My problems are trapped in my head, I can't write them down.

[harp]

Whenever I want to write down why I'm feeling a certain way (suicidal, like abusing drugs, etc) it's hard to describe, but I just can't do it. I've been used to my own inner landscape and the physical world and other people being separated to protect myself for so long, and I'm not sure why. When I was younger I could write down my problems and how I was feeling for other people to see just fine, so why can't I now? What I've been through in the past is hard enough to think about, but to discuss with other people, too? I can't imagine that. How do I get around this?

[Lindamomof7]

Hi harp, sometimes for me when I feel that way I just chalk it up to timing and not fight it what I cant do at the moment. Sometimes thta is days or weeks but that is how it is for me. And sometimes my physical body wants to move around but my head cant and then also sometimes my head is alive and active and i cant move a muscle.

Havent figured it all out but I'm assuming its some sort of a mixed mood with the depression fighting the hypomania...

I used to get so mad but now I guess its a way of life...

Hope this helps ??

[harp]

Hope this helps ??

Not really, I think you don't understand what I'm trying to say.

[Lindamomof7]

ok no problem can you explain further??

[harp]

Not really, I don't really know what else to say.

[Lindamomof7]

ok I'm guessing here but maybe I really dont understand, not knowing your background and having brain fog myself or, I didnt fully elaborate about my point, I too understand that blocked feeling that my brain does to me.

You said you used to be able to write but you cant now, Sometimes I cant read, concentrate and say or write anything. Im not sure what causes that. Maybe the cycles, maybe my PTSD

And I dont know how to fix it except not fight it because if I do it will make me more anxious and wait till my brain decides to function and hopefully in the mean time I am not put in a situation to feel uncomfortable about not being able to talk, communicate or being to anxious about it.

I think this is maybe a common problem? and others might have some better insight for you? So I guess this helps until others reply...

[Guest nejiwhopper]

..........

[IrmaJean]

Maybe try writing down something for just yourself first. When you recognize a feeling as you are feeling it, try writing then. Free write about anything as it pops into your head. You might start with describing other things first and getting in touch with your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste? What are you seeing and how does it look? Bring it to life. Are you able to identify any feelings this stirs in you?

I imagine that learning to express yourself and allowing your emotions may take some time and some work. I think part of that can be practicing letting your walls down, letting the world in and letting yourself out into it. It may take some time. I like the ideas neji suggested as well. I hope you find your way with this, harp, and are able to express yourself.

[harp]

Maybe try writing down something for just yourself first. When you recognize a feeling as you are feeling it, try writing then. Free write about anything as it pops into your head. You might start with describing other things first and getting in touch with your senses. What do you see, hear, smell, taste? What are you seeing and how does it look? Bring it to life. Are you able to identify any feelings this stirs in you?

I imagine that learning to express yourself and allowing your emotions may take some time and some work. I think part of that can be practicing letting your walls down, letting the world in and letting yourself out into it. It may take some time. I like the ideas neji suggested as well. I hope you find your way with this, harp, and are able to express yourself.

If I wrote down why I feel suicidal, I'd have to write the story of my life for the last several years and a lot of the things about it I'm embarrassed as hell to tell anyone, it's really difficult to think about and even more difficult to talk to anyone about it with. I think it's so hard because I'm so embarrassed to tell anyone about it, to acknowledge that it's real.

[malign]

Would it be embarrassing if, as IrmaJean suggested, you wrote only for yourself, at first? No one else would have to see it. Then you could decide what to share, and what not to, and maybe just writing it would help you.

The annoying thing about reality is that it doesn't really care if you acknowledge it or not; it stays real. The only person who benefits from acknowledging your realities is you.

[harp]

Would it be embarrassing if, as IrmaJean suggested, you wrote only for yourself, at first? No one else would have to see it. Then you could decide what to share, and what not to, and maybe just writing it would help you.

The annoying thing about reality is that it doesn't really care if you acknowledge it or not; it stays real. The only person who benefits from acknowledging your realities is you.

I guess it would, because I'd be embarrassed for myself. Plus I'm scared that if I tell anyone about the problems I've had in the past or right now people will invalidate that it/they're a real problem. I suppose I could try to write it down only for myself first but I only find that kind of thing helpful if someone else reads it so they know it's there. I've had someone look through something I wrote that was really personal to me before, and that really ripped me apart.

[malign]

I used to keep a journal in French, that I could read and my family couldn't.

It didn't help me much, but that's unrelated. ;-)

I take it, then, that your home life hasn't changed?

[Luna-]

harp - I don't know if this will help you: there are things that are very hard to put into words but sometimes you can express them another way - in pictures, in music, in art, in drama. This doesn't have to be for anyone else either - but it really helps to see it out on the page or to hear or see it it and think "Yes, that's how I feel!" Sometimes when I have no artistic inspiration, but churning emotions inside, I've just sat and stuck pictures that express something, even just colours, from magazines onto paper. (I hide those from my children.)

Might something like that help you get started (assuming you want to express how you feel)?

[Lindamomof7]

This is exactly what sand play therpay is for!!!

[harp]

harp - I don't know if this will help you: there are things that are very hard to put into words but sometimes you can express them another way - in pictures, in music, in art, in drama. This doesn't have to be for anyone else either - but it really helps to see it out on the page or to hear or see it it and think "Yes, that's how I feel!" Sometimes when I have no artistic inspiration, but churning emotions inside, I've just sat and stuck pictures that express something, even just colours, from magazines onto paper. (I hide those from my children.)

Might something like that help you get started (assuming you want to express how you feel)?

I can put it into words, it's just that my mind doesn't want to go to what I've been through in the past and why. It's so hard to just comprehend what's happened to me in the past, the decisions I've made and why, you don't even know. But to tell other people about it too?

[Guest nejiwhopper]

..........

[harp]

I think I understand. You have things that you want to talk about and get out in the open and for people to know what happened but you're A) embarrassed about the things that have happened and choices that you made and afraid that people that will read about it will come back with negative comments blaming you for it and reinforcing the negative feelings you have towards yourself over the situation. And perhaps even telling you that you shouldn't be feeling the way you do. I'm I understanding this correctly?

Pretty much. I shame and embarrassment I feel about what I've been through in the past is like the shame a rape victim feels about being raped, especially if they were gang raped/raped in a really brutal manner.