mine on craigslist... It is just a 1983 Ford Escort.... but I like it... It needs a starter, and If we can't get it running I guess I will haul it over the scales...Should get $150.00 that way.

Running out of things to say.....so I guess I will close and see if I can find someone in a chat room some where! Later JT

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Good for you for not letting the incident the other night intimidate you. It seems to me that you are clear that it was a drunk situation and that you don't need to give it any more thought. You are doing so well, I'm impressed how you have taken charge of your life and you are not letting such things bother you :)

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Finally got around to painting the living room ceiling..... It was stained up from the kerosene heat I use to have to use Plus my nicotine. Looks so Nice.... Clean and bright... like I want to feel... I can't fix the roof or stop the bathroom from falling off the house, but I can make the rooms that I spend most of my time in.... NICE.... know what I mean.

I was actually Raped the other night.... he did not hurt me or anything... but he forced himself on me ... he was too drunk to care or understand the word No.... Like I said I do not think he even remembers... Black outs are hell... He usually calls me on Sunday nights... I wonder If I will answer the call.

NOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND NUTS.... but I don't want to loose him as a friend. I don't have many, but I do want him to know what he did and to apologize....

I THINK I can handle this.... after all that I have been through in my life this is piddly shit...It is not like we haven't flirted etc... but he is married and I am too... so I never thought anything would come of it.

It is not so much the sex.... it is that he took my control that I have worked on for so long away.. at least for a few moments.

Trying not to dwell on it too much or I may try to kill him!!! Not really but I could make him wish he was dead! LOL

Just threw me for a loop but I think I am ok....

Later JT

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Guest ASchwartz

Dear JT,

I am also baffled. How can someone rape you or force themself on you and you continue to think of them as a friend afterward???

You do not feel violated, angry, abused?

Please help me understand.

Allan:(

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How to explain??????

Well let me TRY..... In order to make the progress that I have made in my life, the anxiety attacks are gone.... I haven't cut since December, I haven't acted on or even really felt like dying in a long time.... I have come a long way with my drinking, I am about to take my life back from my husband..... I have quit the meds and think I am doing a good job realizing when I am manic and all the triggers.

In order to do all that, I have to NOT feel.... to have an attitude that I just don't give a sh**..... The most emotion I have felt was in the last few minutes when I read your posts.... I ALMOST cried.... because in a way I know I should have called the cops.... Or at the least told him to go F*** himself.

I am very isolated.... I have him and one other person that I spend time with. I am just a maid for my husband....( for now) He was there for me for the past 8 yrs.... Bailed me out of jail...took me to the hospital after I cut my wrists.... Held me when I could not stop crying. The only flowers I have ever gotten, I got from him.... They were wild flowers but it was nice. He calls and checks on me when I try to Isolate myself... He was the one that was there ... when I was drunk everyday, and just wanted to die all the time. He was sober for 5 yrs and put up with my drunk, Bipolar self.... He just started drinking int he past 5 months and he drinks heavy....I can't keep up with him.

I feel more disappointed than angry. I never thought he would hurt me in any way. To me he is like a Daddy.... he is only 3 yrs younger than my own Dad who is in MD..... He is 70.... but looks like he is 50.

Can you maybe understand that I CAN"T FEEL.... I CAN'T LET THIS GET TO ME OR I WILL LOOSE IT...... I will loose Control and go into a Manic Phase... or get drunk and stay that way and Hate Myself for putting myself in that position. In a way I feel it is may fault.... He was Drunk... I was sober...I should have hurt him.... Kicked him in his Privates.... Got away from him and ran home...

He called this morning to check on me because I have not been out of the house.... Not even took care of the dogs yet. IT was not mentioned.

IF I had my license back ( just 3 more months) Then it would be easier to just not answer the phone or to jump on him about IT..... BUT what if I do that and then I need him??? I am very dependent on him.... Like the "husband" that my husband should be. I have no other way to get to therapy.... no other way to go to town....

I AM NOT MAKING LIGHT OF RAPE IN ANY WAY! I haven't had sex for 2 yrs... My husband has prostate problems and can't......I just sorta figured that until I get divorced that my sex life was over and don't even think about it anymore.

BUT this is how I have to deal with in in order to remain sane.....I have a therapy appointment next week...he will take me and I will go in there and tell her about what happened....perhaps we will be able to put the therapy in person on hold for the next 3 months until I can take myself. My therapist and I do email and I call her sometimes... she is actually pretty good except for marriage things... she is young. I haven't told her yet.

That man has been a daily part of my life for the past 8 yrs.... sorta like another husband.... he use to fix my car.... drove 2 hrs to unlock my van when I accidentally locked my keys and one of the dogs in it.... He has done everything for me that a Husband should do.... except until IT happened we had not had sex.

He is also very prominent in the community and if I had called the cops... nothing would have happened anyway.... I live in the south.... It is how much money you have or who you are having sex with... that is what makes the law work in this town.

Don't really want to ruin his life anyway.... just want him to validate my feelings.... He did not "hurt' me Physically.... just f***ed with my mind and my sanity... what I have of it....

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Was getting long.....

Feel like I am back on Trazadon (sp) Allen you may know what I am talking about.... It numbs your feelings..... Or perhaps I should say Thorzine (sp) .....Except I am not taking any meds.... I just refuse to let myself feel.

I have to figure out how to deal with this... or it will come back to haunt me later.... one day I will have too much beer and that would be the day that I would go off on him.... and I don't want to do anything stupid because I do not look good in jailhouse orange.

Thinking of talking to him and making sure he understands what he did.... I am assuming he was in a blackout..... and how it made me feel... I know he will cry.... He really is a good man..... I know HOW can I still say that? He has done so much for me over the years... I Knew he was in "Love " with me..... He talks too much when he gets drunk... But I never thought he would violate me because he does "love" me.....

OK..... YOUR TURN.... I WILL LISTEN TO ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY AND TAKE IT TO HEART.... JUST PLEASE DON'T HURT ME RIGHT NOW... DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE...

OHHHHHH..... one more thing... I grew up in and then married into very abusive situations... my EX use to lock me in the closet in order to go to the bar alone. I know nothing but abuse and I have done my best to overcome the feelings of self- hatred that come with that..... 2nd marriage is not Physical abuse but mental.... I tend to always pick real winners.... I do not know how it would feel to be treated like a person.... There was a time that I woke up every week with two black eyes.... etc...

Just telling you all that in order to maybe help you understand the way I am trying to deal with this better.... to me ... some forced sex is nothing compared to what I have been through.... NOT looking for sympathy... I have dealt with all that the best I can and after I get my divorce, I will not ever be in that position again.... May have to be alone the rest of my life,but I will be ok.

Your thoughts????

JT

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JustTrying, You have a huge amount of courage, it's clear from your posts, and I think you have a lot of clarity when it comes to what has recently happened with your friend. You share an almost spousal relationship and drunks do very stupid things.... The important thing is how you feel about it, and what meaning you attach to the experience. If it is not something that you lived as being traumatizing, then it is not a trauma. Only you can decide that, and whatever you decide is OK. You have come a long way from what you describe, I truly admire the strength it takes to get through what you have been through and not regress into living life as a victim. You are taking charge, good for you...

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heck! maybe you all do "get" me..... I do not know if the way I handle things is good or not.... but it is the way I handle things... BUT YES... I have to deal with this in someway sober.... or like I said I cannot be held responsible for what I may do drunk./...don't get DRUNK much but am still drinking usually 3-6 to goto sleep...... But thanks for this site... thankyou for respecting my thoughts and feelings.... thankyou for not judging.... JT

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JT,

Oh, sorry, I thought I did respond but on the other forum? I don't know?????

Anyway, I read what you wrote about the person and about wanting to control your emotions. It makes sense. I agree, "It is mind over matter," or "mind over emotions."

Allan :)

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Cutting down contact with him and got a woman from Church that says she will take me to therapy..... I have talked to him on the phone.... but am not too sure about going to the field where we use to meet and talk.....

This is what I think I am going to do...... go see him one day when he is not too drunk ( He drinks alot) and ask him about what happened and let him know that I at least remember it and would like to know why he did it and what made him think that when I said NO I did not mean NO??? And let him know how much he hurt my soul.... and then perhaps I can get over it......I MUST do something... have my feelings .... what is the word I am looking for? validated?

I have been the Victim all my life. I refuse to be that any more.... I really can let him go as long as I can get to my therapist...... I have plenty of food and things I need...... enough to last a while and I COULD ask my Husband to take me to the store If need be... don't like dealing with him either.... but it would be the less of 2 evils....

Just thinking out loud>>>

JT

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I think cutting down on contact is a really good idea, especially if he drinks that much. Not a good influence on you and makes him lose his senses ... Facing him about what happened is a courageous move - the key is probably to find the right time for both of you so that it can be a lucid conversation. I would perhaps also make clear that this is not acceptable behaviour, no matter what. That sets the boundary, for both of you.

Moving from victim to assertive is not an easy thing. For me it meant getting clear on just what my boundaries where, which is not something I have found easy given my background of abuse, and then acting in a way that respects those boundaries.... that has been my biggest challenge.

I lived an indicent today about boundaries. My cubicle colleage at work is in charge of volunteers and we are organizing a big reopening weekend at the Musem next weekend, which includes a big parade and ceremonies. So she has about 200 volunteer to organize, slot in, train... it's a huge job! So I've been helping her a lot. We are now 2 days away and what she needs to do is get the details down pat so that we succeed, not do more recruiting or accommodation of various needs. But she is not capable of setting those boundaries, saying no is alien to her. She is wonderful at her job because she is very accommodating, but what is needed here is assertiveness and the capacity to say no, it's too late, we are frantic as it is and we can't take any more on. So I pushed her a lot to say no today because I can see how stressed she is - she is actually ashen poor woman.:) So every new resquest she got I said tell them no, you're sorry you can't accommodate but it's too late and now you have to work on the details. I pushed too hard, she ended up in tears. I apologized of course, but the point is that I think she is unable to say no, she is completely unclear about boundaries and she thinks she needs to accommodate everyone all of the time.... I realized I have come a long way because I have no problem saying no in those ways. I used to, but no more...experience perhaps. Now it's in more intimate relationships that I still stuggle, but even there I know I've come a long way.

Sooooooo, all of that to say that you are not the only person who is learning about boundaries :)

Edited by Symora
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You seem to understand.... IT is very hard to set boundaries... I too was and still am in many ways a people pleaser..... Me and my therapist have worked on that a while now. And even though I still feel guilty about it sometimes.... LIKE : You know I COULD have done that for that person, I COULD have put the thing off that I wanted to do.... ETC.... THAT kind of thinking use to send me into a manic episode or a 3 day drunk.... "There I will show you!!! Now I will get all F ed up and then you won't ask me to do anything!! " ( Real smart huh?)

I have found out that if I say "No" I am watching a movie right now.... OR even "No, Not today I feel like just sitting here and relaxing" That the world did not come to an end and those other people figured out something or someone else..

BIG relief for me.... because stress is my enemy!

I took a sleeping pill the day before around noon and slept until the alarm went off to feed the dogs and then I went back to sleep.... woke up this morning feeling good.... but I thought It was FRIDAY! LOL thought I had slept all day Thursday! LOL But anyway I feel pretty good.

He is going to get upset If I keep putting him off and he will most likely come down here drunk wanting to know what the problem is..... He called a little while ago.... headed to the Beer store and wanted to know If I wanted any.... I told him I needed to clean the house some and to call me when he got home.... I am hoping to catch him Before he gets drunk... I told him that we need to have a talk...

Part of me does not want to loose him as a friend .... he has been part of my life for so long, However for my sanity.... I must at least confront him and make him understand that what he did wad wrong... etc...AND NO! DRINKING IS NOT A GET AWAY FREE PASS....!!!!

He did goto an AA meeting the other night ..... and he has gotten in touch with some of our sober friends so he does realize that he has a problem... He hasn't quit yet, but perhaps this will be the thing that makes him quit... to realize how much he looses control of himself....

His blackouts use to be funny little things.... Like running over my mailbox and not even remembering coming here....Or calling me up and wanting to know why I took his beer when it was on the floor board of the truck...etc....

I don't know IF I should wait until after I talk to my Therapist..... or just go ahead and talk to him.

I do not think all this NOT feeling is good for me either..... Mother's day went by.... I lost 2 Mother's last year ( I was adopted) and everyone else was on Face book all upset.... I felt nothing.... I did think of them... but I did not let myself get upset..... That is how I choose right now to self preserve.... But I wonder sometimes if that is a good thing.

Think I need to get back to Journaling for a bit... It is better to have some feed back on my thoughts though... it helps me to hear others thoughts and perhaps change my thinking some...I haven't NEEDED this site for a while and I THINK I am ok right now..... but it is nice to talk to people who may understand... at least some of it.

AND Good deal that you are taking back control... I think we all need to in order to FEEL SANE!

Hugs, JT

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I sit here crying because I just lost a good friend???

I caught HIM sober this morning and confronted HIM.... Like I thought he did not even remember or so he said..... I can believe that, You would maybe like to know some of the sh** I have done in a blackout... Like waking up in jail and WTF???

HE got all upset and said that he will leave me alone from this day forward.... Probably, not what I wanted to hear...HE apologized many times and said he would have never hurt me on purpose.... but until he gets his drinking under control HE SAYS he will stay away....

AA meeting tonight.... maybe he will go....

I am ok.... I think... still have my therapy next WED..... so we shall see... BUT I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING..... I HAD TO STOP BEING THE VICTIM....

I do feel better but sad also??? Make sense???

JT

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Hi JT yes it makes perfect sense. And good for you to standing up for yourself, you deserve it even though sometimes that can hurt.

I hope this was a wake up call for him and although it may seem like a lifetime, I hope for both of you he will honor what he said and keep you safe while he gets help. And when the time is right, friendship will rule...

So this can be seen as a blessing in disguise... Do you agree? :D

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Yes... I hope we can both grow from this.... For the first time In my life I handled a bad situation in a way that I thought best.....

Hope and pray he gets help with his drinking.... Like I told him, I don't want to HAVE to come to your house and wipe you A**... Like I did Shotguns when he had liver damage.... can you think... that ol alcoholic pulled through and he was on he was on his deathbed at 48.

I am sure I will miss him, but he has to have time to deal with his own demons....

JT

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Hey JT & Linda,

JT I am so proud of you for telling him what happened (& not giving the drinking free pass) I know it hurts to have your friend back off right now, but like Linda said it may be a blessing in disguise and actually push him in his recovery. Also it gives you a little space to heel yourself as you process this.

I am a former binge drinker / blackout drunk so I certainly can relate to the potential pitfalls of the whole situation. And JT, I hadn't posted on this topic before but I do 'get' why you are choosing to avoid the black and white thinking as far as the actual rape and your friend are concern as part of how you are processing this. That gray area probably helps you not feel pushed into feeling certain things that would make the overall situation feel much worse.

It seems like you have had a rough time with feeling like people are misunderstanding you and your take on things but just wanted to put it out there that there are more of us that do than you might think. I know I will never know EXACTLY what it is to live your life but I have picked up on a lot (that you have chosen to share) and I would never judge you for reacting how you do.

(((:D))) MEG

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