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~Dead inside~ *May Trigger*


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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Nicolec,

There is such a thing as the "self fulfilling prophesy: If I think things will go badly I will work to make it happen. Well, you need to change that kind of thinking.

Are you in therapy and do you take medications? Can you tell us about the issues that most bother you?


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Good morning Nicolec,

When i was much you ger, i used to sef abuse as a rsesult of having survived severe torture and molestations as a child- this went on for nearly 15 years. In fits of rage or when deeply hurt, I would beat my head against the wall until I was unconscious. The splitting headaches and lumps didn't stop me. Now, nearly 30 years after these incidents, I saw the reason for my fits much better. Too old now to try that technique for problem solving, I'd lose what's left of my brain cells.

One thought I had was that for the next impulse, grab a large piece of ice and hold it tightly in your palm, squeeze it, then take a rubber band and snap it hard across the wrist of the hand holding the ice. Then take a red marker/pen and draw deep lines across your wrist where only you can see. None of this will damage your skin (unlike cutting), but it may give you the release you need for now.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, I know this is extremely difficult stuff and the need to self injure is like an Anaconda that strangles every other thought and feeling out of your system.

And as Linda have wisely stated, stay with us and distract yourself until the feelings pass.

If you're in therapy, my hope is that your therapist is very familar with Dialectical behavior therapy, a very useful and effective approach for treateing self injurious behavior.

With great compassion,


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Guest ASchwartz


Medication is no cure all but I do wonder why you are sick of it and why therapy is ending? Could you explain some of that??


Allan :)

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Hi Nicole...

Sorry you're feeling so low right now. Boy am I familiar with those moments!!!

I hate the idea of knowing I'm relying quite a bit on it to balance my moods while I'm on it.

I must admit, this statement bothered me a bit. It says to me that that stigma about taking medications that can help lead a full and happy life is still taboo. I've heard over and over again from people in my life and clients that they feel that taking the step of starting a medication is like a failure or they weren't strong enough to "fix" their difficulties on their own. Truth is, even with medications, you will be doing the lions share of balancing your moods "on your own!" The meds won't do the work for you but can lift up the bottom a bit so it can assist you to do that work. So....you don't want to "rely" on meds to balance your moods? Would you still have that feeling if you had to take insulin for diabetes or a med to lower your blood pressure, both of which would most likely be life long. Meds for depression aren't that different. Don't get me wrong, meds aren't for everybody sometimes the body can't tolerate them or the side effects make it not worth it to take the medication. I also know it can be really frustrating finding the right med or combination but look how you are suffering Nicole. If the simple act of taking a pill can help with that, what do you have to lose, whether it is temporary or if it is long term?

OK...on to the therapy thing. I guess I don't totally understand what you are saying. Is there a time limit for you? I guess the thing I want to remind you of here is that change is a process, not an event. Sometimes it takes a long time to work through things that have happened to us in the past. You have had a very difficult life Nicole with horrible things that have happened to you. It's probably going to take some time to work through that. How is your relationship with your therapist? Is there enough trust that although the concerns you have are really difficult to talk about, you can feel empowered to do it???

Lastly, I just want to encourage you to hang in there. The ups and downs are part of the process, unfortunately but I know how strong you are. Look what you've already survived, nothing can be worse than that and you deserve a happy healthy life...

Take care of yourself!! We care about you too!!!

Edited by danni
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I can't quit talking, two days now, and lots of good ideas, they do come and go by fast, though. Sometimes I think it's bipolar, swings are frequent, irregular, but predictable in that it keeps happening. WOW! the lows are all the way through to visualizing my death, then I realize the aftermath because of suicides of others close to me, and know I can't. But I argue it. Once in the stream of thoughts I can't seem to get out until I see this. Sometimes I consider it as a final comment on the treatment of those with mental illness. We have a disability. A mental disability. Not a character defect. Not a bad attitude. Meaning we process, communicate and act differently. We're not typicaly a threat, and are often quite intelligent. I am quite ill. And haven't been able to effectively communicate it to anyone. Accused of lying about a workman's comp claim by my employer, after being told when I first tried to file that L and I wouldn't buy into it. Every time I got to a doc I get this list of questions and an exam that says nothing, because I feel nothing much when I am there. I requested of my physician to write things down, he said no, I had to tell him. Well, I can't. Over and over. Am obsessing. Two years, the pain and my abilities and willingness to do things diminishing. Can I say these things? I tell them how much I hurt? No. Um, every time they ask me a question, i can't make up my mind what to say. Like the pain scale. Having had two abdominal surgeries, two babies with long labor, and one traumatic birth, immed surgeruy after. That's the worst. A ten, right. So I'm between 4 and I'd say seven most of the time, with my neck and shoulder. Two years now. And recently a new diagnosis of bipolar 2. Second time there. Have multiple diagnosis. Am angry. Was working and productive and had to quit for safety reasons, what was required lifting was way too much. Had appealed many times to employer for assistance. There's so much. After a life of being a caregiver, and much time dealing with the effects of trauma and severe abuse, have actually been able to help others out of it. For the first time in my life I stuck up for myself. And it's been a disaster all the way. They denied me mental health coverage when I discovered a serious addiction to tramadol and it being relatively ineffective for pain. New MRI's, finally, first was blurred, show a SLAP injury. A tear in the cartilage of my shoulder joint. And active inflammation in the marrow of one of my neck vertebrae. Degenerative disease. I find as the day goes my head falls left more and more. It's hard to hold it up. I'm freaking. Skills learned in DBT are finally really opening new vistas for me as I sort through all the ineffective and self damaging beliefs. The shame thoughts, beliefs about the world based on limited and dysfunctional role models. Then when dysfunction is coming from health care professionals I was pissed. I cowered before him, recognized intimidation-"we can take care of you on Medicaid, you have so much wrong."

And so much more. I don't know which way to turn. I quit risperdal, had lots of things happen prior to losing my job. but it broke me. I had a sucide attempt. Went to my physician and was sent away alone to go to emergency.

Shame. Fury. And way more, so I'm not perfect. I just don't want to hurt this bad. And my employer hurt other people. Residents in her adult care home and employees alike. I liked my employer. I don't want to hurt her. I haven't gotten a lawyer. Have been released to work but twice mentally disabled through DSHS. I want to work at something. Can do computer because I can rest my arms on the table and lean back so I don't have extended time looking down. I hurt from my head all down my neck and surrounding area, It burns and hurts hard. Spent most of my life agreeing with people and mirroring, hypervigilant to conflict, think later when home and safe, only to go through the same process over and over. Am learning to stop, and inquire further about statements from people that I'm not clear on their meaning. It helps me identify if I am the problem or if it's theirs and I can mentally disconnect. It's a freedom and a 'power' I've never had. Am losing cognitive abilities. My words keep coming out wrong. And my understanding gets shifted. My partner may mention one of our pets by name, and I respond as if it's another. But the word thing, when talking, my mom did in early alzheimers. There's other stuff here, too. Am so bummed to be going away. And fearful of the loss of consciousness. I have a hard time closing my eyes to meditate, even.

Have been told I was bipolar a number of times in my life, and ten years ago was informed of a study that says the sides of the brain mimic each other, and the cycles increase. I'm here to say possibly yes, but had way lots of trauma all through my life. L and I wants all my mental health records now, and supposedly I have to give them to them and I already did. Have had three claims managers at least, a new one each time I appealed for help. I have addiction issues, abuse, not a chance in hell of making a difference for anybody. L and I has so many appts with me no pain present that I almost feel brushed off. Nobody knows what's gone before, either. And I'm frozen. I disassosciate a lot. My friends are very concerned because I can't fet out of my thoughts. My awareness most of the time is directed inward trying to figure out what to do next. Making decisions has become almost impossible. I write and write and write, to show myself I'm not crazy in my perceptions. I've appealed everywhere I know for help, and am only getting care from the low income clinic in a tiny town where the boss is the initial L and I doc that harassed me, I had a witness, Please, I wrote to norml, to the governor, and to NAMI, have written numerous letters to claims managers. It looks like pain management is my only option. But maybe with the new shoulder and neck diagnosis something can be done. L and I wants all my dental records, too. Know for certain they, claims managers, aren't there to assist you. They are there for L and I and the employer. Everything I ever heard and saw about them is true. Know someone else struggling for care. Have been to appts where he tells them what's happening and because it's not in that moment they come back and tell him it's not. Please, everybody, respond if you have patience to have read this. Urgent need. Thank you.

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Hi Katleen

I am so sorry you are going through all of this... and the frustration of all that you physically feel and the pain of it I am sure is so dabilitating for you. Then to not be able to find help in the mental health community is another pain you have to suffer.

You mentioned about the low income clinic, is there any other one some where in your area you can go to? Or can you go over his head to someone else in that clinic?

Have you contacted your state mental health or Bar Association for mental health advocacy help or can NAMI help you with those contacts especially pursuing the fact that there might be a conflict of interest with the boss who harassed you at the clinic and leaving you no options but to stay and be seen there?

Just some thoughts for you...

I hope things will change for you soon. You are a beautiful caring person and I know you are strong. So please stay "in the Moment" and keep using your DBT skills to get through this... and of course we are all here...


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Hi Linda, everyone.

I seriously didn't mean to hyjack this post. Please, accept my apologies.

Am on meds, thanks Allen, am looking to change from seroquel to lamictal. Feels like a death sentence to me. We'll see.

Everyone, Thank you. I've been stalking here and trying not to obsess but circumstances are what they are. Just wanted to talk. Things will work out.

Am with all of you, riding my own waves.

What a journey

loves and hugs


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Guest ASchwartz


You are not bumping anyone and you have as much right to post here as anyone else.

Why are you so fearful of a change of medication?


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