complaining again...

[danni]

It's been "one of those days" I guess. I left work at about 2 today and have been crying for about 6 hours now. I really am not a cryer. I get teary sometimes but I don't cry!! Now I can't stop. I just became so furstrated, angry, and demoralized that I had to walk out. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to make myself go back and try again tomorrow. I am completely overwhelmed. I can't get everything done and feel like a failure. I've been trying to "take one for the team" to try and get our executive director to understand what the staff is feeling and I'm paying the price for it. One of my therapists is going on maternity leave starting on Friday so I'll be covering her job for 3 months. I have to do an all day training on Friday on supporting sex offenders in the community and haven't even started the power point yet. Plus....the opened it up statewide over the web!!! Damn it!!!!

Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm being a whiny bitch about it all but I've totally hit my breaking point today. I've been stressed and frustrated before but haven't felt like totally giving up like I do now... Yeah....I guess I pretty much suck at my work and my life.... Whatever...doesn't matter I guess.

Anyway....thanks for listening to my rant.

[Symora]

You sound overwhelmed Danni, and rightly so perhaps. You are not Superwoman, unless you do in fact wear that slinky suit undernear your clothes of course:) You sound tired and overwrought. They are going to have to listen eventually or they are going to start losing staff left and right. So many expectations and so little staff to do it usually, and the brass wants to look good so everyone needs to keep up appearances. You're doing well by trying to tell them there is a problem, but unfortunately that also makes you the visible target if they don't want to hear it. Story of my life But eventually I also got known to be an employee advocate so that sort of makes it better...

Interesting how there is denial about all this stress and pressure, in a mental health environment... You can only do what you can do... try to take one thing at a time, and prioritizing is super important with that much work in front of you... Hope tomorrow is a better day Danni!

[musemuse]

Hi Danni

I've been stressed and frustrated before but haven't felt like totally giving up like I do now... Yeah....I guess I pretty much suck at my work and my life.... Whatever...doesn't matter I guess

It does matters. It matters to you and a few other who delight in helping others. There is not much I can say to help any, except that I do understand your dilemma. It is not just you, who feels this way, either.

Just hang in there. I know, for myself, that things do not stay the same way for ever. I have gone through crying spells, myself, and even those stop after a while.

God bless,

[danni]

OK....here I go.... I'm going to the office to see if I can make it through the day. Hopefully I can summon up my best acting skills and pretend it's all fine when I would rather just stay in bed all day.

[malign]

Well, I guess the best thing I can say is that I'm glad you're still trying. :-)

It's very true that you can't "get everything done"; you're going to have to delegate some part of "everything" to someone, or something, else.

But that doesn't mean you "suck", it means you're a member of the least exclusive club of sentient beings that I know about, the human race. When you rate yourself as a "failure", what's your standard? You seem pretty darn competent, to me.

So, for instance, can you spread the maternity leave coverage over the rest of the staff, rather than trying out for the superhuman team?

Why is it so important for it all to be "fine"? Since it's not, why is it "failure" to be honest about that?

I hope your today goes a little better.

[JessLL]

It's so hard to be in a field where you try to "heal" others on a daily basis. Whether it be humans or animals, or if it is through physical medicine or emotional.

So much of your energy is used up, and there is none left for yourself when you need it most.

I know it is hard to find the time for it, but you have to recharge your batteries so-to-speak. Take a few minutes to walk outside and let the sun shine on your face. Take some deep breaths and go back to the craziness.

It is so much easier said than done.

Hope you had a better day.

Jess

[danni]

Yesterday went better. My boss seemed to have a change of heart and he's been sucking up big time!!!! Hmmm.....did I like it better when he wasn't talking to me much???

I can't distribute the workload of the person leaving because I would feel horrible doing it. Everyone is extremely overworked and putting in crazy hours. To put more on top of that for them, I feel, would be unreasonable.

I do have my stress relief get aways For example, yesterday when I was feeling maxed out I actually took a "lunch" break and went out to the barn. I keep an extra set of barn clothes there and changed into them and hopped on my horse so we could go really fast for awhile. While out I found a coyote den with baby coyotes!! The were sooooooo cute!! But then I realized that mama coyote may be close by so we ran out of there pretty quickly. (until I went back last night C'mon!! I SAID they were cute!!!)

It's still very "murphy" like this week. Another disgruntled employee making threats. Police needing to be called for something 3 days in a row. And that's just with staff issues!!! Plus...tomorrow I have to do that stupid all day workshop!! My powerpoint is only half done and, unfortunately, lots of people signed up. Do they really want to hear about this model of treating offenders that I basically made up from lots of different models and some of my own trial and error???? Stupid people!!

Anyway....that's today's rant. I'm glad it's friday tomorrow!!! I did manage to sucker someone into taking my on-call weekend tomorrow so I'm pretty relieved about that.

Allright.....where's my hose and my dalmation....I got some more fires to put out!!

[danni]

I'm starting to think I may not be crazy or imagining things. The director of another part of the company had the same experience today that I had on tuesday except came to my office to cry and process rather than just sucking it up and leaving like I did. She basically described the meeting I had with him almost exactly. So...we were brainstorming ways to make things better or communicate differently or do what he wants and just be puppets for things that when you are honest about it come down to being totally unethical!! It's a pretty helpless feeling Where do we go from here?

[malign]

Over this guy's head? He must work for someone.

[IrmaJean]

Yes, it sounds like it's time for a meeting about this. In the store I work in there are often conflicts...some minor and some not...and it is helpful to have a chain of command. It can also be advantageous to have staff meetings so that everyone's feelings can be brought out in the open and heard. Even bosses need a little guidance sometimes on their people skills. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how stressful work stuff can be. Hopefully it calms down for you soon.

[danni]

I wish it was as simple as going up the chain of command but, unfortunately we ARE the upper chain of command.

Yes beth....we meet all the time. this group gets together at least 3X/week and then there's all the informal times when he just pops into our offices. A lot of the problem is this person doesn't have the people skills. He's business and doesn't have any kind of degree in the helping professions where the rest of us are social workers/counsellors/psychologists. So....at the business end, he does OK.....which is important too. We need to be responsible on the money end to stay in business. But....being ethical and following the best practices of our profession is equally important, in my opinion. That's the part he won't hear. He's giving directives on areas that he is not trained in and is not a negotiator. He's one of those people who really does not know how to listen and if he even thinks you might have an opinion different than his, he micromanages and goes around you. (He can't do confrontation or conflict either.) In meetings he will act like he's listening and consensus will be reached but when we walk out the door, he does whatever he wants anyway.....usually without telling anyone.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Danni,

I totally empathize because I have worked in places just like you are describing. No, you are NOT crazy. Its these places that are crazy and what is even crazier is that it is in the helping professions that the craziest places seem to exist, at least in my experience.

Not only take lunch but, if you can, close your office door, sit in a comfortable chair and do a ten to fifteen minute meditation. It won't solve the problem but will re energize you.

Hang in there.

Allan

[danni]

Thanks Allen. That's a good idea. A piece of advice I'm pretty good at giving out but rarely take the time to do myself

I was one of the presenters at a workshop on Friday regarding supporting sex offenders in the community. It ended up being a very eye opening experience regarding my situation. This group of psychologists have been recruiting me for about a year now and I have been hesitant because of currently dealing with my own abuse. But....spending the day with them and getting so much positive feedback was very empowering. Heck, even when I was presenting, I could see them in the back row with these big smiles on their faces. It was just so opposite of what I experience day to day at work. What does it mean? I have no idea but it was certainly another example of how toxic the atmosphere is around here.

Oh....and Allen....it really hit me what you said about the helping professions being the craziest of all!! I even thought the social work department in college was too. Undergrad and grad school!! It seems like such a double standard to be working with clients to improve their lives but treating each other and living our own lives in a different way. I still feel like such a hypocrite sometimes!!