hablo Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 (edited) I have a feeling I won't be satisfied and feel better from the replies I get to this, but I'm desperate to let this out as I've never told anyone this before and this eats me alive constantly. I was on anti-psychotic medication in the past on and off for a long period of time that has gave me permanent disfigurements and disabilities that no one knows I suffer from 24/7 as a result of medication. As a result of anti-pssychotics, I know suffer from permanent difficulty concentrating, difficulty tolerating stress, psychomotor retardation, slow processing speed, akathisia, muscle stiffness, enlarged breasts, difficulty standing and walking, fatigue, drowsiness, dystonia, low bone density, hypoadrenia, joint and muscle aches, increased appetite, tardive dyskinesia, tremor, inability to regulate temperature, insomnia, nausea, headaches, light headedness and dizziness. When I was 13 I was admitted to a psych wardwhere the doctor prescribed me risperidone. I took them out of fear of the staff telling me if I didn't cooperate I'd stay there longer. I tried to spit it out when I first started taking it but as the tablets came in orally disintegrating form it was very difficult and if I remember correctly I almost never succeeded. I remember becoming horribly constipated the first day I took it, the most constipated I had been in my entire life. I continued taking the medication throughout my stay, I remember once on a pass at my house I went without taking it for a couple nights and I remember being very afraid that I was going to start hallucinating one night as I was trying to go to sleep (possible withdrawl psychosis?) So I began to think the medication was helping me and continued to take it. Plus at that time I was planning to commit suicide, and I found I was much less afraid of death and killing myself while I was on the medication. After a few months I noticed I had developed severe restlessness, I couldn't stay still at all. I'd run around every couple minutes as an attempt to release the feeling but it didn't work. It'd come back every few minutes which triggered me to run around again, at that time I didn't know it was the psychiatric drugs making me this way, I just assumed at that time it was something in my mind.Around that time I read a bunch of stories online on people reporting that risperidone had made them feel numb and apathetic and decided to stop taking it. But a while later in my life I was admitted to a psych ward again where a doctor prescribed me even worse antipsychotics (zyprexa) which was when my body and mind became incredibly fucked up. It eventually became difficult to walk, due to muscle atrophy and stiffness. I became extremely sedated, brain dead and apathetic like a lobotomy victim. Also I remember I was so hungry on it. Even when my stomach was bloated my mind would keep telling meto eat more and more. I became an eating machine. I stopped taking the zyprexa for a little while because of the emotional blunting and the doctors noticed when I was off the medication I was a lot more restless and had a much harder time staying still, probably because the medication strongly sedated me, thus doctor judged me to be "unwell" without the medication, and assumed that my restlessness and inability to stay still was because of my "mental illness" so after I stopped taking it, so she told me I had to take my medication and if I stopped after I was discharged I'd have to go back to the hospital. I stopped taking my meds after I was discharged anyways and ended up back in the hospital where after sampling different anti-psychotics eventually I stopped taking them and the staff and doctor eventually left me alone and I was discharged.I'm going to stop now, just letting you know that's the beginning of how I ended up here. Strange thing is I didn't figure out all these permanent problems were from the medication I took until recently. I remember years back I brought it up with a therapist that one of my permanent dysfunctions was from medication and she said it would've went away after I stopped taking it, for it to be permanent I'd have to have been taking it for a long time and I'd have to be on a high dose of it. For years I attributed my mental problems on something wrong with my mind and my physical problems on my body naturally being weak and debilitated but now I know better. All those dysfunctions started when I was on medication and from the research I've been doing I've found psychiatric drugs do cause permanent damage to the brain and body, not just for the time one takes it.I have permanent drug induced brain damage, I am permanently in a restless state where I feel the uncontrollable urge to pace, run around and move 24/7 which never goes away. I've also found I'm less intelligent, I can't make connections with my brain and when I do it's very slow. I also have low cortisol and adrenaline levels which make it very difficult to handle stress, whenever I'm exposed to a stressful situation I freeze; both physically and mentally. Any mental processes and my body freeze. My mind along with my body is constantly fatigued and drowsy. My concentration is shot. I remember I tried to read a novel several months ago and couldn't get through one chapter without getting a migraine and I've recently started to notice my memory isgradually getting worse.I want to say it makes me angry that I am trapped with all these dysfunctions that are the result of money grubbing doctors following through with their means of making profit, feeding me with drugs as a bogus "cure" for mental illness and "chemical imbalance", but I can't feel angry - I can't feel anything stuck in this permanent state of empty oblivious emptiness which is a constant reminder of the devastation these doctors and the mental health system have left me in (my body and mind) . I remember a while ago I did psychedelics as an attempt to bring everything trapped in my sub concious to my awareness, but for the whole time I was on I couldn't help but long to come down from it and get back to my default state of mind, no matter how much I thought to myself to appreciate it because at least it was a break from the numb, empty oblivious state I'm trapped in 24/7. My apathetic chemically lobotomized state is freedom from the misery and despair being aware of the severe violation of my life, mind and body I've been forced to endure for so long in my life. Even simple things such as showering, brushing my teeth and standing while taking public transit have become very difficult because of the malformations psychiatric drugs have caused me. I have no friends, no social life and no close relationships and have had none for years. Death is my only escape from my fried up, dumbed down mind and crippled body. Edited September 28, 2011 by hablo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karamazov Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 Hey man, that really sucks and I hope and bet someone on here with some medical expertise will respond with some knowledge of all these meds.I just wanted to tell you two things, although not at all as severe as your situation. When I was sixteen, I started smoking weed almost daily and experimenting with LSD. Between 17 and 19 I smoked multiple times a day and took acid about 4 to 5 times a week. When I turned 20 I was completely burnt out. I'd see a stop light and see three of them (completely sober). I'd drive somewhere and remember miles later that I had missed my turn. In short, I had drasticly screwed up my brain. I've always had an above average IQ but I was just plain stupid now and I was fed up with it. I stopped smoking and tripping and after about two years I came almost entirely out of that fog. I looked and sounded like a different person. I could once again read and study complex things etc. etc. So I'm just saying the human brain and body is an amazing creation capable of intense shifts.Also, for a couple of years I was addicted to Methadone. My body physically was falling apart. My teeth hurt, my joints ached, I was constantly bloated and all kinds of other horrible side effects. Well, it took months in a jail cell but I detoxed and now a number of years later am in better shape than I ever thought was possible. I don't know anything about the drugs you were on, maybe they did cause permanate damage, I don't know. I just know there have been times where my mind and body were seriously compromised and I recovered. Best of luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted October 3, 2011 Report Share Posted October 3, 2011 hablo,how are you doing? We haven't heard from you??Allan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted October 5, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 5, 2011 hablo,how are you doing? We haven't heard from you??AllanDid you even read my post? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Hi, hablo,I'm so sorry for your situation ...You wrote you consider death the only way out . Death is always the last solution and as you surely know, there is a good thing about suicide: you can always do it later. So... what about trying to find other possibilities? To find a way how to live with all your troubles without suffering too much? It surely is very hard and complicated, but I believe not impossible. Have you any close family members who support you? Are you still in therapy? What are you doing all the days? Wouldn't you like to share more about you with us? Did you even read my post?I think he did and he was just asking what's new with you, as the long post is already several days old...Hope you'll stay with us... Take care! Edited October 6, 2011 by LaLa3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted October 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 Hi, hablo,I'm so sorry for your situation ...You wrote you consider death the only way out . Death is always the last solution and as you surely know, there is a good thing about suicide: you can always do it later. So... what about trying to find other possibilities? To find a way how to live with all your troubles without suffering too much? It surely is very hard and complicated, but I believe not impossible. Have you any close family members who support you? Are you still in therapy? What are you doing all the days? Wouldn't you like to share more about you with us? Yeah, the only problem with doing it later is I'll be forced to live in my malformed body and disabled debilitated mind for a longer period of time. I guess there are ways I can lessen my troubles, but it's very unlikely they'll ever completely go away, all I can do is try to make them not so bad. I have no close family members and I'll don't find anyone practicing therapy with me (mental health workers, psychiatrists) helpful at all. Living every day is getting harder and harder, not because of anything changing in my life but the same damn shit every day, same isolation, same not leaving the house, same having to look at what psychiatric toxins have done to my body, same thinking with my brain dead mind every day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted October 8, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 hablo--I may not be able to relate to your physical symptoms, but I understand feeling isolated and alone. I don't really have any friends (outside of the internet) to speak of and my only family member is my father, who lives nearby, but we're mostly just....tolerating each other. I've gone though bouts where leaving the apartment and engaging in the outside world feels overwhelming. Is there anyway you could work towards being less isolated? Maybe take a class--do you have any hobbies or interests you could pursue in that regard? Just tossing out ideas. It sounds like you're in quite a rut, so the question is--how do you get out of it? I'm not sure what you have tried, or what you are willing to try. Maybe you aren't even ready to try yet and just need to be heard. I'm happy to listen if it helps. I'm sorry this happened to you and that this is so frustrating.Engaging in the world is difficult because it's difficult to stand and walk and when I'm outdoors it seems I have to do tons of that, also I can't think of thing to do outside, so it's boring and seems like there is no point to it. I've done drugs before (hallucinogens) to try to become aware of the repressed parts of my brain however while I was on them I was so overwhelmed with unpleasant and disturbing misery and despair I couldn't enjoy it if I tried. Also I don't know how to get those types of drugs again and I don't have the money to buy them. After I came down it felt as if I was back to square one and I was stuck in the exact same state I was in before I took the drug so I didn't feel any benefit from it. I tried to walk around in large parks around night time to get into touch with my spiritual side, but, as with the drugs, after it's over I'm just back to my default state of mind so it doesn't do anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaLa Posted October 8, 2011 Report Share Posted October 8, 2011 Hablo, I agree with pesudome. I just have one comment, probably unimportant but I'm thinking about it from the time I read your first post here and maybe I should mention it: You say how badly affected you are (and I do believe you - don't worry!), but there is at least one thing (we can see at least this one) that is not badly affected: your ability to think and to write consistent, logic, meaningful texts. You also mention you're trying "to get into touch with your spiritual side" - it's surely not something very common - so many people even don't try, don't care! ... You really don't sound like somebody metaphorically "after lobotomy". You're not just ... "empty". I mean by this remark that... there surely is "something" in you that remained not too affected and that it would be very valuable (for you and probably also for others) to heal and cultivate. And I'm sure you could slowly find out more when trying... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted October 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 14, 2011 Well, trying is worth something. It means you haven't given up. Do you have any sorts of interests or hobbies? Have you tried swimming? I know near where I live, the local rec center has water aerobics/ water therapy classes. You mention your therapists not being helpful. What sort of therapist are you seeing? Maybe you could see someone new? Are there support groups you could join? Again, I'm just tossing out ideas. I don't know if any of them might be workable for you or not.I like cycling but I don't have a bike so the only time I get to ride one is when I rent one and I can't do that often because I'm very low on dough. I've tried to get a new therapist but it didn't work. She tried to convince me not to because it's take a long time for a new one to get to know me and I might not like the therapist if I got another one and in which case it would've been a waste of time. I really don't think therapy will do much for me, it's not going to erase the damage that's been done to my body and brain or anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted October 27, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Guys, I really need help now... I went out looking for drugs today to escape my miserable mind but couldn't find any, I'm so brain dead I don't know where or how to get them. The effects of my chemical lobotomy are becoming stronger, strange eh? Because before I thought and was told that once you stopped taking medication the side effects went away completely. My memory is slipping, concentration is unbearably difficult and I'm thinking more and more slowly each day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 hablo,a lot depends on the kinds of medications you were on. some medications require coming off very gradually. others, like the mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder, are too important to stop because they are necessary to maintain stability and prevent symptoms.buying and using illegal drugs will do nothing good for you and will only muddle your mind even more.why did you stop your meds?allan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted November 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 3, 2011 hablo,a lot depends on the kinds of medications you were on. some medications require coming off very gradually. others, like the mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder, are too important to stop because they are necessary to maintain stability and prevent symptoms.buying and using illegal drugs will do nothing good for you and will only muddle your mind even more.why did you stop your meds?allanI already covered why in my first post. Mood stabilizers being necessary to prevent symptoms is just a belief with no basis in reality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted November 4, 2011 Report Share Posted November 4, 2011 first, i did not read your first post. second, your belief about mood stabilizers are not grounded in fact. they may not have helped you, but they have saved the livs of countless numbers diagnoses with bipolar.i detect a note of impatience or anger with me in your post. i may be completelu wrong. if you are impatient or angry with me perhaps you could help me understand why.allan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted November 20, 2011 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2011 first, i did not read your first post. second, your belief about mood stabilizers are not grounded in fact. they may not have helped you, but they have saved the livs of countless numbers diagnoses with bipolar.i detect a note of impatience or anger with me in your post. i may be completelu wrong. if you are impatient or angry with me perhaps you could help me understand why.allanOkay, I don't think you're going to understand what I'm writing without first reading my post, and your belief about mood stabilizers are not grounded in fact. I base my opinion of mood stabilizers on what I've read on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted April 9, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 9, 2012 My migraines are alleviating Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
finding my way Posted April 9, 2012 Report Share Posted April 9, 2012 do you have any idea why they went away? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hablo Posted April 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2012 do you have any idea why they went away?They didn't go away they're just not as severe, I did mushrooms twice over the past couple months. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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