Love Story? Transference? (Part 1)

[spiritual_emergency]

As an extension of what I was saying above...

Many of us do long to feel loved, to feel unconditionally accepted, to find completion in another. Our most significant relationships in life will be with our parents, our partners and our children. It is these most intimate relationships that often get dragged into, re-enacted, and healed in the container of therapeutic relationship.

In your case Chisolm, you were dealing with a formal professional therapeutic relationship. In the case of myself and Rapha, we are dealing with an informal friendship which had therapeutic qualities. There are some ethical boundary issues to consider in all instances.

In terms of you and your therapist... the therapist is not supposed to cross the line, taking the therapeutic relationship into the realm of a personal relationship. In terms of myself and Rapha, we also have boundaries we have to respect. As people who are married, we are not supposed to feel love for a member of the opposite sex/gender who is not our life partner. If we do feel those things, we may also feel shame and that's going to take us into the Shadow.

We do have to honor those ethical lines and, when necessary, demand that they be honored, but we also have to honor that we did need to feel loved in those moments and not be ashamed of love itself or wanting that for ourselves. Ultimately, I do not know of anyone who gets well without it.

In my own case, I did get what I needed although if I had done the same with my real life friend or my real life therapist, it would have had disastrous consequences. Instead, I did it within me and there is no one to blame then because it was "just me" in that space, broken into pieces, and the union that took place helped bring that brokeness back together.

I know, I know. It gets bizarre. It gets way out there. It gets very esoteric and it looks like intellectualizing but I assure you, I felt every single moment.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

See also:

- The Anima, The Animus and Alchemy

- Exploring the Third: Jung's Transcendent Function

[finding my way]

SE, I always learn something from you I really like the Perry quote and I like how he speaks of "affect-images" as opposed to symbols, which can be just intellectual. Perhaps the "affect-images" become affect-image-symbols when Eros and Logos have had their dialogue....

Anyway, thanks to everyone for sharing. I know this discussion sounds highly intellectual, but really, it is a highly emotional and primal experience. More midbrain than cortical, and very, very powerful.

[Chisholm]

Hi SE .

Don’t get me wrong, I am very appreciative of your input and indeed I was more than tempted to get involved with what could be a very interesting discussion – enthralling actually. But in deference to my new motto: Keep it Real, I have to look at my feelings and what they mean for me. I completely understand that the the animus/anima is meaningful for you.

In essence whether you label it transference/countertransference/projection/projective identification/animus possession – they are all theories or if one wanted to take it even further, social constructs which are informative at best but I don’t want to get into relativistic ontology. No doubt it wil resonate with some and not for others.

The quote within your quote from Perry actually puts it quite neatly:

“The analogies here to the relation of loving feeling between two persons cannot escape the eye. It is very difficult for the profession of psychotherapy to know what to do with this awkward circumstance. The way to ease the tension around the issue has been from the beginning, to take refuge in the fact of the "transference," which, holding vestiges of previous, parental relationships, minimizes the validity of the presently growing relationship that exists in its own right. The ardor that springs up has been made even more safe by perceiving it as the "transference neurosis," needing a lot of interpretation to keep it under control and finally, to dispel it. A term that has been used for this effort is the graphic phrase, "crushing the transference," thereby telling the whole story in epitome.”

However if he’s going to start talking “archetypes and archetypal phenomena as affect-images” – well that pretty much crushes the loving feeling for me as well.

My experience of fragmentation/disintegration was just that – a once off frightening experience. Actually I think Kohut does describe it best when he says ““the attempt to describe disintegration anxiety is the attempt to describe

the indescribable”, my point being that there is no benefit in further expounding what was an experience far more indicative of the situation that I found myself in rather than any pathology/habitual pattern of relating. In short once my therapist’s STUFF entered the room, the space was no longer contained and safe and my behaviour was far more a reaction to dysfunctional circumstances than reflective of any behavioural pattern repeating itself.

Over-analyzing/intellectualizing/theorizing – I posted this not so long ago:

“I got sucked into that intoxicating and powerful heady space in therapy – a wonderful world of intellectualisation which (in amongst all the emails. etc) made for a seductive interplay (or as my current therapist calls it, intellectual foreplay) between my therapist and I. Instead of insisting that I speak directly to my feelings, he joined me in my NO.1 defence mechanism (which no doubt was also his NO.1 defence mechanism) and together we both played word games, ruminated on Jungian archetypes, sparred with analogies and flirted with Freudian parapraxis. Wonderful seductive little world of metaphor and symbolism while neither of us spoke about the HUGE pink elephant sitting in the room. To be sure there was plenty of feeling in the room but neither of us were willing to address it - UNTIL REALITY SET IN WITH A HORRIBLE THUMP! ...and then the power differential inherent in therapy caught up with me with a vengeance.”

As a friend of mine so aptly put it - intellectualization and metaphor is enthralling and stimulating in literature (and in this forum) but out of place and downright dangerous in therapy.

[spiritual_emergency]

Chisolm: intellectualization and metaphor is enthralling and stimulating in literature (and in this forum) but out of place and downright dangerous in therapy.

I suspect that what it comes down to is that we have to honor where we are and what is working for us while acknowledging that what worked for us, may not work for someone else.

... once my therapist’s STUFF entered the room, the space was no longer contained and safe and my behaviour was far more a reaction to dysfunctional circumstances than reflective of any behavioural pattern repeating itself.

I'm sorry that you had that experience and can see where it wouldn't have been helpful to you. I read through more of your thread this morning and there seemed to have been a great deal of dancing around the obvious. This does produce a particular kind of maddening conversation that can often be damaging. Quite often, it's the things we're not supposed to openly speak of that most need to be talked about. But because of the sensitivity of the issue, we do have to speak of them very carefully.

~ Namaste

[spiritual_emergency]

fmw: I really like the Perry quote and I like how he speaks of "affect-images" as opposed to symbols, which can be just intellectual. Perhaps the "affect-images" become affect-image-symbols when Eros and Logos have had their dialogue....

As a Jungian, I assume that what Perry speaks of would be addressed with most people in terms of the symbolism of their dreams, perhaps active imaginations, that they would then take to their therapist for the purpose of analysis. A similar approach seems to work well for some individuals who have fragmented and are experiencing the world symbolically.

Meantime, some words regarding the transcendent function to reflect upon...

This process brings to mind the quote, "Man is forever locked "in the incessant, merciless battle between the spirit and the flesh... and [the] soul is the arena where these two armies have clashed and met" (Kanzantzakis, The Last Temptation of Christ). Synthesis is the product of this violent war "between the spirit and the flesh." The transcendent function, through a dialectical synthesis, brings together opposites in a reconciling attempt to regulate the psyche, or the self. When opposites are brought together it is called the coniunctio, or conjunction. This is Jung's term for Hegel's third step of the dialectic motion. Borrowed from the ancient alchemists, it refers "to a chemical combination; in psychology it points to the union of opposites and the birth of new possibilities" (Sharp, 1991, p.38). An example of this in non-alchemist language is "an acid and a base chemical. They are both individually separate and distinct, yet when brought together they form a neutral that is completely different than the two separated" (Inwood, 1992, p.79). ...

Now, how does this dialectical motion apply to the outer and inner world of the psyche? In the book Survival Papers: Anatomy of a Mid-life Crisis, Daryl Sharp (1988) gives a more pragmatic twist on the transcendent function than Jung allows for in his essay. Sharp says:

Jung's particular contribution to the psychology of conflict was to point out that if a person can hold the tension between the conflicting opposites, then eventually something will happen in the psyche to resolve the conflict. The outer circumstances may in fact remain the same, but a change takes place in the individual. This change, essentially irrational and unforeseeable, appears as a new attitude to both oneself and others; energy previously locked up in a state of indecision is released and movement becomes possible. Jung calls this the transcendent function, because what happens transcends the conflicting opposites (p.38). ...

Source: Exploring the Third: Jung's Transcendent Function

I'm not sure if any of that will make sense to you Rapha, but that book by Daryl Sharp might provide some insights for you. And for me too. I'd add it to my reading list except I already have about 50 books there. I may get to it at some point however.

Music of the Hour:

[spiritual_emergency]

I heart the internet...

A link to some extensive notes taken from Daryl Sharp's Survival Papers: Anatomy of a Mid-Life Crisis

The final line from those notes: …..a man in a conflict situation has to rely on “divine comfort and mediation….an autonomous psychic happening, a hush that follows the storm, a reconciling light in the darkness…..secretly bringing order into the chaos of his soul.”

See also: Google Books: Anatomy of a Mid-Life Crisis

Music of the Hour:

[spiritual_emergency]

As an addendum Rapha, in case you were wondering... There were many lessons that arose out of that experience and one of the most important ones was this: Love is the Highest Form of Intelligence.

For what it's worth.

~ Namaste

Music of the Hour:

[spiritual_emergency]

Rapha, I thought I would respond to your question here as opposed to the Transference/Countertransference thread. You had said...

I was thinking the same thing about those characteristics being more commonly associated with the feminine. I do feel more balanced now than before knowing her.

On the lighter side, must you "Namaste" every post? It makes me miss Priti! (I am teasing... please keep "Namaste"-ing. It actually brings back good memories!)

I hope it doesn't make you too uncomfortable. "Namaste" is a term that ties in with some aspects of my experience (i.e. Kali) but I didn't actually begin using it until several years after my experience.

The term can be used as a greeting or salutation, both between peers and as a mark of respect. I prefer to use it as a parting gesture. Initially, I was using it only with schizophrenics, particularly those who presented with a common bond of shared experience.

Later, I began using it with more people, although I don't use it all the time nor in the same context every time. For example, sometimes I use it if I'm feeling especially challenged by someone. It serves to remind me (and hopefully them too) that somewhere, we share a common bond, even if we're disagreeing at the time.

For all these reasons, it also serves as a spiritual practice which is part of the reason I do it.

~ Namaste

[Rapha]

I hope it doesn't make you too uncomfortable. "Namaste" is a term that ties in with some aspects of my experience (i.e. Kali) but I didn't actually begin using it until several years after my experience.

Not uncomfortable at all... I was truly kidding. I always think if I ever see Priti again it will be the first utterance from my lips!

--- Rapha

[Rapha]

I was referring to Rapha and his story, but it can be true for anyone. Inside a man is his inner feminine, his anima, that he can be quite oblivious of, or in poor relation to.... under those circumstances it can then be projected out onto another person, a woman (usually), and the man will be powerfully drawn to her. When this happens it is important to become conscious of what is happening. It is a gift to discover this part of you by getting to know what is projected onto this person, and you treat it with respect. If you are confused and think that these traits are synonymous with the person you've projected onto, you will be desperate to be in relation to this person and have to "have" them in your life. To be cut off from this person will feel like you are cut off from yourself. An extremely vital part of yourself that you cannot afford to lose.

The same is true of a woman and her animus. It is our task to become consciously related to our inner masculine and the powerful draw that compels us to our totality. Healthy relationships are supposed to help us with that. Even if they didn't happen growing up, I believe it is never too late, and we can still find our way through this stuff at any point....

Hello, fmw! Was just re-reading this whole thread to review everyone's comments and realized I never responded to your insights on the anima. They are so helpful!!! I most definitely was apprehensive about therapy ending and no longer having her in my life. This explains those fears.

It sounds like perhaps I should review the songs I wrote about/for my therapist and think about the qualities and attributes I projected onto her. If I'm hearing you right, those are aspects of me — my inner feminine — that I'm oblivious to or in poor relation to. As I am discovering this part of me, can you give me any further instruction as to how to "treat it with respect"?

Thank you so much. You're a Godsend!

--- Rapha

[finding my way]

Hi Rapha! With this question you simultaneously open up the topic of depth psychology. What I mean is, relating to your anima is about relating to you, but it is about relating to a huge expanse that begins with the familiar and leads to areas less and less out of ego functioning's control or understanding...into the transpersonal and spiritual even. I know that sounds all dramatic or bizarre, but everyone has this depth if they are able to access it, and some have this depth intrude upon them when they don't really want it. There is a great deal to us! Much more than the poor ego wants to know sometimes. Even though we cannot possibly know or understand all of that expanse, there are some dynamics that we can find our way through, and be the richer for.

With the anima, don't expect to fully understand or define her with the neocortex. What you do is relate to her. If you deny that you have any of these characteristics yourself, you are stuck projecting them out onto another person and will be obsessed about this person. On the other extreme, if you get so absorbed by these qualities inside yourself that you are taken over by this aspect, you may suffer an identity confusion and lose your bearings by being too driven by characteristics outside a healthy functioning ego. The place to aim for is to stand in healthy relationship to your anima... a dynamic tension between listening and attuning to these qualities as you can and still function in the world with a healthy ego carrying with you what you are learning but able to know your limits so you are able to let go of it when you need to and come back later. In other words, don't deny your anima, but don't try to be your anima either. Relate to your anima when the projections flow... onto people, into song writing, in dreams, and listen and learn what you can.

And know that we all have these dimensions! Not everyone wants to talk about it in this way, but for some of us, it is helpful : )

[Chisholm]

I reckon "make friends with the anima" sounds about right? If we do project this - does this then become an unhealthy obsession with the other person (that you projected it onto) - could there never be a healthy "love" relationship with this person?

X

[spiritual_emergency]

I really enjoyed that last post of yours, fmw.

Chisolm: I reckon "make friends with the anima" sounds about right? If we do project this - does this then become an unhealthy obsession with the other person (that you projected it onto) - could there never be a healthy "love" relationship with this person?

I think there can be but it requires entering into a relationship with the person who is really there, and not entering into a relationship with the projection you have foisted upon the person. It's worth emphasizing that there will always be some form of common characteristic between the projection and the person it is projected upon. It is these common characteristics which serve to hold the projection in place.

For this reason, we cannot say that the real "Priti" or the real "Gallagher" will not be similiar to the projection but we do have to separate the two. An excerpt...

Mark never thought about relating to the woman within. He didn't even know she existed, and if I had told him about her earlier, he would have thought I was completely crazy. But if this feminine dimension actually exists as part of Mark's larger personality, we cannot expect that it will lie there inertly. No. It is a living reality, and it calls out to him, as it were, for attention and affection, and chances to grow. But he is deaf to her, and yet it is from her that that tremendous longing to be whole comes from. So when he meets you, Linda, he recognizes, whether consciously or unconsciously, that you somehow possess what he is missing. But what he doesn't realize is that when he looks at you he is not seeing you in a purely objective fashion, but it is as if the woman within has come out and become the colored glasses through which he views you. You did much the same thing in relationship to him when you fell in love.

Did you ever think of why we say falling in love? It is because it is something that happens to us, like fate or destiny, something beyond our control. I would say it is the activation of this unconscious dimension in each of us which comes out and vitally influences how we see that other person. Then we see them as the perfect completion, the missing half, that we have been searching for, and we treat them with an appropriate awe, reverence and sense of wonder. It is as if bathed in the light of the anima or the animus they have become magical, almost divine-like beings.

"But this is only the positive side of things. If there is falling in love, there is also falling out of love. This is when the rose-tinted glasses are taken away, or we could say that the light coming from the unconscious is withdrawn. Then we see the other person as an actual flesh and blood human being. We see that that person is not our miraculous completion, but in fact, our spouse who has a very different kind of personality than our own. This can come as a terrible shock. It is almost as if we woke up one morning to find a stranger in bed with us. But it is even worse than that. This is the person on whom we pinned our hopes, and now it looks as if our hopes are not going to be fulfilled. We are disappointed, and we look around for someone to blame. And the person we pick is our partner. We have moved from the positive projection of falling into a negative projection.

"Mark, why are you so irritated with Linda who, in fact, is just being herself? It is because she has disappointed you. She is not the magical answer to your own wholeness that you thought she would be, and this feeling of disappointment and the anger that comes with it is what drives you to see her in a negative way. It is your own inner woman, your own feelings, which you have neglected, that have the very qualities you are attributing to Linda. They are disorderly and scattered. They run all over the place and you can't control them. Linda, you are doing the same thing. Because you have neglected your animus, it has become cranky, irritable, and isolated, all qualities you now find in your husband. What both of you must do if you truly want to save your marriage is to learn about inner marriage."

Source: Falling in Love

[Chisholm]

Hi SE

"But this is only the positive side of things. If there is falling in love, there is also falling out of love. This is when the rose-tinted glasses are taken away, or we could say that the light coming from the unconscious is withdrawn. Then we see the other person as an actual flesh and blood human being.

This is interesting to me. I have seen my therapist for what he is - as Rapha put it, "a person with significant flaws". Actually I think that is too kind - I've seen his clay feet, his intellectual arrogance, his dishonesty, his duplicity and indeed his blindness to his own shortcomings...... yet I still have strong feelings for him? In some ways I think I always will - what's that all about?

X

[spiritual_emergency]

Chisolm: I've seen his clay feet, his intellectual arrogance, his dishonesty, his duplicity and indeed his blindness to his own shortcomings...... yet I still have strong feelings for him? In some ways I think I always will - what's that all about?

Funny. I feel that way about my husband.

Perhaps what it comes down to Chisolm is that these people that we fall in love with, and that includes our friends and our therapists, are made up of both positive and negative aspects. In the earlier stages of love, all we see are the positive. In the later stages of love (often when we're working through our own shadow material), all we see are the negative traits. To back up just a bit...

My own "Animus" experience was related to two men -- there were two male "characters" in that space with me. One of them was good and that's Gallagher and he was very easy to love because what's not to love about goodness? But the other one -- whew! Who'd want to love that one? Not me, that was fer shure!

I was wrong, of course, but that's a different story. What's most applicable to this particular point in this discussion is that for a little while, my husband took on the qualities, attributes and characteristics of that negative animus. And yet, we had many, many good years between us. I was a woman who had not just loved, I had adored my husband. Or perhaps to put it another way, he fit my projection very well. And I fit his.

I wish I could say we were dealing with nothing more than my own distorted projections at the point things became so bad, but we weren't. I suspect that something a little more complex was going on. Among other things, he had lost the screen upon which to project his own Anima and he was not pleased with my fall from grace. As a result, he began to encounter his own shadow material and, as shadow stories often go... they're not very pretty.

Nonetheless, there was the human -- one side good, the other side... not so good. Just like me.

Music of the Hour:

[finding my way]

I just want to add to what you've been saying, that it doesn't have to be a frightening/dangerous experience at all. The earlier experiences are threatening because people really don't get what is going on and the ego feels so out of control. So much can be at stake!!! The more you know yourself and these dynamics, though, the lighter things can be, even funny.:eek:. For example, last week after reading these posts here I dreamt that I had a male PT and he insisted that he loved me. He was very determined that I know that. I thought that was hilarious and sweet:D.

So Chisholm,

I reckon "make friends with the anima" sounds about right? If we do project this - does this then become an unhealthy obsession with the other person (that you projected it onto) - could there never be a healthy "love" relationship with this person?

Yes! make friends with your animus, make friends with your unconscious... the more comfortable you are with what is there, the easier it will be to relate to others.

[Rapha]

The more you know yourself and these dynamics, though, the lighter things can be, even funny.:eek:. For example, last week after reading these posts here I dreamt that I had a male PT and he insisted that he loved me. He was very determined that I know that. I thought that was hilarious and sweet:D.

Love it, fmw, love it! I actually just belly laughed, and considering how awful I'm doing right now, you've just conjured a mini-miracle.

I'm sure glad my female PT didn't insist she loved me, though. THAT could have ended up in disaster! (Actually I'm sure her "falling" for me would have been the end right there before anything would have even begun. Anyone foolish enough to fall for me would no longer have been worth adoring! You know, there's probably something deeply psychological in that last sentence, isn't there?)

Thanks for the laugh!

--- Rapha

P.S. Too bad she didn't think it was hilarious and sweet! Actually, it sounds like it was my OT who really got freaked out...

[finding my way]

aww Rapha, why are you thinking you're not worth loving?? No wonder you needed a visit from your anima!

Your OT may have paniced out of a professional worry that she had done something wrong to encourage a crush to happen. Or maybe she hasn't really dealt with this realm much. In any case, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.... someday she may have a different perspective about being human and just want to wish you well.

[Rapha]

aww Rapha, why are you thinking you're not worth loving?? No wonder you needed a visit from your anima!

I was a total basket case physically and mentally when I started PT and OT back in March. (I'm not much better right now!)

Your OT may have panicked out of a professional worry that she had done something wrong to encourage a crush to happen.

No.

Or maybe she hasn't really dealt with this realm much.

Yes.

In any case, I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.... someday [your OT] may have a different perspective about being human and just want to wish you well.

I hope so, because I miss my OT, too!

My PT and I used to talk about the day she'll return to India to practice there. Several times I asked her about arranged marriages and I know well now how this will work for her. (BTW... it's not arranged yet.) At the very least I and my family, who are all extremely thankful for the amazing job she did with me in therapy, would like the opportunity to say goodbye to her when she's ready to leave the country. I'd also love to get a wedding invitation from her, though I know we'd never be able to attend! Of course she has no idea of any of this.

[finding my way]

Rapha, I'm sorry you are hurting so much:(. If talking about it helps, we are here and listening. ok, we come and go, but we come back! It takes a while to sort this stuff out, and you are feeling the loss of those relationships. Know that those qualities you felt are not gone from the universe, they are still with you, but you may need to be gentle with you and your thoughts as you experience pain. One of the biggest lessons I've learned being here is that the things we say to ourselves really matter... if you are thinking you are a mess, can you find compassion for you feeling this mess? We are human beings....

[Chisholm]

Hi Rapha

I PMed you but perhaps it would have been easier to post here? As with yours there was Part 1 and 2 so let me know if you didn't get it (which you probably did in quadruplicate!!)

X Chisholm

[Rapha]

Rapha, I'm sorry you are hurting so much:(. If talking about it helps, we are here and listening. ok, we come and go, but we come back! It takes a while to sort this stuff out, and you are feeling the loss of those relationships. Know that those qualities you felt are not gone from the universe, they are still with you, but you may need to be gentle with you and your thoughts as you experience pain. One of the biggest lessons I've learned being here is that the things we say to ourselves really matter... if you are thinking you are a mess, can you find compassion for you feeling this mess? We are human beings....

I don't know what to say, FMW. Your gentle reminders to be gentle with self are truly encouraging.

I seem to have a very difficult time being gentle with myself. It may trace back to 33 years ago when I began wearing an artificial leg. For me this has always been uncomfortable and often painful, and yet I've done it anyway. I learned to ignore my pain signals, both physical and emotional, for way too many years. Gentle? That simply wasn't an option.

Now, thirty years down the road when everything's hurting worse than ever, I don't know how to be gentle with myself. That's probably why I was attracted to Priti. She was gentle, tender, soft-spoken, courteous, professional, sweet. If this was my anima being discovered through her, I need to figure out a way to be her to me. Or be me (my feminine part) to me. Did that make sense? I know you'll correct my language, so go right ahead, 'cause I don't quite know how to say all that correctly.

One thing I'm worried about is whether I even have the will anymore to get better or not. I'll expound on this concern another time.

[Chisholm]

It's all in there Rapha - Priti just helped you notice that. You said it yourself, my therapist (John) may well have fallen in love with his own reflection.....?

That reflection is you Rapha.

I have often wondered and believed deep inside that we all feel an ache in our lives - and those of us more sensitive and possibly more traumatised may feel that ache more acutely than others. Psychologists have speculated on whether it is a past lack of attachment, lack of mirroring, neglected inner child, false selves, animus/anima, a constant search to reunite with or find the parent we never had - the list of theoretical explanations is endless, and it all comes back to the same thing.

Richard Bach's book A Bridge Across Forever is the most beautiful love story of a man's quest to find his soulmate.....it never really intends to deal with the concept of projections but perhaps unbeknown to the author himself, I think this is indeed what it is all about.

The blurb at the back of the book begins like this: Have you ever found yourself missing someone you have never met?

I think if we all had to have a closer look at those projections we give away so easily we might find that "someone" we are missing - that terrible ache? .......to be none other than the fact that we are missing our true selves.

Sometimes it just takes a special sort of mirror to reveal that truth - the next step is accepting it and in so doing ourselves.....

X

[Rapha]

Hi again, Chisholm. I hope your studies are going well.

It's all in there Rapha - Priti just helped you notice that. You said it yourself, my therapist (John) may well have fallen in love with his own reflection.....?

That reflection is you Rapha.

I have often wondered and believed deep inside that we all feel an ache in our lives - and those of us more sensitive and possibly more traumatised may feel that ache more acutely than others. Psychologists have speculated on whether it is a past lack of attachment, lack of mirroring, neglected inner child, false selves, animus/anima, a constant search to reunite with or find the parent we never had - the list of theoretical explanations is endless, and it all comes back to the same thing.

You have an excellent point. This triggers something I remember hearing a long time ago. Among the many quotable quotes of French mathematician, physicist, inventor, writer and philosopher Blaise Pascal, perhaps his most thought-provoking was this: "There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, made known through Jesus." Do you think his "vacuum in the heart" is referring to the "ache in our lives" you speak of?

Richard Bach's book A Bridge Across Forever is the most beautiful love story of a man's quest to find his soulmate.....it never really intends to deal with the concept of projections but perhaps unbeknown to the author himself, I think this is indeed what it is all about.

The blurb at the back of the book begins like this: Have you ever found yourself missing someone you have never met?

If Pascal was right, I suppose this "someone we've never met" would be God, wouldn't it?

I think if we all had to have a closer look at those projections we give away so easily we might find that "someone" we are missing - that terrible ache? .......to be none other than the fact that we are missing our true selves.

Wow! This resonates with me, Chisholm. Here's a thought for you. Maybe degenerate man (or fallen man) is our false self and regenerate man (or restored man) is our true self? An early follower of Jesus once stated, "I am crucified with Christ, therefore I no longer live. Jesus Christ now lives in me." If there is a God, and if we're all created in God's image but that image has become distorted by a fallen world, is it possible that the only way back to our true image (our true self) is by letting our false self go and taking on our true self (Jesus Christ)? Thought provoking, to say the least.

Sometimes it just takes a special sort of mirror to reveal that truth - the next step is accepting it and in so doing ourselves.

I really like your mirror analogy. It reminds me of something that same follower of Jesus said. "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." It sounds like the mirror that reveals that truth will not be as clear as we'd like it to be while we're here on this earth. We won't know God or our true self quite the way we long for (though God knows us completely right now). One day, presumably when we reach heaven, we'll see God face to face and know God and ourselves fully. If this is true, then as you suggested it seems "the next step is accepting it and in so doing ourselves" (our true selves). Does this sound right? Do you think I'm reading this correctly?

Any ideas on what that "special sort of mirror [it takes] to reveal that truth" might be?

I guess your insights have triggered a lot of connections for me. Thanks so much for taking the time to share them. It's good to know someone cares.

[finding my way]

One thing I'm worried about is whether I even have the will anymore to get better or not.

So Rapha, what is hurting in your will? It's true our words are one thing, and our will is another. Sometimes our words block our will. That's why it's important to notice what you are saying to yourself. It's never too late to make that change....