My anniversary

[AmyeH]

Yeah, my 5 month anniversary today since this all began..

Amy.

[Waiting]

Hi AmeyH,

It certainly takes time and it is not easy, but it can improve in time. Meds are tricky I went through about 6 of them and did me no good and gave up looking. After I had a major disaster in my life I tried some new ones and they do help.

As for therapy, well sometimes it is finding the right therapist. Certainly give him or her some time, but if it is not working for you, realize switching is an option.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Amy

Hang in there. I went for years trying to figure meds out. Be your own advocate and understand all the meds they put you on but have faith that they can help you. Glad you are still in therapy. I'm going twice a week also, I think thats a good amount in the beginning. It helps that I really feel safe and have confidence in her to help me but it takes alot of fact finding for her in the beginning...

[AmyeH]

Thanks for everyone's support.

A lot has been happening and it's just causing more stresses after more stresses unfortunately.

Have had days of constant and relentless anxiety and sadness inside of me which feels awful and I'm keeping busy doing things, but nothing seems to be helping. Thoughts again of self-harm but haven't done it. etc etc.

[LaLa]

Hello, Amy,

I just want to wish you good luck... And say: Hold on; it's all hard, but will be better sometimes.

But... I've always wanted to ask you about your job. If I remember it right, you live in Israel now because of your profession (?)... If you don't mind, you could write us more about what you do. Does it represent for you one of the important meanings of your life? Is it one of your pleasant motivations to get out of the bed in the morning? (I hope those questions are not "akward"/unpleasant ...)

I hope you'll be better soon...

Take care!

L.

[AmyeH]

Hi LaLa,

Thanks for the reply. I hope you are well.

Feeling pretty hopeless and frustrated!

How are you?

[LaLa]

Hi, Amy,

I'm sorry you are yet not better... It's a long struggle... Four months of therapy - that's not very much, relatively. The most important is not to give it up.

Thank you for the information about you! It's fine to know you a bit more . It's nice that you love Israel so much. I've once mentioned here a young man from our lab who had moved to Rehovot several years ago, also just because of his love to Isreal. By the way, I hope that the situation in the country isn't very dangerous, as we here only bad news from these regions...

I'm just searching for things in life. I don't know what I want to work in. I can't think of a field I'd like to work in.

I'm in a bit similar situation, the biggest difference is that I've spent the last 4 years on my PhD study (biochemistry). You can read more about me in some other threads under Psychotherapy and other treatment (-this is also the answer to you "How are you?"). Here (the most actual posts): http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?p=50405#post50405 and here: http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=5839

don't have any friends now and don't feel like I want them, and as far as hobbies and interests go, I feel like a bit of an empty shell.

I wonder if these are the causes or the consequencies of your depression... How do you see it?

Wish you well!

[AmyeH]

Thanks LaLa,

Much appreciated.

I guess it all just came on very quickly and hardly (excuse my bad English!) and has just been getting a whole lot worse before it's getting better.

I hope that it won't be too long a struggle, because every day is so hard.

Anyway, on I go... I hope to be able to reach the stage where I can at least change my attitude and thoughts to more positive things, and accept life for what it is and find the happiness and contentedness that I have always seem to have been looking for for such a long time!

[AmyeH]

.....,,,,,,

[LaLa]

Hi, Amy,

We all like and sometimes need session like this; "very 'smiley' and seemingly happy". It's nice to experience. And it's OK, a normal part of the therapy.

But my experiences show that the most difficult sessions are the most helping, in a long-term way. So what you describe makes sence to me: You hadn't seen your therapist for too long, needed to have a pleasant session, and this was so 'recreative' to you. But the good feelings didn't last long as they were realted to the time of the session only, not to a change or to a 'deeper' experience. You felt the big difference between the 'happy' session and your 'unhappy' life, I suppose. It's frustrating, isn't it? So you tried to find something that could make you feel seemingly happy for a while again, this time without the therapist (as she wasn't available). And you've found the alcohol. And then you was frustrated again and thus wanted to self-harm. I'm so very glad to know you were able to resist! Please, don't do self-harm again; it's an addiction and it's so very hard to get rid of addictions...

Silly me. Now I just don't know what to think or do...

I think first of all don't think "Silly me" and try to understand yourself better. I don't mean to approve the drinking and the wish to self-harm, but to understand your reasons and acknowledge that you had real reasons, not only 'a silliness'. And then you could think out what else could you do with the same reasons if not drinking (or self-harm). This is an important question in therapy: What can you replace your bad habbits with? The main rule is that it has to be more pleasant and, of course, not dangerous.

Good luck!

L.

[AmyeH]

Thank you for the support LaLa. I really appreciate it.

Sorry for my delayed reply. Nothing personal. Things have just been pretty bad and I'm trying to keep myself as chilled out as possible because I can't afford for things to get worse.

I just so want the higher dosage now to work, just a little help is what I need, everything has just been getting worse and worse and my patience only goes so far.

[LaLa]

Hi, Amy, glad to hear from you again

She said that medication is the first and foremost important thing to sort out and that it would be unethical and not right for her as a professional to carry on as we are as the medication is obviously not working or helping me along at all as it needs to.

This seems a bit strange to me. I don't say she's not right, but... I suppose everything depends on how you feel about the sessions with her - if you feel they're somehow useful. Mediaction is undoubtly important, but I can't see why it would be unethical to be in therapy also before you'll find the right meds... Of course she could do more for you if you had 'the right meds', but... now it's only you who can decide if the therapy is helpful or not. That's my opinion.

he's very concerned for me and wasn't looking too happy last night and very frustrated which doesn't make me feel great when I can see her like this - Kind of makes me feel a bit hopeless

I've read somewhere from other patients complaining about their therapist looking too much frustrated/sad/... . First of all, I think you should discuss this with her, too. Maybe it would be important to you to know more about your worries about how others feel 'because of you'.

(By the way, maybe you'll find out that she wasn't so very frustrated as she was looking. It happens. Once I told my therapist something and he seemed appalled to me, so I was unable to tell him more, to tell him anything 'worse'. But then, after few weeks, I told him about his reaction and he was very surprised: "It seemed to you I was appalled???" So... you never know )

And I also have few questions: Would you prefere her not to care so much? Really? Doesn't it feel at least a bit good that she cares so much about you? These would certainly be included in your dialogue about this topic .

But I don't have any urges to self-harm and am adamant to not drink so I hope that I can keep it up.

I'm very glad!!! And I wish you'll keep it up! Maybe you could concentrate more on sleeping long, as sleep is important and you also feel it...

Take care!

[AmyeH]

Thanks for the reply LaLa. Really appreciate your advise, support and suggestions

How's it going with you?

Any more hugs!?!?

Ahh, I'd still love a hug

[LaLa]

Hi, Amy,

Thanks for your post! :-)

I wish you'll get the right meds soon, too! You both (-you and your T) are right: It's all so frustrating...

But it's great to hear about your last session! I wish you to be so much open everytime! (It's strange that sometimes we can be so and sometimes not - at least me, I have this 'problem'...)

I'm sure that if I had just another 1 or 2 people in my life that cared like she did and I felt were there for me, then I'd not self-harm or do silly things at all.

And what about your sister? Or you mean somebody who would be with you (almost) 'everyday'? I'd like to say "You have at least me", but... I suppose you need somebody being with you...

How's it going with you?

Any more hugs!?!?

Well... it's hard for me to write you about myself, as... I'm so much better than you ... I don't have problems with anxieties or meds, ... I'm fine in general, my only big problem are my motivation and unability to write my PhD thesis and my feelings of hopelessness about it. Sometimes I'm sure I'm going to do it, but then... I do so many stupid little things and thus avoid what I have to do. I'm filling my life with these stupid little things and have no time for the important ones. It's almost the same for maybe 2 years (but it got worse), so... quite frustrating. It's hard to explain. What you surely know, too, is the feeling that "I don't know what to do with my life"...

But some days ago, I made a decision about my therapy: I decided to have a break until January (5-6 weeks?). Today, I texted it to my therapist, his answer was only "OK" (probably because I texted that I'm sending him a letter with an expnation of my resons for the break - so he doesn't have a reason to ask me more by SMS). I hope thanks to this break I'll be thinking less of him and the therapy and more of my work.

And the hug... No more hugs ;-). We discussed the one next week, but... my only 'conclusion' was that he said that my feelings had been normal and understandable. And then he mostly wanted me to tell more about the 'distance' that he always feels between us (-that I'm unable to speak to him as openly as I'm able to write him), but I had no ideas and it was quite frustrating. I also was frustrated by my big desire to hug him again and my 'unability' to tell him about it (at least I wrote about it in my letter). So it seems that all these silly frustrations 'participated on' my decision to have a break. And also; Cristmas are comming and I need to save some money. I'd be so happy to tell him in January "During the break, I wrote my thesis!!!", but ... I don't know if there is any chance for me to succeed...

So that's all about me. I'd be happy to hear from you again! :-)

Good luck!!!

L.