Ashamed and Embarrassed

[EricDavis2]

Many "experts" on the subject of Smal Penis Syndrome make a particular statement that really frosts me:

Guys just THINK their penis is small. These guys are either a) using the wrong studies on penis size, or watch so much porn their perspective on what is small is distorted, or c) because the angle they have when looking at themselves make it look smaller than it is.

Response: It's not my imagination. My penis is only 3" erect, and bearly noticeable when flaccid (it doesn't even stick out further than my testicles). No matter what study you use, this is a small penis. Maybe not microscopic, but clearly below anybody's definition of "average". There is no bulge in my shorts, let alone with pants on. No "package" for women to "check out".

I know all about the "it's not what you have, but how you use it" philosophy. I know that there are some women out there that wouldn't run away at the sight of the man they are going to bed with is small, and that some women prefer a penis that isn't too big. I get all that.

But you've got to understand that we don't know if the woman I'm interested in is that type of woman. Unless you have a conversation with her like "Gee, I bet you'd really like to have sex with a small-dicked guy" or she says "I hope you have a small one - think of the fun we could have using a magnifying glass to find it".

The fear and embarrassment I have of the woman being either disappointed or disgusted with my lack of size paralyzes me. It stops me from even trying. I am ashamed of what I have. Coupled with my natural shyness, combating this fear is almost unbearable and unfathomable.

One bad experience in being laghed at, humiliated, or just getting the look of "is that all there is?" can destroy any thread of confidence I could muster. The fear is that real and that strong.

One last thing: Since I'm not superconfident in approaching women, the number of opportunities I would ever get to be intimate with someone are few and far between. So the advice of "get out there and keep trying" is hollow. My shyness alone limits my chances to find the right partner.

[lifeless existence]

Welcome back, Eric. You've made some good points. Points that I think a lot of the people trying to help us here just don't understand. Things that make certain comments and offered advice extremely frustrating for us.

The part about not knowing whether you're dealing with that type of woman is so very true. You can't just come out and ask. You can't even drop hints and try to feel her out. If you do and she is the type of woman who will run, she will run and you're stuck with the terrible fear about her telling everyone. If you do and she's the type that really doesn't care about size, she'll think you lack confidence and be turned off and split or she'll split because she sees you as a man with a complex. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

The part about fear of her being disappointed or disgusted really hits home. I think most of us here share that feeling, along with the shame.

I'm naturally shy too, so I definitely know how that complicates matters.

[Recluse]

Hi Eric, sorry you go through this mess as well. The only solution I have found is paying for sex. I don't know if that works for you but it is the only thing that has worked for me. It is also important to address and overcome certain behaviors that have been a result of your depression that comes from being small.

[nearlydead]

Hi Eric,

For us, dating is little better than russian roulette. We have to screen our women to discover thier attitudes. and we have to be a little more subtle than the ways you descirbed. You have to come up with stratergys that allow you to gauge her likely reaction. The one thing you dont want to do is to confess to a woman that you are small. Because once you are ready to talk about it and you find a woman ready to listen, you will make her life hell constantly asking for reassurance, or questioning her choices and motives. I've done it and it ruins relationships. Best to put up and shut up on your own worrys.

The other point is that once you do get out there and start engaging in dating and sex, the women will talk to thier freinds and your size will then become common knowledge, and you will feel humiliated, possibibly ridiculed. This has happened to me on a few different occassions, resulting in me walking away from three different lives. The answer to ridicule is not to avoid it, but to accept it and manage it. I dont think I can ever achieve that level of control over my reactions, but it remains the only method we have at our disposal. Lifes shit then you die, just dont breed and at to the shit.

Strangely, I dont suffer from shyness in approaching women. Myself and all my friends knew I was small from the age of 13, I have always had daily ridicule over this poxy thing. But I used that anger to be the best I could be, which meant that when we were in pubs eyeing up attractive women, It would be me who was the first to go up and start chatting with women, this way I got the girls before my freinds could let the cat out the bag that I was deformed. 2 of my old friends are married to girls who I initially approached.

My advice would be, they dont bite, learn some sales techniques, open, closed questioning techniques, listening skills. Have a bank of basic questions that you can ask which provoke a thought out response. Google PUA, most of it is crap, but some of it makes sense.

A good way of developing your conversation skills and confidence would be to join a dating site and just chat online with a few women for a couple of months, although there is the slight chance you could end up talking to a guy in a dress.

[Recluse]

What ND said is spot on. I can't take the humiliation and ridicule so I just pay for sex when I can. I also have e.d. as a result of performance anxiety due to size so that is another reason why I pay. You need to figure out what works for you. My way, ND's way or a combination of both. The main thing I have been working on and telling others lately has more to do with addressing the resultant depression and behavioral patterns that are associated with it.

[LonelyGuy]

I can't go to prostitutes my ego and pride won't let me.

[IrmaJean]

Hello, Eric. You mention being shy. Have you explored the potential reasons behind your shyness? I was very shy most of my life, but only recently have (mostly) worked through this. I discovered that I was projecting fear and so others saw me as unapproachable. Smiling, good posture and a confident demeanor often elicit more positive responses from others. Maybe give it a try?

[Recluse]

Eric, I understand that hookers are not for everybody. You have chosen the harder road which unfortunately entails rejection and humiliation. I am not saying that you won't find someone, I am just saying that rejection or humiliation might be things you have to deal with along the way.

[nearlydead]

I can't go to prostitutes my ego and pride won't let me.

So what can you do? and when you going to do it?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi,

I want to point out that, in finding a partner, one always does a screening process. Big or small, woman or man, no one wants to be with someone who will be demeaning. Also, why tell someone you are small before having sex. Let them see for themselves. I know one thing, I would immediately reject anyone who demeaned or ridiculed me. Be angry at that person and not yourself.

Allan:)

[nearlydead]

Hi Alan,

Everybody screens a potential partner for all sort of compatability matches. However, it is only the small man and the extremely large man who has to screen women around size issues.

I agree there is no point in telling your partner you are small, she will know soon enough.

As I have said before, every sexual encounter for us is russian roulette, because every woman we sleep with has the power to out us to the world that we are small. Once other women, freinds and peers know you are small, you will always be ridiculed and humiliated, its happened to me in three different lives.

A small sexually active man therefore has to overcome the feeling of humiliation from being ridiculed. In effect we have to "just get over it" accepting that ridicule will always be a part of our lives. We can escape the humiliation by ignoring it.

"just get over it" is the answer to 99.9% of peoples depressive issues, because in reality thats all anyone can do. Murdered, raped, shot, beaten, and causing you upset then "just get over it" because you cannot change the past. Burnt, disfigured, amputee, scarred, paraplegic, small penis, "just get over it" because thats all you can do.

Anybody who has a problem that cannot be changed, can only effect change for the better by thinking differently about that problem. We can all do the soul searching, checking out our childhoods, nuturing relationships, staring at our poo etc but at the end of the day. If you have a diddy little penis that you cannot rely on to get hard, and leaves you open to ridicule and humiliation, "just get over it".

[Recluse]

I pretty much agree with you there. That is the only option if someone like us wants to date and have sex without paying for it. The only option to attempt to live a somewhat normal life is to get over it. The question is whether or not a normal life is worth the shame and humiliation.

[LonelyGuy]

So what can you do? and when you going to do it?

I don't know

[nearlydead]

Shame is our own feeling, only we can feel it. In order to feel shame, we have to think shameful thoughts. My penis is small, ugly, usually impotent, looks stupid, feels stupid and small, she's gonna laugh, not feel it, blah blah, These are the reasons why I allow myself to think shameful thoughts, which then make me feel shameful. If I stop thinking these thoughts, I stop feeling shamefull. But what do I replace these negative penis thoughts with? its normal, it feels great, its beutifull.

Ridicule, I have no power over, except the ability to ignore it from anyone and everyone. So if someone comes up to me and spits in my face, or kicks me in the bollocks, I have just ignore it, take the higher ground. You only call me that because you have your own issues.

No wonder psyecology is regarded as the cinderalla medical trade, because it is all utter self delusional crap.

[nearlydead]

I don't know

Is it worth myself, or anybody else suggesting some things you can do? Would you take any action anyway?

[curtailed]

No woman no cry

[nearlydead]

No woman no cry

In this great future, You can't forget your past.

[nearlydead]

hmm.... I don't know if what I'm about to say is going to cause offence, and that's not my intention. If it's that bad that some of you are terrified of ridicule, have any of you thought about trying to date an asexual? If you're looking for that closeness and companionship it could be an option.

For the record, some asexuals do engage in sexual activity, but it's low down on their list of priorities.

I mean if it's really this bad, and it makes you this lonely, do you think that could be an option?

I understand if you want children or are highly sexual it won't work.

Like you sky, i dont suffer with loneliness, even though I am alone. Im not looking for a long relationship, I just want to date, mainly for the sex. If a long term relationship came along, then I wont have a problem with it.

I have two main aspects of this size thing I cannot conquer. 1)I hate the thing. 2)I cannot take the pain of ridicule or sympathy. 3rd would be the shame.

Although I have yet to conquer these areas, I at least know there is something there to fight with. Just feel like Im losing though.

[Recluse]

I don't need help with lonliness or anything like that. I want to date, have sex and have normal interactions with women. I don't need companionship. I think those of us on here that need or want companionship might want to consider what you are talking about. I have no aversion to possibly being in a relationship but I am on the page of just being able to meet a girl at a bar or gathering and being able to date or have sex or both.

[IrmaJean]

Like you sky, i dont suffer with loneliness, even though I am alone. Im not looking for a long relationship, I just want to date, mainly for the sex.

Have you ever thought about why you aren't looking for more? Maybe if you were dating and desiring something deeper, you wouldn't focus so much on this one aspect of relationships. Or the focus would take on different meaning.

[nearlydead]

Have you ever thought about why you aren't looking for more? Maybe if you were dating and desiring something deeper, you wouldn't focus so much on this one aspect of relationships. Or the focus would take on different meaning.

It used to be because I did not want to breed and pass my deformity on, then to not condem a woman to a life with a small angry little man, and so on. Now its because after all these years of being alone, I dont think I want or can imagine falling in love (whatever that means) and living with a woman.

Like Sky, I think Im a pragmatist, I dont use my soft emotions. I dont use love, compassion, caring, I do use anger hate, I am more negative than positive about everything its just my outlook. Having a small penis has robbed me of optimism. My overal 46 yr expierence has been pessimistic. I have no rose tinted glasses. this life is something you get through before you die.

This is all my depression talking, im pissed of with missed opportunity, I have a urge to brain somebody. The trouble is depressed or positive it counts for nothing when I pull down my shorts and show myself to a woman. Because at that point it is what she thinks that counts. Its what she then decides to do with that information that counts. All beyond my control

Edited May 31, 2010 by nearlydead
jkkl;j ghui

[Recluse]

That is the problem all along. I could not have said it better myself. I can only control how I think. What the woman thinks of my size and what she decides to do is something I have no control over. Because of this, not matter how I change my thought patterns I am still at the mercy of someone else which makes my thoughts worthless. If I was to have a partner I did not pay for, it would be necessary that they be ok with my size. What I've heard from women, what my generation expects in regards to size, and where I live are all factors that contribute to my inability to be ok with my size. My ability to be ok with my size is dependant on women who I am with being ok with it.

[curtailed]

What the fuck?

I thought we agreed we wanted to be James Bond. I don't think any woman would laugh too hard at mr. Bond for having a small willy.

-- Curtailed

[IrmaJean]

Like Sky, I think Im a pragmatist, I dont use my soft emotions. I dont use love, compassion, caring, I do use anger hate, I am more negative than positive about everything

I think you underestimate yourself, ND. I've seen you offer support in a caring way. Maybe you might try allowing some positive emotions. At the very least being giving helps one to feel good about oneself. I really enjoy accessing these parts of myself. You should give it a try.

The trouble is depressed or positive it counts for nothing when I pull down my shorts and show myself to a woman. Because at that point it is what she thinks that counts. Its what she then decides to do with that information that counts. All beyond my control

What you project does play a factor in how you are received. But, as I've said before, what you've written above is essentially true in any relationship or intimate encounter. You can't control others' feelings or responses.

Skynight, I have never had a discussion with anyone, friends or otherwise, about penis sizes.

[nearlydead]

Swings and roundabouts. women in thier 30's and 40's a more likely to of had kids, which makes them looser, they are also sexually more intune with what they want. But I agree, they are a little more mature in thier attitudes and expectations of size.

With younger women it is more likely that they have an unrealistic expectation of size. But once they have had maybe 5 lovers or so, then real world expeirence will take over from the media and girl talk. However young or old. most will tell thier friends.

I think you are right about shallow women. Because I am so body concious, I am only attracted to physically attractive women. Women who take pride in thier appearance, work out, eat well, dress well and groom themselves well. Unfortunately it is these ultra feminine women who are more likely to be concious of thier mens bodys. But again there are exceptions to the rule, as I have dated some extremely attractive women.

But at the end of the day, these are all just fears that we must overcome, ignore. I think curtailed may be right, all we can bring to the party is balls out chest out heads up confidence, reaal or imagined.