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fighting the urge to run


shanrucas
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Today should of been a good day, I got to spend a little extra time with my horses and got to ride them around the arena, not out in the great opened as I would want...but still. As I was riding I had an urge to open the gate and just ride off to the wooded trails and keep going and never come back

As I was putting the up and feeding them, my thoughts turned to the freedom I once felt, riding out at the beach and over dunes through trails covered by a canopy of trees that when the sunlight showed through it would cast such beautiful colors you ever imagined, I would spend hours at there. Maybe I am grieving over a life lost, I don't know.

I am home now, and the urge is still with me, I am fighting it with all I have. I look at the door and think how easy it would be just to open it and walk out and just keep going and going. I have the feeling of just wanting to run and run till I can't run anymore. I know I can't do this, I have to take care of my mom, there is no one else, and I would never endanger her. but I want to run away sooo bad.

I can't cry and longer, I am tired of crying been doing so for two days straight. I just want it all to change, I want a life that is for me, I don't want to be great daughter anymore. I want to be me, I want those who walkup to me and ask how I am...and not hows your mother anymore I want it for myself...I know this sounds terrible, but I can't fine myself anymore, I don't know where she stops and I begin. I just want to run and run.

I have such a big hole in my heart and the pain is unbearable. I don't know I will get through the night let alone the weekend.

Those of you who read this can reply or not its not mandatory, I just had to express my pain and Im not sure I did that well all .

Need Freedom

Shannon

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I'm here too. It is SOOOOO understandable that you feel this way. You are making a huge sacrifice, of course it will be too much at times.

Are you burning out? Maybe when you feel more on top of things, you can tell your mom you're exhausted and you really need her to be taken care of in a home for short periods, so you can rest? When I worked in a geriatric ward we would get people in for respite care for a week or two, then they'd go home again. It worked out well and it wasn't like they lived there permanently. It may be a part-solution?

I'm so sorry you're crying. :) I know that kind of crying, straight for a long time, it totally empties you. I hope it wears itself out and you can give yourself some comfort. My heart goes out to you ...

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Shannon

I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I am a carer and I love my job (support people with learning disabilities and challenging behaviours) so I know how tiring it can get but al least I can go home and rest. I can only imagine how hard it could be for someone who has to care for their family 24/7.

I do hope there is help in your area. Like everyone else said try and find out if they is respite care in your area then you can get a break.

Thinking of you

Take care

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You know Shannon I Truly Hope everything all works out well for you in the end. I think it's important for you to know that you are a very good, Kind Hearted & well meaning person. Not only to your Dear Mom but everyone else who has been touched by your presence. Me Especially.

For me over the last few days I have become a little more Leary & Careful about expressing myself, replying or other feelings of all of our True Nature.

Whatever it may be. Happiness, Sadness, Anger, Hurt, Lonliness, the need to be Loved, Accepted, recognised; many other Feelings & Emotions.

And for me there is both good & bad to all of this. I have learned a few things about People, Situations, words. But now im a bit hesitant & the sad part of that is it's pretty much like the Outside Real World. I guess I thought it would be a little different here. But People are People.

Over the last few days My Son has not been doing well at all. Im not going to go into specifics publicly; I think because now as i said I feel a bit more violated & leary.

But do I feel the Need to Run & Be Free myself of this Burden & just be able to be myself again; You Bet.

Do Me One Big Favor Dear Shannon; Make it through this weekend so we both can Continue to Help Each Other Out & See & Feel Brighter Days ahead.

Always The Very Best To You Dear Shannon.

Most Sincerely; Jim

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Thanks to all for the encouraging words, today is a new day, although I only got a couple of hours sleep, its beginning to be hard to tell when the day begins and ends, they all run together, I have to look at the calendar constantly to see what day it really is.

Respite care is one of the first things I have looked into, but was told since mom has her retirement income it would be out of pocket expense which is around 130.00 a day. the only way medicare would pay is if she had to go in somewhere for rehabilitation from sort of procedure or something, respite does not fall under these conditions. so there you are,,,there is one shot assistance from various fund raiser agency, one time to pay for heating, one shot in paying electric bill and such. When my head is clear, I do my best to continue to search for a solution. Of course, we could continue to burn away her assets than state would take over everything incuding house.

So you see I feel very stuck. I am still exhausted and still wanting to run away, still crying as I begin the day. But I do appreciate all the response I have recieved. My "outside" friends seem to have forgotten about me lately, all involved in there own lives.....boy does that sound like a pity party or what.

I made it through the night without running, but today has just started. the urge ever so strong. I just want to disappear.

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I am still feeling somewhat ill and out of it. I did my best today to 'snap" out of it. when mom was sleeping quietly I sneaked and took the dogs out for a very short walk, when I realized that feeling of not wanting to turn back I did. I have to be responsible. It was sunny out and I thought that would it help. but I am back in the cave and her complaining continues,no matter what I do it doesn't help it just continues like she's have hallucinations. I went out side to my truck and just let it ripp, I screamed and I cried. I tried to keep the bad thoughts out. some of them really scared me. Sitting in my truck realizing how easy I could bring it all to an end, and the end of pain.

I don't want to isolate myself buy I think I am making it worse. I am terrified in posting on my original thread and want to so much, I want things like they were, here and everywhere.

God I am so tired and I want it to end. I don't care how I just want it to.

I feel shut of from the world and all I can do is watch it go by.

Shannon

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I really, really want it to all end, I really really want to be free of this prison I have been in for seven years. If I am going to loose it all now, I wish I would, I want it to be over. I looked and looked and I am told I don't fit the criteria for the help thats outhere...I am so serious I want it to end.

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apparently we were posting here at the same time, my most recent thread was a pretty desparate one. I apologize to anyone who it my have triggered.

Maybe you are your right I don't know maybe I was triggered and reacted but I think I was holding down so much ugliness in my heart for so many years that it exploded out and it hasn't stopped yet, I still haven't eaten much or slept for that matter, I wish I could of afforded the seroquel the doctor perscribed but it was over $300. so that was a no go.

thank you Linda and all the others for you concerns, I am sure I will be back to posting as soon as I can think better, I feel just a bit suicidal now and don't think it would be a good idea for me to try to support others. I would like to continue on my orignal thread and on yours no matter whose there or not.

thanks Linda

Shannon

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Please No Matter What You are Feeling Shannon you Continue to Post Wherever & Whenever You Want. If it is On your Original Post "DO IT". Everyone there is always Glad your There & will Support you.

Just expressing & Letting it All Out is A Beginning. Continue to Express & be You.

Do It For Yourself & All Of Us That Care.

Sincerely; ME : )

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I'm still here CantGiveItAway, kinda, keep popping in and out wondering if I should post anything or not. I am really confused at the moment,my emotions are out of control and I am fighting against disturbing thoughts...If I thought I could, I would go to the hospital and check myself in, but I don't have anyone to stay with mom and I am more afraid of what would happen to her if I were to stay away for more than a day. So I am trying to do what I can to hold it together, I keep going out to my truck to let it all out so I won't distress my mom. Its already been a long night. I am not sure if I was triggered by something or what it was...I just think it was over do. I have been holding in the rage and anger for seven years now. I know this is not good, and it might kill me yet.

Thanks for checking in though

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Linda, I think you must know me better than I thought you did, you saw something happening in me that I didn't consider till early this morning and then I saw your post. It has been years since my PTSD has been triggered that I had forgot what it was like.

I now realize that the angry postings, even though they were not directed at me must of set me off and put in defensive mode. My ex who battered me would always start out with angry words at whoever and then it would turn on me in a mental or physical form. I reacted into defense mode, it also set off into rapid cycleing,,kinda which came first the chicken or the egg.

Anyway, I am still a bit shakey and am hoping mom will be easier on me today, If I get a chance and she gets comfortable amd of ot os another sunny day, gonna sneak out and walk the dogs again, Im not gone llong, I tell mom I will only be a long as it takes me to take a shower.

Now that the issue has been identified I hope to work through it faster now.

(({{Linda)))

Shannon

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Wow Linda, that song expressed everything I was feeling, I thank you for sending it to me. I will probably be playing off and on for awhile as a reminder.

Just before I saw this post I was thinking how would be the best way to face this terrorizing fear I was feeling, I mean I havn't had a PTSD moment in so long. Thank you again for identifying it for me.

Love, Shannon

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