Victims and Relationships don't mix

[Athena]

I just came across this article and found it resonated with me because I think it's a big part of my problem. Not sure if links are allowed here. I guess I'm about to find out.

http://singleparentsnetwork.com/Articles/Detailed/275.html

[Luna-]

Athena,

We only edit links that are spam or commercial. If something helped you and you think it may help someone else, you are welcome to post it.

[Athena]

It is non-commercial, so I suspect it's OK.

[malign]

Athena, that's what Luna was trying to say. Your link is fine.

{She (and I) are moderators here. There's a list of moderators at the bottom of any of the main forum pages, such as General Support.}

[JaneE]

This is incredibly relevant to me right now, thank you!!!!

I was a victim early on in my relationship (physical and verbal abuse), and can't get out of that "victim" mold though I want to. My husband likes to insist that I am a bad, abnormal, (etc) person and that I "play the victim", "create drama" and "lie" all the time. This is not what I am, do or want at all, but what I feel he wants/needs me to be, even if it's unconscious on his part.

Then he treats me condescendingly and I get my feathers ruffled and I tell him off, which makes him angry, which confuses me... a total vicious cycle. I'm feeling angry and frustrated all the time, and sometimes I "lose it" and shout or slam my door. I try so hard to reach him, but it seems I'm never successful, he can't even see me, or doesn't want to.

The most frustrating thing about my situation is that I'm not treated like an equal, but then I'm criticized for not "acting like a responsible adult". It's maddening!

We're about to start couples counseling, though I'm afraid he'll be able to "create" me to the counselor ...as what he sees me as. I'm afraid I'll just get so confused I won't know what to say. I can communicate in type well, but I'm not great verbally. ^^:;

Jane

[Athena]

I'm glad you found the article helpful. I hope your couples counseling goes well. Don't fight what your heart tells you in the sessions. Be completely open to either option- working on the relationship, or leaving it. Then, whatever you decide will be right.

[goose]

Hi Athena

This struck a chord with me also. Both myself and my husband are 'victims'. I know for the past 22 years I have accommodated and facilitated him. Me as a victim, well I have never spoken up for myself so have allowed myself be victimised.

Through counselling I have begun to assert myself and make my needs known and I feel better for it. I have also tried not to facilitate my husband as a victim. The conclusion I am coming to is that we both entered into this marriage for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately my husband, when I suggested a seperation has been bombarding me with reasons why we should not part - he is unwilling to give up his victim status.

The main reason I feel trapped in this marriage is financial - I am finding it difficult almost impossible to see how we can cope financially running two seperate households.

I feel hopefull for the future when I think of a life apart from him, and the future looks bleak with him.

[Athena]

Goose,

Unfortunately, the financial side is a big deterrent to ending a bad marriage. It took me a lot to get past that, but one day, I woke up and realized my ex would NEVER change. I think my ex and I are both victims as well. The difference is I want out of that role, but as long as I enabled him to keep his victim status, he would never change. He would have driven us into bankruptcy several times over with his spending and lack of work ethic and I would have been doomed to continuing in a high stress job that I hated and which caused me major physical and emotional pain. And my kids would never have a real mother.

Eventually, I became so unhappy I contemplated suicide. Then, I started thinking about money in a different way, ie- you don't need any when you're dead. Now I think of my savings as "If I can't work again, how long can I live till the money runs out?". Well, perhaps that would give me five years. I figure five years of getting my physical and mental health back, being open to a truly loving relationship, doing what I really want, and being there for my kids may put me in a better mindset to go out and find meaningful work. Of course, my retirement savings will be nonexistent but growing old is not currently something I'm contemplating.

So I guess it boils down to how much would you pay for happiness, or for a chance at REAL love in a loving, functional relationship?

Sorry for the morbid parts. I hope you don't get to that stage before you make your decision.

[goose]

Thank you Athena for your reply, you do make some very good points. I spoke about this with my daughter yesterday. She suggested that I wait until the children are no longer a financial 'burden'. But I think that those years would be lost to me.

Because of the laws of this country I would not have to leave the family home until my youngest child is finished education, which could be about 8 years. After that I would have to sell the family home and split the proceeds with my husband. Unfortunately he does not want to spend 8 years renting elsewhere as he calls it 'dead money'. He says he wants to buy somewhere for himself, however this is unrealistic what with our outstanding mortgage and maintenance he will have to pay.

Anyhow we have agreed to leave any discussions about a seperation until after Christmas.

Take care

Goose

[Athena]

It sounds like you are having some needed conversations. That's great. Wow, being able to live in the family home for eight years, all paid for. Allow yourself to be grateful for that! I have already lost my home due to my ex's spendthrift, leeching ways and am living off my savings. The law here says somebody like that gets to continue in that fashion as "that is what you have allowed him to get accustomed to." He didn't even have to sacrifice his career for me, was not a stay at home dad and is qualified to work at an extremely high paying job but chooses not to. I feel like the poster child for some twisted kind of role reversal, except I got stuck doing all the roles. I'm sure that's not what the women's lib movement envisioned! Anyway, I didn't mean to get into my issues.

Don't let your husband browbeat you into somehow giving up what you are entitled to in order to pay for a house for him. If you have been a stay at home Mom, do not have a Post secondary education, and/or have been out of the workforce for many years, then you are entitled to compensation for this. However, if he adores his kids and is used to spending lots of quality time with them, be sensitive to his need to keep that connection with them.

I wish you the best. If you need somebody to talk to about this, feel free to pm me. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!