how could i let it happen again (may trigger)

[tash28]

I went to someones house party after the pub in october of last year. My old house mate was there. (he raped me when I lived with him years ago) I didnt know he was there until I was in the bathroom. I went to walk out the bathroom and he pushed me back into the bathroom up against the wall.

I have been so messed up since I ended up walking out in front of a car trying to kill myself. I have been put on medication but that does not help.(written in privous post) Im having to live it again and just dont think i have the strenth to go through this again. Im drinking each day to block this out, I cant see any1 as scared they will know something is wrong, scared to tell anyone as they will think its my fault for letting it happen again.

Im sorry cant write anything else it hurts to much this pain is to much to handle again

[Kaskade]

Hey tash,

Sorry to hear you are hurting so much right now. You've been traumatized and that's really tough to work through. I know I have enjoyed reading your posts and you have been a real asset here so hang in there. You don't have to go through all the pain alone, share it here and we'll help you get through it.

*hugs*

- Kaskade -

[shanrucas]

Tash, what this person (I use the term loosely) has done to you is not your fault! You did not let it happen again, he saw the oppertunity and took it, you did not have a choice, you did whatever you could to survive it and there for you did the right thing. Weather or not you tell anyone is certainly your choice, but I urge you to talk to someone you can trust about this.

I use to work with victims' of sexual assault and all would blame themselves for letting it happen. I would always tell them you are alive so you did the right thing, its not always a good thing to fight back sometimes the offender is hoping for this and thats how some victims get killed.

I know, I am a survivor of sexual assault as well and also blamed myself for what he did to me.

Shannon

[tash28]

Took a cocktail of drugs last night hoping not to wake. I wake this morning to still feel the pain, the hurt and to still feel numb. Why if there is a god wont he let this end, all this could all end today.

[shanrucas]

TASH! talk to us, don't let the pain of life win out, you are strong please, please keep talking to us.

[chatterbox512]

Tash,

You can do it, be a winner, chose life over the pain. I know it is hard. Have you called a sexual assault hotline, or even a suidice hotline?? We are here for you. Don't let this win....

YOU DID NOT ASK FOR THIS and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Did you report this to the police. AS hard as it probrably is for you to do, it would be a good thing to at least make the report so that there are eyes out there watching for him. Call a friend.

[tash28]

Im sorry I have not been feeling to well today. Been feeling tired and weak. Im not sure if i can re live all this again it hurts to much I cant tell anyone. Last time I told a therapist about the first time he abused I had to go into great detail and it messed me up so much I ended up drinking every night, getting into all sorts of drugs, getting arrested and nearly losing my job. I was a mess cant do it again I just want it to end. I want the doctors to give me some sleeping pills so I can just sleep until the pain is gone. I know this cant happen as when I wake the pain will still be there. It would just be easier not to live with this pain anymore.

I sweared to myself I would never let this happen again. When he was stood in front of me I just froze and was shaking. My legs were like jelly I couldnt move or scream. Why didnt I fight him off. I cant live this again.

[shanrucas]

Tash...don't beat yourself up because you didn't fight him off. He took advantage of your fear. Besides, if you fought him, who knows it could of ended up worse, he could of really hurt you or worse yet. Please, please at least talk to someone who works with sexual assault victims', they know how you feel, they will believe you and they won't force you into giving details about what happened, you don't even have to tell them who the offender is.

In most cases of rape the victim knows the attacker, and a majority of victims don't report. In talking to a sexual assault advocate they won't force you to report, you don't even have to tell them who you are. Please consider doing this, its to much to be holding in, let someone help you PLEASE.

I am thinking of you,,Shannon

[tash28]

Thank You

I will consider talking to a sexual assault advocate as Im not going to tel my family or friends. Last time I told my parents I seen how much hurt and pain it caused them when I told them. I will need to talk about the assault in my own time not feel rushed and like they have got a time limit on how long they have to speak to each person. This is what happened last time and I felt I was just a number on a bit of paper and that what I was saying didnt really matter.

Sometimes I do wish he had killed me after the attack then I would not have to live this again. I know I have a very long way to go but at least I have made a start by writing it on here. I am not sure if I will be able to live with this for the rest of my life. I am very good at running away from things and hiding away and not letting people in.

I cant cry anymore I feel so numb.

[shanrucas]

Tash, I know it was hard for you to even tell us, but you did and I am proud of you for doing so, it takes a lot of strength to open up even just a little bit about this. Thats why I and chatterbox suggested a sexual assault hotline of some sort. you can still remain anonimous as long as you need and only talk about what you are ready for. You can go from there but they will be there for you and this is what they do. This is a start, in fact you made on giant leep. We are here for you too. Take care of yourself, you matter and you are important.

Shannon

[tash28]

I am going to go to the doctors first thing tomorrow to see if the doctor can give me some sleeping pills and to ask for some more pain killers for my broken arm as I took the whole lot the other night.

Then if I feel as if I can Im going to go to this place called SALT. SALT is a charity who help people who have suffered sexual abuse. They do a drop in service which I may try and do tomorrow. Or if I dont do the drop in I can telephone them.

I am so scared. I just want it to be over sometimes.

[shanrucas]

I know you are scared, your not alone, I will be with you in spirit holding your hand, it sounds like a good plan Im glad you are contacting them.

Shannon

[chatterbox512]

Hey Tash,

I am also with you!! You can do this. You need to take care of yourself, it doesn't matter about anyone else!! Just remember that, it is for YOU!! YOU are important and deserve to be happy and free from pain.

GOOD LUCK CHICA!! Let us know how it goes!!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Tash,

You seem to be blaming yourself for the rape and assault. That is common in situations like this. However, why not turn your anger against this guy? For example, when he pushed you into the wall in the bathroom, what stopped you from calling the police?

It is worrisome that you are taking pills and using alcohol to block out the pain and not wake up. I do not have to tell you that this is suicidal behavior. How are you feeling now? Are you safe? I am worried that you are asking the MD for more pain killers. Pain killers and alcohol will only make you feel worse.

Yes, I think its good that you are plan to go to a group for women who have experienced the same thing.

Are you OK? Will you stop the drinking and the pills?

We care about you and want you to be safe. We want to protect you and hope you will protect yourself.

Allan

[Luna-]

For example, when he pushed you into the wall in the bathroom, what stopped you from calling the police?

Allan ... If I may say so ... I don't think it's fair to ask Tash this question. HE stopped her from calling the police, she was cowed, she was afraid. "When he was stood in front of me I just froze and was shaking. My legs were like jelly I couldnt move or scream." She is already asking herself "why did I let this happen" and I am concerned that asking her what stopped her getting help will only make her feel even worse. I hear that you say she should direct her anger outwards as she is not to blame, but I fear the question will only make her feel more guilty and powerless. Tash dear, you did what you had to do to survive through it. You were violated, you didn't "let it happen". I hope you can get some in-person support with this.

[tash28]

I went to the doctors today she has given me a small amount of sleeping pills. Im to take them for the next couple of days then only take as and when needed. Im not to take them evry night as they are addictive.

I did try to go to the SALT centre. I got so close but could do the final bit. I flt horrible and I was going to pass out, my head was light headed and I felt dizzy. I just couldnt do it.

I didnt report it to the police as I didnt want to relive it all, If I have to explain in detail it will feel like it is happening again, I just couldnt do it, then there would be all the medical examination that I would have to go through. I just could not face this.

After it all happened all I wanted to do was get on with my life act like nothing had happened. I went to work, I went up to my horses, and I even went out for drinks with friends but I would always turn nasty after a drink. Couldnt control my anger. I have really upset my friends with my anger but still they are being supportive that just makes me feel so guilty. It is a mess and Im not sure how long I can live like this. Think I need to get away on my own for a while.

[malign]

Tash, is this event the reason you came to us in the first place? I noticed you joined in November ...

There is no reason that you have to go into great detail, with a therapist. You choose what you tell them. But I notice that you blamed all your troubles, after the first time, on your therapy rather than on being raped.

I know that a lot of survivors feel like it would be better to pretend it never happened. The problem is, that ignores the needs of the part of you than remembers ... It ends up splitting you into the privileged part that manages to forget, and the part that will always remember. It allows one part of you to blame another part of you for something you couldn't have prevented, no matter what you did.

What therapy attempts to do is to put those pieces together, so that you can fight it with all of you.

[tash28]

Yes it is why I joined this forum. I have written little bits about what has been happening in my life slowly on this Forum. I find it very hard to talk about what has happened in the years. I have always been a listener not a talker.

Right here goes I will start from the begining.

I got into the wrong group as I was growing up and got into drink and drugs at a early age. My parents didnt like my partying every night etc so I decided to move out. I moved into this house with 5 men and 1 female. It was one big party most nights. This is when one of my house mates sexually assaulted me. (not just once) I carried on with life as normal as possible and no one really picked up on it for a few months until I started using heroin and self harming. I can remember my friends came to visit me once and they cryed and asked me to get help as I was killing myself. At the time I laughed it off and said there is nothing wrong with me it was everyone else I was just having fun. I lost my job as I hit someone as my temper got the better off me. This always happened and all my friends etc were scared off me come the end. This was then the first time I took an over dose. I ended up in hospital and then I had an assessment and was asked to stay in hospital. I refused returned home and took another lot of pills and told no one as all I wanted was to fall asleep and never wake up. The next morning I just lived my life as I always did get drunk and take drugs. My parents had been told about my behaviour and self harming and asked me to move back home and get the right help. I moved back home and didnt do any drugs apart from weed. I smoked that everyday and drunk a bottle of vodka. I couldn't change that as that was the only thing that kept me going.

I got another job and moved in with a best friend. She use to drink a lot and smoke a lot of weed so we got on just fine up until she wanted to give it all in and didnt want me to do it anymore. Because I couldnt speak about what had happened this was the only way that helped me through the day. Couldnt go a day without a smoke or a drink. I opened up to my friend and told her about me being sexually assaulted and she said that I prob asked for it and that if I was not always off my head on drugs or drink then I prob would have been able to stop it. It made me worst the self harming got worst. My legs,arms and belly were all cut. My friend walked in on me once when I was cutting my legs she witnessed it and pinned me to the bed to stop me from self harming this made me worst and I was crying and screaming had no control over myself. I had had a drink in the evening and jumped into my car. I crashed my car into 4 parked cars and ended up arrested. I spent 15 hours locked up it was horrible. I was not allowed out until I had seen the doctor as told police I wanted to kill myself. After seeing the doctor Iwas allowed out. Soon as I got home I locked my bedroom door and took an over dose. My friend kicked the bedroom door in and called for an ambulance. Iwent to hospital had an assessment and was told I had Bi polar 2 disorder. They asked me to stay in hospital so they could do more assessments. I said I was ok and they let me go. The whole time I felt so alone and I just wanted to die.

After about another 6 months of this my friend and I had a massive fight and police were called. Cut a long story short I moved out of the house the next day and went back to live with my parents.

I am off the drugs now but still drink.

I went to a house party and thats when this attack happened in oct.

I hope this makes sence to you. I have found this so hard to write and in tears as I was writing.

[malign]

Well, thank you for having the courage to share that with us, Tash.

It is not, in fact, possible for someone to bring multiple sexual assaults "on themselves". To me, it even seems possible that such a description was how your best friend might have been coping with having been assaulted herself. I have often heard similar self-blame from survivors ...

Does it often happen to you that you feel alone even among people who are trying to help? I also wonder what you relationship is with your parents, now. It would be nice if there were people around who knew what had happened (at least the first time) and wanted to help you. Even if it does make you feel guilty ... You have a right to the anger you feel, and you have the right to take it out on the person who deserves it (and that isn't you.)

[tash28]

My parents would do anything for me to make me happy. They are the best. I dont spend much time with them as I spend most of my time on my own depending on how I am feeling.

I have one friend that I trust that I do try to tell her what happened but everytime I try to speak about it I cant and then I end up pretending everything is ok. She knows something is not right as the last time we went out she got cought up in my anger but still the next day she is really nice to me that just makes me feel guilty. She has said she will never be around me again when I have had a drink and to be honest I dont want her to have to take my abuse as not fair on her.

I am planning on getting help but I am so scared.

At the moment I need a break from feeling this way so thats why I have managed to get some sleeping pills from the doctor. This will help keep me calm as it causes drowsiness.

[malign]

I'm glad you do have people on your side, Tash. I hope you allow yourself to lean on them. Something very difficult happened to you, more severe than breaking a leg, say. If you were hurt physically, you wouldn't hesitate to ask for help from your loved ones, right? I know it's different, but it's also similar.

Good friends are also a big help. It's complicated by what the other friend said, but there's no reason to believe that you'd get that reaction again.

And I know you're scared. Who wouldn't be? But I also believe you have the strength to get the help you need.

One caution: sleeping pills aren't designed for anxiety; there are anxiety medications for that. You won't be able to "sleep through" this. And, you know that a part of you would be willing to abuse the sleeping pills, possibly to the point of suicide. The important thing is getting you through this in one (recognizable) piece. Okay?

[Athena]

Tash,

Your story has made me so, so angry and so, so sad for you. I think guys like that should be castrated, and suffer humiliation every time they go to the bathroom. Better yet, castrated with a bunch of rape victims watching. Or how about castrated and STONED to death, with rape victims throwing the stones? That would be sweet justice. OK, OK - in my dreams. We ARE allowed our fantasies!

Is there any way you can write down or videotape a statement and for that to be enough for the cops/lawyers/court system? Does the system still force women to relive the trauma to the point where these men get off scott free?

Have any rape victims here in the community ever reported the crime and truly got justice? I hope so, I hope they can offer you words of encouragement. You deserve that. And you deserve to find somebody who has succeeded in putting this type of guy away, to give you some hope. I have been feeling victimized lately, for different reasons. I realized that what makes me so angry is that I am playing the role of victim. I would feel so much better if I had some POWER. And I think the only way you get your personal power back is to fight and stand up for yourself, gather up an army to back you up and not let the guy win for the rest of his life. I hope some of this gives you some strength.

[tash28]

Thank you luna I have only just read your thead didnt see your reply Im so sorry.

I am finding some strenght to get through each day but it is very tiring.

Thank you athena, all the guys that have been replying to my thread has given me great support, they have so far got me through this.

Im really not sure about the police, I dont want my family knowing details. I told them about it once and said he raped me and I could see the hurt and anger in their faces. I have never seen them like that. It broke my mum to know that. So Im not sure if I could put us all through going to the police.

I phoned SALT today. They are a group for people who have been sexually assaulted. It took me a while to dial the number as each time I dialed the number I would hang up again. But I did it and when they spoke I just needed up in tears and couldnt speak. They were so calm and patient with me. They said I need to go into the centre for an assessment with one of their team. This is to make sure that they can offer me the right support and if not then they will put me in contact with the right people. I have booked an assessment in a couple weeks time. They said they do individual sessions where I can talk to 2 of the team on my own but this takes some time to arrange due to the amount of women there are using the service but they advised me to use the drop in service while waiting. They also do group sessions that I can have. Im not to sure about using this yet as Im not sure I would be able to cope with a lot of people around me.

[tash28]

Really cant sleep tonight. So much stuff going on in my mind I just cant switch off. Run out of sleeping pills already. I dont want to remember anymore. I want it all to stop. Why cant the pain, hurt, anger, upset just go now. Please

[Athena]

I'm so sorry you can't sleep. Nighttime can be the worst time. No activities to distract you from your pain. Sometimes I try to fantasize about a good dream I'd like to have. If I can hold my attention on that just long enough to fall asleep, it works. Every once in a while, I get the good dream, too! Or I hold my breath and count to 30 or so, then let it out slowly. Focusing on your breathing is the usual advice to calm yourself, but if you're too wound up, the other seems to work. Perhaps blowing up balloons would have the same effect - make yourself just dizzy enough that your brain stops racing. Anyway, just some stuff I tried last night, besides crying and other stuff that didn't work so isn't worth mentioning.