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I've become ugly again

Calla

By Calla
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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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I know I have spoken about this many times but it's not been so bad recently. Suddenly it's back with avengence.

I'm having to wear my glasses and cap again because of how ugly and abnormal I am. :P

I had a brief conversation with someone I vaguely know today. For some reason I keep playing it over in my head (it wasn't controversial or anything) but everytime I speak in the conversation my face turns into this hideous animal like thing. When I'm not speaking my face is not too bad but when I speak it morphs into the ugliness I know is there. I think I see people trying not to laugh or be sick.

On a side issue, there has been a rook or raven (or bird of death as I call them) making a lot of noise outside my flat. And now I can't stop thinking someone I know is going to die.

Sorry I am rambling again, just getting that out of my head. :confused:

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IrmaJean Senior Member

IrmaJean

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Perhaps what you "see" is your inner pain working its way out so that your true inner beauty may shine through.

Is there anything in particular about the conversation which was upsetting to you in any way? Or does this feel like an intrusive thought?

Moving through change...even positive change... is a struggle and may be even painful at times. Sometimes it's two steps forward and one step backward, but you try to hang in there and gradually you'll find yourself moving forward.

How are you feeling now?

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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It was a conversation with a single man. I think that sums up most of my problems :P

This ugly issue accounts for 90% of my problems.

The problems I have spoken about before with my male "friend" even though I see him most days through his work....I am scared that if we meet up in a romantic sense he will actually "see" my face. In all it's full technicolour gory.

So right now I feel "ok" but back to extremely ugly, disgusting people who have to look at me.

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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I know what you are saying and thank you. But at the same time how are you supposed to ever believe different if no one ever tells you different?

But yes I can see how it is on my own terms. And I see that this has come back after a turbulant week in my non existant love life. That's so damn f@'^ing stupid. I have the most messed up love life I know without actually having one. I hate that.

But I have become more ugly because I want men to leave alone perhaps? but how do I ever know if I am ugly or it's in my head? I think I must be ugly. No one nice is single for as long as me.

I keep having my visual suicide flashes again. I wish I didnt have any family then I could just do it conscience free. There is NO point in my life what so ever.

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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Thank you but I am beyond help with this. If you have a life time of abuse about your looks how are you supposed to love yourself with no validation from anyone else? I mean no offence in this but a lot of people on here are married or have a partner....they cannot possibly understand how it feels to be so ugly people bark at you in the street. I really liked David's story about humans being split by the Gods.....and most of you have found the other half. To vaildate you, to make you feel worthwhile. It has gone to far that I can;t just say "oh ok, I'm not ugly, men just don't like me because of something else"

This subject makes me want to kill myself, every second. I can't just think I am ok, I am a pig and I HATE myself

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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Now I can't stop crying again. I am just taking up a flat that could belong to someone worthy. and taking work from someone who would spend the money on a life, on family or seeing friends. I'm taking up valuable space for someone. My parents had a child that died before I was born. And maybe if that child had lived it would have been so much better. They would never have had me. And maybe she would have had a real life instead of this waste.

I'm scum.

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IrmaJean Senior Member

IrmaJean

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Calla, close your eyes and think of the shooting stars and how they sparkle in the night sky. Or of your beautiful calla lilies. You're in a moment right now and you're strong enough to make your way out.

I struggle with this too at times. I've been barked at more than once in my lifetime. Not a very good feeling. I do have a husband, but he has been my one and only. No others showed any interest. Never so much as held hands with any other. So maybe somewhere inside I don't believe it either or am fighting to still. Always work to be done.

Maybe try building it from within. Embracing your strengths will help you to feel beautiful from the inside. And the belief you have in yourself projects outwardly for others to see. I feel better about myself now, so it is easier to smile and invite others in. I am less afraid and more confident. People do respond to me more positively now. But I am still working on it. Keep trying, Calla.

I hope you feel better, Calla.

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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Everytime I see a beautiful woman I feel so envious and sad. I also think it's why I don;t have many friends. I can't be friends with anyone very attractive....not calling my friends ugly btw. But I just don't like good looking women, I'm one of those terrible jealous girls.

Life is so unfair. I cant love myself until I find someone to help me love myself but I can't find anyone to love me until I love myself. It's all wrong.

I kept saying to "the guy" who is a bit younger, what would a young good looking man want with a fat ugly pig. how is anyone supposed to deal with that I guess. so he ran. This is ruining my life. But surgery is expensive. but I guess if it works it would be worth it to help my life.

I may just see if there are any shooting stars now. Cause I will always go round in circles!!! I'll report back!

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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Oh it gets worse. I've just caught sight of myself in the mirror after crying and it's SO much worse. I get more ugly and old looking. I look about 50yrs older than I am.

The only answer is surgery or suicide. I can't see what else to do? Why should I live a life of being ugly? Who says I have to?

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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Thing is no one from here can ever tell me I'm not ugly because they dont know, so they can't help me with loving myself. And unfortunately (and I partly blame my job) to me inward beauty and kindness isn't worth much for me. It's all about looking like a pig. People want to be sick when I am near them. Thats hard to take. I don't want to talk to graphically but not many people can understand what it is like to be without any physical contact for so long. Thats quite difficult.

And no, no stars...it was a bit cold out there tonight!!! Saw a satellite though...not quite the same!

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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I work in media. Where woman are still second class to men. And once they reach a certain age they are replaced by younger models. The greatest sin is to get old as a woman in this industry. It has jaded me some what. Plus just being replusive without the old part. It's not easy to be physically void. And I think this adds to my low moods. If that makes sense.

But yeah you can see satellites ALL the time!! I see them nearly everytime I star gaze. They are just like stars but slowly move across the sky. You have to just lie and stare a while!

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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I think in the UK it is a bit different...I maybe wrong, but here our tabloid press are evil. you are not allowed to get old or have a blemish. Men can be all shapes, sizes and ages. Women have to conform. It's horrible. It DOES give some a jaded view of themselves no matter what they say...me being one. I can never have perfect skin or hair like some do.

On a side note that I know you understand, I keep wanting to ask "the guy" if he hates me, even though I know it's pointless. It is pointless though isn't it? Just move on?

And yes the sky is awesome. Sometimes it helps me remember my place. The whole insignificance of a little speak in all that wonder and undiscovered space.

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Calla Senior Member

Calla

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Cause I don;t want him to hate me and I'm not sure if he does. We;ve had a rather complex relationship.....well non relationship should I say.

It's an odd one. I hate him sometimes for being in my life. I think he is a player. But then when he goes away I miss him as he is the only person who shows me any attention :(

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