Snapped [trigger]

[Fox1990]

This morning my mother snapped, she screamed and said awful things to me. In my mind I know she didn't mean a word she said, she was just full of rage. You see, I have the same rage. This morning I snapped back and we physically hurt each other. Although I have seen this rage before it was the first time she actually acted to harm me and me to harm her. I'm 20 and no child, I can handle myself, but this is my mother.

After she left for work I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I felt like digging my own grave, shooting myself in the head, and wasting away in the dirt.

I feel like everything is unraveling even more than usual. I wrote a note this morning, you know, the 'goodbye forever' kind.

I've been stuck in this position for years now, struggling to "get over" past traumatic events. I don't know where to go from here, to be quite honest I'm tired of just trying to emotionally survivie.

[shanrucas]

Fox,,Im so sorry that this has happened, I totally understand the feeling of rage and if your mother has issues as well it must be even more frustrating to put it mildly. Is there a safe place for you to go when things are like this, such as a friends place?

I read your other posts. I know its hard to find a job and everything revolves around money..Im in a similiar situataion. I have fortunately found a pdoc that will accomadate my finacial issues, which I know is lucky. Have you looked to see if there are any therepist that will work on a sliding scale, some do. Im sorry that I can't help you more or if anything I have said has helped. I hope that you are going to be ok. All I can really say is you are not alone and we are here for you. I just wish I could come up with more supportive words for you.

Shannon

[Fox1990]

Thank you shannon for replying. No, i don't have any place to go, to be honest i'm friendless. I have no job, my school has been delayed, so i basically am a hermit in my house.

My mom isn't dangerous, in fact, she is my best friend and we usually get along extremely well! We are both just extremely stressed right now. When you've got two people have rage issues and under a lot of pressure it makes for a bad combination.

I have found a therapist who works on a sliding scale but her closest office is 45 minutes away and my car is not up and running. So, there is somebody i just have to find a way to get there.

Your words did help, i really appreciate them. Thank you so much and the best of luck to you as well.

-Fox

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Fox,

It sounds like you are in a terrible situation. If you had a job I would recommend you move out and get your own place.

Is is possible for you to find a therapist closer to home? Are there any non profit mental health programs near where you live? Those places have a sliding scale fees.

I know you said that these arguments with your mother are not violent but are you fearful that you could get angry enough to hit her? I am not saying you would but are you feaful of that?

Is there any way you can tell if you are going to have an outburst before it happens? Before or afterwards it a good idea to go for a long walk. Exercise is a good way to drain off anger. In fact, more vigorous exercise would be good for you, such as running, etc.

Allan

[Fox1990]

I'm trying to look for a therapist but I live in such a small town that I really don't have the resources. There is a mental hospital but I really don't want to have to do that (I've already been to two).

Yes, I am fearful, I have good reason. I used to hit my brother all the time (he's younger but bigger than me), it's terrible. I feel so guilty afterwards but at the moment I'm in that 'fit' I can't think straight and can't control it.

No, I cannot tell before the outburst. It is completely spontaneous.

Is there any way that I can, i don't know, prevent it somehow?

Thank you, I will take that advice.

-Fox

[randomperson]

Maybe you can learn to spot things that trigger the anger and ease tensions that way. Most people have certain 'hot button' topics or things that hurt them.

[Fox1990]

See, that's what i thought but truly i can't find a trigger. I just get so mad sometimes! I can't explain it. I say and do things that i hate but can't control at that moment. Afterwards i hate myself and the guilt is overwhelming! Not to say that i don't have certains 'buttons' that piss me off, i think everybody does. Thanks for the advice though.

[randomperson]

I'm not sure what you can do to prevent it.. but I do know one thing that will help a lot. When you blow up wait till you calm down, then go back and do a quick to the point apology. Just be careful not to go back into the fight by mistake. It will take away a lot of the guilt and make both you and the other person feel better about it.

[Fox1990]

That's a good idea. I think sometimes I try to justify the anger and the actions that couple with it, so the idea of apologizing enrages me even more. I do get to the point I can apologize though, i'm working on the quickness :-D

[IrmaJean]

Hello, Fox. I'm sorry you've been struggling.

Regarding the anger, one thing you might do is try practicing some self-awareness with this. I know you've said you don't recognize any specific triggers, but maybe you can glean some clues by asking yourself some questions. Do the rages seem to come out of nowhere? Are you interacting with others when it happens? Do they happen more in interactions with specific people or doesn't it matter who you're with? Feel anything else before, during or after you feel anger? Even if you can come to recognize sooner that this is about to happen, you can take steps to alleviate the discomfort for everyone. I agree that stepping back and taking a breath might help you calm you down. If you've experienced some past trauma, the anger might well run very deep. I hope there is some way for you to talk to a professional and get some support and help through this. Take care.

[randomperson]

That's a good idea. I think sometimes I try to justify the anger and the actions that couple with it, so the idea of apologizing enrages me even more. I do get to the point I can apologize though, i'm working on the quickness :-D

It takes a lot of strength and courage to do a heart felt apology because in a sense you are admitting you were wrong and that you have flaws to someone else.. it takes a certain level of self acceptance in a way to admit to yourself it is ok to not be perfect, but you will be surprised how much good it does.

It might even help with your anger over time

[Fox1990]

I think that is what gets me; the admitting I was wrong part. I do find myself improving, it's just taking me years to do it. Lol.

Thanks again :-)

[Athena]

You mentioned you have been to one or two mental hospitals. Can you get referred to a therapist by one of them? That's how I found my current one.

[Fox1990]

The hospital i went to here was a joke. they didn't ask me why i was upset or anything. they subscribe pills and sent me on my way. they prescribed me Risperdol and i'm not even Schizophrenic! My mom says if i get much worse though (suicide) then she is going to take me to a different hospital. I really don't want to go though..ya know? those places aren't fun, escecially county hospital.

it's scary o_O

[malign]

The following is from the U.S. National Institutes of Health:

"Risperidone is used to treat the symptoms of schizophrenia ... . It is also used to treat episodes of mania (frenzied, abnormally excited, or irritated mood) or mixed episodes (symptoms of mania and depression that happen together) in adults and in teenagers and children 10 years of age and older with bipolar disorder (manic depressive disorder; a disease that causes episodes of depression, episodes of mania, and other abnormal moods)."

In other words, it works on things other than schizophrenia.

When I checked myself into the hospital following an aborted suicide attempt, they gave me Geodon, another anti-psychotic. Was I psychotic? No. Quite lucid, in fact, or I wouldn't have checked myself in. But Geodon also acts as a mood stabilizer, and I definitely needed that, at the time.

Just some info. Like with most psychotropic medications, everyone's reaction is different.

[Fox1990]

Ok, well that makes me feel a bit better then. It does make sense, i should have done my research a little better instead of taking their word for it.

Thanks Malign.

[malign]

Yeah, I felt a little uncomfortable when the doc told me that he was using the Geodon off-label, that it was approved as an anti-psychotic. After all, we both knew I wasn't psychotic. But ... it seemed to work. It took the edge off (as did a week in the hospital). In my case, with approval of my outside physician, I discontinued it successfully, and now I don't take anything. I also wouldn't hesitate to go back on medication, if I felt like I needed it. I have been on ordinary anti-depressants, as well, at various times.

Amusingly, if I had to pin down what helped me the most, it was separating from my wife. Oh, and I've also attended anger management classes, at one point, because I would get so angry at her. {No one took into account the things she used to call me ...}

[Fox1990]

The hospital i was in, they didn't tell you what you were put on. If you annoyed them they would threaten to shoot you up with something and strap you to a bed.

I was on an anti-psychotic, a heavy tranquilizer, something for depression, and another to help with my jaw and muscles looking because of the anti-psychotic

o_O

I have no outside doctor, i stopped following up with hospital, and i took myself off the meds which was hella hard. I have noticed a difference without the medication.

Of course they didn't take in account the things she said to you, why would they? it's all your fault, right? Bunch of bullshit if you ask me.

I need anger managment, like in a big way, well, you read the original post.

[malign]

Of course they didn't take in account the things she said to you, why would they?

Well, to be fair, I probably wasn't aware enough of the effects, myself. I didn't talk about it much: I thought it wouldn't help, because it felt like trying to blame someone else, and I couldn't see any alternatives to staying married.

But really, it was that feeling that there were no alternatives that got me suicidal in the first place. There are always alternatives ...

Yah, I read most posts. :-) Not all of them in depth, but I did see that you had had trouble with anger.

I can see that your experiences have made you a bit suspicious of the medical profession. I guess I've always been the opposite, or at least willing to let them try. I do think you might benefit from asking a doctor you trust (if there is such a thing) about the things you see. I can imagine all sorts of things that could cause a person to see spots (high blood pressure comes to mind, and it would tend to accompany rage) ... I know that I'm not qualified to say what someone else is suffering from ... All any of us can do, on here, is to support each other in getting our needs met.

[Fox1990]

Are you happier now that you're not with your wife? Was that the main event that caused you to want to commit suicide?

I am suspicious. I feel like they don't want to help me anyway. You see, i'm also a type 1 diabetic and i've got some heart troubles. I haven't seen a endo (diabetic) doc for over 6 years because i can't afford it. Do you think they care? Big FAT no.

I don't know, my mom says she's going to take to a different hospital if i get too out of control. Maybe they can help me there...

Yes, thanks Malign for all of your advice and support.

-Fox