Jokes

[Guest ASchwartz]

A man went on a quest to find the great philosopher who would answer his questions about the meaning of life. He learned that he would have to climb to the highest peak on Mt. Everest. He trained for it for years and used his entire fortune to accomplish his visit. Huffing and puffing, he finally reached the top, found the great philosopher and asked him the meaning of life. The philosopher looked at him, thought for a while and finally said, "He who would climb Everest to ask about the meaning of life is a fool.":D

Allan

[Symora]

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they discouraged, what do they really need? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

[danni]

someone sent this to me awhile back and it pretty accurately describes my life on some days. I still giggle when I read it

"A.A.A.D.D." - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Subject: FW: They have finally arrived at a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!! I was recently diagnosed with "A.A.A.D.D." - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye. They need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots - -

Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television, so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do? End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I WILL get help, but FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

[Luna-]

OMG! This reads like a manic episode. :eek: I'm busy ALL day and I accomplish nothing!

Sorry danni, deviation, but that is just what it's like! I'm gobsmacked. :eek: Throw in emotional intensity (eu- or dysphoric) and high energy and you have a description of my day in mania... and I always thought it was like that for everyone when they felt really good.

PS. What is this going to be like when I'm older?? :confused: Now there's a joke...

[curtailed]

A boy owned a dog that was uncommonly shaggy. Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When the boy learned that there are contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. The boy entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the boy's dog: "He's not so shaggy."

[Luna-]

This one is also in the old Humour thread, but hey, there are new people here and I love it.

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

[Luna-]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, the lineage is finally revealed and you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them!

[Luna-]

Glad you liked it, sedsed.

When I heard that joke my cheeks were sore too. I was manic at the time so I wrote a sequel to it:

AromatherapyToday, August 20, 2009

Jack Schitt accused of fathering illegitimate twins

BREAKING NEWS: Well-known bipolar disorder spokesperson, Jack Schitt, has been taken to court for maintenance of illegimate twins he sired as a teenager.

Like most children born to wealth, Schitt had rebelled against the status quo during his teenage years, before he settled down and married. It was not known at the time that he, in fact, was suffering from bipolar disorder. In news which stunned the fertiliser world, the mother, known only as Fahken claims that in his late teens, during a binge of drunken sex while under the influence of a particularly severe manic episode, Schitt had had sired the twins, whom she had named Little and Lotta.

Fahken, broke down as she told reporters “He told me if his father ever found out, he would re-name him “Deepin Schitt” and disinherit him. She claimed Schitt had promised to marry her. “He said we’d be rolling in it.” She is considering asking the court to order a paternity test to prove her case and has legally obtained Schitt’s DNA from a Dumpsite used for waste from the Schitt dynasty's households.

Speaking publically for the first since the news broke, Jack Schitt said, “She doesn’t really know Jack Schitt”. Schitt was diagnosed bipolar after his divorce from his ex-wife Noe Schitt-Sherlock. His cousin, Schitt Abrick, a psychiatrist, has been treating him privately within the family, to avoid Schitt hitting his fans.

Schitt-Sherlock said of her ex-husband, “I’m not surprised. His nickname in those days was Damn.”

In other news, the feud between two of Jack Schitt’s half brothers, regarding their respective perfume companies, continues. In a contentious TV advertisement Our Schitt claims that his new perfume, Methane, is superior to that of Your Schitt and smells like lilies. Your Schitt could not be contacted for comment but is believed to be furious that the sales of his own perfume, Gas, have dropped.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Why worry about old age? It doesn't last long!!!:D

Allan

[Luna-]

Allan,

Problem is, it CAN last long and that is what worries me - my grandmother was 94 when she died. I don't want to be old for that long.

[malign]

So, stay young for that long! :-)

[Guest ASchwartz]

This is a true story from this morning:

I was out walking my do, a big yellow lab named Mr. Blue. We approached a young woman with an old dog, a mixed breed of some kind. She said its better if the two dogs do not meet because her dog is "Old and Crochety." I said, "That's OK, so am I." We both had a good laugh.

Old and Corchity Allan:D:D:D

[Luna-]

Wittily said!

[Endlessnight]

Luna, your Schitt family saga had me laughing so much! You have a knack for writing and a fertile (excuse the pun) imagination!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Oooops, I'm not "Corchitty," I'm Crotchity." Well, I guess at my age its hard to remember how to spell. :D:D

[Guest ASchwartz]

Two old men, (old codgers) are sitting on a park bench when one turns to the other and says,

"My wife asked me what I was doing today?"

I told her, "I'm doing nothing!"

She said, "you did that yesterday."

I told her, "well I'm not done yet!!!!!"

Allan:D

[Sweetsara]

A friend just called and told me this.

What is the difference between a toilet and a waiter(ess)?

The toilet only has to take care of one a$$ at a time:D

It just cracked me up.

[Guest ASchwartz]

A woman left her puppy in her car, left a window open, got out of the car, walked a few feet, turned to the car and told the puppy, "Stay, stay..."

A woman nearby saw this and said to the woman, "Why don't you just put the car in park!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Allan

[Guest ASchwartz]

A High School Chemistry teacher gave his class a quizz. Question one was: "What is a Nitrate?

One student answered: "Better than a day rate!!!"

[malign]

"What's an Oxide?"

The thing that makes an ox waterproof!

[Guest ASchwartz]

I don't know? Anyway, why would an ox want to hide????

[malign]

I'd be more concerned about what an ox would want to hide ...

I suspect they're plotting against us. :-)

[danni]

I like the OX... I just wanted to pet him

[malign]

Did you scare Allan's ox, danni? ;-)

Or did you start a game of hide-and-seek with him, and then walk away? You do know that oxen rarely learn to count all the way to one hundred, don't you?

[danni]

OH...I scared him. I'm very very scary!! I've been trying to tell my employees that but they just laugh. They were laughing AND rolling their eyes when I was trying to convince them I'm tough as nails. I guess I should just accept that I'm a soft touch and not all that intimidating. It's not such a bad way to be anyway.