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A Reprieve


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Since Thursday I have felt like the darkness has lifted. I really don't recall slipping back into the negative thoughts, head spinning panic and hopeless despair that is my usual state of mind. I've been trying to figure out what has changed. Could it be that a few things finally went right? The supplements my Naturopath gave me? Finally feeling understood by a member of the medical profession? Engaging with a new support group? A bounce back from the traumatic events of last week? Experiencing a stark lesson about how negativity/positivity affects those around me?

As I think about how it feels, it is almost like a switch went off. Not an attitude adjustment, not an individual telling me what to do, not a book, not therapy. Maybe just a bunch of hard hitting lessons in the span of a week.

What is the switch? I think its kind of like when you go to a party. No matter how bad you feel, you rise to the occasion, because you know that showing up moping won't do anybody any good. You just "act happy". But it's not a complete act. For the duration, you actually ARE happy. You don't have to fake it. And yet, you did it. Maybe subconsciously, but somehow you just DECIDED to be happy and you were.

Hmmmm. Could it be so simple? Something worth trying to repeat in other situations. Why should you be miserable around your kids, your significant other, your family, yourself? Why do they deserve the worst of you? It may be worth trying to give them the best of you instead.

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Thanks Jack.

Yes, it is a habit. And it is so easy to fall back into. My whiney 6 year old just about did me in today. But having written these words just prior, I was determined not to let such a small creature have such an overwhelming effect on me. The unending acting up just sends me to so many bad places as it reminds me of so many unresolved crises in my life. I'm not even going to name them here. Don't want to go there. I just want to try to put myself in her shoes. As I keep repeating to myself "It's not a six year old's fault that they are depressed all the time. Something outside of themselves caused it" I'm talking about myself. I do not ever want these words to be true for her. Because without compassion and understanding and being there for her even when she is being a holy terror, she will end up just like me. Perhaps that is the reason for my tag line below.

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Thank you Lala.

I suppose one advantage of being stuck within a 20 minute radius of my kids' school (due to co-parenting) is that I have to remain in the big city. But big cities have lots of resources for kids and parents who need to solve emotional regulation/attachment/other problems. Even if my Mom had noticed there was a problem (which she didn't), she wouldn't have got any help out in the country anyway. For every negative, there is usually a positive if one looks hard enough.

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