Trust / Abandonment and Insecurities

[Lindamomof7]

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[IrmaJean]

I have a strong tendency to attach insecurely at first and have to build up to a more secure attachment. This seems a pattern for me with each new relationship. Generally I cling rather than push away, though...

I think pushing away makes sense too with fear of abandonment. This keeps others at a safe distance. You don't want to get too close in order to avoid the pain of loss. I think we do things that seem paradoxical, but make sense when you think about it. Being aware of these behaviors is a place to start. I try to step back now and look at my behaviors. Doesn't always stop me from doing them yet, but I am much more aware of myself now. It also sounds as though you could be "testing" the other person and considering if they are worthy of the risk. What are you thinking about this, Linda?

[Lindamomof7]

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[Waiting]

I don't think I push people away to see if they will return, maybe I do and am not aware of it. I do know my partner does and no matter what I do stay with her.

[Lindamomof7]

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[Lindamomof7]

Allan whats your thoughts on this subject?

[58corvette]

A good issue. I know in my Marriage I did'nt give up. However do to that I am now Jaded big time. My own fears of abandenment came true. I trusted to much. I was insecure then & still am. The difference is I learned a lot. The bad news is; now I am so insecure I havent allowed myself to get into any serious relationship since.

[Lindamomof7]

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[58corvette]

Hello Linda;

Thank You so much. Believe me just hearing that from a Woman helps me. I do hope someday I can manage to get over all my insecurities, issues & lonliness. And Find Love, Trust, Understanding & Hope Again.

[Lindamomof7]

Your welcome corvette...

It starts within you so look into the mirror and be very proud of what you see and others will soon follow and see the love and hope you have to offer...

[Waiting]

A good issue. I know in my Marriage I did'nt give up. However do to that I am now Jaded big time. My own fears of abandenment came true. I trusted to much. I was insecure then & still am. The difference is I learned a lot. The bad news is; now I am so insecure I havent allowed myself to get into any serious relationship since.

I understand this completely. I was unable to move ahead (even leave the relationship) until I got a lot of support to boost my self-esteem in terms of being a parent and a partner.

I am sorry you felt abandoned. I can't say I felt that, but I did feel betrayed.

Waiting

[labrador]

I don't know if I push people away as much as I refuse to let them get too close. If I let someone get too close I risk them finding out how messed up I really am . The fact that I am married and its lasted 15 years is a miracle to me. It's more of a testament to the strength of my wife than anything because I know she puts more into our relationship than she gets back in return and I don't understand why.

[Lindamomof7]

So true labrador. But give yourself credit as I have done as well because my husband who is my rock, is that we chose the right person to be with "forever". That says something about us doesnt it??

[labrador]

Yes it does Linda. My wife chose me in the beginning but I pursued her for over a year before we began our relationship. Like your husband, she is definately my rock and she is the only person in my life who has shown me unconditional love.

[Lindamomof7]

I have to agree with the same Labrador. And it has taught me what I was missing from my family. So needless to say, that has been a very big part of my therapy sessions. So growing up with "conditional" love and not knowing it till now, I chose a person that gave me uncondtional love.

And I learn everyday how much I have learned from him especially having to deal with psychiatrists, therapists, conflicts with people and all of the new realtionships with hospital staff etc., it sure can bring out the bad in someone but I am learning to act and relate better. It just happened last week when I wanted to quit therapy, so instead I chose to talk it out and accept fully that my therapsit isnt going to leave me...

[shanrucas]

Hi Linda, while thinking it about I realize I have trust and abandonment issues as well. I just look at my life and realize just how many people in my life I have pushed away just avoid any hurt in my life. I missed out on what could of been a great relationship, I told myself I just wasn't ready and here it is almost ten years and I keep coming up with reasons not to become close to anyone.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Shannon

I am glad you have been pondering this. I guess that is why I posted it because I am sure I am not the only one who has been probably been dealing with these same feelings.

Thanks for sharing. I can tell it is pretty deep for you...

[Endlessnight]

Hi everyone.

Your post made me start to think about it too, Linda. In my case I guess I just never let myself get attached to anyone. I built walls around my feelings long ago. The only people I feel safe in letting in, or loving are children, specifically, my nieces and nephews (though three of them are grown now). I give them my love unconditionally, though even that love has brought me a lot of pain too.

Since I started taking my meds, over a year ago, there have been some changes in me in that respect. I am allowing myself to care for friends and family in a way I haven't done before.

(I actually told a friend I loved her a few months ago! That was a big step for me and i'm proud of it.)

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Endlessnight,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings . I think this topic can bring some real thought, insight and allows us to really think about the relationships we have or don't have no matter the relationship it is...

(((HUG))) here is a hug for you for taking that step to sharing your feelings with someone.

[Endlessnight]

Hi again. I've been thinking some more of how I handle my feelings or show them to people.

When my nephews, nieces, get over the age of 10 or 11 I find it hard to show them affection.

My youngest niece, who is 7, I have no problem hugging and kissing and telling her I love he. My middle niece, who is 12, I hug but not frequently, and when I do hug her I feel a little uncomfortable. My oldest niece, and my nephews, I cannot hug or tell them I love them at all.

I remember telling my mother I loved her only once, and that was over the phone when I was allowed to call her from here. I never told my father I loved him, though I told him many times how much I hated him. I never got to tell him before he died.

[58corvette]

I am not sure this will help you; but I can try.

I worked at a School District. I personally found for myself I enjoyed working with the Elementary age children the best; (I was Not a Teacher).

For me they are more open, unconditional & receptive. The older Children start dealing with there own issues & start becoming more judgemental & frigid. It is sad; but in many cases true.

I always found it easier & more enjoyable to express myself to them. Even my own Children as they became older. But I know we all need Love, to be told we are Loved & to express it back.

My Dad had a hard time saying I Love You. He died this past January. As he got older I knew he Loved me & he knew I Loved him. So I believe that just you expressing your love for him here; somehow he knew it.

[labrador]

58corvette, my dad is the same way. I cannot remember him ever telling me that he loves me. Maybe it's because he is from a generation where a man was expected to control and not show his emotions. Maybe it was because of his childhood, being the oldest son of a hard working german farmer. Whatever it was, it had and still has a profound effect on our relationship. I think that is why I tell my son that I love him every day at least once. When we visited my dad for the first time in 8 years this past summer, as we were getting ready to leave for home I thanked him for the visit and told him I loved him. He didn't say it back, but I could see something in his eyes that made me feel that even though the words weren't there, the feeling was, and I left feeling better about our relationship. There is alot of baggage between us that keeps us from having a close healthy relationship. My wife's father, on the other hand is a complete opposite and I formed a strong bond with him. About a year before he past away he told me that I should do something about my relationship with my dad. That was the only time he ever said anything to me regarding the disfunction in my family, and it definately affected me. I sometimes wish he was still alive because I felt safe around him and I'm sure I could have talked to him about all the shit I've been going through without the fear of being judged or feeling like a weakling.

My mother,on the other hand is a completely different story. She said something to me when I was in my teens that has stuck with me to this day. She said," I don't have to like you to love you." At the time I took this very hard, but as I aged i realized it was her way of telling me that she didn't understand some of the stuff I was doing and that she couldn't condone it, but despite that she could still love me. Yes we all need to be loved and need to love someone in return. And it's never to late to say those three powerful words.