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Layers of our personality....


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Tough questions :( I know that I now cope differently than I used to. I don't have the resilience I used to have because of so many years of fighting depression. I become edgier faster, when I am stressed I become a basket case quicker. I'm more wore out than I used to be. On the other hand I have more wisdom so I know the situations to avoid and when to say no to a greater degree. So many different components make up a human being, so many layers, and it changes over time and with life experience....

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... I guess this is just another way bipolar/ptsd has wrecked havoc on my brain …
... I don't have the resilience I used to have ...

... when I am stressed I become a basket case quicker ...

... I'm more worn out than I used to be ...

Linda, Symora,

These are statements that I can relate to as well, oh so much. I'm no longer the person I used to be. :( Not through getting older but through my BP having worsened over the past several years. And I don't have it half as bad as you do Linda, with so much med resistance - you're heroic, you know?

But yes, I don't have as much resilience. It's a recurring theme in therapy, building my resilience up again. I'm tired and worn out. (Good luck with the next two days, Symora.)

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Linda, are you feeling any better today? I hope so.

I was pretty amazed during therapy when I discovered that just about everything (aside from any inherited tendencies) with my personality went back to my relationship with my mother and what I learned through being raised with my brother. Very eye-opening. I think our minds try to find ways of balance and coping within our environments. These patterns of behavior may remain with us even when our situations change.

Edited by IrmaJean
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Wow, Guys. I can relate to so much of what you guys have posted about.

For me, in recent months, a lot of it has been looking back in my life and seeing times when I have had difficultly and never could quite understand why I had such difficulty and felt misunderstood and "why me?" particularly childhood. Now everything makes sense and I am like "OOoooohh, the Bipolar/ADHD/ADD! Now I get it!!" It makes me sad and angry somehow...that this was missed for 35 years. I had things SSOOOOOooooooo much harder as a child/teen...if they, if I, had only known I might have had a chance at some semblance of a normal life then with proper treatment/medications.

I guess one way to put it is that there is this sense of "mourning" the life I might have had and didn't. I am trying to keep my head about it though and not romanticize that things would've been 180. I still was the same person under all the extremes and flaky, erratic behavior. I still have to 'own' my life and my behavior and move forward in getting healthy and having the best life I can from this point on instead of living in the distant past.

I can have no regrets in my life if I choose to live in the present and work daily on becoming the best version of me I am capable of being. That person will always be bipolar and have the history and mental make-up I have but I need to focus on what control I DO HAVE... and live in the here and now with myself as I am, just striving to be the best I can and accepting that that best may not always be exactly where I hope to be but never giving up that 'power' to self doubt.

I will never be perfect, never 'issue free'...but I CAN WORK on being 'happy' and being the wife, mother, friend and self I deserve to be, and the people around me deserve to live with ~~to the best of my ability. Even knowing that what I am able to actually be and do can change one day/hour/minute to the next...if I am doing 'my best' and not diving in to self-doubt and self-pity I will try to make the choice to be content with myself.

(sorry, if that came across like a preachy little 'be happy' sermon. Reading it I do realize it might. Just really trying to make peace with this in my life & this is how I am working on doing that.)

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... looks like I have to stop prazacin now because of extreme dizziness ...


I'm guess the dizziness is from a too-drastic lowering of blood pressure; did the doc try cutting your dose or are you off it? (I guess that's why you've been researching BP and B(lood)P(ressure)?) :)

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