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I don't want to live anymore


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I know that you are sexually attracted to kids. I also know that you are not in denial about it and that you are fighting it. This means that you will defeat this burden that you are caring with you. And you also will be able to have a family and yes, children. And something is telling me that you are going to be a great dad! From all our communications, you showed me so many times what a compassionate and caring person you are.

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I'm attracted, but not to anyone I know :P. Plus, I have to deal with social anxiety and self-confidence issues...

Let me let you in on something I found out just recently!

There is someone out there for everyone....someone out there will love you for who you are! When I was your age, I was terrified to ask girls out because I thought I would be rejected and humiliated. Aside from that, I was teased for being a twin. Yeah, I had low self-esteem, and low self-confidence! It just takes that little bit of courage to get over this hump. I have fallen in love with my girlfriend and she knows all of my issues, a lot of which happened when I was about your age. The only way to build something and make it stronger is to sometimes just throw all caution to the wind and go for what you want. I wish I had when I was your age! Someone is out there for you! Don't be afraid to find her!

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How do I take care of them without lusting after them? Damn, I feel like such a freak saying that...

It could be different with your own kids. I tend to not want to be around kids just because it can trigger flashbacks, but I know I react differently with my nieces than with strangers' kids. It's a feeling of selflessness, but also seeing myself in the next generation. I want to make sure they are well taken care of. If it can be like this with an uncle/niece relationship then it's probably profoundly stronger with a parent/child relationship.

No guarantees, as there is clearly case history of parents sexually abusing their children and this is not to be taken lightly. Yet I wonder how many of these are truly lusting after their kids vs. being sadistic child abusers. I strongly doubt any of them have done half the work that you have already done, such as giving up CP in late teens and getting therapy to deal with inappropriate urges.

What I am saying is that you have done a lot of work and should credit yourself for your progress. You've discussed just about the worst that could happen, but what is the best possible outcome? If you really think there is a danger, then the right thing to do is probably avoid the risk. Except you can cross that bridge when you get to it. Dealing with what you can right now, such as social anxiety, seems the best you could do. You might be a completely different person by the time it's appropriate to settle down & have a family.

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