I do not wand to kill myself but I wish someone would

[edelweiss]

there ate no thoughts of summer beaches that can help me against my own stupidity. I am extremely ashamed of what is going on presently in my life, I cannot even imagine what other people will think of it. My ex boyfriend asked me if he could stay with me because he was having a very very hard time and did not want to be alone. The stupid me said yes and ended up earing that he failed in a relationship with another person because of me, because he was afraid I killed myself (I never tried it) and apparently it turned our to be a you are to blame for my mistakes, he even told me that our relashionship of 5 years was only sex and that I cannot talk to anyone, and that he is ashamed of me.

and still, here I am completely broken and still falling for his emotional blackmail that he is afraid of himself and I let him stay in my appartment.

I am medicated, what just what is wrong with me

[edelweiss]

help, I am such a failure

[finding my way]

edelweiss, you need to separate out... is he still in your apartment? Please keep it together if you can long enough to get him out!!!! I am sorry for your pain:(

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi edelweiss,

it's true, it would be better if he'd leave your appartment.

You can throw him out, because it's your appartment. You have every right to change your mind about allowing him to stay there. It doesn't matter how bad he feels, it's his responsibility to stay safe and not yours. It doesn't even matter what he has to say about it. He doesn't treat you with respect and you owe him nothing. If he feels like he can't be alone, he can go to a hospital and get proper help there. If he doesn't need that help, he doesn't need yours that much either. It doesn't matter what he wants or threatens with, what is really important is that you do what is necessary to keep yourself emotionally safe.

I think there's nothing wrong with you edelweiss, other than that you have a very low self-confidence and he might very well have something to do with that, if you think about it. It's good that you realise that he is using emotional blackmail to get what he wants. He tries to make you feel responsible so that you give up your own interests in favour of his. But the truth is that you are not responsible for him or his actions or his failures and you need to refuse to believe any of that. Keep seeing it for the emotional blackmail that it is. I know you are feeling very weak now, but it's really good that you can identify what he's doing. Remember that means he is not right and that also means that you are not a failure.

[edelweiss]

I know and agree with everything you said but I seem to be unable to act which makes me feel so much worse... he totally controls me in a very deep destroying way. I feel devastated...

Tonight he decided to go home he said I stress him to much, I feel sad but relieved but tomorrow he will be back and I will not stop him

What is wrong with me, I do not believe a normal person behaves like me.....

[finding my way]

attachment issues maybe? I had those too:(. Is there a safe person you can be with right now? At the very least try to observe yourself and what is happening. "This is me hurting. This is what it feels like to feel confused. I want to find safety in this situation." Keep us posted on how you are, e.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi edelweiss,

what do you think would happen, if you didn’t let him in again?

There’s reasons people stay in abusive relationships and it’s not that they are stupid and not normal, as much as they probably fear the consequences of getting out, like that they’ll be responsible for being more lonely than before, or that the abuse gets worse, and also they start buying the messages they get, like that they don’t deserve any better and will never find someone who actually appreciates them. And then, when you already feel depressed you might feel like you can’t do anything about it anyway.

I wonder if you feel you can’t stop him, maybe you can make an alternative plan for tomorrow, like staying out late, having dinner with someone, even taking a hotel room, anything that means you simply won’t be there when he comes back?

[edelweiss]

as I expected he just called saying he was really bad and how he was afraid of being alone, that he needs me and I am the only one here who can help him...

why doesn't he let go, he has this girl he says he loves why??

Why did I pick up the phone

If I was in my home country my friends would take me away or stay with me, being alone here does not really help, I still don't trust in anyone with this mess

I already know what will happen

[mscat]

You got to take care of your needs first. This guy is dragging you down and pulling you deeper into his own mess. Try not allowing yourself to get wrapped up into his troubles . Do what is right for you. He is too controlling and will throw you under the bus in the long run.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Edelweiss, what do you think, how likely is it that you are really the only one who can help him? Sure, it's a charming concept, but how likely is it?

You say he has another girl, so that's already one even I know about. There's emergency services, that makes two I know about.

I'll make a bit of a leap into fortune telling and say that the reason the other girl can't "help" him is probably that she doesn't allow him to abuse her that much. In other words, he doesn't let you go, because for him this is much easier than getting real help. I doubt very much that he gives a damn what this is doing to you, as long as he can make himself feel better by putting you down. And possibly putting the other girl down as well by turning to you.

Does that really help? Well, obviously not. He should feel ashamed for using you like this, but he's too busy being self-righteous to notice.

I'm sorry if this is too harsh, but I think the only help you can offer him is to set boundaries that leave yourself a lot more air to breathe and get him out of your personal space. He probably won't understand that as helpful, but that's just because it's inconvenient. Helpful and convenient however isn't the same.

[edelweiss]

It is a pity that you are not here with me "shouting" until I listen.

Today I kept my distance as much as possible (we work in the same place) but in the evening he was at my door and I let him in, again.

Since yesterday his attitude changed completely, he is nice and polite, but when I asked about this other girl he answered "what girl?"

I am scared, I realized that his waiting for me in the airport (without me telling him when i arrived) is... I can only think as scary... I do not know how to send him away without loosing it. I am wondering if anything he is saying is true...

Is this my depression, is it abuse, where do I get a grip on this man existence in my life... he completely devastates who I am

But I must confess I really liked your answer, it made me wonder if I also like the feeling of being essential

[catsirish]

Oh my Lord what a mess, you poor poor child. I wish I could help you to help yourself. I wond mince my words. JUST DO IT. get rid of him. love yourself.

[finding my way]

You build your sense of you, repair your instincts, seek healthy people to be around.... be patient with you, edelweiss, and keep talking here if it helps you!

[edelweiss]

I am trying to keep myself away from him during the day, i refuse to have lunch with him, just away. Yesterday I mentioned a music concert I really like and he offered to go and a moment ago he starts shouting saying that he would prefer to go out with other people and because of me he can. I told him I was OK to go alone and he started shouting he does not want to be with me, I told him to go.

Now the "girl" disappeared and he says he is on hold for her... I confess I told him he deserved to receive what he gives; he was furious

I will go to the concert, I need an emergency plan....

:eek:

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I think it's a good idea to make plans without relying on him. He seems to change his mind a lot and who needs a scene about going to a concert or not.

What exactly do you need an emergency plan for? Going to the concert alone or maybe his reactions?

It's great that you don't let his moods control you in this.

[edelweiss]

the concert was great

my emergency plan is how to get rid of him. he showed up in a great mood but I am so tired. How do I remove him from my life?

I really want to thank you for listening to me, you cannot imagine how sometimes it can get so lonely here

The thing I said to him that he deserves what he gives to others was it mean? I feel guilty for saying such barbarities...

Tonight I take a smile with me to bed

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

I'm glad you had a good time there.

I don't know if it was mean to say that, but if it makes you feel guilty, you can simply.. not say it again?

Does he just show up at your place usually? You could maybe tell him to give you notice and ask whether you actually want to see him, before he visits you?

[edelweiss]

Hi SomethingOrOther

You did not understand fully the situation, I lend him the keys for my apartment

He does not want to leave but keeps the insults and the aggressions

Today he asked me my opinion about his situation, I told him, honestly, that I do not believe it will work out for the best. He was so mean saying that I only wished he suffered and felt bad and I was he really happy that he depended on me again, and I am so hurt, so tired. I am in piece with what I said but his pain should not be my pain, not anymore not because of a relationship with someone else, I am his ex. He completely destroyed who I was during that time

I asked him to leave because I need peace to work and concentrate he called me mean; all this is twisted I am twisted.

Sometimes I think if he stays I will do something really really stupid

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Ah, well, then you'd have to start with the keys instead. I suppose he still has his own place, so how about setting an ultimatum for him to move out?

That you want to live alone in your own flat seems quite normal to me. What's twisted about that, apart from his thinking?

[edelweiss]

I gave him until Sunday, but I am scared not from him but from myself. I will need to use all me energies to forget about him, not to speak with him, not to answer the phone.

He came up with a plan to make this girl go back to him, this plan includes me, I am afraid somehow I will be extremely hurt. Not that I know what is plan is, and I cannot really imagine what twisted thought came to his mind but it will not be good for me...

SomethingOrOther, thank you for listening, I am and sound like a child without any will power. I feel like a pupet

:mad:

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi edelweiss,

a plan to get the girl back that involves you, is undoubtably a stupid plan. I hope things go ok till sunday, but remember if he gives you any more of that rubbish, you can tell him to leave sooner. Can't be terribly difficult to get his things together within short notice.

S.

[edelweiss]

He kept calling me bitch, selfish, pathetic looser, that nobody liked me. Saying I was sick, demented. He kept shouting and shouting and he would not stop. I told him to leave three, four, five times until I got really high and switched off my computer he was using and he left shouting at me.

My heat is beating so fast, I fell like throwing up, I am trembling, I thought writting would help but no good

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi edelweiss,

I think that's understandable that you feel sick about this, after this conflict escalated in this way.

It's ok now, the shouting is over and you can calm down slowly. How about tea, I'm a strong believer in tea, but it's probably more the ritual than the tea. It means that you do something good for yourself, when you feel worn out. You could also get a blanket to wrap yourself in? Try to breathe slowly and deep. If the panic doesn't go away quite yet, remember it can't harm you and it's ok to feel tense because of what happened.

I hope you feel better soon.

S.

[edelweiss]

tired, empty, scared of my stupidity

my life just broke

I cannot go back

[cjslife27]

Edelweiss you want to know what is wrong with you. I think I know because I have been where you are. You are human and part of you wants something good in your life. Problem is you are looking for it in the wrong place. Many people do and I did the same thing as well. The problem is you want to beileve in someone so badly that you don't see the whole picture. It took my ex trying to kill me to open my eyes. I pray it doesn't go that far for you. What needs to happen is let go completly of him. Don't let him use you as a door mat. You are better than that. You are important and it is time to put you first. It hard to do but you can do it, I did.