mixed up mess

[SweetSue]

it hurts...............

[Guest GingerSnap]

Oh, Sue: Seems like you were taught not to show emotion or something. That is not wrong. You know a lot of people now days don't show emotion because there is something wrong with them - it's not you, it is them. After what you have been through, you have every right to ask "WHY ME?" But, I don't think you will ever find any answer except that life is unfair, more unfair to some than others. Emotions make you real. You have a lot to give, that is why you are still here and deserve to be here. So, what is this thing that you are ashamed of? Can that be talked out? Want to try? You know that several people here would do anything to make things better for you. As always, encouraging you to let it out and stop it from eroding both your physical and mental health. Talk it out Sue and stop spinning in circles. I know that you are at loose ends and I know that you keep ending up like that because you just try to put it all on the back burner and ignore it and it just keeps jumping right back in your face again. Maybe I could hold you up by your feet and shake it loose?:confused: You are a good person, Sue and as I said before, therefore, people will still love you even on those days when you are maybe a little less lovable so, it's up to you. Now, see, I wasn't going to log in today because I have to go pick tomatoes again (thank you God for blessing me with pounds and pounds of tomatoes) and now, I am running behind because I could saw Sweet Sue and logged in - oh, geesh Sue, don't be sorry - I knew you would be sorry, see I know you! It's just that, we all want to be there for you and you should not be sorry but joyful for that. So..............

[SweetSue]

Im ashamed,

Ashamed

[Guest GingerSnap]

Sue: I know deep down that you know that what you did, in reaching out for help for yourself, was the right thing to do and, you know, that I think you have suffered a great injustice - poo, poo on the UK for their policies regarding child welfare in this case. So, you imprinted your lovely self on these kids, genetics plus early childhood, very early is who someone is at their core. So, the kids have a good core. Put yourself in their place. They knew mommy was ill and needed to get some help and they knew mommy loved them and wanted to be with them more than anything in the world so how do you think they view that? Even a baby knows whether the mother loves it or not, trust me. You are in the heart of these kids and you know it and I know that is why you don't give up, don't give in to hopelessness - they won't either. You never take away a child's birth parent(s), never, not in their heart. I know that you mentioned an adoption forum and have you found any sort of help there as surely this has happened to others. I know I pulled up a website & saved it concerning adoption in the UK but haven't looked through it. I feel you need the support of others that this has happened too. Sue, you have nothing to be ashamed of here. As I said, this would not have happened in the US. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You are only guilty of a lose when you don't try to defend yourself and you did. We watched you. Try to find others, like yourself, that this has happened to and see how they are coping. Now, you never know when one of the kids would catch a glimpse of mommy in the public, what if they saw a sad face, what if they saw your sad face right now:(? Wouldn't they feel guilty too? You don't want that. They would want you to work toward having a good life. You are always in their heart and thoughts, always - let that warm you and feel entitled to smile. Find others like yourself because I can try to support you and can guess the pain but I don't know how I would go on and my thoughts is all I have to offer. Anyway, it's going to 101 degrees today so I need to hurry and get things done before I become more than half-baked, fully toasted!

[SweetSue]

Its a sad, crazy world.

[malign]

Maybe if you stop now and disappear in shame, then it might have beaten you.

But that doesn't sound like the Sue I know.

[SweetSue]

sorry.................

[malign]

I think voicing it, and then flushing it, is an excellent way to handle shit. :-)

I hope you know we stand with you in your fight, Sue.

[SweetSue]

sorry having a bummer day today..........

[malign]

Yah well, you're entitled ... :-)

Besides, I'm sure the internet won't back up on just one person's stuff.

It's full of it already.

Sometimes it's better to break stuff up into smaller pieces, and flush them individually. ;-)

Feel like telling us about it?

[SweetSue]

I've just found my self distruct button,

[malign]

Well, we both know that much of life consists of resisting the temptation of big red buttons.

When I'm not sure whether I'm making a mistake, the first thing I check is whether one of the options is irreversible. If it is, I tend to put off the decision a little longer. The thing about suicide (or other self-destructive behavior) is, you can always do it tomorrow. Finally, something where procrastination is a virtue! :-)

[SweetSue]

thanks,

sorry

[malign]

Nope, baffling you does me no good at all.

So, I'm going to use your words, as much as possible:

Think I've just found my self distruct button, and the temptation is there to push it.

So, one of your choices involves self-destruction.

So at the moment Im kinda stuck in limbo. coz I havnt the strength to say 'blow it' and I havnt the strength to fight it either. ... dont like getting things wrong ...

So you have a choice, it's difficult, and you realize that one choice is particularly harmful to you.

And my advice was to put off the harmful one until you're sure.

When in doubt, do the least harm.

[SweetSue]

thanks..........

[malign]

Sue, I believe you.

All I've got to go on is you saying you've found your self-destruct button, and that sounds scary, to me. Would you do me a favor, and tell us what you mean?

[SweetSue]

my self destruct button. is a part of me.....

[malign]

No, it doesn't sound like gibberish, Sue. It sounds like suffering.

Let me ask you this: do you think that shutting some things away really works, or does it always break out again? I mean, if it really works, it sounds like it could be a solution. But if it comes back worse, sometimes, maybe it needs a different solution.

And I don't know the answers, just the questions.

[SweetSue]

I dont know, just want to go AWAY !!!!

[malign]

Well, then, at least slow down long enough for us all to hug you.

The past never goes away, but it can gradually become a lot less important.

[SweetSue]

im pathetic, and too damn ignorant to just 'STOP'

[malign]

Can you give yourself something else to engage your mind?

Try to solve a complex problem, or create something intricate, or just take the day off and go outside and play?

[SweetSue]

............................

[malign]

You are pretty complex. :-)

But I thought chocolate would solve anything, so maybe it's simpler than you think.

How about just making a pact with yourself: one piece of chocolate tonight, and there won't be any grief until morning. You can make a new decision then, if you need to.

[SweetSue]

thanks for caring