tobeistohope Posted July 21, 2010 Report Share Posted July 21, 2010 :mad:Sometimes I wish I could just walk away from myself and my life! I just ate half of a stuffed crust pizza, ice cream and pizza rolls, and can u believe it, my stomach hurts! (sarcasm) I hate myself soooooo much, how can I live with me any longer? I don't have the courage to commit suicide. I really wish someone would just beat me up because I feel that it just what I deserve. The only thing that feels good to me is to eat, that is the way it is and that is the way it has always been! I eat constantly and I eat until I am sick! I had a dream not too long ago where I could see myself lying in the ditch and I was walking away from her with a look of disgust on my face. Oh, how I wish I could do that! I'm so sick of liming with me! I feel so much like cutting myself right now. I want to be mean to myself! Urgh! How is this sick problem ever going to end?:mad::confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calla Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Hey there. There can be an end to your problem you just have to find your way there.What about the you who walks away in the dream? Is she ok? I often feel I am made up of 2 people. And so it doesn't mean you are abandoning you completely. Maybe it's a signal to leave certain patterns and behaviours behind? I know it;s not easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted July 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Yes the one who walks away is ok. But, I don't think I am going to be the one to walk away. I think I've actually been in the ditch all of my life and this eating problem is never going away. It is the only thing that feels good when I do it. Problem is it also makes me feel so bad.:mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Hi, Tobe,I'm sorry I didn't notice this thread yesterday... And I'm sorry you feel so bad again... I hate myself soooooo much, how can I live with me any longer? I see; you hate one part of you, or, more precisely, you hate some of your habits and feelings. It's very hard to live with our bad habits and hurting feelings, but it's possible to get rid of them; slowly, painfuly, but definitely. Now you have a long lag period in your therapy and so you feel worse, but... your therapy will continue and you'll surely succeed. You deserve it .The only thing that feels good to me is to eat,The problem is: You don't have other things to make you feel good, so you eat too much, as we all need to feel good "sometimes". As far as you'll succeed to find or learn new things to enjoy and make you feel good, you won't be so dependent on eating! There is a way to go. You really don't need to overeat all your life! I know that now the moment isn't yet here, now you don't see anything "better" (and available at the same time) than eating. It's logical, but it's not unalterable.Me, I have a problem with chocolate and some other sweets. When I feel bad, I eat it too much. But... I have to admit that even when I started to feel much much better thanks to my therapy, I still have often eaten chocolate. And when I complained about it to my therapist, his reaction was so surprising! He started to explain to me that chocolate is something special for me that can make me feel good, so why I want not to eat it (not overeat, but...), why couldn't I indulge myself in this pleasant feeling; only because I feel good and want to be good to myself by eating something so good? I know; it's not the same as your overeating, but... I think there is still something insightful for you, too: Enjoy your meal, enjoy it more intensively without the feeling of guilt, because it's good to feel good and then, maybe, less meal would be enought, as you'll be able to get more intensive joy from the less. Could you try to make a "list" of how much and what can you eat per day, and then enjoy every piece of the meal, but don't eat more and enjoy the fact that you're so strong and can be obedient? I know, it's much easier to say than to do... But... won't you give it a try? I suppose there are also some advises about overeating in the CBT section here or on other sites. (They should be better than this laik advise of mine!)I feel so much like cutting myself right now. I want to be mean to myself!This is a wish of one part of you that hate the other one. But... I know (as I also used to have the same wishes, believe me! ) it's hard, but... please, please, make this important decision: You will be good to yourself as a whole. You will do things that you enjoy. You don't know what now, but you have to try different activities and find some good for you. Have a walk in a park and enjoy the nature, don't think about people. Read a good book. Cook a good meal and enjoy eating it without any guilt. See a movie. Have an exercice. Anything! You probably will not be able to enjoy it from the 1st moments or from the 1st attempts. But you can develop some new habits (like having a walk, reading, doing exercice, ... and other as well) and slowly you'll become able to enjoy them. And you'll have more things that will make you feel good than only the eating (which you "should" still enjoy!). You'll lead a healthier life. Try it for some weeks, even if you'll not be able to enjoy it immediately - it would be better than the present. I thing the 1st step is to begin to believe you deserve it.I hope this wasn't too long and too repetitive ;-)... But first of all; I hope you'll find here some advises you'll follow... I wish you good luck and much love for yourself!L. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted July 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Thank you Lala.I have to go to work in a few minutes, so this will be short. I know your advice is good and I will try. I had a terrible nightmare last night where I was in a big house with my mom and stepfather. She went to bed and called me to take my bath. As I was sitting in the bathtub I noticed a big bed with an old couple in it. Then I was cleaning the bathtub and the old man asked me if I had found any money in it and when I said no, even though I had, he locked the door and with a terrble look on his face was chasing me. I woke up to my kids standing over me saying that I was screaming and wouldn't wake up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 Hi Tobe,Have you been experiencing any guilt feelings these recent days?Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted July 22, 2010 Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 For now, only a short comment: I had a nightmare this night, too (I woke up at 2:20 but didn't scream - I never do (Why? :confused:))! But it's too hard to describe for me. There was a big fear and I woke up still feeling it, so I had to tell the dream to my husband to feel better. I hope your children being around you when waking up were an alleviation for you...I'm going to write something in your 2nd thread and I'm looking forward to your posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted July 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2010 ASchwartz: Not any more than usual. I always have guilt over things that have happened in my life, and we did talk about some if it in therapy a few weeks ago. Do you think that is what the dream was about? I was feeling very angry at myself last night when I went to bed for eating so much yesterday. I don't know if this has anything to do with the dream or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted July 23, 2010 Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 Hi Tobe,Yes, my guess is guilt feelings and thoughts are in the dream along with punishment. Yes, it could have to do with over eating. Most likely, it has to do with many things you struggle with having to do with guilt. By no means does this cover the whole dream.Allan:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted July 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2010 Makes sense, ASchwartz. Do you see anything else in this dream?Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted July 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 I'm having a real bad day again. Just started a few hours ago. I made some boxed lasagna stuff for lunch for me and my 2 kids and my son's friend that is over. I figured exactly four servings and I can't overeat. The boys did'nt like it and I found myself in the kitchen eating theirs too! I just couldn't stand not to eat it! I want so bad to punish myslef! I don't know how. :mad: :confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SomethingOrOther Posted July 25, 2010 Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 Hi Tobe.I hope you are feeling better. I just wanted to say that I don’t know much about eating problems, but I think you planned that lunch very well. It only went wrong, because of something you couldn’t have foreseen and that made it too difficult today. I wondered if you were also disappointed that the boys didn’t like lunch? I understand that you are upset now, but I don’t think you should punish yourself for eating that lasagna. Maybe you could try to develop a plan for the next time a situation like this comes up instead? I don’t mean like „just don’t eat it next time“, but maybe something like putting the left-over food out of sight immediately or throwing it away, having all you want to eat on your plate at once before every meal, something like that. Do you think there are small steps like that, which could be practiced, that would make it easier for you to handle those situations? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted July 25, 2010 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2010 I suppose I could try that. Maybe I can tell the kids that if they don't eat what's on their plate to throw it away or wrap it and put it in the fridge for later without me seeing it. It's just that somehow I fail every day. I hate it. It just sends me into a depression. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted August 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 WHY CAN'T I STOP EATING????? I'm not talking about 2nd or 3rds, I am talking about three quarters of a full crock pot full of beef stew, two peanut butter sandwhiches, and 2 glasses of milk. I think I ate about 7 full bowls of the stew, and it felt so good! And I want more! My stomach hurts but I still want to eat more good food! Maybe I just want to die! :mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tobeistohope Posted August 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Maybe I should just keep eating until I throw up. Maybe I'll feel better then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted August 1, 2010 Report Share Posted August 1, 2010 Oh, Amy, I'm sorry I didn't notice this sooner... You already know why you eat so much. Because it feels good and you need to feel good, but can't find any other way to reach it.So, please, try to be rationnal: You can make a plan what you'll cook. Just cook too little to overeat. Yes, then you could eat something else, not cooked, but... this still could be a good step for the beginning. Plan what you will buy. Don't buy too much food. And maybe try to buy only what's good for health. Many fruits and vegetables. When you're in a market, you don't feel such a need to eat, I suppose, so you can control it much more than at home, when you have a full fridge and you see the food, so you want to eat it.And, what's important to the same extend: Try to force yorself to other activities that could bring you pleasure, instead of eating. Don't exchange eating for non-eating, but eating for something pleasant.You can do it, just believe yourself... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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