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I greive for my angels


DahliMOMMA
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I don't know exactly why I am posting this now as I probably won't delve all the way into the topic.

I am reflecting on how my life would be different if I had my angels (my kids) with me here today. I am blessed to have my 4 living children in my life. I do reflect some days on the 'what ifs'...My son Ian would be 12 1/2...He was due a year after my oldest daughter (would've been Irish twins) but was born at 28 weeks and passed in the NICU due to developing a serious bacterial infection in utero that progressed into his bloodstream. My other angel would've been 7 this year, early ultrasound showed delayed development and I lost the baby naturally a couple weeks later (at a July 4th picnic, no less).

I have had enough time and space to be at an okay spot with this where it doesn't pain me daily and I am at peace with my losses. Sometimes though it just pops up when you least expect it to.

I think this coming up as I realize there is a change I might be yet again pregnant and wondering how can I go through this again, the strain it would place on me physically, emotionally, financially and what adding another child would do to my husband and other 4 kids. All things considered I don't think I could ever just terminate a pregnancy, even unplanned. A lot is probably going through 'what ifs' hopefully all this stressful reflection and worry will be over nothing.

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I simply wanted to say that I understand your words and that I grieve with you. I too lost a child at 4 1/2 months and I know the strange world that puts you in. I will remember your angels and hope that you find peace with the possible pregnancy however it turns out.

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I am sorry for your losses, DahliMOMMA. I can't even begin to imagine the grief of such a loss. Losing a child must be especially painful, since they bring us very much hope for the future. I think it makes total sense that you have been thinking about this now if you have been considering that you may be potentially pregnant again. I'm not certain that I have much to offer which might be helpful, but I do hear you and hope that things turn out for the best.

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I don't know exactly why I am posting this now as I probably won't delve all the way into the topic.
I wonder if you're posting this b/c somewhere in your heart of hearts and in your soul of souls, there is an incompleteness or a soft mourning. I know it is not an answer you seek Dahli, maybe an understanding and a compassionate ear.

The people of my village have a belief that every plant and animal is sacred, and they believe that every tree has a consciousness that goes far beyond it's own growth and breath. My Uncle would describe the mesquite bush and show me how it had wrapped itself around the barbed wire that it was used for when corralling the herds. The tree had absorbed the wire, made it a part of itself by wrapping it's bark and tissue around it much the same as a pearl is made from a grain of sand by an oyster. "The trees are aware, Mijo" would say my Uncle Enrique" when they are cut down, of which home they are in, which chair they have been used to make, which pot of beans they have cooked."

Carrying and losing a child has little comparison to other life experiences and throughout all of this, your words are heartfelt and deeply meaningful to me. The spirit of each child not only ascends upward, but it also ascends into you (like the tree knows its' purpose beyond where it has been planted) and tho all of us that have lost someone, we feel this ascension in us as a stirring that never really is quiet.

Dahli, I had much more to say, but found myself writing a plodding dissertation that would not have added to your words. My heart goes out to you and if I could, I would loan you of my soul.

Hopefully this mishmash of words makes sense... I found myself struggling and choking back tears as I recognized my own losses in your story.

Vaya con Dios,

David

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