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(Contains Major and Minor triggers) Ability to appear "normal" going away?


Aaron.X.C
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I'm getting so tired of trying to appear normal with feelings, I don't even have. I don't get the point of it anymore. I dont have empathy, I don't know why I pretended, it's pointless I do a horrible job at pretending. Everyone knows I'm not normal. Everyone knows theirs a big something wrong with me. I just don't have the motivation, I'm tired of this bs love, happines, care, sorryness. I don't feel any of it, I can only pretend. I just want to say let them die, or who cares, or go die already. Just kill yourself already, your useless. And now i have feeling of pointlessness I don't have a goal in my life. I have no point in live, I'll never have anything. Material possessions such as this computer just allow me to vent my pathetic pity party. I truly don;t know what the point of life is for me, I'm going to live alone(assuming I don't die or kill myself) and die alone. I'm not interested in love or sex, its uninteresting, boring, pointless.(I know the end result) I don't feel remorse, I know what remorse is, to regret what you have done. But I don't remorse, I only pretend. I just wish i could live in an isolation cell so I can die alone and go crazy with privacy. I should be tearing up, but I'm not. I'm so tired, so exhausted of pretending to laugh at jokes that are supposed be funny and make you happy. Most of the jokes are intended to make fun of me, I just act like its nothing, and laugh at it, realizing how pathetic I am. What the fuck am I supposed to do. I have no motivation to live, no motivation to get "better", I just want to be alone forever even if it means killing people to be alone for just 1 day and know the feeling that I'll never be bothered again. Atleast for the day. I want to burn my school down and watch all those jerks whos made fun of me since kindergarten burn to death. And yet I'll get no excitement of that, I don't know what to do, nothing interests me anymore. All I feel is shame and hate and depression. I just want to die so badly, my parents won't care, they abused me, might show them what happen when you abuse some one, you'll drive some one crazy to their death.I don't have any real friends. NO ONE will care if i die. As I type this I feel more pathetic, I don't know where to go, 911 is not a choice loony flesh who pretend to save you, when they only want money from you. Crisis Centers, people who seem to care but don't understand. They assume you can do everything. It's almost

tempting to call them have it on speaker then hang myself, and let them hear my death noises. I'm so messed up. It was nice talking to them until I realized it's just like talking to some cheapy a.i. therapist, just with an upgrade to say more things. I don't even know why I'm writing this.

Edited by Aaron.X.C
P.S heading to pretend to sleep, or else my parents will get up and get me in trouble, ugh...
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Aaron, I am so sorry for your pain:(:). I have a very dear friend who grew up with horrible family dynamics, and he got through it with a very small teddy bear. Don't laugh! It worked for him. He still has that bear to this day, and it is always his friend no matter what.

Aaron, you can always come here. I know it isn't the same as having a friend next to you, but we are here, and many know all too well what suffering feels like:o

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Aaron- I, unfortunately, do not have any 'wise' advice that will pull you out of the despair you are in right now but I still felt the need to reply in some way. I've read a couple of your posts and for some reason you remind me very much of my nephew who I absolutely adore. He and his mom lived with me until he was three so we are very close. Anyway, I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are. I have certainly had many moments of despair throughout my lifetime as well. I guess what pulls me through are my religious views but also my 'survivor' instincts. I refuse to let anyone have control or power over me. I have this inner strength that just bursts out of me at certain times. (I am 5'2 and 110 pounds) Most people do not think me and strength in the same sentence :) Anyway, do you have that fighter spirit anywhere within you? Can you decide...screw the world...screw the people who have hurt me...I am going to make something of myself. I am going to prove to them that I am better than this? Do you have that inside you anywhere? Do you have the strength to decide, for just today, that you are worthy, you are special? I certainly hope you do. I know these words are unlikely to help much but look at the positive in this, people you don't know are reaching out to you and just want you to feel better. My hope for you today is that you smile atleast once:) Take care, vicki

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Aaron, when all hope seems lost, feelings are no longer feelings, they are simply lies, when life seems hollow, empty, pointless, it is a hard time, i've been there and i'm still at that place. I would love to say, hang on in their man, things are going to get better, but i guess you've heard that so many times it seems things have been 'going to get better' for all your life and it has never happened.

When the people in our life throw us into these fights, when it seems we are fighting against everyone, even ourselves i find it helpful to have a place to rage and vent and 'die'. Often i go there and be alone and i shout and rage at all the people i hate, all the things that are wrong with my life. When it's all out of my system i just sit and let my mind empty. It helps for a short time...

Sorry i can't be of more use Aaron, i am going through some tough times too and many other members here are also in their own fights right now, stay strong and keep fighting...

Take Care, [Guy]

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Guest ASchwartz

Aaron,

Has something just happened in your life to cause you to feel so awful right now? It seems like there must have been some catalyst?

I urge you to call 911 and get some real help.

Allan:(

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I have it, I've been doing it, thats what given me the ability to stand out and yet be "normal". It's just gone I don't have much motivation. I've had a horrible day, with the dentist more fillings :X eek Gtg real busy today

Aaron- I, unfortunately, do not have any 'wise' advice that will pull you out of the despair you are in right now but I still felt the need to reply in some way. I've read a couple of your posts and for some reason you remind me very much of my nephew who I absolutely adore. He and his mom lived with me until he was three so we are very close. Anyway, I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are. I have certainly had many moments of despair throughout my lifetime as well. I guess what pulls me through are my religious views but also my 'survivor' instincts. I refuse to let anyone have control or power over me. I have this inner strength that just bursts out of me at certain times. (I am 5'2 and 110 pounds) Most people do not think me and strength in the same sentence :( Anyway, do you have that fighter spirit anywhere within you? Can you decide...screw the world...screw the people who have hurt me...I am going to make something of myself. I am going to prove to them that I am better than this? Do you have that inside you anywhere? Do you have the strength to decide, for just today, that you are worthy, you are special? I certainly hope you do. I know these words are unlikely to help much but look at the positive in this, people you don't know are reaching out to you and just want you to feel better. My hope for you today is that you smile atleast once:) Take care, vicki
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Aaron

You know, when you feel so 'dead inside', there is a name for that: clinical depression. You forget why you're trying to do anything. Sometimes you're angry with the world at the same time. There IS something you can do for this, even if you've done it before and it didn't work or stopped working. There are many ways.

Could you be at this very low point now? Can you try to harness that 'fighter' in you (I don't mean that literally) and seek some help so you don't have to feel this way ... ?

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I have it, I've been doing it, thats what given me the ability to stand out and yet be "normal". It's just gone I don't have much motivation. I've had a horrible day, with the dentist more fillings :X eek Gtg real busy today

I sensed that you had that strength, that inner something that allows you to carry on even in dire situations. For now, go with that...fight through this...you are a 'fighter'. I can tell. Use that to get you through this. To seek professional help. One thing that helps me get through difficult times is writing...I have notebooks full of things I wrote. It helps me to get the thoughts and the feelings down on paper.

You mention the dentist...I have an appt. in 2 hours for oral surgery because apparently a root canal I had 10 years ago was not effective and now there are roots 'stuck' in the way way top part of my gums above my front teeth. EEK! Not looking forward to this at all! That might be too much information but just thought I'd share.

My hope for you today, Aaron, is that you LAUGH out loud at least once.:(

Take care, vicki

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Heh that sucks my 2 cavities were going to become root canals in 1 month. But yeh, i had my 2nd cavity filled still have 1 more. That will be like my 6th cavity filled apparently i have weak teeth. Oh and btw ask for a very strong dose, or two doses. Because that will hurt like hell. My strategy is to bring my phone/ipod, listen to music, close my eyes and repeat in my mind, focus on nose and music. Nose to breath in/out by nose(i have a screwed up nose). Music to focus on music and not the feel the pain. Im trying to get my motivations, its hard. Though having no feelings has a good effect on bullys who try to bully me. <graphic description of violence deleted as per rules>

But uhh yeah...

I sensed that you had that strength, that inner something that allows you to carry on even in dire situations. For now, go with that...fight through this...you are a 'fighter'. I can tell. Use that to get you through this. To seek professional help. One thing that helps me get through difficult times is writing...I have notebooks full of things I wrote. It helps me to get the thoughts and the feelings down on paper.

You mention the dentist...I have an appt. in 2 hours for oral surgery because apparently a root canal I had 10 years ago was not effective and now there are roots 'stuck' in the way way top part of my gums above my front teeth. EEK! Not looking forward to this at all! That might be too much information but just thought I'd share.

My hope for you today, Aaron, is that you LAUGH out loud at least once.:o

Take care, vicki

Edited by Luna-
graphic description of violence
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FYI: My dentist appt. was fine. It only took 45 minutes and just novacaine, no gas, so I was happy with that. I got four stitches and, believe it or not, they did a bone graft and they used cow bone, looks like big pieces of salt. All that on two teeth and 45 minutes. When I was in the chair I wished I brought music with me so I just had to sing songs to myself.

Have a good day Aaron!

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Ahhh.... Im feeling so much physical pain, my temples hurts bad my neck hurts, my ear hurts like hell my gums hurt like hell my right foot hurts bad my hips are so god damn messed upp AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! F'CKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ouch!!! My father got me a doctors appointment for my hip(after a year of saying no) Their doing new x-rays of my hip, seeing if I have any options. The therapy made it worse, I freaking need an artificial hip replacement.... Even when I'm typing im biting my teeth so hard on my other teeth to try and take the pain. Advil doesn't work for crap. I take it it doesn't help. Im in so much pain right now it almosts brings tears. It's been like this every damn day i can't concentrate its so hard to, when your in constant pain and you have to hide it in public. I cna't be viewed as weak, Im not WEAK!!! I want to get in a fight so bad, use that pain on something, im tired of being in pain mentally and physically, every time i do something wrong(EDIT: according to No-Name) my voice(I'll call my voice No-Name, as it doesn't have one) hurts me, makes me feel as if one of my veins on my neck explodes, it can literally paralyxe me for a couple minutes(not ass much anymore) an intense searing pain every moment. I don't know how long I can keep strong I feel weak. And yet I look at other people with simple cuts and simple headaches and them crying and b'tching about it. Then I feel strong again.

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So, Aaron, if you're so willing to fight other people who make you hurt, why don't you fight No-Name? I know it's something inside you, so it's harder to fight it than someone else. But one way to fight it is to get yourself some treatment. It certainly doesn't mean that you're weak. But the way things are going, you're letting him get away with hurting you whenever he wants, and that's not to mention the risk of him hurting others if he gets out of your control.

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Aaron, can the doctors prescribe you anything for the pain? I just had a cortisone shot in my shoulder after a 2 month bout with tendinitis and have been pain-free for a week now. I realize now how being in pain wears you down after a while, makes you more vulnerable to your emotions. Being in constant pain can make you irritable and moody as well. Can you try asserting your needs with this and asking for help? After your pain is under control, is there a way you might seek out counseling for the challenges you've been facing?

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The freakin doctor didn't help... ugh... all he said about my pains was to talk to my regular doctor, which I DONT HAVE. And my stupid parents have been b'tching at me 4 days straight, saying ill be in school till im 21, my young cousins will pass me up, then saying ill never have any friends, and then threatening to kick me out of the house and lock me out. I finally have a chance to get on the computer...

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Aaron that is so frustrating when the medical community just passes you off to someone else---especially when you don't have access to that someone:(:). My long range hope for you is that you can start on a path to a job with benefits and can start to have more options in your life. Are there factories around? A McDonald's? Anything that will lead to a health care plan?

I am so sorry for your constant pain. Do you have any success with relaxation techniques?

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That's actually quite hard to do, I have minor sunken chest(So it hurts when I breathe deep), along with a messed up nose(Have no sense of smell, also makes it hard to breathe as well) I can barely deep breathe for 2 seconds without my chest hurting. Thanks for the suggestion anyways...

Edited by Aaron.X.C
grammar
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