I married a virgin

[sadgreeneyes]

I am in need of some answers. I went to Jordan and married, after marriage when we should make love first time he made up a story not to be with me, it was a ridiculous story that even I knew was a lie, it wasnt before I took my belongings and left that he came after me and changed but he said first ok lets say I dont want to make love with you. I was so hurt and humiliated, how can he marry me and say he loves me and then say he doesnt want to make love with me. Then he said he lied and that the real reason was he was afraid as he was virgin, so we went back home and we made love. I was released because it came as a shock to me as he had talked like a non virgin before I went to see him saying he would eat me like lion and all kind of things and now when I was there he didnt want me but had married me, I got scared he married me for visa...thats why I took my belongings and left.

Ok so we made love and things were ok, I said he did good and he seemed happy, I was happy too to see him happy because I want of course him to feel safe and that he feels great and like man.

But when we made love he had problems kissing me,it was like grandmother kiss so I tried to kiss him more but he still seemed like he didnt want to kiss me and after we made love he couldnt hold me even I asked him nicely 3 times. He got mad when I talked about the kiss, he said angry this is my kiss!! I felt hurt thinking he doesnt like me or want me, I felt he had to force himself to be with me, when I asked him to lay down beside me to hold me that we could cuddle he came with lot of excuses what if he wants to shower, what if he is thirsty, what if he needs cigarette, you know it did hurt me so much, I felt like garbage like I was something he couldnt touch. I said to him ok if my husband cannot hold me then I dont want to make love anymore, so I stood up and dressed, then he said nooo and asked me can you be patient?? I was thinking patient, why on earth does he say that?? when I said further very serious I dont want make love with him he said ok he will hold me. But again he just hold me for 2 minutes like he had to force himself to be close to me, then he said he must shower. I have brought this up with him so many times and he begs me to forget the incident as he said that time he say much bullshit sometimes dont even know why he said that. So he begs me to forget it and I try, but I am in my country and he in his and I have to wait many many months for him to come here, that is fine I love him but I cant help thinking is he out for visa or me. Anyway its easy for me to see if he loves me when coming here, and I have told him this, he say I should not worry as everything will be fine and he will be normal and that it will be different, he said he did a mistake in Jordan.I hope this is true.

When I again brought this up some days ago he said : but I did kiss you. I said that is not a kiss that is kiss you give your grandmother, the he said ok I know all the words you want to say and say again everything will be fine..he is so sure.

But I mean he must underestimate me a great deal when he "again" say to me he did kiss me,specially when we have talked so many times about this. He even wondered how to hold me and asked like this??, again with a face telling me like he hope he didnt have too..like he played dumb not knowing how to hold someone. I honestly dont know what to think how he is thinking, I wondered is he gay, he said oh my god and said there is nothing wrong with me and there is nothing wrong with him and that things will be fine.

Is it really normal to say and do all these things if he really was afraid to perform? he say this was the reason. But I am thinking he is 35 years old he must know they kiss with passion and all what come with making love.

Sometimes I am thinking is it the blue movie he said he watched to learn and see how they did it, I am thinking if this is all he has seen he may think this is reality, he say he knows its not, he said after making love that he knew it all except for being close, how come he cannot know about closeness??

And later he say he knows about closeness?? can someone help me out,it feels like he knows everything but is playing dumb with me.

I am more depressed than before as I hope I have met real love this time and not yet an abuser.

I must say he also pushed me verbally nagging 5 times to go down on him before marriage and one time later again after marriage. Ok that is fine and may help him, but the second time he ordered me nicely and quietly down on the bathroom floor ( note he didnt ask me) so he could watch me from distance to finish, but he couldnt. Then he said weeks later he felt bad for doing this. I think maybe it was because of performance anxiety, if so its ok. But I need to know was all this performance anxiety or did he actually not want me? He say he likes me and are attracted to me and that he wants me and think about me and that things will be all fine.

I am thankful for all help and information.

Sadgreeneyes

[sadgreeneyes]

Just to add the first night in his family house he came into my bedroom late after everyone had gone to bed and he pulled himself up against me and wanted me and nearly hold around me little, then he acted like he wanted me, then he touched me ( I having nightdress on) and wanted to see me and then he nagged me to go down on him as we could not make love before being married and we were also at the family house. It was literally right before we should make love first time that he suddenly changed, so I am thinking maybe it really was he had performance anxiety? But I need some answers.

I´m thinking if it was he already knew he didnt want me he probably would have brought up the lie long before being in the bed and ready?

Just him saying he didnt want to make love to me and lie like that nearly damage the marriage before it had begun. It was the worst words I have ever heard from someone who had just married me.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sadgreeneyes,

Wow, my first reaction to this is that your husband has lots of problems and, perhaps, he is very uneducated about making love. At the very least, it sounds as though he is very insecure.

I am looking forward to what our other community members say about the situation and what their adive is??

Allan

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you for giving me your opinion. And I think you are right he is very insecure, he asked me before I went down to meet him that I had to help him first time as he was virgin. You know he is from very strict region in Jordan, everything is different, women and men in separate places and covering, much stricter than for example in Amman were there is little more modern. And they dont know anything about intimacy as it is not something they talk about and experience. Like they dont leave the family house before marriage and marriage is a very very important matter down there. Sex before marriage is not allow as it is a sin. So I believe he didnt know much maybe, but he does of course know how they do, but only from a blue movie maybe. That is what he said,but he knows that is not reality. But he said he didnt know about closeness. Find that little strange, but when Islam is so strict and they dont talk and kissing is not allowed to show other it might be true he doesnt know that much. But he must have seen some normal movies with people kissing in, find it strange to say he doesnt know about closeness suddenly he knows. I hope that it all is because of insecurity as it then means there isnt anything wrong with me or him and that things will be good, like he say too. I have on the other side heard that other muslim virgins have been like bull first time and not have these problems, so it makes me think why was my husband like that. Know that people are different of course and I did read that performance anxiety can make the person avoid sex all together, so maybe this is the reason why he lied. I am thinking he probably wouldnt ask me if he performed good if he didnt care. Because he seemed surprised and he was happy when I said he did good. Really he said with a smile. But it was a hurtful experience when he lied saying those words to me, I couldnt believe I heard right.

[IrmaJean]

I can understand your feeling hurt when your husband said those words to you. Perhaps his words reflect on his own insecurities more than a lack of desire to be intimate with you. How is the rest of your relationship, greeneyes? Can you talk openly with him about your needs? If he is feeling insecure, it could be helpful to take things slowly. I would try and put the focus on togetherness and connection, rather than performance if he seems to be feeling pressure about this. It takes a while to get to know one another intimately and things are bound to be awkward the first few times. Maybe encourage him to talk to you about what he's thinking about this. Try offering gentle reassurance. I think the idea would be to focus on one's partner and not on any proper "methods". Perhaps you could guide him gently during intimacy and show him what you like. I can remember feeling afraid about not knowing how to kiss "right". But once I thought about who I was with and sharing, I found it came pretty naturally. It could be that your husband wants very much to be with you, but needs a little reassurance to gain confidence. What do you think?

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you for reply, you may be right it is more his insecurities, at least I really hope so. My husband tells me it was because he was virgin. I read earlier today about performance anxiety and it says that a person can avoid sex altogether and that they seem to not be into it because they are so busy with disturbing thinking and anxiety. And I read that the other part can think she´s rejected when she´s not. Just like I thought, now I think maybe it really was performance anxiety, but I still cannot be 100% sure. We can talk openly about things and he say he understand me and that he knows what I mean. I just hope that his words of understanding isn´t only words but true words and that all will be fine.

After reading about performance anxiety I told him I read about it and apologized for nagging so many times about this, said I understand him better now, he said its ok and did thank me for saying I trust in him things will be good.

Maybe if I step back and not push ( when he comes here) maybe he will relax more or take the initiative and try become less insecure. Like in Jordan when I didnt want anymore he was saying noooo. So maybe this is for the better...to not crave too much...maybe he will come to me. Because I only get lower self esteem to feel rejected. I think I will just relax, if he doesnt come to me then there´s definitely something wrong because he had no problem pulling himself up against me first night down there and no problem nagging me to go down on him, so there shouldn´t be any problem for him to pull himself up against me once again. I think if he do this things will be fine after little time, because he has said he knows there must be passion and closeness in marriage. When I said how he came on strong the first night he said him being a virgin had nothing to do with shyness. I found that strange to say. If its not shyness why does he has so much performance anxiety then? I hope I get wise on him and things will be fine.

I will give him reassurance so he gain confidence, but at the end he needs to work along with me and not against me.

[LaLa]

Hello, sadgreeneyes,

I don't know if my comment is meaningful/useful in this situation, but... maybe...

Well, I'm a married woman and I was virgin during the 1st year of our marriage, but not because of my husband - he's "a normal man" (-without any anxieties related to this), if so unbilievable patient and regardful can be called 'normal'! - it was because of my anxiety. I mention it here just to let you know that... there are many "strange cases" in the world... and I can see how hard it can be to be married to one of them, but... I also can offer you an example - myself - that... big changes are possible . I agree with IJ about letting him know what you like, asking him, what he likes/prefers (from the "possibilities you show/learn him"), talking about it without conflicts - only with the will to understand each other, ...

The most important are your love, your emotional closeness, ... If making love is your only relationship problem, then you're are lucky and have big, big chance to overcome this problem quite soon ... Good luck!

[Waiting]

Hi sadgreeneyes,

I am sorry for the stress and sadness this is causing. I feel part of this is certainly insecurity, but it feels like more. Maybe he is trapped between being very shy in terms of sex and feeling a need to be a "man" and be dominant. Hence the telling of you to do things earlier, but then he needs to do things, hold you, kiss, make love he feels threatened in his masculinity combined with his worry about failing in his "job".

Just a thought.

Waiting

[sadgreeneyes]

Thanks for reply LaLa3 and Waiting,

You had a very patient husband LaLa3 and I am glad he did this for you and understood you. I know my husband said he had anxiety about this, but he had no anxiety pulling himself up against me even first night,I know its two different things so I will give him time and see if he comes to me without me asking. And Waiting...yes the kissing and holding thing is very important...the closeness..I am afraid to ask for closeness once again,not that I am afraid of him but I dont want to feel rejected again, it hurts as I come from only abusive r/s and childhood, dont want to make myself vulnerable this way. Because he knows what I need..I have told him so many times so as long as he knows it I will let him come to me, I want him to come to me because then I see it is "him" who wants it without me pushing him. He said it is God given wife should be submissive and husband dominant so maybe he has this need to be dominant and maybe he doesnt feel good I am the one to push and he the one whos not ready. I think its time to let it all up to him...let him be the one who comes to me...I think maybe that will make him more ready when he see its not a pressure.

Its not only make love that is the issue, he did never hold me ever, in the 17 days I was there he didnt try to hold me at all,not be close to me or anything,I even looked at him to try make eye contact but he looked out in the air or roof, I felt he wasnt there with me or I felt like I could as well not be there and he wouldnt notice. I have never said this to him, and even this he said one day by himself that when I was gone he remember me sitting on the bed there with him and he told me he cried that night after I left. It makes me believe he loves me, but I am so scared he doesnt. I hope he was like he was because of anxiety.Just felt painful he didnt meet my eyes that moment and hold me close so I could rest in his arm. He told me this is what we would do when I got down there,but he never let me lay on his arm.I miss that so much, he married me but I am scared I will not get the affection and closeness I need. I only pray I am loved.

[Waiting]

I am so sorry and I understand.

I could never talk to my ex-wife and she never understood my feeling as all. It certainly does seem he loves you and I know how this must hurt you.

All I can suggest is to keep talking and give him some space. ave you told him directly how it makes you feel? Males can sometimes be clueless to more subtle forms of communication. I know because I have been guilty of that.

You could try to phrase it in such a way to appeal to his need to dominate. I am unsure what that would be or if that would work for you.

Waiting

[sadgreeneyes]

Waiting thank you so much for understanding and I am so sorry for your pain too. I have told him how it makes me feel..I told him exactly what I wrote in my first post here...that it made me feel like garbage... that he cannot want me or like me and that I found it strange and hurtful he couldnt kiss and hold me. Specially does it hurt he never tried to be near me. It felt so cold.

He say he understand and that I feel wrong, I got some angry when he say I feel wrong because no one can "feel" wrong, but he explained it with that its not what I think it is, that I´m not rejected but that it is him being a virgin. He say he wants all what I want and that everything will be fine. I more wonder if its really so bad being a virgin as it is with my husband, I dont understand how he can say all the right words before I am coming there and then when I´m with him he doesnt do any of it, even being a virgin doesnt mean its a big problem "holding" his wife. How can he say I will lay with my head on his chest when I am coming and when I come he ask me how to hold me?? to me it mean he does know but play dumb.

I think holding his wife its not a performance anxiety. Or is it? I find it weird, feels more like he didnt want it. But I will step back and I have told him before I will never talk about this again or push or anything, I dont want to feel rejected it hurts to much. He even said nooo to that too...like he meant I should not stop talking about this....and when I do talk again he say nothing but yes me too baby...and thats all...what is the point talking then when he is so short with me..this is a while ago but I think I have had enough so I will pretend I dont care anymore, its all up to him because everytime I have tried to talk little dirty to him ( I did this because I´m so scared he doesnt desire me so I try with words to hear if he wants me too) he has always been negative.. it hurts too much..think I am too tired so I leave it up to him. Its like trying to break through an iron wall...lol...I just have to stop

If someone knows more about behavior under performance anxiety I would appreciate it.

[sadgreeneyes]

But I am thinking as he came to me even first night it must be he like me too and he did kiss me on my back and so...so maybe that show he wants to kiss but was afraid kissing with passion on mouth...maybe he is trying his way what is best for him till he gets more secure. I guess he wouldnt kiss my back if he didnt like me because he did it by himself, why should he do that if it was so bad.

[sadgreeneyes]

And I got a little worried some days ago as he meant asking me dressing off my top over cam for him ( something I said many many weeks ago I wont do and he agreed its not good) was the same as showing affection. That was shocking me. I meant I needed affection in words and that dressing off over cam is not affection. He agreed me with me suddenly and said he think I am right. What shall I think?

Because he said if we talk dirty we can talk 12 hours and we cannot feel it. Then saying asking me to dress off over cam is showing affection. Well, we cannot feel that either. Only thing he can look. And I feel like a whore.