julietteK Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Hey everyone! I am new to this but need some support urgently. My life has been a living nightmare some years back because of some very traumatic events that happened to me. Now just when it looked like it was about to turn into a fairytale it all came crumbling again. I am really struggling at the moment. I am not eating or sleeping properly, I cry all the time and yesterday I was trying to punish myself big time with my behavior. It physically hurts. It is all because of a man. It is pathetic I know that but what he did to me triggered me so deeply and brought back all the hopelessness from my past trauma. It was as if I was reliving it. Flashbacks and everything. So as I said I am in distress. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I am seriously in pain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 .................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks Linda for the welcoming. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning and time just doesn't pass. I have done a lot of searching. I know exactly what triggers me and why. It has to do with sexual intimacy. Certain situations just push me to my limits and what happened recently was extremely triggering. I just don't have any control of it. I know I am not flawed and damaged goods. My brain knows that but my subconscious obviously disagrees. I am in a very bad place right now. My thoughts are out of control. I am sorry you also suffer from PTSD. What do you do to get rid of the flashbacks? Thanks for your reply Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 .................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 No, I don't really journal. I usually try not to dwel but lately it is impossible. I did a very reckless thing yesterday and that's when I realize I need help. The appointment tomorrow is with the local rape crisis center. I hope they can help me. I have had two similar incidents with men since the rape, same there, flashbacks, nightmares...but I feel this time something died inside of me. For the first time in my life I thought I knew he was the one. I was so careful. The man knew everything about the rape and how I felt. We were really close friends before and dated for two months. I wasn't even in love with him, he made me fall in love and then we had a horror move level horrifying first sexual experience and since then it has been a rollercoaster where we hurt each other but can't let go. I literally was transported back to the rape when the guy said and did some things. He made me feel like a piece of meat. I have been having all these symptoms ever since. I guess writing about it helps but I think the best thing is the interaction with people in forums. I find it helps. I just have to hang on till tomorrow. I am really scared of my thoughts. I fantasize about harming myself all the time even though I don't intent to. I want things to be right again. I will be heading to bed soon. It's night time this side of the pond. But I'll stick around as I am really scared of myself right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 No, I don't really journal. I usually try not to dwel but lately it is impossible. I did a very reckless thing yesterday and that's when I realize I need help. The appointment tomorrow is with the local rape crisis center. I hope they can help me. I have had two similar incidents with men since the rape, same there, flashbacks, nightmares...but I feel this time something died inside of me. For the first time in my life I thought I knew he was the one. I was so careful. The man knew everything about the rape and how I felt. We were really close friends before and dated for two months. I wasn't even in love with him, he made me fall in love and then we had a horror move level horrifying first sexual experience and since then it has been a rollercoaster where we hurt each other but can't let go. I literally was transported back to the rape when the guy said and did some things. He made me feel like a piece of meat. I have been having all these symptoms ever since. I guess writing about it helps but I think the best thing is the interaction with people in forums. I find it helps. I just have to hang on till tomorrow. I am really scared of my thoughts. I fantasize about harming myself all the time even though I don't intent to. I want things to be right again. I will be heading to bed soon. It's night time this side of the pond. But I'll stick around as I am really scared of myself right now. Also thanks so much for your words! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 23, 2011 Report Share Posted January 23, 2011 ................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Hi Linda. Thanks for being concerned. I was frankly very frightened with myself last night. I saw the therapist today and she wishes to refer me to a psychiatrist to evaluate whether I will need any medication or not and she certainly wants me to go to intensive therapy in order to stabilize. It was a huge blow I received. she doesn't want to risk me getting worse. I can say that it did help somewhat. I am a lot calmer now than I was yesterday or most of last week. It still hits me though at how unfair it all was, how pointless and how I could have gotten it so wrong. Maybe at some point I will post the whole story. I need to resolve the present situation if I am to move forward and I really need to do this with dignity. Clearly I am not capable of taking the right decisions right now so maybe talking to people will help me do what's best. What about medication? I have taken some years ago when I had a nervous breakdown but felt it didn't really help much. And wouldn't it be preferable if the problem was solved instead? What if things are fine while medicated but fall apart when the course finishes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 .......................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 24, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Hey Linda. Thanks so much for still being here. The thread you are talking about sounds like something I would like to read. Where would I find it? I do want to share my story but I am scared it would be too long. I think I'll do it as a form of journaling, maybe if I write everything down I can make some sense. It is deeper than just the betrayal of a man. No man is worth dying over. It is the feeling that I was given a glimpse of how wonderful my life could be only to be taken away abruptly. If I can not trust him who can I trust? He was aware of my past, he had tried to help me deal with it. In fact i kept telling him I am completely over it but he believed I still had issues. Then he did the one thing that would shoot me in the head and for no good reason at all. It has to do with trust and intimacy and I wish I could forget about that night but I can't. I honestly thought I was over it. I wonder where all this nastiness was hidden inside me. Anyway, can you please point me to the thread? I've been reading a lot of stories and it is so sickening that there is so much hurt in the world. Life should be that difficult. I will write a little of my story on word and see how I feel about sharing as it is too long and complicated. Once again thanks for the welcome. it is nice to have some support. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 ................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 Hi Juliette, My name is Shannon, Linda sent me because I had the PTSD monster take me by total surprise. I hadn't had an episode with it that intense for over 20years or so. So I thought it had been something I had finally worked through in my life....wrong. Boy did I ever go off, Linda saw it first in me and pointed it out. I went into a fight and flight mode like I have never felt before. The urge to run was intense.Linda had mentioned that you may want to read those posts, they started in "Quest for My Normal" in the bipolor section, I also posted in the urgent forum when things really went bad. But having good friends here helped immensly, once it was identified I was able to start putting the pieces back together, still a bit shakey though.Hang in there, we are here for youShannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks Shannon for welcoming me and sharing your trauma with me. It does sound familiar this fight/flight mode. I was doing really great too. I almost had everything I had ever wished for. It's an awful feeling when the world suddenly stops being right for no good reason at all. I know I need to settle this before moving on but do you ever feel like you can't trust yourself to make the right decision to act? And even moving on, I know it is possible, I've done it before but I can't imagine how I can dare to hope again when every time that I do something like this happens. And it is also not easy with both my best friends pregnant and blissful. I can't burden them with any of this and of course I can't help feel a bit jealous (not in a bad way, they deserve the best. I am really happy for them I just wish that for once I would be able to partake in the joy). I hope you are feeling better Shannon. I really appreciate the welcome. The person writing here is so radically different from the person I once was and it took me years to rebuild everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Good morning Juliette, I am starting to get things back together, except I went into a rapid cycle of mania right after. For me Identifying the trigger helped me work through it, its when I don't know what set it off I have trouble. It does take time depending on the extent which were triggered, but eventually you will and can work through it, part of doing this is talking it out, either with your therapist, if you have one, other than that we are here and will listen to you. Getting it out will hopefully be of some help.I understand not wanting to burden you friends, I often feel the same way, and yes I get a little envious of their lives as well. So see you are not alone.Shannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hey Shannon. I missed your post. I blame the time difference. I hope you are getting better. Seems like you have been through a lot from what I have been reading. I have done some very deep soul searching and know EXACTLY what triggers me. I can still not control it even though I identify it as a trigger. You see a few years back when I was twenty two I was kidnapped and raped. I thought I had it under control but apparently I didn't. A lot of things went wrong and I went through a phase of promiscuity and it left deeper scars than the rape itself because I was allowing these disgusting men to use me. Whenever I get the feeling a man is treating me like a sex object I completely lose it. That is the only trigger. The one thing that makes me flip. This time was especially bad, like the ultimate betrayal. I'll go into details about him later. I don't want to write huge posts. They are difficult to read. So, how are you feeling today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 I wish you the best. Right now just focus on whatever you can to feel better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thank you randomperson (maybe not that random?) I am doing my best. I think tomorrow I will post for specific advice on a specific situation that is going on right now concerning the person responsible for my trigger (yep, still in the picture. probably just as sick as I am)Once again thank you everyone for welcoming me. I was in deep crisis when I stumbled here. Not sure if it is over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted January 25, 2011 Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Take care of yourself. Anytime you need to talk there are people that are good listeners in this forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted January 26, 2011 Report Share Posted January 26, 2011 How are you doing today? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 Hi Randomperson.Thank you for checking up on me.That is very sweet of you. I am trying to cope. I have suffered a similar crisis three years ago and I know that it will take at least a week or two to stabilize. I made up my mind that whatever pills the doctor wants to prescribe tomorrow I will take them. Whatever I can to feel better. It's just that I have done some rather extreme things lately and need time to get over everything. The issue is what happens next. I know I will pull through, I have done it before but what then? My trust is gone. I am trying to write my story down to share but it is very difficult. I hope I can do it. I think it will have. Hope you are having a great day and thank you for thinking about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 Take your time. Share only when you are ready and feel good about it. Right now your main focus should be anything to help you feel better.I know your mind feels conflicted and confused right now. If you need to talk about it we will listen and help anyway we can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 Hi Juliette,Sorry I have arrived on the scene a little late. Kidnapping, rape, these are the most terrible things that can happen to a woman because its such a violation of personal and physical boundaries. In my experience, and I worked with several women who had been through the same thing, the women blame themselves for what was done to them and punish themselves. Its something that is hard to understand but it happens all the time: that the survivor blames herself.It is also very common for people who have been raped to go through a period of promiscuity just like you mentioned. In my opinion its a type of self punishment. Finding the wrong men also seems to be part of the trauma. It happens repeatedly. That is something you need to work on in psychotherapy. By the way, EMDR was suggested and it can help with people who have been traumatized.Medication is a good idea because, among other things, it can help you sleep and sleep is key in recovering from PTSD.What about this idea: It is said that success is the best revenge. So, instead of feeling empty and hopeless, what about working on, through therapy, feeling good about yourself. Why let the bad guys win? You deserve to win. You can rebuilt your life and you have your therapist and you have us to help you get there. Here, we can give you tons and tons of support towards that goal of feeling better about yourself.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julietteK Posted January 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thank you both. It really means a lot. Allan you are making a lot of sense in your observations but I didn't start blaming myself until much later when the promiscuity period kicked in (or maybe I didn't know I was). The "damaged goods" paranoia came later on this year. I remember being unnaturally calm after the attack. I persuaded my attacker to let me go, took the tram and went home then made a cup of tea and told my boyfriend we needed to talk. I didn't even cry for weeks. (First time I cried wasn't for the rape but because around that time I lost my job.) I thought I was doing fine. Guess I wasn't. But my boyfriend couldn't really take the pressure and broke up with me two months afterwards and that, among many other things led to a meltdown. Years later I found out he had cheated and gotten someone else pregnant. I suppose sleeping around was indeed a way to punish myself. I am deeply ashamed of some of the things I have done while in this haze. I wish I could erase everything. I think this is where the guilt comes from. Being raped is one thing but that was entirely my doing. I never got any pleasure out of it either. I felt absolutely nothing. But it left scars. I promise I will get better. I owe it to myself and I know I can be happy again but at this point I am at a loss as to how on earth can I even hope to have a healthy relationship. All I ever wanted was a normal life. And you are right. It would be unfair to give up. I realize it only seems so hopeless now because the wound is fresh. Thanks for the support once more both of you and for taking the time to read my posts. Hope you are having a peaceful day.Juliette Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted January 27, 2011 Report Share Posted January 27, 2011 Hi Juliette, sorry I haven't posted for a bit, still trying to reboot my brain.I totally get what you have went through, my life could mirror yours, Its a challenge to work through all this, but it does pay off and will be all the stronger for it, and remember you are already strong for surviving it.random was right, take your time to express what you need to, we will listen.Allan, My mom has always told me the samething about what you said that success is the best revenge, and she was so right.. she is such a wise woman.My mom has 4 antique wall hangins with sayins on them, I would like to share what they say.1) It is no use waiting for your ship to come in unless you sent one out.2) The only way to have a friend is to be one.3) Why worrie your worst troubles may never happen.4) He who has a thousand friends has not one to spare.I wish all to have a good day, Shannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 You have done nothing wrong. Part of the pain is thinking what if.. there was nothing you could do.You were not letting him do anything you were in shock from what was happening and that is a natural response.He did something very wrong and bad.. it is not your fault. You have to forgive yourself for anything that is hurting you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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