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I'm really hurting right now


AmyeH
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Hi there,

Sorry to hear you are hurting so much :)

It must be very difficult to get everything out in the open and remind yourself of past hurts. Hopefully in the long run it will be really good for you. Working through all these feelings.

You have been an inspiration to me. So I'm routing for you in therapy. Selfishly so you can inspire me again :) but also so it makes you feel better.

Hope you are doing ok today.

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I started seeing a therapist a few months ago to try and deal with what was (and still is) going on in my life (relationship problems, a depressed and sometimes abusive boyfriend, I think a bit of postpartum depression, a lot of anxiety and the most stress I've ever had in my life) but I stopped after only 2 visits. This was partly due to my guilt over going behind my boyfriend's back, but also partly because I felt worse after I left than when I got there>< lol She asked me all kinds of questions about my past and brought up things like my parents getting divorced, my relationship with my mother, and my brother going to prison>< Things that I hadn't even thought about in a while. And I was like "why are you bringing up all these other upsetting things instead of helping me with my current situation?" But I realize now that those things were bothering me this whole time, just sort of unconsciously... I think if I would have stuck with it, I would have been able to deal with these things one at a time and feel better little by little, because all these things are weighing me down... I know it's hard at first to bring all these things back up, but you will feel better when you can work through stuff and lighten your load:)

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Hi Amy

hang in there as best you can. I think one of our first posts together I asked if you had any past trauma in your life and you said you didn't. I wish you still didnt but I think being able to recognize and realize while reflecting back on our lives did affect us in some way. And right now it is all coming to a head because you and I are starting to process what it all means.

I'm right there with you, I am doing it to. Our pasts might be completely different but it is how we processed different occurances in our lives and right now we need to put in into perspective.

I wish you luck with you therapist, it might be a rough road for a while but I know you will be strong enough to go through that journey... :)

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Well you experimented with it, and did you find it didn't accomplish much? It didn't for me either. so why bother, right? How about putting some rubber bands on your wrists and just snap them as easy or as hard as you want to feel some "pain". That might be a good alternative.

I understand the feeling and the despair of not feeling "good" I dont have the answer but it is getting much more difficult to maintain some normalcy of functioning. So I guess not running into a tree is good? So I better use the rubber bands...

Hope you feel better Amy

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ohhh Amy I keep saying this but I feel the same way, me I'm thinking of other things but wont give you any ideas, but the point is, life is still there after the pain if there ever is any.

The numbness you feel, the feeling of feeling fine, I get that too but I'm on no meds so I think it is just this damn illness. I

have tried eating anything I want but feel nothing either and now I dont even feel like eating. Could be a good thing but been down that road too of not eating for a month and gained the weight back in double...

I'm at a loss, dont know what to do with every minute of my life. Its all flat, unemotional and except for the smile my youngest daughter(10) still gives me like I am her world and how much she adores me, I am totally confused. I know what I want to do and I know what I should do but cant seem to put it in my life to move on in a positive way.

And that is the worst feeling of all... Guilt....

Hang in there :(

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Hi Amy

Sounds like you are answering your own question about safety. Maybe it would be good to go into a safe environment, let them get your medication set and just try and use that time to relax, go to groups they offer and learn all you can and let the professionals help you.

It may not be a vacation but it sure can be a huge load off your mind about trying to stay safe and functioning every minute without being able to act on your thoughts.

If you have to go, go voluntarily, much easier then being commited. Pack some books, your favorite blanket and get the help you surely need and deserve.

I was suppose to go into the hospital this past week, but my pdoc was leaving for about 4 days and I will try and wait it out but the difference is I am not cutting.

So please consider the safe alternative... :(

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