not doing that great

[julietteK]

Hey everyone. Thanks for cheering me on and encouraging me to stick around and post. It really helps a lot actually.I never thought I'd get this much personal support. Shannon, I love your mom's sayings they are so true. Random person. I know I have to find a way to forgive myself. Life shouldn't be this way. I have everything going for me and all it takes is one bad sexual experience for everything to fall apart. I saw the doctor today. She prescribed something very mild but she wants to keep an eye on me. I also sent an e-mail to the man responsible for this crisis that I don't wish for him to contact me again. His erratic almost obsessive behavior never really allowed me to start healing again so I thought it would be a good idea to get him out of my life. It was a difficult decision but it had to be done. So, I'll be back tomorrow to talk with you all. You are a very special group of caring people and I am happy I stumbled across this forum.

[randomperson]

Your on the road to recovery and making very wise, good choices.

Be patient with yourself. It will take time to heal, you will have ups and downs.. but we will be here for you when you do. As I keep saying in part to remind myself. Baby steps forward leads to lasting growth and changes.

[shanrucas]

Beautifully said Random....Juliette, you off to a wonderful start, take your time and take care of you, it's time that you put yourself as number one on your list.

I am glad you are getting what you need from this community, we are here.

Shannon

[julietteK]

Hi Shannon and random. Thanks. I really feel very welcome here. It is going to take a while I guess. Unfortunately I am not feeling all that great today. I feel numb. Haven't managed to eat anything all day. I feel very unsafe. I don't know where all this nastiness was hiding inside of me and when it is going to stop pouring out. This person isn't me at all. I had a blackout last night. It has been such a triggering week so I think the e-mail was probably the best thing I could have done. I have had a similar crisis, prompted by similar circumstances three years ago so I recognize that it will go away. Since it begun this is probably the worst it got. Sorry for the pessimistic post. It will get better. It can't really get any worse.

[shanrucas]

Thats ok Juliette, Im sorry you are having such a bad day, but as you said it will ease up, just hang in there, one thing I just recently learned is that its physically hard on a person to hold things in for too long. I am just now starting to be able to eat again after about 3 days of feeling awful. I understand the whole thing...ok. Please stay safe.

Shannon

[julietteK]

Hi Shannon. Just checking in to see how everyone is doing. I am still hanging in there. Had a calm day with friends and trying to pick up the pieces. I think I shall be fine in the end but I don't see how I can ever trust again. That is the saddest part of this story. I was trying to make some sense in my brain yesterday and it still doesn't. I guess I was trying to find my fault in this because then I could learn from my mistakes but the more I think about it the clearer it becomes that I really didn't do anything wrong this time around. It is hard to swallow. Anyway, as I said at least I am no longer in immediate crisis. This is huge news. I hope it lasts. I might still be reeling after all that has happened but I am no longer on fight/flight mode. Thanks for your support during those dark hours. I will be sticking around as much as I can since I was made to feel especially welcome here. Hopefully at some point I will feel confident enough to offer my support back to people who need it.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Juliette

[Luna-]

Hi Juliette

I am moving your thread to General Support as you're not really "new" any more.

Do continue.

[randomperson]

I am glad you are feeling a little better

Also glad you will be sticking around!

It takes time. I'm 32 still recovering from my traumas from my childhood. But you learn ways to deal with it.. to cope and grow. It just takes time and a good shoulder to lean on.. cry on sometimes. Things will get better.

[randomperson]

How are you today?

[julietteK]

Hi Random! I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible these days which is why I haven't been online that much. Life goes on I guess and I am doing my best to not think about that terrible night. I know that ignoring things is rarely a good idea but sometimes it is the only thing that may work. I might even be able to start proper trauma therapy soon (it is a bit complicated with the insurance policies over here and usually it takes a lot longer but the rape counselor is obviously ace for finding something so fast) and this is completely scary. Otherwise a good friend is visiting this week so I think that will do me worlds of good. Friends are all we have in the end. Hope you are having a peaceful day/night (not sure where you are) feel free to let me know how you are doing yourself.

Take care of yourself

love Juliette

[randomperson]

It is good to hear from you. I'm glad your friend will be stopping by, hopefully it will help to take you mind off of things.

When you need to chat we are here

[randomperson]

Just one last check up on ya. What you have been through is very tough and often emotional pains can hit later. Just making sure you are ok

[Jenna520]

When it comes to the opposite sex and relationships, or LOVE, more importantly, it's a case where your heart is lying in someone else's hand. At the time, you're comfortable with having that be the case because that person says they love you and you believe them with all your heart. Years pass and it's like living a Cinderella story. Then all of a sudden, out of no where, this fairy tale turns into a nightmare. For those who've experienced it, it's traumatic and something that you really can't get over by yourself. I've been married for two years, but three and a half years ago my world came crumbling down around me after a "nothing less than perfect relationship" Marriage was on the horizon. Stupid me, I tried to conquer the hurt on my own and sometimes with alcohol. That's where I went wrong. Even though I'm married I still think about what might have been but I never reached out to anyone for help. Not a friend, not a doctor, no one. And still after three and a half years, my issues remain unresolved, and how are you supposed to finish a book without closing a chapter? Same goes with problems. How can you go on with your life without closure? Don't try it. Seek help, keep posting on here and seeking support, and don't give up. Take it from me honey, don't try to fix this all on your own. There are some things in life you just can't fix, you need a little help. If you don't get it, it will hold you back for the rest of your life. I'll pray for you, and I am hear to listen as we all are, and to give you the support you need. HUGS

[julietteK]

Hey everyone! Hey random! Thanks for checking up on me!!! Hope you are having a great day. Thanks for your reply Jenna. Yours was a lovely post, you are very eloquent. Yes, sometimes love sucks big time. Sometimes bad things happen and frequently we allow them to define us. I am guilty most of the time. And alcohol is never a good idea. It just adds to already existing problems. I should know. I haven't been around lately as I had visitors from back home. A LOT has happened since the last time I logged on. I will have to provide an update (maybe later on today after I eat something lol). Does anyone ever get the feeling their lives are a mexican soap opera? Mine certainly feels like it at the moment. The only difference is that now I am doing my best to be the one who is in charge. I simply will not allow one twisted man to control me. So grab the pop corn cause I sure can provide with loads of entertainment. On a less serious note I feel very lucky to have bumped into this lovely community. You guys genuinely care and I wish I could go for coffee with you :-) I am lucky enough to have very good people in my life but I recall a time when this was not the case and I wish I had found something similar back then. What you are doing makes a huge difference and there are a lot of people out there who need that kind of support! So, hope everyone is doing great. I'll be back with the update as soon as I can. Take care everyone!

[randomperson]

Glad you have good people in your life!

And good for you not letting that creep control you!!

Like you I sometimes would like to take people out on here for lunch.. would be fun wouldn't it!

Look forward to catching up.

[julietteK]

Hi Random and everyone else. So here is the promised update. I have started proper therapy with a lady who specializes in trauma and rape and I am very hopeful. I also had good friends for a visit and passed on to the second phase of my doctorate studies, so it was a good couple of weeks. Most importantly things begin to be more clear.

So, a little back story. I already mentioned what happened to me in the past and all the issues that were brought back to surface by a person I trusted completely and how I have been having problems with him ever since. The complete story goes back actually. For almost six years after I was raped I couldn't bring myself to fall in love. I was scared. When it happened last year it took me by surprise. The person I fell in love with was the best friend of the man I was complaining about on these boards. We both made a lot of mistakes back then. We kept our "thing" a secret until we were sure of where we were going to avoid hurting the creep and another girl in love with my lover, a girl who was at the time unstable and self harming. Then things went wrong. I was away and finally I was crushed to find out my lover had been sleeping with other people. His friend made sure to tell me all about it. Upon my return he even brought one of the girls around so that she can give me the gory details.

For almost 3 months he was brainwashing me and getting closer and closer to the point where I developed very strong feelings for him. I thought if the heart can betray maybe the mind is a better counsel and I would be lying if I were to say I was not attracted to him. The rest you already know. On our first sexual encounter (which was never actually completed) he told me he only sees me as a casual thing and wishes to be free to sleep with other women. He said that while his hands were all over me and I was underneath him unable to say no to sex I didn't really want (so glad it didn't happen). I kicked him out and the flashbacks begun. That was the time I came here, completely freaking out and with all unresolved issues about the rape pouring out.

Now, since then a lot of things came out into the light. The "friend" already knew about me and my lover and he was manipulating me the whole time. What his intentions were I honestly don't have a clue. I also found out that the creep also slept with the suicidal girl while she was drunk off her mind. Last week I accidentally ran into my former lover and it felt like coming home. I know that if the guy was brain washing me, there is nothing to suggest that he has not been lying ABOUT me too. The encounter was certainly weird and meaningful and he couldn't stop smiling (he also told me the two men are no longer speaking with each other) but then I left (politely), didn't want to look foolish or desperate. My therapist pointed out that I never had the guts to tell my lover how I felt about him. I simply quit. Maybe I was looking for a way to quit. A lot of people have told me in the past to admit I am in love and get to the bottom of this mess but I was afraid. Perhaps by continuing with this journey on the boards and with my therapist I will finally find a way to fix this. I know I am motivated. So, this is why I have been away for so long. Toooo many things happening. I get the feeling I don't even know half the real story. But I am doing better. I am a lot stronger than before. I do apologize for the lenght of this post and the confusion in my story and want to repeat that your support has been a tremendous help for me! I have not been able to see this clearly for years

Thanks for reading!

[Lindamomof7]

.........................

[randomperson]

Don't apologize for writing long posts we are glad to hear from you!

That guy was horrible. I just don't get people and how they can do such mean things.

I feel so out of place sometimes. To me manipulating and hurting others isn't worth any short term gains. I just don't understand how people can spend that much time, effort, and evil intentions just for sexual encounters when the others emotions doesn't matter at all. I am still a virgin but nothing seems like it would be worth the type pain that would cause.

Linda is right the new boundaries you have set up are healthy.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist to help you through all of this.

You really seem to be on the right path in many ways

[julietteK]

Hey Linda!!!! Hope you are having a great week. Thanks for your encouragement and for the taking the time to read such a long complicated post. I also believe that I am finally on to something. Hope I'm right.

Random :-) This man's motives are still a mystery to me. One simply doesn't put that much effort into a one night stand. And if he had been so determined he would have taken what he wanted and blown me off afterwards. I was in no position to say no. He said what he said, forcing me to stop him seconds before being with me. It is all so bizarre.

Anyway, I don't believe manipulation has any long term benefits at all. One can hold a mask over their face for so long eventually everything is revealed. I do believe that it pays to me nice and thoughtful even if at first it seems like a drwback. We don't need to be idiots to be decent.

As for sex, (and take from a preson with huge issues in that department). It does come with a risk for complicaions and drama but that should not scare you. All the amazing things in life involved risk and he who risks nothing risks even more I think. Don't be scared but rather be prudent. No one is immune from having their heart broken but in most people (don't take me as an example) healing a broken heart leads them to appreciate something pure when they find it. And sex is a wonderful expression of love and a binding ritual when done properly. It doesn't always lead to trauma. So, be wonderful and do whatever feels right for you. Your body, your life your choice.

Now if I could take my advice........ :-)

Have a great day everyone!

[randomperson]

The main thing is he is in your past and you have a bright future ahead of you!

As for what you mention about being close with another I know and agree. Who we are and why we are is always complex I am no different.. but all that is another story meant for another time.

The real good news is it seems like you truly are feeling much better!

I am very happy for you an glad your sticking around in our community.

[julietteK]

Sticking around has to do with the people as I am no longer in crisis but I still like visiting this thread. I think it is wonderful that we are so complex. And as for sharing, I'll tell you what you once told me.You share as much or as little as you want. Had my second session with my therapist today. I like her. She's got a pretty dog. Perhaps she can help me out.

[randomperson]

I am glad to hear all that

Yep I have chatted a bunch about my problems in other threads.

I'm not in a crisis either right now.. feels great to say that!

Guess for once I am all chatted out on my major issues and just want to be here for other people.

[julietteK]

Hey random. Hope you and everyone had a fine weekend. I have been having a bit of a difficult week. Had an awful job interview, begun dating someone I wasn't particularly interested in then broke it off (mutually on my birthday lol a fine gift it was) before we actually got involved further because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and just today I found out that the team I used to be part of until the manipulating toad made it impossible for me to be there won a ridiculously high amount of money last night at a quiz we had been playing for the past two years. I know it is bad but I couldn't help thinking I should have been a part of that. This was out team until one person made it impossible for me and my ex lover to be anywhere near our favorite hang out. I'll be fine. I am just a bit bitter. He gets to have his life intact after wrecking havoc in ours and he gets the victory we had been chasing for years. It just doesn't feel fair. Anyway, life goes on.He shouldn't be any of my concern. Excuse my negative post. As I said, I'll be fine

[randomperson]

Look around the forums if I apologized for every negative post I made.. I would be saying sorry A LOT lol.

It helps sometimes to vent.. better here than in the 'real' world where people don't care or will think worse of you.

The thing I have to watch myself is to not get in a cycle of it making me worse.. which I must admit I do very often. But you don't, so don't worry you did right

I am at the same spot with a bit of anger and frustration from a relationship I had. The frustration comes from them leaving your life a mess while theirs seems to be better from the things you did to help.

I guess that is the thing we should take from it. Relationships are about making each others lives better, building each other up. If your partner is not doing that and instead tearing you down then something is wrong. Tis better to leave earlier and save some pain then drag it out. ..Like I did haha.

So many nice single women on here.. why are y'all not in my area ;P

Does give me hope though. This forum is a sampling of people around the world. If nice single women exist in other parts that get along with me.. surely there must be some where I live somewhere.

But on this topic Athena did a really great post that I found helpful. You might like it as well. Talks about this same type of problems. Lot of us are going through the pains of being fresh out of bad relationships and the chaos caused from it. http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=6782&page=3

[randomperson]

I hope I didn't say something to offend by mistake. One of the main things I am in here for, very bad at communication and understanding reactions from people. Hoping things are still well for you.