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Ok this is my rambling thread which I’m not sure where to post!! I just want to see if I can make sense of some things. I’m just going to write it down as it comes out of my brain and hope it makes sense.

I’ve talked before about my brain playing tricks on me. And one of those tricks is it keeps trying to tell me something bad happened to me which I have repressed. Now I should stress I don’t actually believe this. I think in my quest for answers I have seen many times this theory and stories of this happening to my other people . And my poorly brain has latched onto this as a way to taunt me. (apologies to people who have really lived you through this)

And then about a year ago I saw a friend who I used to hang around with in our early twenties. We were very heavy drinkers in those days and always out. But we did have sober days as well. She starting saying things “remember when me you and John did this?” “Remember when me you and John went there?”. And I was like “Who’s John?” Anyway she was astounded. Apparently he was a huge part of our life for about 18months! How can I have totally blocked someone out of my head. And like I say we weren’t always drunk. But seeing someone for nearly everyday for that long and you have no memory?! So of course my brain has taken that opportunity to say maybe it was him who did something to me. It’s very confusing.

And it also ties in with something else. As some people may have seen I have this absolute hatred of the way I look. But in a curious way I don’t want anyone to find me attractive. So has mine brain conjured up this horrific ugliness to in some way help stop people finding me attractive? And why do I desperately not want anyone to find me attractive? If it happens I have had experiences ranging from mild discomfort to extreme stress and feeling quite unwell.

I always try and make an effort to look “pretty” and I’m ok with that. But looking more sexually attractive is not good...even though I then moan that I am ugly and unattractive.

Does any of this make sense? I know people will probably say speak to someone, unfortunately that is not an option for me. That’s why I spill it all out on the internet!! Thanks for listening.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Calla,

You are correct, your mind is playing tricks on you but, this is not so simple.

You see, drinking affects memory and I can understand how you would not remember that individual, John.

It is possible that you have blocked the memory of some type of terrible trauma, especially that could have happened when you were young. Now you are left with the feelings but not the memory. However, it makes no difference because you are living in the present. As such, you need to work on reducing stress and anxiety in your life. Meditation, exercise, good nutrition all help. There is also psychotherapy.

It is understandable that you do not want too much attention for being pretty while you want to look nice. In other words, there is something scary for you about being attractive and getting male attention. Again, therapy would help sort these things out for you.

What do you think?


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Yes it does help, thank you :)

I do try to eat a good diet and do lots of exercise. I've tried meditation but I do struggle to relax into it and switch off. I guess this takes practise.

I suppose I do feel threatened in a way. Even with people I don't think for one second would hurt me in anyway. It's very muddled really. Like I say I feel ugly and long for someone to make me feel beautiful but then don't like it when they think I am....all a bit of a mess! :confused:

Or maybe I am scared of getting hurt emotionally.

My Dr is very unsympathetic and I can't afford private therapy. Plus I CANNOT tell someone face to face I worry about being ugly because I think they will be thinking "there's nothing wrong with you psychologically, you just are extremely ugly" And I don't want someone laughing at me like that.

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Calla, have you ever tried drawing portraits?

Even if you have to get pictures off the internet to draw ...

Someone pointed out to me that, once you try drawing a few faces, you start to realize ... there's no such thing as ugly. People's faces are fascinating. Unique. Beautiful.

Now, you can't control other people; there may be some who haven't had this realization yet. But at least you'd know they're wrong ...

I knew a girl once who had a very large, arched, Roman nose. She wore bright splotches of blusher on her cheeks to hide it, and was generally quiet and shy. Until she smiled. And once she smiled, her nose disappeared entirely. One of the nicest people I've ever known, and not even a little bit ugly.

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I'm very bad at art unfortunately. But I get the idea behind that. Thats also the strange thing. When I was in my early teens I thought everyone was beautiful in their own individual ways. I couldn't understand the concept of "ugly"

How things change huh?

And I have a particular fixation with my "crow's feet" and feel I am aging quite badly. Then I got asked for ID today in a supermarket buying a bottle of wine....I'm 33!! Yet to me I look at least 10yrs older. I see my face through my brains fog I guess.

Or maybe how I hope I am to scare of men. Who knows!

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You do, somewhere inside.

It just might take some effort to find the reason.

I think it would help you to explore when it was that your concept of ugly changed.

I'm 48, though, so you, my dear, are what is known as a "spring chicken". :-P

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