Abuse

[Endlessnight]

The abuse my brother inflicted on me and his children is now only verbal, but in the past it was both verbal and physical.

What hurt me more than him abusing me was him abusing his children, verbally and physically. it was especially hurtful when he would punish my eldest niece, (who is grown up now), for spending too much time with me. I dont remember how old she was exactly, but not older than five or six. One incident I particulary remember is when she was in my room with me (our room actually since she slept with me) and it seems he had called for her and we didn't hear him. He came storming to us and grabbed my niece by her arm and screamed at her for not coming to him right away. Then he dragged her out of the room, she fell but he continued dragging her all the way to the living room, she had scrapes all over her face and legs. Just remembering it hurts so much. Knowing that because she loved spending time with me, he would punish her and make me feel guilty for what he did to her. He knew exactly what would hurt me the most and how to get to me.

What he did made me feel responsible, even though I know I wasn't. It got so I was afraid to keep her in my room for too long even though she loved being with me. I would read her stories, colour with her, play games. I loved her so much, she was my life after my father died. He twisted my love for her and made it hurt so much I can't put it into words. He broke me down. Broke my spirit, my love, everything, until I felt there was, and isn't anything left of me that is worthwhile.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Endless,

Your brother sounds like a "real nice guy??????" I wonder, was your father like this, too, when you were kids?

Oh, yes, this is abuse, absolutely!!

Allan:(

[Endlessnight]

Allan, my father never laid a finger on me or my brother, and he would even get upset at my mother if she slapped us for something we did when we were children. He wasn't verbally abusive either. I dont really know why my brother hates me, I only know he does.

[IrmaJean]

The love you offered to your niece was always given by yourself with the purest of intentions, Endless. That gift of love is yours. Perhaps your brother's resentment of you is in his own lack of ability to express such love. Maybe try to lessen the power of his cruel actions and give more power to your own gifts, EN. Your niece must have gained much from the time you spent with her and the love you offered to her during this difficult time with her father. Your kindness and love remains with you, untainted by his anger and resentment, because it is yours to give.

I'm sorry this happened to you and your niece, Endless. I hope that expressing your feelings here will be helpful to you.

[Endlessnight]

Hello IrmaJean. Thank you for your kind and gentle words, for listening and understanding.

I know I gave my love unconditionally, but even the memory of it is so painful because of the way he twisted it. My niece was only a couple of months old when I first saw bruises on her face. He hit her because she cried at night. When I saw them I went crazy. I had a big fight, the first of many, with him and my sister in law. He didn't stop though. Once he burnt her arm with a hot light bulb. To think of these things is not easy, believe me, they still hurt so much. He did the same with his next two children. I have never understood anyone that could hurt a child. Thankfully, as they grew up, the physical abuse stopped, though he is still verbally abusive and thinks God gave him his children to be his servants. Actually he thinks the whole world owes him and so he treats everyone in that way.

The way he continuously beat me down until I had no spirit, or will or anything left that was me. I was afraid to even draw breath. I stopped trying to talk to him, trying to get him to see sense over what he was doing to me, to his kids. That's why we haven't spoken in years. It's safer that way I guess.

I don't know if writing about things helps much or not. On the one hand it is kind of a relief to get things out, but on the other I sometimes think it's a waste of time.

I do appreciate the kindness and concern of everyone on here, thank you all.

[Luna-]

On the one hand it is kind of a relief to get things out, but on the other I sometimes think it's a waste of time.

... but is it really a waste of time, if it gives you some relief and if it means we are listening and feeling honoured that you trust us with this? *head cocked to one side*

You have every right to feel the pain of this and be distraught by it, it IS abuse and you have given your niece the most precious gift - an ally in the world, someone who is on her side. That is food for a soul, that always remains, whatever else she may remember from childhood - "my aunt loved me; therefore I am lovable". You have done a sacred thing for her and that says a lot about you ...

And I'll bet I speak for more than just myself, when I say we're on your side; your allies against the abuse you have had to, and have to, put up with. Darnit, online has its limitations. I'd reach across and put my hand on your shoulder now, if that would be OK with you.

[Endlessnight]

And I'll bet I speak for more than just myself, when I say we're on your side; your allies against the abuse you have had to, and have to, put up with. Darnit, online has its limitations. I'd reach across and put my hand on your shoulder now, if that would be OK with you.

Thank you Luna, and I wish you could put your hand on my shoulder, sometimes I feel so alone, I just want to be held and feel safe.

I guess writing here isn't a waste of time since I have met people like you and all the others that are quick to offer help and support to those they feel are in need of it. Thank you all guys.

[LaLa]

Dear Endless,

(I was on holidays, that's why I didn't post here for almost 2 weeks.)

I'd like to write you something similarly comforting as IJ and Luna. But it seems to me they said it all, as usualy. So I can only add: I agree, I feel the same.

Today, I've also seen your blog about your niece's marriage ... Now I see even better how hard it has to be for you that she'll leave the house . But there is at least one very positive aspect: She'll be finally save from her father! I hope you'll meet/visit her often and your relationship remains strong...

Wish you well!

*hugs*

L.

[Endlessnight]

Hello LaLa. Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed your holiday.

I was being selfish when I wrote what I did about my niece getting married and moving away. I know it's a good thing for her.

Thank you for your kind words LaLa. (((( hugs))))

[Luna-]

Ehrrrmmmm, EN, there is nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself and anticipating the loss of something that has been meaningful for you. Of course you will miss her as much as you wish her well. That isn't selfish. That is considering how you will feel and paying attention to you too. You're allowed to want and need too. It's called self-care, my dear and you're on the road ... grant yourself this?

[Endlessnight]

Self-care? What is that? :confused:

I'm still trying to learn how to do that Luna. I have a long way to go before I get to where I can acknowledge that what I feel is valid, but I am, as you said, on the road.

[Endlessnight]

Luna, i've been thinking over what you said:

You have every right to feel the pain of this and be distraught by it, it IS abuse

I tried to speak to a couple of relatives about what was happening, but they didn't seem to get it. Their reaction made me feel that I was getting upset over nothing really. I never felt that I had the right to feel the way I did.

Now I have to make myself understand that, not only are my feelings valid, but that my supressing them has only made it worse.

[LaLa]

(((( hugs))))

Thank you ...

My holidays were fine, thanks

Luna: That isn't selfish.

I wanted to write you the same!

they didn't seem to get it. Their reaction made me feel that I was getting upset over nothing really.

Unfortunately, there are people for which abuse is not something "bad", they can't see the behaviour you described as "abusive" and hurtfull, as they are, probably, habituated to this kind of attitude toward children and other relatives. But I hope you can see that you don't have to "adjust" your opinion to their and think that they are right and you are "somehow strange" as you're the only one in the family with your opinion. We all here support you and show you how we percieve your situation and the abuse that happended and still happens in you family. We are all so different, with so different lifes and experiences, but we all agree that what happened to you and your nieces is awful and that your feelings are valid. We all see you as a lovable person giving love and friendship to those who need it (as your niece, but also your friends here). We all encourage you in your way toward self-acceptance and self-care. I hope so much that you feel it strongly, more strongly than the influence of your family, and it will really help you...

L.

[Endlessnight]

..........

[Endlessnight]

LaLa, i've been feeling really down lately which is why I haven't said thank you before now. So....thank you.

[Guest nejiwhopper]

...........

[Endlessnight]

Two or three times I have written posts on here only to delete them shortly after. It's not that I don't feel this is a safe place to post, but that I feel maybe I dont need to go there. The memories I have inside me have been with me so long that I dont know if saying them out loud will make a difference. I mean, if i've lived with them all these years I must be okay, right? Why do I only seem to have memories of bad things? I try to remember nice things about my childhood, my teenage years, my 'mature' years but I can't seem to remember ever really being happy. I seem to have a selective memory, one that chooses to remember only the bad things so that I am beginning to doubt that there were ever good ones. But there must have been? How do I learn to forgive my father, my mother and my brother? And should I? Should I try and forget how much they have hurt me? If not, then what?

[Endlessnight]

Marhaba Neji, i'm sorry I never replied to your post on here, at the time I felt unable to.

I wanted to say that i'm glad your nieces had you to stand up for them and look out for them. You can feel proud of what you did Neji.

What you did was very brave and must have been very hard considering it was your sister involved. Is your niece still living with you? Can you tell me what happened? I hope everything worked out okay for her and you. (((((hugs)))))