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sadgreeneyes
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My husband has been cruelly abusive and controlled me and still try. I have been abused in horrible way after he found out I may didnt have the income to get him here. I try to claim my rights which I have done now 10 times at least as he ignore my wishes being a family, the promised he made when we married, to have a family. Around the divorce time he broke it by threatening me or I would lose him.

He wrote today : "Are these promises down from heaven, why do not you want to understand that I really do not want kids, you lost me the first time and now you try to lose me again, I told you that you will get a love and happiness and respect, and strong sex and I mean what I say, what you want more of this.

You really is who must to decide L."

Excuse me, is there anybody else who is shocked by this email? is promises not to be kept? and "I try to lose him again? what the h**l was that!...didnt he start abuse me after he heard I may not have the income to get him here, threatened me and then cruelly tortured me before he divorced?

I am astonished by his words.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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I can understand how hard it is to separate from this man, greeneyes, but you deserve better, don't you think? I can relate to the anxiety of wanting to "hold" connections, but in the end if this is hurting you, it may be time to let go and move forward.

How do you feel about yourself, outside of this relationship? Maybe it would be good to build on feelings of self-appreciation and love. What do you think?

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Hi IrmaJean,

yes I do think I deserve much better than being abused. I deserve a man who keeps his promises and who loves me for me. Its not that I try to keep the connection, I try to make him make a decision, to keep his promises or we have to say goodbye. I told him if he cant keep promises we must say goodbye. He ignores my wish having a family and goes on trying to win and make me go on with his wish. I dont want that. He doesnt respect my wish. He said he did twice, but right after in next sentence he continue manipulate me to go on with his wish. So him respecting me is just words with no meaning.

I struggle with guilt, so if he left me I would feel better. I do this for me even it hurts. I feel relief that it may be over, not because I dont love him, but because of the pain he gives me, as I know I probably/for sure are being used for a visa. At same time it hurts, but I have to do this or I will lose myself totally. I cant let him run all over me anymore. Its enough.

I feel exhausted and trapped if I should go on with his wish, I hate being in that situation. I feel good when I claim my rights and to be respected and loved the way I deserve.

He cant come after marriage and break our promises. Having children must be decided before marriage and he´s a deal breaker. I told him that is not my fault. And it isnt.

He has to understand this and take the consequences.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm so sorry you're going through this, sadgreeneyes! I can't imagine why he would marry you promising to have a family, then renege!! But it's a sad fact that he has. Sometimes people hope they'll change, or thought they were ready and then find out they're really not... but I don't understand why he's yelling at YOU about this???!

Is there a religious leader you can go to for counseling about your situation if you and your husband are from a more "traditional" background? I bet they see a lot of this sort of situation!!

Money is tight everywhere, and everyone is scared. It's not cool that he's taking out this difficulty on you (if I understand your post properly). He should be sad or disappointed, but not yell at you about it! It should motivate him to do what he can, and his love and support would bolster you. Alas people are imperfect creatures.

But >hugs< to you! I don't think you should have children with someone who abuses you. I raised my son with an abuser, and I'm scared to death he'll grow up like his father. I had a happy marriage once before, so I KNOW IT'S POSSIBLE!!! Even for me!! XD And I have low self-esteem too, let it be said! It's a very serious thing to wish you hadn't had your child with your husband, so my advice is please disentangle yourself and find a kind husband!

Good luck!

Jane

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Since you are divorced then you really do not owe this man anything. Separate from him so you can start to live your life the way you want to live. He cannot control you anymore. You deserve happiness. If you could just delete the emails without reading them at all I think you would be a lot happier. i know it is difficult but he is dragging you down. Do not let him do that to you. It is time to set yourself free fron him . It is time to take care of you .

it sounds like you have different goals then him. And that is ok! No man should make you feel like this. Loosen all these ties you have with him. You deserve so much better. You are right , it is not your fault. I hope that you can be strong and move on from this abusive man.

Edited by mscat
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Hi and thank you both for replying,

I just wrote a long post that again was in vain as the page had expired:(

To say it short I am back to square one, just about back to each other and he has agreed on my wish. I still think he may just agree as he knew it would be over if not. He say how much he has missed me and how he was always thinking about me. Admitted he said wrong things to me that was bad. But still he mean the divorce was my fault as I had some doubt in the beginning. Its crap as I know 80% its his fault he divorced.

I dont know how it will go.

Just that I have contacted the embassy in his country to know about the legality of the revocable divorce and they would check up on this divorce from his ex fiancee too. If it should be something. The woman said he couldnt be married to more than one woman, so I could relax about this, its good if they can give me answers was the divorce something he really did and good is it to find out that he is still married to me when we are back to each other.

I make mess for myself by taking him back, I probably do, but I am not able to see through the FOG yet. Dont know when I will be strong enough.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi Leo,

thank you, yes I have to be careful as I know his moods and swings and how he abused me. He admitted he said bad things, does that makes him change for the better, that I dont know, I must try and not invest myself too much emotionally the time we chat as I can never know will he abandon me like last time. But if he do then I am done with him for good. Absolutely done. Even it will hurt I will see how callous he is, for real. Should have seen it already, but I give him one chance to see if he can treat me good.

Everything about the documents were exactly as my husband has said, so there was not bogus about things. She gave me the number to the court so I could call to know has my husband really took me back. A week ago my husband said there was no need for me to contact anyone to know is he back with me or are we still married as we were and as I had to start trust him now. My husband probably speak the truth because if I got the right income and he had not taken me back, then he had to marry me over again if he wanted us to apply for visa.

Leo, I am somewhat scared and I do feel vulnerable as I know what he did to me once. But I do think if he abandon me for money issue once again, I must see it that way that I should be thankful I didnt get the money as I then had seen how shallow and callous he was.

But of course if I get the money and he comes here I cant know can I trust him. He say that we will get all things right when we start being in the same room, that both parts are working, me not doubt him and he show he loves me. Both had to meet on the halfway.

I dont know if he speaks from what he believes or if its just words. He seems to believe this in his mind, but I am afraid that what he believes will be difficult for him to show in real. Maybe I am wrong, I take my thoughts out from what I have seen in him before. What is left is to see if he can make his words real. I am not so sure about that, but I will give it a chance.

It may be a naive choice to take, but if I have to pay the price then that is another lesson learned. Also that we have to live together 3 years and they do check up do we have an intimate life together, if we dont have that it is ground for sending him back to his country.

He knows that if he breaks his promises and treat me bad I will report him and divorce him and he will be in trouble.

I may be naive, but I loved him and I just have to see how it goes, what worries me most now is that I must try be not invested too much emotionally as long as I dont have the income yet.

I hope all things go well:o

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Dear Sad Green Eyes,

Although it may be hard to take please come to terms with this man not wanting children. If you find a way to make him a father your situation will only get worse. My son was wanted by both of us and yet when the relationship came to an end he freely uses a child as both a weapon and a shield. Parental alienation is the most painful experience of my life. He has played games with you he will do it with the children too. I've followed your posts for a while and also find it painful to see that you have taken him back. Please do not have children with this man as it will lead to more pain. Find someone new who truly loves you. Real love does not involve abuse.

Good Luck

Ramona

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Loneone and Ramona,

I know it probably would be the best for me, its just that I find myself unable to let the dream of this marriage go. I feel sad when thinking about what he has done to me, that he sabotaged my trip to come see him, that he didnt bother not see me again, how could he love me when he didnt care see me again, unless it was planned divorcing me and take me back, as with once I said I wanted annul the marriage right after the divorce he didnt want me annul it, so its weird he cared me not annul it if he had decided for sure he would divorce. Anyway, what he did was bad no matter what. I am thinking I dont feel loved, will it be any different when we start talk again, I dont know.

I feel thorn apart because I am stressed by this marriage, at the moment at least, and at same time I wish I knew how it would be between us. This waiting time is draining me, mostly because of waiting for this income, will I get it or not.

Not that I think he would be any different me having the income to get him here, he probably would be the same, but I am not sure either.

But I do know what I should have done if I was able to. But I know I am not able now to leave. Wish I knew how my future would look like and to be safe.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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green eyes,

I feel so sad for you. This has been such a hard road for you. I know what it's like to have someone try to use me to get a visa to the country I live in (actually was moving back to at the time) I figured it out pretty early in the relationship though but feeling used is really a rotten way to feel.

I find myself unable to let the dream of this marriage go.

This concerns me. A dream is not reality. You have a strong grasp on his reality. Look at all those things he's done to you. Those are not going to change if you take him back and could in fact get worse. That is not uncommon. He is not going to change once you're married. You deserve so much better than that!!!!! You deserve someone who loves you, treats you well, and who has the same desires for marriage and children.

Edited by danni
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Hi GreenEyes -

I’ve been following some of your threads as well, as I very much relate to what you’ve been going through, having been in similar shoes myself.

It’s sad sometimes we can’t just flip the switch and kick the abusers out of our lives even though deep down we realise what people advise us is so true and much more realistic than what we want to believe.

Since you seem determined to give this man another chance... hung in there hun. Whatever the outcome will be, I believe we gain strength and wisdom through all this so we can only be better in our current relationships/marriages or next. Keep hope in your heart and please take care of yourself.

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Danni and Tascha,

its really a horrible feeling going around knowing you might just gets used, not knowing will the person leave you after a couple of years or so, it makes me feeling both sad and dreadful.

I am sorry you both have had these experiences, its awful.

I go every day wondering am I just being used and fooled, I go every day feeling unloved and unworthy as he has made me think I am just getting used, as he has said he is afraid he´ll leave me here and even did hint one day "what if someone is out for visa", saying "no I am not" when I asked him whats that suppose to mean, why he say that, is he out for visa. Why would he abuse me saying such things.

I dont get it, if he was just out for visa and not an abuser/ well people out for visa are abusers too) he would never have stated and said such words to hurt me and make me insecure, he would have kept it a secret. But as long as he is an abuser he said what he said as he knew he would divorce me anyway. If he wasnt an abuser who lacks empathy he could stick to the divorce and not say such hurtful things.

And in between all this he has said opposite, that if he is here with me he will not leave me. Like he wanted to abuse me and leave me and reject me because he thought he wouldnt come here be with me, so he rejected me first.

No matter what it is, his words ruined the trust.

And now he say it was bad what he said and wrong. Like some weeks ago he said he said it because of the situation , that we would never be able to be together. That was his excuse.

I asked him wasnt it enough to divorce, did he have to say such hurtful, cruel words. He admitted it was bad.

He say I must completely forget what he has done and he had to forget what I had done. I was thinking what have I done, except for having that doubt in the beginning. Now I have to completely forget it, thats easier said than done after what he has done, as lack of trust is 10 times worse now.

I feel inferior in my own mind, I am 3 years older than him, but I dont look like my age, many people think I am 5-10 years younger. And my husband said early on when I asked him why he wants me, even it was only 3 years, he said "but you dont look like that" and I had more experience. Not that it matter as we are about same age, but when he say he´s afraid he´ll leave me it doesnt make it any funny having thoughts he´ll leave me for a younger woman. Or someone else. Like why would he be afraid he´ll leave me. He even said that he´s afraid he´llleave me "here". That has nothing to do with our situation.

I remember when we discussed things/arguing/my doubt/his lack of affection and problems we had, he said we will not be happy in same room and he mean that the divorce was due to my doubt, he just said some days ago there is no man on earth who can bear his wifes doubt. He say I must promise to make him happy here.

I dont know anymore was I a part of why he divorced. I wonder because I have never trusted a man ever before and I can be little paranoid, its out of fear not being loved. My husband just said one day here because of my doubt "and you say you had a bad past". Yes I have bad past, its not my fault. But I know my doubt isnt good. I had doubt from the beginning and he say my doubt caused the divorce and that I really must believe this as it is a fact. I dont think so as it was the money issue he reacted on. But he did state a few times before he knew about the money issue, that my doubt would lead him to say one day "enough". Maybe the divorce was a mix of all this, him saying we will not be happy in same room. I am thinking why would it be so important for him that I make him happy here if he plans to leave me.

Its right I have given him a new chance despite all the horrible words he said. He asked me some days ago "where was the obedient woman", he saw opposite. I said I was ( I didnt say obedient, I said I was conservative, a home wife, old fashioned when we married ), now he wonder where the obedient woman is as he see a authorian woman instead. Like should I be obedient when being abused. I said that to him, he didnt say more about this.

I mention this because why would he care this if he just wanted to leave me anyway. Why is it important for him I make him happy if he didnt care.

He has even bought me a gift. But thats probably because I have had one for him long time now.

Now I ramble on, I am sorry about that. I just feel that he say things that speaks both things. I am thinking if I dont doubt him will he be good and show love. He say so himself:confused: I really dont know.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Guest ASchwartz

This man twists your head around. He is an abuser and that has noting to do with visas. There is no way to forget how he has treated you and there is no reason for you to go back to him. Don't let yourself get confused. It's not you. He is the problem.

Allan

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Loneone and Ramona,

I feel thorn apart because I am stressed by this marriage, at the moment at least, and at same time I wish I knew how it would be between us. This waiting time is draining me, mostly because of waiting for this income, will I get it or not.

Not that I think he would be any different me having the income to get him here, he probably would be the same, but I am not sure either.

Guaranteed that the future will look much like the present and the past with an abuser. Abusers just find different ways of playing the same game which is just to make you feel bad about yourself. It makes them feel good about themselves. How he treats you says more about who he is than who you are. You cannot expect anything but more of the same from this man. Decide that you have reached your abuse limit and walk away.

Good Luck

Ramona

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Allan and Ramona,

thanks for reminding me of that he is the problem and that I am not at fault, I dont think I am at fault but I am getting confused as he said it really was my fault as I doubted him. And it confuses me as he had stated this "enough" before he knew about the money issue. I am not sure does he blame me for the reason my doubt really bothered him or if he said it because my doubt was not in his favor in the long run and because an abuser hates doubt...well yes that might be it as I got a txt some weeks ago where he asked me did I know what he hated most in this life, that was doubt and my doubt ruined my life and was not good for me, he said, he said I had to leave this doubt and that I had to change myself first. I said he had to change. After we agreed to get back to each other he said he believes I will change completely.

It does look like he tries to make it my fault. But I am very sure its not my fault. I think my denial what he has done to me and who he is, that he sure not loves me, is my survival for the pain I would face if its really over and I will never see him again in my life. It hurts.

It does really say more who he is than who I am, because he really hasnt treated me nice. Still I am in denial and try to avoid the pain losing him for good. Still I feel nervous and uncomfortable soon chatting with him again. I am not sure what to say to him unless he makes me relax.

I must say there is one thing my husband said that is very hard to fathom and that I really was dumbfounded with. That he said suddenly in one of our chats "Maybe I dont want to go to Norway". He said this while most of the things were more normal and it is really an abnormal thing to say as I, his wife, was sitting in the other end, chatting with him online and he said this like he had no wife or like he was alone in what was going on in his life. Its the only thing that really is absolutely crazy. So there must be something wrong with him.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi GreenEyes,

Have you ever thought of taking a break from him, even for a short while, where you'll have no contact or meeting up whatsoever so that you can really think over all this without his interference. It will put you in perspective and see if this is really worth staying in.

I did that with an abusive ex of mine, with the intention of getting back together. The time away made me realise all the negative effects he'd had on me, and more than anything I found myself so much happier without him. It allowed me to think for the first time in the r/ship that I shoulda used the time I'd spent hurting and crying over him on meeting new people and just enjoying myself instead. Personally I recommend it if you cannot up and leave but are unsure regardless.

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Hi Tascha,

I know but now my iddah is over and now I am in shock again, he said the court had said he cant take me back as I have had 3 menstruation cycles, he had to take me back before the third....now I have to ask the court if this is true.

My exhusband and I are now divorced on monday next week and now he say he is shocked as he didnt know about the menstruation and now he wants to marry me in my country in a mosque as he doesnt want to leave me.

He ask me to continue with him and marry him here the first day he comes to me.

I am thrown off balance, how could he do such a mistake.

I asked him why he regret the divorce, he said because he had feelings for me and that it was love. But now he has done the mistake about the menstruations. I am not sure is he lying or not.

So now we gonna talk together being divorced and marry in my country.

I said to him have he done this with purpose to "ok lets see if she get the money and if she does then we marry in her country and if she doesnt get the money I dont have to divorce her and do her iddah one more time.

I told him did he do this with purpose, he say he swear on Allah he didnt know.

I said I would ask the court myself, he say yes and I can ask in the mosque here too.

He say he was so happy to be back with me and now he was shocked.

I asked him if we marry here I will send marriage contract to Islam court, he say yes to they will know about we are married.

I am really shocked and confused. I am afraid he has done this to not have to divorce me once again, he swear he didnt know and said he had said this to the court that he swore he didnt know, but the court said he cant back with me.

I said I will call the court and he said yes.

I am very dizzy now, but my heart feels very uncalm and wants to cry, but I dont cry as he wants to not leave me and wants to marry me here.

Am I crazy? I feel I am going crazy,not sure can I survive the horror being left if I dont get the money, if he does.

But he say he wants to marry me here because if we will continue without being married we could not be intimate as it is a sin in Islam now when we are divorced, so he mean we have to marry again to be together.

I dont know what to think. I feel very lost.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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Hi sadgreeneyes :)

Hun, I have never heard anything about the 3 cycles rule - ever !!!!. Thats just crazy - sorry but to me it is anyway. I dont know what country you are in, and I am just guessing that marriage has the same legal rights in your country as it does mine. Seriously weird. Have you gotten a Lawyer you can discuss this with ?

Greeneyes, hun the way that he has treated you - you deserve so much better. If you want a divorce, stick to it. Allow yourself to find happiness and free yourself to find love that loves and respects you back, for no other reason than you are you :)

Do you love him ? Are you prepared to put up with the abuse and the way that he has treated you ? Because unless by some miracle this man has changed or sought help to improve the way he treats people he apparently loves. Your cicumstances will remain the same. Stuck in a marriage that makes you unhappy, and one where you feel unloved, and are abused :)

please take care. :o

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Hi SweetSue,

I have known long that their religion has 3 menstruation cycles in iddah which is 3 months, its to make sure a woman is not pregnant, but I didnt believe he had to take me back before the third cycle, I thought I had to have 3 cycles and then he could take me back. So he was shocked when he heard the court say this. I called a woman who helped me with the divorce document and she said it was like this after a while talking and explaining and that I had to believe him. She said how could my exhusband not know this, I said he swore he didnt know, she smiled repeating my words yes he was in shock. But this is then actually the truth. She told me we couldnt search for family reunion now as we were divorced but we could apply for visit visum to get married here.

I dont know has he changed. He seems genuin now and said the truth was he wasnt happy, thats why he divorced, but that he regret it as he wasnt happy he divorced either, he felt sad after a while as he said he still had feelings for me and that he knew it must be love. He said yes it is love.

I dont know what to believe quite, but I am thinking if he didnt care why would he go through all this and marry again here.

I know how he has abused me before, he said again he didnt know what happen to his mind when he did this divorce suddenly.

I do feel I start to love him again because the way he act now and things he has said expanded my heart, I am afraid though is my gut feeling wrong. But the nervousness has somehow went away, maybe because he sounded so enthusiastic suddenly and that he was in shock and that we had to do something. He said for the first time he felt love, that he knew it was love or he wouldnt come back to me. He hasnt said this before. He has said he loves me, but he hasnt said ever he feel this is love, like he could feel it. I am confused, but feel like happy again somehow. Dont know do I fool myself with this feeling as he wants to marry me again here. It just made me feel different as he seems to be so different:confused:

I dont know, just that I dont want to leave him. I know its not what any of you want to hear, I am sorry but I am not able to leave him, I did love him and I have this feelings maybe he does love me, now. I hope I am not to naive.

Edited by sadgreeneyes
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