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I wrote this poem and felt like sharing it. Lala, I got the idea for the poem from your signature that talks about the "mediator".

THE MEDIATOR

The mediator of my mind eavesdrops carefully.

Piercing pupils invade my being.

Naked secrets, unveiled fears.

Jailed wrath like hovering hail.

Oozing frustration, nausiating despair.

Beautiful blood, small and scarlet, trickling.

Uncried tears scream confusion.

Dangerous drugs, empty bottles.

The voice beckons me sleep, sleep, sleep,

Sleep and escape the mad melancholy.

Deafening dreams of deliverance.

Locked doors, metal and flesh.

My heart pumps wildly, bending the bars that bind it.

The mediaator claws through me slowly and painfully.

Days to weeks to months to years he heals the scars.

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Amy, that's wonderful; you should write poems more often! I hope it gave you the beautiful feeling of alleviation, "release" as poems often give to their authors.

I used to write a lot of "poetry" and other short texts, mostly in my teenage. It was very important to me. But then, slowly I became unable to express myself this way. I don't know why - I always get the feeling that I've already expressed everything I have been able to express (this way). But before starting my therapy, I wrote two poems about my despair, trying to describe "my world". (My poor :) therapist has read many of my poems, by the way ...) Now I only write letters... It's different.

I feel also complimented with giving you the inspiration for this poem :)

L.

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I wrote another one a couple of months ago, I will post it when I get time. Today my kids and I are deep cleaning the house.

I'm looking forward to this 2nd poem! And that's great that you are cleanig the house - it will surely bring you a good feeling of satisfaction!

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Yes, a clean house is a good feeling, even though I am very tired! Tomorrow I see my therapist. I have been feeling very weepy the last couple of days, but not actually crying. I finally feel like I am ready to cry at therapy, but don't know if I will be able to once I get there. I hope I can. I think it will be very cleansing and healing. :)

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After my therapy session yesterday I came home fed the kids and went for a drive with my laptop. I wrote an email and told my therapist that I think what is bothrering me so much and causing me so much anxiety is the fact that I am so distraught that he will give up on me, kind of like everyone else seems to have. I told him that this was too hard for me to say out loud and that was the reason I was emailing him about it. I also told him that I was so close to crying when I was there, but I just could not let it happen, and that I was not honest with him when I said that even if I had wanted to, the tears just wouldn't come. The truth is that I would not let them come in front of him because it felt like I was letting a part of me out for him to see and I felt that it was ugly, just like everything about me.

He called me today and told me that he was glad I emailed him, although, he hopes that one day I will be able to let these kinds of things out when I am there. He said that he felt that me letting these things out, even in an email was a very positive thing, kind of a breakthrough. I also had told him that when I am there, I feel as though he can see inside of me completely and that it is very painful and uncomfortable. He said he understands those feelings and that they are ok. So, maybe that terrible session did really produce something useful.

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Hi, Amy!

I agree with Allan! :)

Very often, important issues in therapy are somehow painful. But it's ok. It has to be like that. I hope your tears will come one day and you'll feel good (-not only bad because "he is watching you") about being able to cry there and... then, another day, you'll cry even without the unpleasant feeling :D.

Good luck!

L.

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Yes, I'm glad I emailed him the things I did. Now when I go there it won't be as hard to talk about these things because he already knows. I still find that much of the day I find myself thinking about him and I wish I didn't because it makes life hare, being that I am in my fantasy world too much, which prevents me from really living in the real world, where i should be.

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This is very true, TBONTB, but try thinking of this as a way of learning about yourself rather than placing negative judgments on your behaviors. The behavior is informative and means something about you. So perhaps now you may learn why you are wanting to escape and this is something to look at in your life so that you can then help yourself to live in the present. The neat thing about the therapy relationship is that you aren't exploring things in a hypothetical manner, but rather are actually living through them right inside of the actual experiences. It has its painful moments for sure, but there is much to be gained as well. I'm so happy to hear that your therapist has been supportive in this.

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IrmaJean: I think I am finally beginning to understand how I am living things out within the therapy relationship. It is beginning to come together for me. The feelings I develop for the therapist are feelings from things that have happened in the past and I can get past them as I use the therapy relationship along with those feelings. I think!

Moon: Thanks very much for the compliment on my poem! :)

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