Athena Posted October 29, 2011 Report Share Posted October 29, 2011 I really, really hate it when something bad happens on a Friday. It's always something that just has to sit with you until Monday. There's not a damn thing you can do about it. So here I am trying to get my thoughts down, partly just to organize them, but partly to see if there might be any comments that would provide a solution or some relief.Some time last week I was just commenting in somebody's thread about how damaging labels can be. I even went so far as to say I'm so grateful to my therapist for NOT labeling me. He knows I have self-diagnosed as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and he's never ever indicated that he agrees with me. Well, on Friday, he basically brought up the BPD label and said this type of therapy (Psychoanalysis) may not work for me, at least not in the time frame that I want. Now he expects therapy to take 10 - 20 years, not the 2 - 6 he originally talked about. I'm currently at the end of year 1. When I asked how long he'd been thinking that, he said, "Over the past few weeks, increasingly so". So that just put me into a state of total shock. I was speechless. I felt like I could barely breathe. First reaction is that he's given up on me. He's lost faith that he can help. Maybe he honestly feels some other therapy would be more beneficial - but we didn't get into that. Maybe he had faith while he didn't apply BPD to me and now that he has, the conviction is gone. Then I had the thought that I've pushed him to pick a really long timeline to get me off the "it's not working" discussion, or the "I think we can be closer to 2 than 6 years" wishful thinking that I sometimes throw at him. I mean, there's absolutely no sense whatsoever in talking time frames if it's going to get into the 10 - 20 years he's talking about, which I consider in the realm of the absurd. In 20 years, he'll be over 80 for God's sake, and I'll be pushing 70 - just in time for real serious aches and pains of old age to set in. I find chronic pain and happiness to be mutually exclusive. So a pretty scary scenario.Or maybe he just thinks I'm wasting his time. Why treat a virtually untreatable patient? But I'd thought the opinion had changed on BPD over the past 20 years. I'd thought the condition WAS treatable. DBT, CBT, Psychoanalysis are the therapies most often mentioned. I read something about 'Schema Therapy' today, which seemed to put recovery in about the 4 year time frame. Or maybe my ongoing divorce is simply frustrating every effort to help. Over the top paranoia about just how badly my ex wants to wipe me out/ruin my life/be dependant on me. It feels like a form of blackmail. I've been advised that I have to be nice to 'that type of person' or he'll get even meaner. At least until the paper's signed - so I have no way to vent to the person I really need to vent to until the paper's signed giving me my freedom. For six months, I've felt like final resolution has been just around the corner. But something always trips it up and I must deal with another roadblock that is out of my control. I hope to God it is this issue that is 'causing' my lack of progress in therapy. Because then at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Some people around me think that's what is causing it. I've worried about it before. I gave up on CBT because of it. The feeling that a few days after the paper's signed, I will have a 'miraculous' recovery. What would the recovery be due to? Freedom or the therapist? My bet was on freedom at the time. One would feel a whole lot better once a person's ability to blackmail you into poverty is taken away right? But I ended up in therapy again because things got so much worse again. SI started to show up. Emotions that were off the charts painful. Wiping me out to the point of literally not being able to function unless forced to and then only the most basic of things.I think that the over-the-top paranoia, rage and sheer utter hopelessness will at least subside once I have my freedom. Perhaps I've put too much emphasis on a little piece of paper being signed. But symbols are alive and well in the psyche and if a document that says 'you will never be beholden to or have to support or have to give up any more to this man ever again under any circumstances' represents freedom to me, then it stands to reason that I will feel like I am a subservient slave until then. Kind of like an ongoing trauma, caught in a beartrap. The thought has crossed my mind more than once that cutting may be symbolic of 'chewing one's foot off' to get away.Then my other thought is that I've annoyed my therapist and he's reacting by issuing me an ultimatum. I have never doubted my ability to rub others the wrong way such that they end up wanting to get away from me. He says I keep expecting him to "Do something". Not really. Just show me how to get with the program. If there's something I'm doing or not doing that I need to do, then tell me. What should be happening at this stage, end of year one, end of "getting to know you" stage? If it's "nothing, don't expect anything at this stage, it's still too early", then tell me. If something should have been happening by now, what is the roadblock. If you don't know or can't guess, then what are the typical causes of stalling? Throw me a bone. Don't just throw something out that is so gut wrenching that it cannot possibly be perceived as anything but an ultimatum: Suffer for 10 - 20 years or leave and go do something else. How else would one perceive this? Shock therapy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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