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going to SI


mscat
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Since I shall not be too graphic as to the si I shall be engaging in soon after my son leaves for schooll, because aparently I upset others by doing so.

I'll write that it makes my stress melt away, and brings peace and harmony back into my life. Things make sense and are clearer , at least for a while.

AND that is all I seek. Is inner peace, and quiets down my thoughts. I will be whole again, and not so disconnected .

It is 4am and I am wide awake , all keyed up , even after taking the medication to help calm me, it has not.

In two hrs. my son wakes up for school , leaves at 6;30 am, out of town to his SDC class.

Then I shall be alone , and si to my hearts content, just to be alive agin, and have the numbness subside.

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Sometimes the desire and the craving to do things like self-injury (or engage in addictions) becomes overwhelming, and it twists your mental process so that it seems like it is a good idea to do these things. But they remain things that are self-destructive and NOT good things to do. Only you can stop yourself, or put structures around you that can help you resist this siren call. I hope you will choose to do something more productive and self-affirming than injuring yourself. Go exercise vigorosly. call your therapist or a friend let them know what you are planning and let them help you distract yourself or otherwise make a better, safer plan. All injury will really do for you is to leave you bloody and raw.

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Thanks for the feedback, MArk.

i did not Si last night, due to my puppy having extreme fear of something last night. Either she was cold, or picked up on how i was feeling. So I wrapped her up and held her all night long. i never have seen her this way, extreme panting and shaking. So I put her first, above my desire to self injure.

I also kept my son home from school today, in which i never SI when he is here.

i ma not A cutter either, but burn , which leaves horrific scars and takes months to heal. I am proud of not si'ing last night, early in the am, and things are quieter in my head right now.

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I am glad your Puppy needed you. I know mine know when I am having a problem... Some get real loving and beg for attention and some think " OH NO! Here we go again!" and they go hide.

One thing that I find helpful. with SI, Suicidal thoughts and drinking... it to say " OK I AM going to do this.... but I am going to do it tomorrow." And most of the time when tomorrow comes, I feel diffrent. Sometimes not , but most of the time.

I do not find it helpful to talk to anyone... because no one understands .. they just think it is crazy to feel that way. And I have lost many a friend by telling them my true feelings... but a therapist should be able to help.

Not suicidal today... but feeling down..some of that has to do with PMS... this is just a day that I will exsist and be glad when I can goto bed.

Gabby

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Impulse control is something I am trying real hard to work on.... because IF I act when I first want to... well you know how it goes.... and usually I know the results, damage it will do... but I do not care... but I Really try to dot he wait until tomorrow thing.... I made it up... I thought anyway... but I find alot of people use it.

Gabs

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Mscat & Gabby

I cannot understand how you two feel. I don't S/I thank god! I wish I could understand though? But I'm not prepared to go there!

I know I suffer from Bipolar but to me that's nothing compared with what you two have to put up with!

I'd just like to say;

Everyone has a story. Everyone has had something happen in their life.

Whether you know it, whether you understand it isn't the issue.

Its whether you accept it and choose not to judge.

They say "you can't judge anyone until you've walked a mile in their shoes."

But even if you have, you still can't judge. Every person is different.

Every person deals with things differently. It's what makes us who we are.

But if we continue to judge others without understanding the full picture,

we're ruining ourselves. We're ruining the world. And its possible we're furthering their damage!

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For me, when I act out on impulse, and si I usually hurt myself worse then I would of if I were calmer, and felt connected to myself.

thanks Paula, for your kindness and insight. i have had friends with Bi Polar disorder who engage in Self injury. Thankfully, that is not not something that you have to contend with.

I like to think of myself as an open minded person and more like a "free spirit" , however, i grew up in A highly strict household, and a Mormon family..... "not my biological" family and always felt different , like an outcast in everything I did.

Now, as an adult, I am so far removed from the lifestyle that I had , I believe I know myself better then I ever did before. I've learned early that judgeing people is to me, a "flaw" because acceptance is A vital part of living , and when A person is judgemental, it leaves them narrow minded , and unhappy.

Edited by mscat
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I try to accept people as they are.... If I do not like them then I stay away.. but they have a right to feel and do what they do. ( unless it is an unspeakable thing.... )

I am Bipolar and I SI... have been doing it for years... but the cutting is new. I would SI in other ways... I too will not go into detail because I know reading Details.. sets me off....

Until I found this site.. I thought I was the only person in this world like me..... I am sorry for everyones pain... but by reading you all's posts and talking about things and not getting BASHED.... helps me alot....

When I cut .. it is in lew of taking an overdose, something else or heaven forbid buying that gun that keeps flashing through my mind... I KNOW if I buy a gun... it would just be a matter of time... so far I have been able to not act on that impulse.

Gabs

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I wonder why it seems in these moments of time that si seems like a good idea to cope:confused: I suppose deep down I know it is not a good coping means but Why then does it feel right? I understand the addictave thing to it, and I personally know why for me I get involved with it, or why I allow myself to punish myself and fantisize of the ultamit but still why when all emotional and depressed does this idea seem to pop into my head as a completely rational responce to my stress. It really does seem to come from nowhere. If I am ok and not all stressed or depressed I don't want to si, I want to be better and healthy and it seems totally irational that I enjoy si at all especially when depressed but then something happenes and my thoughts go out the window and the idea is back and annoying at me and if something happens that I can't cope with (a stress) it is the first thought in my mind. I hate it, but sometimes I think it has saved me from doing worse. I hope you all don't mind me adding in on this topic:o take care.

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Everyone who has shared a little something about their personal experiences with SI, i can relate to in way way or the other. Self injury is different for the individual and then again , the same.

I did si this am. I will not go into detail though.... However, will say That I had therapy appoint. and psych. Dr. appoint. today. I was able to talk about it, and what happens. For me, SI helps me snap back into reality, and I am real again. I can become disconnected from self, and then my thoughts become more and more unreal...... Such as, I am talking to Tweety bird, and he was actually on my Pajama pants, looking at me disaproving , and believing that I am unpure inside, that i needed to be getting the dirty , icky parts out of me inside of myself..... This is one example of what happens, then i do not "feel" anything at all, non exisitent. Where there are body parts floating all over the place, like puzzle pieces everywhere.....

Since their is nothing , and I am unable to "come back" , I will SI then i feel the pain, and KNow that I am alive.....

I have wrote about this among other experiences to my therapist, and this time was able to talk about it.

A little with the Psych Dr. who is more A meds giver, so he just changed medications around, talked about chemicls , that i am low on, lowered my Thyroid medication, and put me on anther medication... Saying it will help with stress, and then help me not be so disconnected.

I am thinking ok, wonderful, anther different medication, just because i fianlly talked about this diconnection. well if the Psych Doc. thinks it is all about controlling the stress and mood levels, then so be it.

He is the professional right?

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Mscat, I must say you sound so very in touch with your own feelings and you truly understand the triggers and mechanics of why/how/when you feel the need to SI. I have had very strong urges before too and I do feel like I can understand where you are coming from. But, I certainly am glad to hear your puppy needed you when he did. (((HUGS)))

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mscat,

I think that is great that you delayed harming yourself. I also really think it is great that you were able to talk about the dissociation you experience in your therapy session - that is what the numbness you experience likely is - a form of dissociation various called "derealization" and "depersonalization" (assuming that you've had a medical checkup and have had any neurological possible causes ruled out). It is so great that you can start to talk about it, because there isn't any medication that can help with dissociation really, what ends up helping most people who suffer in this way is to be able to talk about it, and the events that occurred that you are trying to avoid (because often but not always dissociation habits start out as a way to cope with abuse/rape/molestation/violence, etc.). It's a form of avoidance of having to feel is one way of thinking about it. But talking about what is wrong can be a way of breaking down that avoidance.

Using pain to bring you back to reality is a fairly common reason that people who SI give for why they do it. What I wonder is - does the pain have to be destructive in order to give you what you need? Is it possible that you could inflict some sort of non-damaging pain on yourself (I'm not sure what that would involve, but I'm sure some clever sadists out there have invented ways to make this possible). Is it in part that tissue damage needs to occur (for instance, as a demonstration of punishment or apeasment to the perspectives in your mind that manifested as the disapproving tweety bird), or could it just be physical pain alone?

Mark

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Mark I guess I started CUTTING about 6 months ago... up until then I would just do things that caused pain and left bruises.... so yes there are other ways.

I do not know how much to say .. I do not want to give anyone any ideas... I got the cutting off the internet... I always did SI but had never cut... so like I said I do not want to help anyone go down that path.

But for ME SI is a release.... it is like 4 xanex's..... I watch the bruise develop or see the blood and I relax... I can goto sleep... Course drinking does the same thing for me... when I am worshiping the porcelain god... I think good you deserve this.

For me it is "punishment" for something... can be anything... anything to justify it.

But I have been doing good lately.. wanted to cut... talked about it and did not do it... so that is progress. I do not want any more scars... The other form of SI is not satisfactory anymore... I think it is related to suicidal thoughts too... does anyone else feel that way?

It is all a way to hurt yourself for "something"......

Gabby

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I do know that the Psych doctor asked me who it is that is critical.... I really had no answer for him. What bothers me the most with the disconnection is that I become more and more unreal, and what should not be real is..... Does that make sense? I am not afraid though, and unsure what is going on in that state of being. It tends to become worse and worse for me, and it is difficult to come back, unless I inflict harm on my body, because the body is in pieces as well, so burning the flesh is all that it is, not Anything else but skin. Physical pain , brings me down on the ground, and put back together.

Yes, this may be triggered by A stressful event, or even being alone, can bring on an eposoide, of unreality. Something that I do not enjoy.

Yes, I did talk about it the very first time on wednesday outloud, after 4 years later, and 5 yrs later seing the same Psych doctor. It is difficult to explain something that does not make much sense , and confuses me when it happens, so I had not tried. However, have wrote about some of the experiences down on paper before and givin to the therapist.

If it is all about Diss. then i am screwed, because all that can be treated is my moods. And to stabilse them.

He put me on the medication Trileptal, and lowered the thyroid med. It was too high. Yes, their are other meds too, but those were the changes he made.

If they help then, i'll try them, still try not to SI, to badly as well, even though it is always there . I know what happens then, and well, um, what am I thinking then? I do not know. I got people to care for my son, and animals, and then I really get to feel the consequenses of severe burning. :eek:They are use to me there though..... yes, it is so pathetic, I know. As long as i get to go home, is all I care about.

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I believe he does.... However, he really is A meds moniter, and Iv'e talked to him about the disconnecting. But, more in depth with the therapist. I guess he still is assuming that if I can lessen the stress in my life and my moods stabilze things will be better... It just has not because the mind drifiting and unreal ness , then thoughts become odd, for example, believing a cartoon charater is talking to me, and disaproving , however, it s not the first time such incidences have occured. Just started talking about these experiences.

Steve knows that I've severely hurt myself during these eposoides, I can't get out of, or control, unless the action is performed. Then it is better, myself, making it back , with my feet on the ground. Problem is that I;ve learned to severely injure because their are longer lasting effects of being real , the pain is intense for only a few min, however, the skin is blackend , so their is no pain after.... Yes, I am referring to 3rd, 4rth degree burns, which i shall stop going into any graphic details.

I will not, and shall not ever reccomend any of this to anybody to ever do.... It is not ok for any Si'ers to do that... U see, now this is why I see me as not the typical kind who indulges in this type of behavior. Not proud , and very frightend about it, even though it is something I've done a few times aready. :eek: I am very serious, and telling the truth. Nobody who sees me, ever thinks that those injuried were self inflicted.... Unless they know me personally, in which i keep to myself quietly... I don't much like to interact with people.. too much conflicts arise, and just too difficult for me . Therfore I write , about this to others who do not know me , safer this way.

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guess he still is assuming that if I can lessen the stress in my life and my moods stabilze things will be better...

This may not really address the problem so much as it might address some of the triggers for the problem. Helpful, but not necessarily all that could benefit you.

I'm curious about the dissociation if that is what it is. Do you have a sense for what sorts of things trigger it? Have you discovered any other things that can help you come out of it besides harming yourself? When cartoon characters talk to you are you aware of it being illusionary, or does it have the characteristic of an actual being (like a full on hallucination). Etc.

Dissociation is complex to treat, but people do it and get better. One way to think about it is that it is a way to not feel - and as such it is a variety of avoidance behavior at root. Generally people who dissociate as a part of their everyday life have experienced something they wish to not think about, or feel, and the dissociation can be a way to accomplish that. With situations like PTSD where there has been a trauma, the therapeutic idea is that something bad has happened, and the person is now unable to digest that thing, and can't live with the memory. So one variety of therapy available today involves repetition of the trauma story so that it is told in detail again and again and ultimately, through this process the story gets desensitized and the person stops reacting to it so strongly. This is very hard work to do, but people do it. Dissociation complicates this sort of work, becuase when the person spaces out it is a way for them to not be able to reexperience the memory or it can be a way that the memory gets rexperienced but the person feels paralyzed in its thrall. And there are other various scenarios too, but the take home message is that it is much harder to get the desired desensitization when someone is dissociated. so often the therapy will spend time on helping the person get better control over their dissociation, or to better appreicate what is happening when it happens. The more that the person can not dissociate when discussing the troubling stuff, the more quickly they can get to the point where they can start getting desensitized (in a therapists' ideal word). So it is important to explore ways to help a person help themselves come out of it that don't involve self injury or an obsessive need to punish one's self, etc.

Mark

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To my experience people who self mutilate do it for one of three reasons.

A) Establishing Control - Some people feel that they are not in control of any aspect of their lives. So by self mutilating these people feel like they can control at least one aspect: When they feel pain.

B) Self Loathing - Sometimes people hate themselves. Either something that they did, or just general despise. For this, they feel that self mutilation or self sabotage is a good way to deal with these problems. A biblical way of punishing ones self for the wrongs they feel that they have done.

C) The Rush - It is no question that pain releases adrenaline and endorphins. This creates a sort of rush. And is why this becomes an addiction, just like anything else.

Why I mention this is that I am a fervant believer in the more you understand an action, the better equipped you are to solving the problem, and the easier it becomes to recover. (Not that the road is particularly easy.) So if it is one of these problems there are approaches you can take.

A) If you feel you need to establish control, you must understand why you feel you are out of control, and confront or eliminate the factor that makes you out of control. (This is easier said than done.)

B) If you feel self loathing to yourself, you may want to consult a therapist or talk to a friend. By any means gain affirmation by any way possible.

C) If it is purely the addiction, purely the rush, this becomes an example of addiction management. And the road isn't any easier. Addictions are tough. I know what it's like to have them. I spent most of my teenage years on drugs. Both legal and not. However it is possible to recover.

I understand because the vast complexity of human nature that several or none of these could be the reason why you do this (People would be boring is we followed generalities). So I ask you, why do you do this to yourself? I ask because I want to know, but importantly I want you to ask yourself that. As I've said before, understanding the problem is the cornerstone to fixing it.

- Anonymous.

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To my experience people who self mutilate do it for one of three reasons.

A) Establishing Control - Some people feel that they are not in control of any aspect of their lives. So by self mutilating these people feel like they can control at least one aspect: When they feel pain.

B) Self Loathing - Sometimes people hate themselves. Either something that they did, or just general despise. For this, they feel that self mutilation or self sabotage is a good way to deal with these problems. A biblical way of punishing ones self for the wrongs they feel that they have done.

C) The Rush - It is no question that pain releases adrenaline and endorphins. This creates a sort of rush. And is why this becomes an addiction, just like anything else.

Why I mention this is that I am a fervant believer in the more you understand an action, the better equipped you are to solving the problem, and the easier it becomes to recover. (Not that the road is particularly easy.) So if it is one of these problems there are approaches you can take.

A) If you feel you need to establish control, you must understand why you feel you are out of control, and confront or eliminate the factor that makes you out of control. (This is easier said than done.)

B) If you feel self loathing to yourself, you may want to consult a therapist or talk to a friend. By any means gain affirmation by any way possible.

C) If it is purely the addiction, purely the rush, this becomes an example of addiction management. And the road isn't any easier. Addictions are tough. I know what it's like to have them. I spent most of my teenage years on drugs. Both legal and not. However it is possible to recover.

I understand because the vast complexity of human nature that several or none of these could be the reason why you do this (People would be boring is we followed generalities). So I ask you, why do you do this to yourself? I ask because I want to know, but importantly I want you to ask yourself that. As I've said before, understanding the problem is the cornerstone to fixing it.

- Anonymous.

YEs, I believe i'd fit in the catorgory of A . Thank you for breaking it down for me because when it is it makes clearer sense .

What I am doing is trying to be in control of the sense of non existense, for I am in the state of the body into pieces, nothing is connected and then reality becomes distorted, then I am seeing things, and um, talking to characters , that disapprove of my inner self, that I am impure, dirty, nasty, and unclean. It is not a matter of feeling, it is a matter of being into the nothingness, and pretty , 'the deadness" not even numb anymore, just nothing at all , and it can be difficult to pull out of this state. I am unsure what it is called, and it is difficult to describe.

Diss. or what in the world it is? Do not know. It is however, A very out of control , state that I can't control the thoughts, images, and looks . I Self injure to be alive again and to get back under control. THe pain works as A wake Up , signal, that it is ok, I am alive, I feel the burning, I smell it, And I am now grounded back into the self once more.

I have just started to talk about this again in therapy, and it is difficult to explain, because it is confusing even for me to try an comprehend what in the heck is going on.

Thank u Mark for the information about Diss. Again I do not know if that is truely what its about. I just call it being disconnected from the self, literaly.

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Pain, without love

Pain, can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough,

I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

I know this sound like I'm being glib, but anything but. Usually when I am helping people in my real life I use lyrics for songs. There are many reasons, the main one is when I hear a song that I agree with it helps me.

The word you were looking for was Dissociation or Dissociative state. This even less than being numb, this is feeling like you do not exist. Or feeling like you are not you. I think everybody has felt like that from time to time. To some people it is welcome, but to most... It scares the living shit out of them. And for good reason.

I had not thought of dissociation because I had personally only seen one case of this. My girlfriend. She was a cutter before she met me, and she described it as the only way she was able to feel something back then. Dissociation can be that scary. So scary that pain is a welcome retreat from that. However I hope you realize that this is not the answer. Self mutililation is dangerous, and not to scare you, in any way, be it cutting, burning, ect, it can result in a state in which you do not exist (even if you don't intend it)... forever, you catch my drift?

But do not be discouraged. As I make such a point to mention, I may speak with candor, but that is because that is the way I know how to help. I cannot tell you how to Re associate with yourself. No one can, that is a process you and your therapist will have to figure out. Hopefully now that you know the problem you are that much closer to the solution.

Now I want you to think back to the last time you felt that you were associated, what was different? What primary elements were there that aren't there now. That could be another step in the puzzle. Again, the more you know, the more you are likely to step forward. Best of luck.

- Anonymous

Edited by Pseudonym
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When there are people around me, I am here ... My son, is home, he is real. He talks to me, and I respond. Sometimes, even then I am far away, and need to remember that he is my son..... Not recognizing my own voice is scary, seeing the body as not whole, but into pieces is scary, then things get odder.... I see an Eagle, coming to get me, and then their was Sponge Bob , meeting him, living under the see , in A pinapple, yes, very real to me, and then the latest one is Tweety Bird, looking at me, disapprovingly and unhappy , I wonder why he was so pissed at me? The thing is that time, I had pajamas that had him on there, and he was alive then at the time, and I was burning my arm... To feel alive , again, and looking at this Tweety wondering what the hell did i do for u to look at me like that?

I would just say to him his name, like ahhh tweety , why? and just kept burning , using a Cigar, making sure it was lit to full flame, the ritual of burning, one that I know so well of, in which the whole process for me, takes well over an HR.

i hope I was not too graphic , and will not be in trouble stating what is used for SI .

The worst times is actually the Chemical burns. I shall not go into detail at all about that. Just to say Chemical burns are what is dangerous. Dangerous because in min . I have 3rd degee burns. so much that the skin is unfeeling blackend, and well "dead" i suceeded in 'killing " that body part of skin... which eventually is replaced by skin graphs and surgery, a stay in the CCU ward, and a psych team visit of many times.

So I know the drill, of this. Fortunatley not many SI'ers take the road I been on. Thankfully , I am alive to talk aboout it... AND seriously, this is occured more then once. And really, when all the doc, surgeons, and nurses know me by name, they like , oh gosh it is her again? WTF?

So that is my experience with Si. It is A serious issue, and i can't know myself why it has gotten so severe. I do not know myself. There is just so much going on with me, that its multiple reasons why I am the way I am. I guess?

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You have described a lot here. I'm sure many of these feeling are very scary to you, and I would understand. I had to go back to many of my texts and look up what all these symptoms add up to. You have described to me Paranoid Delusions, In and out of Dissociative states, extreme guilt, self mutilation and mild Psychosis. These are all symptoms of Paranoid Schizophrenia. I must ask if you have been diagnosed with this ailment? I not I STRONGLY suggest you speak to a therapist and tell him what you have told us. It is quite possible that this could simply be PTSD. But to what you have described to be your self mutilation could be cause by Psychosis from Schizophrenia. PLEASE speak to somebody about this.

- Anonymous.

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You have described a lot here. I'm sure many of these feeling are very scary to you, and I would understand. I had to go back to many of my texts and look up what all these symptoms add up to. You have described to me Paranoid Delusions, In and out of Dissociative states, extreme guilt, self mutilation and mild Psychosis. These are all symptoms of Paranoid Schizophrenia. I must ask if you have been diagnosed with this ailment? I not I STRONGLY suggest you speak to a therapist and tell him what you have told us. It is quite possible that this could simply be PTSD. But to what you have described to be your self mutilation could be cause by Psychosis from Schizophrenia. PLEASE speak to somebody about this.

- Anonymous.

Adding to my post and thoughts of others who have helped me with my "issues, I shall tell you about my history.

I've been in a few mwntal hospitals as A teenager, 2 years straight at 16-18. Then suffered a severe Eating disorder which dropped me down to 72 lbs. I was IP for that, got out and lost the weight again , this was in my 20's starting even before Hospitalization.

I've always had the All or nothing thinking and went through A period of Petty theft, getting arrested , doing community service, ect, all while the ED was there.

This was in my 20's, and I also became sexually prom. Even while so thin, I ended up pregnant at 93 lbs. even though i was not ever having reg. menstral cycles.

I actually became more stable, deciding to take care of myself for the Baby's health.

AND gained 65lbs. As the ED was the monster, I was still trying to hold it together , went to college, and could not concentrate. I loved to bibge and purge back then.

Well I had A son at 24 , and he was healthy. My weight was heavier now, and I did not care.

My son , was the focus. At three in A half he was Dianosed as having autism.

Despite all this , I worked as a preschool teacher, and exelled at teaching. Just one problem: I did not get along with my coworkers:eek: So I'd been fired from every sing teaching job.

The last firing took it's toll. I relapsed badly. Moved away, and things took A huge turn for the worse.

Diagnosed as clincically depressed, and a couple yrs later begun the Self injury again... NOW, this is the monster that has lived inside me for ages. The Self injury was far worse then ever.

I did not mention i had few eposoides beofre of the disconnection too. It just became wrose, and far out , losing touch with reality at times. Not always.

As the Self injury has progressed I have been Diagnosed numerous times with Borderline Personality Disorder, and clinical depression. I have recently started actually talking about the "disconnection' with my counselor and he has know I;ve severely injured myself because of it.

My biggest goal is to stay out of A Mental Hospital . I do not want to lose everything , my son, my place, the puppy, everything.

When I am in CCU and the Psych team comes around, i'll I have to say is that I did not do it to kill myself. that is the truth. The 'eposoides" I have are not lasting ad go away after Self injury.

After al that has been said, YES , my childhood is marred by Child abuse, and a father who had been suspected of having a major mental illness. ALso in foster care, the foster mother, did not like me, and there was no acceptance there. It is just that I can remember my foster mother's abuse then i can the first 3 yrs. of my life which again was a living HELL.

So now I am 40 and still all Fu**** UP . :mad: My only solution is death, however, not really because of my now 15 yr, old son who has high functioning autim, with cognitive delays.... I can't abandoned him like I was as a child.

Therfore Self injury at its worse is the alternative for coping...... What else is there to do? If u were me? BTW, the SI that i can get "away" with is just from second degree burning from cigars that are all clustered together, not looking like these huge circles on me.

Then their are the thrid degree ones from , i shall not say..... just that I have lost mobility and can't close my hand anymore.

I have told Steve, the therapist, It is a fight not to Severely injure almost everyday.... Which is true. I am one to not lie. It is always easier to write then to talk about what it is like to be this way.

Yes, it could be a form of PTSD, as well as a number of things, and it Sucks. Because as of now I currently am on 6 medications.

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