Has anyone successfully overcome anxiety?

[Fedup]

How did you achieve it if you have? I'm currently trying to take the bull by the horns and trying to meet strangers of the opposite sex on the web. Will this be too much too soon to thrust myself straight into my most anxious moments?

In my head it all seems easy. You meet them and can think of a million things to say but in reality I fear my brain my freeze and I won't be able to stop the physical shaking. I can't even seem to take the step of imitating conversation at the moment. However actually arranging a date sort of forces you to converse and seems like the ideal solution in my head.

[nathan]

Your brain will freeze at first, it just will, it has to becuase it hase been programmed into doing that. don't let it stop you though, just keep pushing yourself. The worst thing you can do is to let it stop you from doing what you want to do.

If your a guy, talking to girls online takes a bit of thought though, becuase they get like 100 emails a day with guys saying "hey wutsup," If you are a girl, well its relatively easy to start chating online.

As far as anxiety though, try to laugh at it. Treat it as something that is not you, give it a name. This will help you get over it, well it helped with me anyway. It sounds stupid I know. When Anxiety comes, say to yourself " oh hello anxiety, you can stay if you want, just don't be a pain in the ass." Don't try to ignore or fight your anxiety, just work along side of it. It starts to go away when "it" realizes how powerless it is over you.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Fedup,

I want to advise caution about dating online. If you set up an account with one of the well established and legitimate dating sites on the web then you are ok. However, if you meet the person, do so in a safe place, like Starbucks, etc and for only a few minutes. You want to be sure you are meeting an honest and decent person.

Limiting the time for the first meet will reduce your anxiety.

Do not go to the chat rooms. There are predators, yes, women too, on the web. Be careful.

Allan:)

[rjridley]

I just recently chose to try online dating again. If you are a good writer and have flattering pictures, you may be able to get women to contact you first just from looking at your profile. Otherwise, take advantage of the fact that there are no time constraints. If you were IMing or talking on the phone, you would really have to think on your feet. Since the first few contacts in online dating are email based, you have as much time as you need to make sure that you are saying what you really want to say before you click send. Make sure you write something that conveys that you chose to write a specific woman because of something that stuck out about her, as opposed to giving off the impression that you are flooding every woman on the site with a form letter email. Keep the tone light and positive in the beginning.

I haven't gotten over anxiety. I will think I have, but then it creeps back up. The things I am not anxious about are things where I have had repeated and consistent success. So maybe it is possible to approach something that you are anxious about with the same mindset you have when you approach something you aren't anxious about in order to be more relaxed in the anxiety-provoking situation.

[shye1]

Hey Fedup, yes I am fortunate enough to say I have beaten anxiety. Well, let me rephrase that. I have learned how to overcome it, but it something that will remain with me forever. I suffered from social anxiety a lot throughout my teen years. I took a social anxiety course, which was group therapy for 3 weeks, and while that didn't initially kick it, it set the gears in motion and helped me develop the tools I needed to battle it on my own. The best way to overcome anxiety is to face your fears. You can and should do so in a baby step by baby step process. If you're deathly afraid of flying for instance, it wouldnt be wise to just go get on a plane. Rather you would perhaps take a trip to the airport first without getting on a plane, just to get a feel for your surroundings. I also have a phobia of eating off food, like meat, salmonella and all that stuff. Again, I beat it by continuing to eat meat even if I was uneasy (unless of course it really smelled rotten!). It wasn't easy and I still have phases where I will sit and worry for hours on end that the chicken I just ate was off. But nothing ever happens to me, atleast nothing that warrants such intense worrying. Eventually I learn my own patterns and it becomes easier to settle my thoughts. It's still with me but I can tell you from experience, you can definitely learn to be stronger than your anxiety. Now I'm onto beating my relationship anxieties, by the sounds of it so are you. I don't even know where to start. I just want to meet people I think. I wish you the best of luck and have sure faith that you can get passed this.

[soh238]

I haven't yet... but I agree with the others. Like one of my psych teachers put it this way that the idea is not to get rid of it but to work with it. Like if you have diabetes, do what you can to keep it down, and eventually you'll be a pro at it, but I guess always be careful of going back into old patterns... lol you can do it! I'm working on it too!

[Athena]

Where i live, we have some "Matchmaking" services. They post ads in the local paper. They say they screen people really thoroughly and have years of experience putting likely matches together. I don't know if it's all BS or not but if they are for real, it sounds a lot better than internet dating sites. I think that's probably the way I'll go when I'm ready/if I don't meet anybody suitable through other activities.

As to the "anxiety" part, "fake it til you make it" has been my typical motto. Does it work? If you're with somebody you like and feel comfortable with, yes - short term, anyway. Long term - if it's anxiety due to deep rooted self esteem problems - well that got me into loads of trouble. But it depends on you - and whether the other person is genuinely a nice, kind person (or the other type, in which case, run away and don't look back!)

[flander]

Where i live, we have some "Matchmaking" services. They post ads in the local paper. They say they screen people really thoroughly and have years of experience putting likely matches together. I don't know if it's all BS or not but if they are for real, it sounds a lot better than internet dating sites. I think that's probably the way I'll go when I'm ready/if I don't meet anybody suitable through other activities.

Are those a "mail order bride" like organization? Business Week had an article about them recently and said that match.com apparently partnered with some of those services. I'm usually at work or home. I don't see myself meeting people at the usually suggested events/places.

[CantGiveItAway]

I don't know how to overcome anxiety but if I was going to get girls either online or in person I would just be myself. You have a way better chance of meeting someone you really like and is good for you. If you try to act like some "cool person"(whatever that is)or someone your not, you may attract girls but alot of them probably wont care about you. You can only fool someone for so long. I wouldnt obsess about what I say or try and think too long in person or on the internet. If you fumble with your words around women or you act sort of awkwardly I would just do that. Some girls will see you and think it's cute and your probably be more comfortable because they were accepting the real you. Try to be more gentler with yourself. If you went through 50 no's and the 51st was someone that really meant alot to you wouldnt you be glad you tried to put yourself out there in some way?

[Athena]

Are those a "mail order bride" like organization? Business Week had an article about them recently and said that match.com apparently partnered with some of those services. I'm usually at work or home. I don't see myself meeting people at the usually suggested events/places.

It doesn't sound like "mail order". It sounds a lot more personalized. For example here's an excerpt of an ad which was in the companion services section of Canada's main national newspaper: "... Canada's only traditional matchmaker has been successfully bringing people together for over 20 years. Interviewing all her clients personally in the comfort of their homes enables her to get to know each client as an individual, their goals, lifestyle, values and interests. This screening process ensures the quality of the clients you will meet."

It seems to be set up almost like an executive search firm. Who knows, the fees may be outrageous, but that's small potatoes versus losing your retirement, house and sanity with the wrong person. Presumably, you can also check out the credentials of the "matchmaker". I would suspect there are similar services in other countries.

There was a thread on internet dating experiences a while back on singlefamilyvoices.com, a similar (free) site to mentalhelp but with the community being single parents. After reading the horror stories the women experienced (I think there was only one poster with a good experience), I figured I would probably never try the Internet route.

[58corvette]

I originally looked at this Post "Overcoming Anxiety" & quickly noticed part of it involves meeting others & Dating Online.

First I just wanted to Mention a Recent Movie (Temple Grandon) about a Woman who is Autistic & Overcame Many obsticles including "Social Anxiety".

This Film & The Woman Herself won Acclaim & Awards. It is a True Story.

Anyway in the Movie & Her Own Life it shows her Overcoming this Anxiety by using an Invention she Created that is used to Calm Cows Down. Also it shows her Most Importantly as Invisioning each Obstacle as "A DOOR" & Opening this Door to the Other Side. I Personally think this is a great Method on how to Overcome Our Anxieties & Fears.

As far as Online Dating I have Tried a Few so Far; Even A Site that has People who Suffer from all sorts of "Mental Issues"; from all over the World. I have not found any success Personally on any of these Sites. I think the Most Suprising is the Mental Dissorder Site. A bit Suprised & Dissapoined about that one.

A few years back (Shortly after My Divorce) & when I had some Money; I was on E-Harmony. For awhile it was not going well. Then just as I started to get better myself, learned a few things & took some advice it started to get better. Then I relocated without Computer. So that ended that.

Now I am going to be Honest on a few fronts here. I am Picky & A bit Untrusting & Jaded. Part of what I state on these sites is "Physical Attraction" is important to me. I know that may turn a Lot of Women including ones on this Site Off. Im being Honest. And I think Physical Attraction is important to Women as Well. Isnt it? Please be Honest Ladies.

It is a staring point in Relationships I believe. There has to be some sort of Physical Attraction to one another.

And I will Continue my Honesty & state they're have been a few Ladies on this Site (No Names) who have Peaked my Interest. Of course the ones that are Married are Off Limits. I will always have my Morals & Values. But would'nt that be nice to hear for all of us that Two People met their Match & Soulmate on this Site. Successfully & Happily? I know it may be Innapropriate to Mention that here but is it not something Some of us think about from Time to Time? Or is it just me? Again Be Honest.

And to Everyone; Allan, Administrators, and the rest of us; Im sorry if I overstepped my Bounds & mentioned something innappropriate. But Honesty & Overcoming our issues is part of what this is all about right?

Anyway; Dating, Relationships, Anxieties & overcoming all these obsticles is very Difficult. Lonliness is such a big issue for me. And besides battling my Depression much of what I have Mentioned & Experienced is a big part of why I am on this Site to begin with. Along with Finding my Purpose in Life Again.

It is Like Finding A Needle In A Haystack for me. As far as a SoulMate. All I ever wish for Myself & Anyone in Life is to find True Love, Friendship & a SoulMate.

So with all that said & out in the Open; I will Continue to Hope & Believe that I can Continue to Overcome my Anxiety & Fears; Open Doors ("Dating" at my Age is a Name that is a bit "Dated" if you will). So I will just say "Find My SoulMate".

The Best to All Of Us in our Continued Journey's.

Thanx for Reading, Listening & Understanding my Rambling Again.

Sincerely; Jim

[Athena]

First I just wanted to Mention a Recent Movie (Temple Grandon) about a Woman who is Autistic & Overcame Many obsticles including "Social Anxiety".

This Film & The Woman Herself won Acclaim & Awards. It is a True Story.

Sounds Inspiring. Nice to know there is hope for us all!

As far as Online Dating I have Tried a Few so Far; Even A Site that has People who Suffer from all sorts of "Mental Issues"; from all over the World. I have not found any success Personally on any of these Sites. I think the Most Suprising is the Mental Dissorder Site. A bit Suprised & Dissapoined about that one.

It does seem an odd premise to seek out others with mental disorders. Although I suppose it does provide some screening, if people are being honest about themselves. And if this site is any indication, it does seem that a lot of people with mental issues have been "screwed Up" or "screwed over" by other people, which probably means that they are not the ones screwing over others. But it may also mean they are not ready for a relationship yet whether they know it or not.

Now I am going to be Honest on a few fronts here. I am Picky & A bit Untrusting & Jaded. Part of what I state on these sites is "Physical Attraction" is important to me. I know that may turn a Lot of Women including ones on this Site Off. Im being Honest. And I think Physical Attraction is important to Women as Well. Isnt it? Please be Honest Ladies.

It is a staring point in Relationships I believe. There has to be some sort of Physical Attraction to one another.

I think being picky, untrusting and jaded comes with the territory the older you get, no matter what gender. Even more so after a bad relationship(s). Of course, physical attraction is important, at least to yours truly - whether it develops over time, or knocks you off your feet right off the bat. However what one person finds physically attractive can be completely different for somebody else (Sorry, I'm probably stating the obvious). Also, that is different from physical attraction. My ex was physically attractive but I realize now I had been far more physically attracted to other guys (not that I cheated on him or anything). I guess it comes down to "chemistry". Then of course, love, respect and genuine caring for each other, as well as honesty, open communication and willingness to put the other's needs ahead of your own become a huge part of the attraction (or lack thereof).

But would'nt that be nice to hear for all of us that Two People met their Match & Soulmate on this Site. Successfully & Happily? I know it may be Innapropriate to Mention that here but is it not something Some of us think about from Time to Time? Or is it just me? Again Be Honest.

I recall mentioning something to that effect somewhere on this site, probably this thread, but the reality is that this is a worldwide site and that does present its "location" challenges. In terms of "appropriateness", I believe this site has some built in safeguards (as do other sites I've come across) that allow members to cut off all communication with another member if they are "bugging" them, or even if they just don't particularly like reading what that person says. I've set off a few people in the short time I've been here so I wouldn't be surprised if I've been "blocked" by somebody.

Anyway; Dating, Relationships, Anxieties & overcoming all these obsticles is very Difficult. Lonliness is such a big issue for me. And besides battling my Depression much of what I have Mentioned & Experienced is a big part of why I am on this Site to begin with. Along with Finding my Purpose in Life Again. It is Like Finding A Needle In A Haystack for me. As far as a SoulMate. All I ever wish for Myself & Anyone in Life is to find True Love, Friendship & a SoulMate.

Probably an awful lot of us here like that.

[58corvette]

Dear Athena;

Thank You for taking the time & thought to reply to my last post. Helps give me insight. And yes I agree Chemistry is so Important also. Part of the Process. Location is Definitly A Sticking Point for Many Possible Relationships.

Athena; "Oh Goddess Of Wisdom" : ) I started another Subject in the "Lounge" Section here about Places to Live & Places to see. Wont you join in? Please!!! Im interested to here your Views!!!

Sincerely; Jim

[michmomof1]

I have a story well a few about dating online. Ive attempted it several times and each time i failed due to rejection or someone losing interesting stuff like that. I have alot of issues with anxiety because of things that happened to me in life. I have a huge fear of rejection thanks to my experiences of trying to find someone online. Believe it or not i did think about doing it again recently but then i realized why put myself through that again?

Im sure there are other stories that have great turnouts. Ive read many articles online about how people met and fell in love online. So in all honesty its not so bad but its just not for me.

Just do your research and be careful who you meet talk to and trust. Try to do things offline like go to outings stuff like that. Do research about the good and the bad of dating online. Im sure youre local library has books on it. mine does Hope this helps....

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Everyone,

Dating Online is tricky and slippery at best because, despite everything you do there is a very large chance of meeting jerks. I hope all those jerks out there aren't offended by my calling them what they are: jerks.

I have known a few people, through my psychotherapy practice, who were successful but only after plowing through many, many jerks. Doing this Online dating seems to require an endless amoung of patience, anxiety and a thick skin. Frankly, if I was young or single, I doubt that I would do it.

I do not know the answer for how to date in todays world but, would this help? Let me know if I am real off base because I probably am and I don't mind being told so:

Can you meet people through work, friends, neighbors, outside activities, etc??? Again, I don't know. I have tended to find that people meet each other through their various activities. However, I don't even know how often that happens.

I understand how frustrating and hurtful this whole thing is.

Allan

Allan

[Athena]

Hi Everyone,

Can you meet people through work, friends, neighbors, outside activities, etc??? Again, I don't know. I have tended to find that people meet each other through their various activities. However, I don't even know how often that happens.

I thought my ski club would provide some opportunities. So far, no. There's an apres ski event every Saturday, but it's a very family oriented club and nobody shows up single (except yours truly and I don't think I can go through that awkwardness much longer). I suspect there's lots of single people at the club, it's just that they don't show up. I talk to people on the chairlift but they're all covered up with balaclavas and goggles so you'll probably never recognize them if you see them again anyway. Plus they're not necessarily single. Seems a bit like finding a needle in a haystack! Maybe I'll go to the kids' apres ski and see if some nice single Dads show up. More fun decorating gingerbread cookies with a bunch of kids and the odd parent or two than being totally on your own with a bunch of married adults! Anyway - thanks for giving me the idea to talk this through with myself. I think I'll go check out the kids' calendar!

If the old approach isn't working, try a new one.

[tmays]

I have not really done the dating on-line thing so won't comment on that, but I have successfully gotten over my anxiety using CBT and the TEA form exercise. It takes a lot of work at first but I now consider it a down payment on my happiness going forward:)

[Ayumu]

By thinking so much about what to say and how to say it, you are creating an expectation that can't be met. I found the best way to get over it (anxiety) was to stop these routine "imaginary interviews". Really force your brain into stopping. It will take a long time, but it will work.

Another thing that helps is if you work hard at what ever your occupation is. And make sure that you have direction in your life. This will give you the confidence you need to approach the opposite sex.

[tmays]

By thinking so much about what to say and how to say it, you are creating an expectation that can't be met. I found the best way to get over it (anxiety) was to stop these routine "imaginary interviews". Really force your brain into stopping. It will take a long time, but it will work.

This is exactly what TEA forms force you to do and go the extra step beyond stopping the routines and replacing them with more productive ones.

[Ayumu]

This is exactly what TEA forms force you to do and go the extra step beyond stopping the routines and replacing them with more productive ones.

Can you tell me more about TEA? I have been forming my own strategies, but still haven't formed anything full proof? What do you replace these thoughts with?

You know, I used to worry myself sick about things that didn't matter. I used to become physically sick. I remember once, the day after a party, I became worried about my behaviors and whether people would reject me for them. I caught a cold and was sick for 3 weeks. Went to work and everything, which is why it took so long.

Cheers

Ayumu

[tmays]

Hi Ayumu,

I just saw your reply and soorry I did not see it sooner:confused: Ilearned the TEA forms in the book Been there, Done that? DO This! by Sam Obitz (www.tao3.com). They teach you how to identify the common thinking errors that lead to anxiety. You use objective counter thoughts in the final column to correct your way of thinking. The more you use them the more they change your natural way of thinking to a less anxiety provoking way of living.

I hope this answers your question and sorry I did not see it sooner:(