what does change mean for a bpd?

[Sherzade]

I don’t know how to do the quote thing so I’ll use the old way.

Linda,

“what was interesting is when you said your therapist transformed and adapted That is exactly what we talked about today. How she was changing her therapeutic goals for me. Again haha not sure if that is good!!!”

As you also said we are all different so the therapist will inevitable adapt. In my case, my psychotherapist is a psychoanalist but I could’t go through a process of psychoanalysis as I tend to regress very easily. He did have to challenge himself and find ways, within his own limits, to meet my needs. He has used a lot of mentalization, has been active in talking, in asking questions, in disclosing things about him… He did want (or expected) me to lay on the couch, to focus in my fantasies, to do most of the talking, but he had to change so I could actually stay in therapy. And that was positive. I felt guilty, inadequate, I felt that I was failling him, but most of all ifelt scared. If I accepted his good, I would lose him later on. Thus I kept on rejecting him to avoid being abandoned.

But I think that it also offered me a clearer vision of what I had missed in my development and that was very very painful.

My resistance has to do with fear of being abandoned and yes, control as well. I am trying very hard to see him outside of my area of control. He is separate and he has an individuality that I don’t know and do not control. As hard as it is. ah ah ah

I think that is great that you found that way to bear the breaks more easily. I do manage weekends and holidays now. The change came about when I realized that I was actually part of his world, that he thought of me, that I existed for him, that he remembered me when he was away.

You know… I will have to end therapy at some point and I have to let him go. He is a separate entity.

Can I ask you why did you change therapist?

Athena,

My experience of 9 years of therapy was incredibly hard. I could not appreciate my therapist’s efforts at all and I frequently felt the process to be a waste of time. He was not good enough, he didn’t understand, he was impenetrable, he always rejected me… I wanted to be so close to him, but so close, that if I could, I would have gone into him or I would have dressed him like I dress a t-shirt. I wanted us to become one. I wanted him to read my thoughts, to say what I expected him to say. In fact, what a baby expects from mummy. His individuality scared me. My individuality scared me the same.

It took me a long time to be able to get to this point, which is still a very fragile position to be. Many times I feel that I completely failed my therapy. And therapist.

I think that what I am saying is that BPD specialists are human beings with their own limitations. As each approach, whether it is psychoanalysis, DBT, MBT, etc have their own limitations. It has been for me a long, difficult and mostly, confusing process. And I know that I will always have difficulties. This has been very difficult to accept as I wanted CHANGE. But then again, everybody have difficulties. And as Aschwartz says, there is lot of hope and this is what has kept me going.

Mirroring - I think I introduced this concept. I know different theories (as I have looked for all possible explanations for my BPD) but basically,

Mirroring is in psychoanalytic theory an important aspect of the development of the child. It refers to the interaction between parent (adult) and baby, in which the parent mirrors the baby’s activity and emotion content. This gives the baby an image of him/herself, which is the start of the baby’s ‘acquisition’ of a sense of self. There are always faillures in this process but depending on both parent’s and baby’s personal characteristics, the faillure of this process can have a bigger impact on the development of the child’s sense of self (and other).

For example, in my case, my mum thought that I felt like her. If she was tired I was tired, if she was cold I was cold, if she was sad I was sad, if she didn’t think of it I didn’t think of it… She didn’t mirror my individual experience (that surely, can only be known up to an extent) but her own. She saw herself in me and I grew up trying to meet her unspoken expectations of me. I also had the experience of a “white wall”, a nothingness on the other side that was pretty scary and isolating. I am starting to feel anxious just thinking about it.

There are so many variables and so many ways to fail this in a way that a person can become BPD. Each one of us have to look for what is right and true (as much as it can be) for ourselves.

Flowers for you.

[Athena]

I feel like we are going through a lot of the same stuff. I think I'll feel I've changed when I stop having nightmares about being "left out", "alone", "on the outside looking in", "the last one to be picked", "judged harshly", "invisible", "rejected", "abandoned", "second rate", "unloved", "untouchable", "persecuted", "in a closet", "behind an impenetrable wall", "in a place with no people", "disbelieved", "in hell", "in a dark solitary confinement cell with black quicksand for a floor", "being pulled over cliffs by people I try to help". Well, that's just off the top of my head. Lots of work to do.....:eek:

PS Thanks for the flowers. I'll try to dream of (and smell) the Lotus flower, which I did once while on a Qi Gong retreat.

[Sherzade]

Athena, i don't have those sort of nightmares anymore. I did have them for many many years. It will be better.

Sleep well. I'm going to watch Shrek ;-)

[Lindamomof7]

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[Athena]

Athena, i don't have those sort of nightmares anymore. I did have them for many many years. It will be better.

Sleep well. I'm going to watch Shrek ;-)

I'm soooo glad to hear this. It sounds like you have changed quite a bit then. It gives me hope, which has been on the wane lately, just going through a rough patch in therapy lately.

[Sherzade]

Linda, it’s a relief that you posted a long post. I feel guilty that I write too much. Even if I try to edit the post, I can never achieve an “acceptable” size.

It is very interesting what you mentioned about mothers being jealous of their daughters. I do think that it happens more often than not, but it’s not made conscious by the majority of women. As everythink else, it’s the excess of it that may have a negative impact on the daughter. I believe that a complex mixture of feelings is present in any sort of relationship. It’s not the feelings themselves, but how the person relates to the feelings that makes a difference, in my opinion. I know someone that was very quick in identifying her murderous feelings towards her new born baby. She was in therapy and this was explored there. Being aware of it, helped her not acting out this murderous feelings.

I was once in a swimming pool and there was this older lady in the same lane going very slowly. I was face with a conflict. I wanted to overtake her but I felt guilty. She was much older and I didn’t want her to feel… that she was not so able anymore, as I, a “young” lady was. She looked behind and made space for me with a gentle smile. I was very grateful and accepted her acceptance of our reality. Perhaps this woman was jealous, in the sense that she would probably like to be younger, but she was also accepting and let me express and live my abilities. You may be this kind of mother

Well done for making good use of your therapy and reflect that in other environments (pdoc is related to university, right?). But most of all, well done for celebrating it.

PS: I can tell you some names of psychoanalysts that worked on the concept of mirroring.

Athena,

Yes, it seems so. I thought about it after I read your post. I might have changed more than I dare to think. I still have my narcissistic outbursts and want to REALLY CHANGE, but I made considerable progress. My nightmares tormented me since I was very little. I haven’t got them. I don’t think that I made time to embody this. I haven’t got nightmares anymore. Just dreams. Wow! Scary.

Therapy was such a roller coaster for me. Still difficult at times, but I did go through very hard times. I am very happy that I managed to stay in therapy, even when I desperately wanted to give up. Hold on to it. Pain is expected. But the pain is not a permament state. It will transform.

[Lindamomof7]

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[Athena]

And hopefully my children will not say the same about me as I say about my mother and mother in law that I was jealous of them. Generations can change for the better

. I am using all the resources available to me to ensure that this is the case for my kids, so I do sincerely hope you are right!

[Lindamomof7]

Me too...