being a wallflower

[shye1]

Are there any others in here who consider themselves wall flowers? I consider myself one. I'm reading 'The perks of being a wall flower' at the moment but in my own life, I don't see the perks to it. In actuality, it causes me a great deal of sadness and loneliness. I've never had a real boyfriend and lately I've been wishing I could have one. But I don't know where to begin. I get a lot of unwanted attention. When I go out I feel like I'm constantly scanning the room for someone but I never find who I'm looking for. If I ever found someone I wanted to know more about, I'm afraid my social awkwardness would interfere and I could scare them away. How do you have a relationship as a wall flower?

[Symora]

Hi Shye,

In my opinion, you work on your self confidence. When we doubt ourselves, don't believe we deserve relationships or think we will not do well when in them, we have a tendency to shy away from people and they can feel it. As we build confidence in ourselves, begin to believe this can happen to us too, really believe it because we know that we have something to offer others .. we have what we know, who we are, and then people feel that too.

In my experience the best way to build self-confidence is to try doing things. I was very shy, withdrawn, very self-conscious until I was about 30 and I felt it was holding me back from really exploring my capacities, so I took a public speaking class. I did not realize just how hard that would be , but I got through it, and then I completed a university program in group facilitation because it just sounded interesting and I had always aspired to go to university but never had... Anyway, after the many years it too me to get through the program in night school, I was a changed person. I am no longer shy, I can speak in front of crowds, I can approach people without fear, men and women. I still have some confidence issues, but I am no longer as invisible as I used to be...

Does any of that resonate for you?

[shye1]

Yes and thank you it does make sense to me. I do try things, infact I love doing things that challenge me and my self confidence, especially having social anxiety.

It's just when I see a lot of other people who have self esteem or self confidence issues still manage relationships, I don't understand why it doesn't work for me. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. Like there's more to it than just my self confidence. Because I have that more than ever before. Maybe I just need to wait. But sometimes I feel so lonely and sad. And while my friends are lovely and (I think) non judgmental, I can't help but feel like a freak and that they're thinking I must be so weird. Because I really do think its different to not have a partner. For some people its a life style choice and its how they want to be. I know its my choice in the end, but its a choice due to my own issues, not because its how I want things to be. And for that I feel strange. I'm sorry for rambling, I think I just need to vent. I'm wondering when it will be my turn. I hate that I am this way.

[Symora]

Hi Shye, I've wondered about those types of things too. Have you perhaps tried online dating, perhaps as a means of opening up and getting to know men?

[shye1]

I understand why people do online dating and if it works for them thats great. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I'm not really open to it personally. Have you tried it Symora? I'm wondering what your experiences might have been.

Sedsed, I hear what you're saying. I think i get caught up in all the dating games. Like not coming across overly eager. Which makes eye contact hard sometimes. I practice making eye contact with people as I'm walking on the street though, instead of just looking to the ground. Can I ask what you did to get through your fears? Luckily I'm at a place where I really do want to get close to someone. All my friends are dating now and it's been a good influence on me. To see someone love them for them entirely, quirks and all, makes me want that too. Plus life would seem so much more exciting to me right now if I had a crush. It's no fun always feeling like the 3rd wheel.

[Symora]

:( That's so funny that you would ask me about online dating.... I'm too old for that now I feel, but I know lots of people who met online - I hear it is the new way to do things. Now I'm just interested in meeting new people and making friends, their gendre is not that important to me anymore, and I have met people online that I consider my friends now and I do have some male friends. That works for me at this point in my life...

I know that part of my shyness had to do with thinking deep down that if people got to know me they would not like me. It was based on my past family programming. Have you always been shy ...

[shye1]

Thanks Sedsed, I will keep pushing myself to go in situations I would otherwise avoid. I'm going to start school in november, for music, so that should be a good place to meet like minded people, at the same time pushing me through my fears.

Yes Symora I have always been shy. I think its part of my temperament but also, like you, my anxiety has to do with thinking people would reject me if they got too close. Also like you, I believe this has to do with my upbringing. But I believe I was born an introvert and a thinker. I have accepted this part of myself, but because of the anxiety, sometimes it gets hard and I wish I was the opposite.

[Symora]

Me too ... the thinker... My family used to tell me <why to do you think so much>, as if it was an option It's good that you accept the way you are made, I think it is one of the great challenges of life. To accept we are a certain way, althought there are some aspects we can change of course, but there is always that underlying temperament that makes us us. Personally I would have liked to be more girly, perhaps I would have had more success with men. I am very independent, a bit of hippy type so not very good with makeup and high heels, and as the oldest of 4 girls I was always my dad's helper as he built his way around the house. So I'm also quite handy with tools and other things that are traditionally considered male territory. Men are intimidated by that believe it or not

I think finding like minded people is probably the key to feeling comfortable. That can take time as one meanders through life, but if you search out the things that please you and do activities around that, it makes life pleasant anyway and meeting people become part of the deal. I particularly like volunteering for that.

[Symora]

That's what I think too, but I have noticed that it can make some egos rather touchy I guess you're Mom's case is the perfect example of it being a matter of finding the people who suit us ...

[shye1]

It's kind of confusing because on one hand I accept the way I am, but on the other hand I feel disappointed about it. I don't think I can really change my innate nature and it's a let down. While I'm grateful for my life, these thoughts in the back of my mind make it hard to really love myself. This affects my relationships as well because if I don't think I'm that great, how will anyone else think I'm worth pursuing? Sometimes I feel I'd give anything to walk in someone else's shoes, if only for a day, to see what it would be like. I guess the grass always seems greener on the other side.

[malign]

... but you still have to mow it. At least, that's the way I've heard that saying. :-)

Maybe the things you're trying to change aren't part of your innate nature? Or, it could be that you'll find that it's a waste of time to be disappointed in what is ...

To put it another way: How "great" does a person have to be, to be worth pursuing? Maybe every person has some touch of greatness, just waiting for someone else to see it and appreciate it.

[shye1]

Its really good to hear that you were in the same position sedsed and that you've found someone anyway. Gives me some hope. How did it all go down between you two, did he pursue you? Was it rocky at the beginning? And do u think the thoughts are behind you now?

Hi Malign. I do think my shyness and introverted nature is my natural temperament because its how Ive always been. And I see it my parents somewhat. Sure I have my extrovert moments but sometimes when Im sitting with someone, I'll just wish I had more to say. Honestly, sometimes Ill have nothing to say. And then Ill feel uncomfortable, or Ill sense theyre uncomfortable and Ill want to kick myself. Or if I go out at night with friends, sometimes Ill really want to stay out longer but I dont feel I have the mental energy to deal with the people and loud music or drinking anymore. Ill just be sitting there, again with nothing to say. So Ill have to go home even though I genuinely dont want to. I feel like a social failure. I wish I didnt have these self deprecating thoughts, you know? Like, I am what I am, cant change it, but at least I could be happy about it and say f*ck being considered 'normal'. But then Im really not 'crazy' either. I almost wish I was a little bit, to keep things interesting. Everything just feels so monotone at times. I get so bored. I worry if I let someone into my life, they'll feel this exact same way about me. They'll see that I really am nothing that interesting.

[IrmaJean]

I've been shy in the past and am also an introvert. I think I've mostly worked through the shyness, though I am still introverted. I can relate to feeling stressed out by loud noises and a lot of external stimulation. Sometimes I need quiet to recharge my batteries too.

Balance can be a good thing as well. I find my friends tend to be more on the extroverted side, so they can help carry the conversations at times. I think we can get caught up sometimes in trying too hard instead of simply "being". Maybe try starting up conversations about things you are knowledgeable about?

I spent most of my life thinking others didn't like me when in reality they really saw me as unapproachable. So I changed my presentation by smiling a lot and forcing myself to make eye contact. Others responded more positively to me. This is turn caused me to feel more at ease. I began feeling more confident little by little. I'm still working on this, but have come a long way. Small steps will get you moving in the right direction.

What interests do you have, Shye? Hobbies? These might be good areas to start up conversations with.