I have a question

[EliDavis]

When I self injure it is usually because I don't know how to cope with the emotional pain. I don't usually talk to people about my feelings. Afterwards I do feel guilty and like I shouldn't have done it, but I also feel like I deserved the pain. Do any of you feel like that?

[Proverbs31:28]

Yes, all the time. Usually, when I have gotten to the point of SI, I am also isolating and unable to cope any other way. I cut for various reasons- sometimes I am angry at myself, sometimes I am numb and "need" to feel the pain, sometimes I am suicidal and try to appease myself with SI. But, almost every time, I feel guilt and shame sometime afterwards. Not always immediately after but I will eventually look down and see what I have done and feel horrible guilt and shame. Which, as we know, starts the cycle over again.

[USMarine]

Every time that i have hurt myself it has been for the exact same reasons that you have. i felt guilty afterwards, but at the same time relized that what i was feeling was in no way a rationalization but rather the gods honest truth as to what i was really feeling. the wounds are emberassing, but at the same time the people who see them that understand are really the only people i want to talk to in the first place, everyone else who asks and i tell them what the scars are from turn away and to them i am already a nut case, and that's fine by me. those who will understand will always understand, those who don't are just passing through my life

[texasgirl]

When I self injure it is usually because I don't know how to cope with the emotional pain. I don't usually talk to people about my feelings. Afterwards I do feel guilty and like I shouldn't have done it, but I also feel like I deserved the pain. Do any of you feel like that?

Yes I too feel that way,I totaly understand. Your not alone

[texasgirl]

Every time that i have hurt myself it has been for the exact same reasons that you have. i felt guilty afterwards, but at the same time realized that what i was feeling was in no way a rationalization but rather the gods honest truth as to what i was really feeling. the wounds are embarrassing, but at the same time the people who see them that understand are really the only people i want to talk to in the first place, everyone else who asks and i tell them what the scars are from turn away and to them i am already a nut case, and that's fine by me. those who will understand will always understand, those who don't are just passing through my life

The wounds are embarrassing horribly embarrassing,freak is the term I use for myself .

"those who will understand will always understand, those who don't are just passing through my life"

Never thought about it that way, good way to look at it. If someone turns away from lack of understanding, fear what ever it is ,that usually just makes me want to hide under a rock, or worse the fear of not knowing how someone may react causes me to run and not give anyone a chance.

I feel like a hamster on a wheal some times.

[Lie_low]

Yes, Eli. I self-injure to cope with emotions that I can’t handle, and I feel bad about it afterwards. Other times I am so angry with myself and I think that I deserve it.

[Celeste]

Just another one who identifies with you, Eli, Meredith, and everyone else... when I SI I feel that I deserve the pain at the time, or that I need it, and will often feel guilty afterwords, or just get more angry because I gave into what I wanted or thought I needed. To echo what others have said, you're not alone.

And texasgirl, you're not any more of a freak than any of the rest of us. Everyone struggles with different things, some just have a harder time than others, and there are many individual coping methods. I am guilty of the same thing you are in 99% of my relations with people... I know that they won't accept me and so I push them away or run off without giving them a chance. When they do turn away, I justify my actions, and then just sink lower because I don't have anyone to lean on and feel abandoned.

[mscat]

I am thinking that self injury is a personal isue and people do have their own reasons as to why it works for them.

I however, don't feel guilty about the Si I do, and I feel much relief afterwards. I am not ashamed of the scars either, because the SI i have engaged in do not look like they are self inflicted.

I may be in the minority of sier's because I have severely injured myself mainly starts with stress, then I get disconnected from my own body which feels like it is all in pieces. Then i become numb to all feelings and emotions, becomming more and more disconnected , I believe it is all "body parts' that are left .... Therfore , when I self injure I am alive and connnected again.

now that I have written about my experience with self injury I believe i might be more of A freak then any other who si's. Because of the extensive si i have done, however, I have slowed down a bit with self injusry, and that is a good thing. It isnever far from my mind though, AND I do not ever engage in si when my son or anybody is home. I am always alone , and always have a place to SI.

my therapist reminded me that the Si I do "is not normal" because I guess when I talk about it It is like It is natural behavior to me.

I will say that I am not proud of the injuries and not proud of what i have done to myself . When my severely burned hand,wrist and forearm has lost mobility , I can't possibly say to anyone ever, that this is A good thing to do.

OR my whole bottom half of my right leg is the same way as well.... So if i have become too graphic , I am sorry.

My left arm is covereved in 2nd degree burn scars and fresh , healing scars too, NO, I am not "cured" of self injury by any means.

It is ugly , to see a badly scared up person, and i've now have tattoos to stop the stares from the scars. I've tatooed on my right arm that was skinned graphed , and nobody ever can tell it was graphed. However, the rest of the scars are not tattooed allowable, sooo i have tats on my neck, and left forearm, hiding away healed scars from cutting and burning.

I guess I could be described as the fat woman with the burn scars and tats. Oh well, that's me.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi mscat,

Self injury is not a healthy way to handle problems. It's a matter of learning healthier options for coping. If it's the "high" you get after self injury, you can get that in a healthier way: exercise. Why do you think many athletes work so hard. The answer the same: they are also addicted to that "high." However, that is a much healthier way to handle things and it helps make their bodies and immune system stronger.

What do you think?

Allan:(

[JustTrying]

I SI because I think I deserve it and instead of suicide. Since I have started cutting I have not taken an overdose etc. I feel guilt afterwards .. more because I have make marks on my body and myhusband likes my body and I am making it ugily. If it was just me I would not care. I do not care what SOME person thinks... They have not seen some of the stuff I use to do,.. cutting is prefered to that.

One day I will find a therapist that will help me to deal withthis.

Gabs

[mscat]

Hi mscat,

Self injury is not a healthy way to handle problems. It's a matter of learning healthier options for coping. If it's the "high" you get after self injury, you can get that in a healthier way: exercise. Why do you think many athletes work so hard. The answer the same: they are also addicted to that "high." However, that is a much healthier way to handle things and it helps make their bodies and immune system stronger.

What do you think?

Allan:(

Well Mr. Allen,

In my 20's I had A bad Eating Disorder, and did get into cycling very much , all the time for hrs.

Exercise to me, as of now , is not the "quick" release that A Burn can do for me, and then to ease the stress, and to be whole again.

I am not kidding. SI to me, is A part of life, and even though by society standards it is not considered normal, many have found out that it works for them on a very deeper personal level .

And Iv'e done this type of behavior for over 20 yrs off and on, and YEs , I have gone to the extreme.

It is an alternative to suicide, because I have a 15 yr old son who has autism , I can't die.

Single parent as well, and burning to me for SI is the alternative I use to place all the oieces together. Even though it is often temporary.

[texasgirl]

Allan ,

Very good point

Hi mscat,

Self injury is not a healthy way to handle problems. It's a matter of learning healthier options for coping. If it's the "high" you get after self injury, you can get that in a healthier way: exercise. Why do you think many athletes work so hard. The answer the same: they are also addicted to that "high." However, that is a much healthier way to handle things and it helps make their bodies and immune system stronger.

What do you think?

Allan:(

[mscat]

Allan ,

Very good point

:mad: guess we have our own ideas about it ..... esp. when he was adressing that to me . imo, that is very annoying.

Edited November 1, 2008 by mscat

[texasgirl]

:mad: guess we have our own ideas about it ..... esp. when he was adressing that to me . imo, that is very annoying.

I have no idea what the hell imo means nor do I really give a shit! didn't mean to freakin annoy you!

[Mark]

Okay - found the source of texasgirl's discontent I think. Let me say that my intention here is that anyone can jump in at any time in any forum and put in their two cents. These communications are not personal in the 'intended for one person at a time only' sort of sense. so in this instance, though it may seem annoying mscat, texasgirl is perfectly in the right to jump in and make a comment. And I am glad that she did in this instance, because I know texasgirl to be someone who does self-injure, and if Allan's suggestion works like a lightbulb for her and she starts exercising hard instead of cutting on herself, that would be a great outcome, IMHO. the same would be true for anyone else who liked the idea and was able to make a healthy(er) substitution. I don't mean this as any sort of attack and hope it doesn't feel that way - but I do want to clarify that anyone can jump in at any time and that is not only accpetable, it is something I want to encourage.

IMO = "in my opinion", and IMHO = "in my humble opinion"

Mark

[mscat]

I have no idea what the hell imo means nor do I really give a shit! didn't mean to freakin annoy you!

It means in my opinion... AND I do not care if u jump in or not, and to MARK, yes i am A self injure as well, so if I'd like to jump in , all do so at anytime . Go ahead and favor that one, it does not bother me in the least, we are all entiteled to our own opinions...

I do not care if I make u or whoever mad, I shall post too, sorry Mark, kick me out of here if u like, but till then, i'll post how I feel and what my thoughts are. AND I do not care if u do not like them or what I write , cause guess what I do not give A crap , about me or even FEEL alive, but what the fu*** does that matter?

BTW< I DO and have too many SI injuries to count, so I shall post on that, only because it helps to get it out,

Some Administrater u are :eek:

Texasgirl get over it..... humph..... learn some computor lingo . duh !

Edited November 4, 2008 by mscat

[texasgirl]

this one wont be around anymore for mark to favor,or to make anyone angry.

[mscat]

this one wont be around anymore for mark to favor,or to make anyone angry.

Excuse me? If your directing your remark to me, I am not planning on leaving. On the contrary.

Mark, does not favor, matter of fact, he can be a bit unhelpful at times, so "this one" has not left the building.

I am not trying to make anyone angry, only here to find support for issues that I've struggled with half my life, and to learn how to cope. not to argue or fight, but to express my feelings, and try to offer support to others that I can relate to.

I have been through A lot in my life, and still struggle daily from clinical depression, and borderline personality disorder, It has crippled me , and on full disability due to all that is happening .

So before you jump to conclusions about me, try to see it from my perspective.

Thanks.

Cathy

[texasgirl]

Excuse me? If your directing your remark to me, I am not planning on leaving. On the contrary.

Mark, does not favor, matter of fact, he can be a bit unhelpful at times, so "this one" has not left the building.

I am not trying to make anyone angry, only here to find support for issues that I've struggled with half my life, and to learn how to cope. not to argue or fight, but to express my feelings, and try to offer support to others that I can relate to.

I have been through A lot in my life, and still struggle daily from clinical depression, and borderline personality disorder, It has crippled me , and on full disability due to all that is happening .

So before you jump to conclusions about me, try to see it from my perspective.

Thanks.

Cathy

When I wrote "this one" I was referring to me , and I would hope Mark would not favor anyone as that would not do us any good.

I'm done here in this forum, I have enough going on in my life including current SI with out all the drama in here. Nothing directed towards you at all, it's best if I keep my mouth shut and keep to myself.

Katie

[mscat]

Trying to deal with Si behaviors on top of everything else makes things so difficult. Si is suppose to be a way to cope, but, for me, it can help for a while then things crumble.

I hate it when moody, and overly sensitive for no reason, I hate it when mean, and behave stupidily, then hurt others by my own behaviors.

Anther example of making anther feel crappy, so sorry about that. do not leave or take it personnaly, because of my lousy comments.

Since you and i are both self injurer's I really ought to be understanding what this is like, and yes, I do. It is bad , and feels like it is the only way to stay alive at times. Si has left horrbile, severe, burn scars, leading to surgery, yet, I fight the urges every day not to allow it to go that far again.

I got A teenaged boy, who has autism, and A yorkie pup./ But, still I fight the urge to destroy my skin, like it is Not even a part of me.... I feel unreal and so disconnected at times that SI brings me down again, and there is a calming effect.

Texas Girl, we could help each other , and you hav done nothing. I see we are both blaming each other, and I am the one who was the moody , dumb one ... I am sorry, so please don't go. I we behave. Sorry for that, I do understand what SI is like,. and how dreadful it can be, because i have been there, and still struggle daily with SI, among other issues.

hope u can forgive my stupidiy u did not make me mad, it was me, again being bitchy and crappy.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Texasgirl,

Yes, there can be drama here but that is what life is about. Here, the issue is not to add to our stress but get help and support and maybe even learn some stuff about how to cope better.

"Aw, shucks, Texasgirl, don't leave. Gosh, we'd miss ya a lot.

Well, anyway, that is my poor attempt to sound "western and Texan." Really, leaving is something none of us want you to do. Communication is always difficult and takes constant work. In the end, we just want to help one another.

Hope you'll stay around.

Allan

[Catmom]

Texas Girl, we could help each other , and you hav done nothing. I see we are both blaming each other, and I am the one who was the moody , dumb one ... I am sorry, so please don't go. I we behave. Sorry for that, I do understand what SI is like,. and how dreadful it can be, because i have been there, and still struggle daily with SI, among other issues.

hope u can forgive my stupidiy u did not make me mad, it was me, again being bitchy and crappy.

I would like to mention that I applaud mscat for so graciously apologizing to texasgirl. No matter how texasgirl ends up responding (or not responding) mscat is to be commended.

Catmom

[Mark]

I'm always reminded of that rodney king quote from back in the OJ days, "can't we call just get along" ???

The thing is - most people who are spending time here are moody! And, not everyone is able to be gracious all the time, especially when feelings get hurt and figurative toes get stepped upon. I'm glad that mscat has apologized; I think that was appropriate, and that should hopefully be the end of it too. I hope that texasgirl will take some time to calm down and recognize that moods were flaring some posts up; that this sort of thing happens from time to time (more often than we'd like to admit - myself included!); and that one of the nice things about being a human is that we have the capacity to recognize when we haven't behaved well and apologize; and the capacity to recognize when it is best to accept someone's apology, becuase the next time it easily could be reversed and you'd hope that if someone else became offended, and you apologized, that they would have the wherewithal to forgive you too. It's hard work, of course, and no one likes feeling like they have to give in to someone else's foolishness, but then, i submit to you all that we are all fools at least part of the time (again myself included).

Texasgirl, if you need to take a break for a while, that is certainly okay. But I do hope you'll come back.

Mscat, thank you for apologizing.

And incase it was not clear, I am not taking any sides here. What I am trying to do is to lay out what the "rules" are. There have been some good comments about how to make the site better, and now that I'm back from my vacation (ugg! I hate vactions), I hope to make time to implement some of them. Which maybe will help, but I don't think this is the last misunderstanding we will have here

[texasgirl]

mscat's apology is accepted, I'm not angry or whatever. Just tired, of me of SI, just sick of it! :confused:

[Mark]

Glad that you are back! I thought you'd want to stay away for longer.

I wish I had some magic to give you to make you feel better. All I have are words, however.

Maybe take a nap today (since you are tired)? I know you may mean that figuratively, but I'm also thinking you are just fatigued. If you can make time for them, sometimes naps can help your mood.

Mark